


The Building Blocks Come Tumbling Down

by yixingscat



Series: The Building Blocks Come Tumbling Down [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Eventual Smut, Family, Heartbreak, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Underage Sex, Mentions of underage drinking, Mpreg, Romance, Slow Burn, Unplanned Pregnancy, but trust me they're legal in the flashback, don’t mess with kyungsoo and his babies, he’s such a good boy i swear, honestly can we just thank sehun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 93,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27521200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yixingscat/pseuds/yixingscat
Summary: in which park chanyeol's an ex-boyfriend, and byun baekhyun's keeping a teeny, tiny secret."you're not telling me something.""because it's a secret.""baek, we promised each other that we wouldn't keep secrets.""that was before you broke up with me."
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Original Male Character(s), Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Series: The Building Blocks Come Tumbling Down [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117328
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	1. The Shit We Do For Banana Milk

**Author's Note:**

> -this fic is cross-posted on aff  
> -rated M for sexual content, so watch out  
> -welcome to my cringe story, dear friends. i started this story in a weird point in time, and you will spot a lot of timeline errors where i had to leave this fic alone for a while then come back. i hate that it is that way, but that’s life. if you’d like to continue, it would make me very happy.   
> -it is technically unbeta’d since i do my own editing, so do expect mistakes  
> -let’s be friends!  
> aff: JinYouKnow  
> wattpad: 11MinutesLate  
> (this fic is completed on asianfanfics, so no spoilers, please!!)  
> anyways, on with my horrible story shit.

**_shit._ **

that's all baekhyun can think when he looks up from the grocery cart to see that the very last carton of banana milk is in the highest shelf in the refrigerator section. it just has to be there, on the tallest, steepest part of the store, to serve as an inconvenience to him, a short person. he wouldn't normally be this pissed, but he's most definitely not in the mood to burdened by the fact that he cannot reach the one thing he needs the most right now, the one thing that wil make his life somewhat...well, calm. no, actually, he refuses to be burdened by the fact that he cannot reach his banana milk.

baekhyun stands there, staring at the carton with narrowed eyes. he's glaring holes through it and he hopes that he might suddenly gain super powers and command that the glorious, sacred package of milk to come down and rest in his hands, but no. baekhyun is human and there's no such thing as super powers. baekhyun was never one to accept reality when it came to time, but he knew that there was no freaking way he was going to get that banana milk off the shelf by just standing there staring at it. and there's no way he's going to grab a tall teenage worker to come and bring it down for him because he has pride and an ego and he doesn't feel like damaging both of those in one night. 

he hates shelves, this one specifically because it's setting him back some time at home with everything he loves and treasures the most. but shelves don't always have to be an inconvenience for short people just like him, do they? _no_ , baekhyun thinks as his decision to climb up the rest of the cold and refrigerated rack is final. after all, it's late, and he knows that no one's going to come around that corner to stop him, nor is the security guy going to wake up for once and kick him out. _i've got this,_ he chants to himself as he places his foot on the first ledge of the space, precariously gripping the side of the of the row with his hands. he wobbles slightly, his feet feeling weak beneath him despite losing all the weight he's gained in the past two years, but he manages to stay steady. 

"okay," he mutters to himself out loud. "just one more step." he takes that step, right foot balancing on the icy rack. it almost reminds him of a time at the library back in high school when he used to be even shorter. it reminds him of a time when he couldn't reach anything or even look taller people in the eye. not only is his height a disadvantage to him when he's trying to get home one night after work, it's also a disadvantage for him socially. being a mere five feet, eight inches, baekhyun despises the fact that he can't make the brutal eye contact with people that he wishes he could, but it really doesn't stop him from the being the social butterfly he is, the one who is an attention seeker, although not all the time. 

his height is in no way helpful to him in terms of fetching things from tall shelves or making eye contact with tall people, but it does help him get into small spaces and to be as light as he is, which makes it all the more easy to sneak around without getting caught. baekhyun assumes that that's how he managed to never be caught by his parents throughout his lifetime because, admittedly, he was and still is considered a troublemaker. he's never been that obedient, always being manipulative and devious, sometimes shady. he's a nice person, of course, but he loves the fun and the thrill behind adventure and defiance. being nimble makes it easy to play around with other people, prank them, even. he loves doing that, but does his rebelliousness really serve him well? since two years ago, baekhyun has learnt that it doesn't always. he's learnt that escapades aren't always that fun in the end, and he found out the hard way. 

with the motives of getting home quickly fresh and heavy on his mind, baekhyun bites his tongue and takes that step, the one where both feet would now be balancing. but as soon as baekhyun achieves his goal, his desperation and defiance of the rules just had to backfire on him.

"do you need help with that?" as soon as he hears those words come out of whoever's behind him's mouth, he yelps and his hands come loose from gripping onto the chilled surface of metal and he's nearly slipping, falling to his death as it awaits him like a grave he's just ready to buried in. but hey, things don't always have to go wrong for him. and thinks that's especially true when he catches himself with those skinny, bony hands of his, but he's without his breath and his conscience as it slips right out of him and crawls away into a dark corner somewhere. figuratively, of course. 

with wide eyes, baekhyun drops down, clenching his teeth in anger although he decides to refrain from alerting the whole grocery store that he's livid at this deep-voiced stranger who decided to interrupt his climbing the mount everest of all refrigerators right when he was reaching the peak.

"no," he seethes, turning around, just to freeze the moment he sees that familiar face with big eyes and ears, disheveled, curly black hair all over the place, a man just too tall for his own good. a man who deserves a good old hard-ass punch in the face. a gigantic son of a bitch who he just wants to taunt all day long with all the mistakes he's made and all the misfortune he's caused. all he wants is for that huge, built skyscraper of a human being to just evolve into a cockroach that he would have no problem smashing with his shoe this very moment. 

"baek?" is the word that escapes the same lips that were once on baekhyun's. "do you need help?" the older male is still staring, not a muscle in his body moving. the taller boy, however, is awkwardly shuffling, but he remembers seeing what the elder was after when he caused his mighty downfall from the shelf, and he immediately turns to grab the carton banana milk from the shelf. he holds it out to baekhyun, who moves his gaze to the package in the taller's hand. 

and in the blink of an eye, baekhyun grabs the package with his left hand and makes a run for it, ignoring the shocked calls from the man he left behind at the section. he runs all the way to the check-out line, out of breath by the time he gets there, and he makes sure to urgently push the lady when she gets to him so that he can escape the man. but while all this is happening, one word is on his mind; 

**_shit._ **


	2. The Songbird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any mistakes.

"i'm home!" baekhyun shouts as he walks through the front door of his apartment. he slips off his shoes, also noticing that he's still slightly shaking from his outing at the store with someone very familiar from his past. "yejun?" he calls while placing the banana milk down on the countertop, wondering where the boy and his babysitter are. 

"papa!" he hears before he's suddenly tackled to the ground by a small body. he grins, knowing it's his little boy trying to sneak up on him. that's been his thing ever since baekhyun's been working overtime in order to provide for the two of them. yejun has always been a clingy little boy so baekhyun wasn't surprised when it started two months ago. 

baekhyun ruffles the boy's hair, peeling him off his back and into his lap. his one-and-a-half-year-old claps excitedly when he makes eye contact with baekhyun, a thing they have in common while both being determined extroverts. "hey, baby," he whispers in the boy's ear, hugging him close. he looks up when he sees kyungsoo, baekhyun's friend and babysitter, emerge from the boy's room with a bead of sweat trailing down his brow, baekhyun knows that the boy has been a pain in the ass, despite being adorable, for his quiet, trustworthy friend. "soo, was he that bad?" 

kyungsoo looks at him and rolls his eyes, completely acknowledging that the little boy gets his lively and energetic personality from his papa. "if by wrecking your apartment, throwing his lunch on the floor and me having to clean all that up, and screaming for an hour straight, you mean bad, then yes, he's been that bad." baekhyun giggles in response, taking his one-and-half-year-old's hands in his own to play with them as the boy gurgles. 

"oh, come on," baekhyun says. "you know you love us." 

kyungsoo sighs and runs a hand through his hair now that he's grown it back out. "sometimes i wish i didn't," he blatantly replies. he, of course, is joking, but baekhyun knows that the younger needs a break after dealing with his hyper-energetic child all day to go home to his husband and his own child, taeoh. 

"we love you, too." baekhyun stands up, lugging his baby up with him to rest the small boy on his hip. "and thanks so much, soo, for taking care of him. i know how hard to handle he can be." 

"like father, like son," kyungsoo mutters with a small smile, but his words, despite being quiet, do not go unheard by baekhyun.

the elder feigns an offended expression. "excuse me? i was going to say that you could head on home, but i don't think so anymore," baekhyun whines, pout on his face. 

"haha," kyungsoo lamely laughs. "but you're welcome, by the way. and as much as i would love to stay, i have a family of my own to get home to," he pointedly remarks, already slipping on his own shoes by the door as he tugs his bag over his shoulder. "i have to go make sure that jongin's not burning the house down and that the kid's not gone." 

"good point," baekhyun laughs before hugging his friend goodbye. he stands in the doorframe, watching his friend saunter down the corridor of his apartment complex and made sure that the younger got safely into the elevator before finally walking back into his house, yejun distracting himself by putting his fingers in his mouth. "no, no, baby. don't do that." 

the little boy pouts as his father walks down to his bedroom, laying him down in the crib he sleeps in because he knows that kyungsoo has already carried out his before-bedtime schedule, which includes feeding the boy and changing him. "yejun want papa" are the few words that baekhyun is capable of comprehending from the boy's incoherent rant. 

the father shakes his head, grinning down at his child. while doing so, he notices that the boy has eyes like his father, the one he saw today, dark brown ones he could get lost in all day. baekhyun remembers being enthralled by chanyeol's eyes, a deep, endless sea of dark chocolate, he's reminded of being mesmerized by the sparkle the younger boy had when he gazed into the light, like fireflies, it's something that yejun also has, and something that baekhyun doesn't. entranced, baekhyun also notices the boy's ears, how they're elvish and big, and the father reminisces on all the times he called the boy's other father "yoda" because his ears resemble the small and green prophet from star wars. 

the boy gurgled as his father stares at him, squirming around. baekhyun finally snaps back from his trance and he realizes that his baby isn't yet asleep. smiling, he begins singing to his baby boy. his voice is melodic, smooth, unwavering. he has a voice that can sway or woo anyone, boys and girls alike. his heart is on his sleeve as he harmonizes, volume rising and falling professionally, words flowing out flawlessly like honey. there's a sweet tinge behind each note, each lyric that rolled off his tongue. 

he sighs happily as soon as he sees that his infant has fallen into a dreamland, deeply immersed in his own slumber. his chest is lightly falling with each breathe from under his pajamas, his nostrils flare with every exhalation, and his fingers twitch every few seconds, all natural things that occur with his leisured and relaxed posture. 

"goodnight, my love," he lovingly whispers before tiptoeing out of the room, turning on the nightlight as he leaves. he also makes sure to crack the door so that he can hear the baby if he wakes up and is disoriented before walking to his room quietly. 

baekhyun changes his clothes and does his nightly routine, which consists of brief personal hygiene and a perfectly-crafted skincare routine. he gazes at himself in the mirror, scrutinizing his skin for any blemish or wrinkle. the father thinks he's far too young to be developing such things, but with all the work he does to provide for he and his son, he wouldn't be surprised if he was, regardless of the skincare. 

he pads to his queen-sized bed, peeling back the duvet to expose the cotton sheets he loves. he's had cotton sheets ever since he can remember because baekhyun has always priotized comfort over price, so he bought what was better for him and he stuck with them. he lays down in his bed, head falling down on his pillow. and he stares at the ceiling, not feeling like sleeping, no matter how hard his day has been.

he reevaluates his day in his mind, running over ever detail in his memory. his day was fantastic up until he saw the familiar giant at the grocery store. a million thoughts and memories come back to him, hitting him like a rock in the stomach. it nearly knocks the air out of him as he remembers all the breathless moments he experienced with chanyeol before the man disappeared from the town and showed up in the newspaper three months later, the words ' _smrookies gets new amateur rapper, park chanyeol'_ etched in his brain forever. there's so many questions, so many pleads he has, so many terrifying thoughts and memories. 

_why is he back?_

_what is he doing here?_

_what was he even doing in that store without a mask, and why did he help me?_

those questions do not subside as baekhyun contemplates how he's going to avoid chanyeol ever finding out about yejun. he's dead if the man ever does know about him, he's doomed because he knows that if chanyeol does ever find out, the man will want to be with him. chanyeol is that way, he's dedicated and he's far from an asshole, but baekhyun's too afraid to drag the younger back into his life because he doesn't want to fall in love again just to have his heart ripped out before he can even comprehend everything. and as much as he would love his son to be with his father, he is not prone on letting himself be broken down to a mere centimeter of a person again. not again. the first time was bad enough, and baekhyun's not going to let history repeat itself. 

with a heavy heart, baekhyun drifts closer and closer to the point of internal darkness and his thoughts diminish. he's no longer plaguing himself with those questions like those, he's no longer upset over something. instead, he's falling into the peaceful world of slumber, just as his son is in the room across the hall. 

he falls asleep to the tune in his mind that never left when his giant sang him to sleep two years ago, in a night he can never forget. a night that's like a memory of embers sparking a flame inside of himself, but baekhyun can only hope that the undying love he has will annihilate itself as he's in his most vulnerable state, sleep.

he falls asleep to the song that he never forgot.

he falls asleep to his memory's songbird, park chanyeol. 


	3. Runaways and Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any mistakes ♡︎

"so he ran away from you?" sehun asks as they sit on the sofa in the younger's apartment, watching some soccer game that sehun insisted on viewing because it has his "future boyfriend", luhan, a chinese soccer player, in it. chanyeol rolled his eyes when the younger first told him about the deer-like boy he has a celebrity crush on because he knew that the player is way out of the mechanic's lead. and chanyeol was just as surprised to arrive in town two weeks ago, just to find out that the boy has inherited his father's garage and made a killer living out of it. "like, he literally just took the banana milk from your hands, didn't say anything, and just ran off?" the boy is reciting everything he just told him about last night just seconds ago, and chanyeol will admit that it's getting on his nerves.

chanyeol nods stiffly, refraining from showing his annoyance because he knows that the boy has so much against him and he doesn't blame the younger for it. "yep, he just sprinted off." 

"damn, sounds familiar," sehun chuckles, receiving a slap in the arm. "hey! you can't hurt your precious best friend!" 

"you bet your ass, i can," the elder fakes an intimidating voice, but he sees no sighs of affection from sehun because he knows that the younger was never really an enthusiastic person, someone who shows much emotion or exclaims their feelings, and he knows that sehun is the very last person that would ever feel intimidated by him. sehun knows the clumsy, dumbass behind the built frame he'd gained over his time as a trainee, which was actually only a few short months, isn't gone. he's not the same lanky nerd he used to be and wasn't technically proud of, he's so much more now. but it's come to chanyeol's attention that not all people are pleased by his alterations, much less his abrupt reappearance in town. he likes to think he's the pride of his town, for getting out and making something of himself, but now, he's not so sure about that. 

they settle into a comfortable silence between bros, only the sound of sehun's noisy chip bag and the rambling television filling the air. chanyeol watches the screen that he was originally surprised to see that the younger bought with his own hard earned money from working night and day at the garage. he scrutinizes every move made by the players, although he doesn't understand it all that much, and he's sure that sehun doesn't either. it's definitely not boring, not at all, with those talkative commentators and cheering fans and the movement of the sweaty and panting players. he's never been one to be interested in sports, but he's one for exercise, hence his remarkable body, and everything the players do seems to take exerting lots and lots of energy, figures moving all over the place in order to get the ball into either one of their goals.

as chanyeol continues watching the game, his mind begins to drift. he's lost in thoughts, just one person acting as the sun in his solar system of questions, all dancing around the one thing that is the cause of it all. _byun baekhyun._ it was just last night that the rapper saw the boy before he ran out without a word spoken to chanyeol in particular to dwell on. sure, he said no, but chanyeol is sure that baekhyun wouldn't have said anything to him if he had known it was him in the first place. 

he recalls the look in the elder's eyes when he saw the one person from his past that he probably does not want to remember and chanyeol is perfectly aware that the boy has reasons to hate him, a ton of reasons. chanyeol admits that he wouldn't want to see baekhyun so suddenly if he left him with no goodbye just for a better life, and then suddenly returned two years later. he understands what the elder felt in the very moment, that heart-stopping moment, that he saw the very man that tore him down when he was on cloud-9, the man who had ripped his heart out is now back, with no intentions to do the same again, but the problem might just be inevitable. with love, someone is always bound to be heartbroken. 

chanyeol can recollect it all, he can remind himself of the nights before he left that he sat there in bed, baekhyun laying beside him even though they were only recent high school graduates and their parents didn't have to know about their rendezvous. he remembers looking through his phone one night and seeing an ad from a famous company called "sm entertainment" and how they were holding auditions. all it took for him to finalize the decision was the looking down as his puppy-like lover and seeing his calm sleeping face, and telling himself that the boy could do so much better than just him, than just a loser, and he made himself promise that he would come back when the time was right and he had a name for himself, so that baekhyun wouldn't feel like he was actually dating a loser. but the more than chanyeol thinks about it, he realizes that he was an asshole who left everything behind for his pride. he realizes that he was wrong. 

chanyeol was wrong and he broke somebody because of that. and hence forth, there will never be a day in his mind that he won't forget that. all that chanyeol can do now is hope that can fix it, but he knows that things won't be that easy because baekhyun is avoiding him. 

"that's him," sehun breaks the silence and interrupts chanyeol's train of thought. he's pointing at the screen to an average height boy with a bright smile on his face, hair pulled up into a little pom-pom on top of his head, sweat causing his uniform to stick to his body. "that's luhan. pretty, isn't he?" 

chanyeol nods because the boy is undeniably attractive, but doesn't say anything since his friend already has his eye set on someone and the elder doesn't want to ruin it, despite the younger's thoughts being unrealistic. 

"i actually met him a few years back," the younger says, which surprises chanyeol. 

"you did? when?" 

sehun sighs dreamily and chanyeol almost feels gagged because he's never seen his poker-faced, unimpressed friend be so soft for someone, but he figures that things have changed over the time he's been gone, and not always for the best. "at the airport in seoul," the younger admits. "i bumped into him and spilled his coffee on him, so i bought him another one. that was before he became so famous."

"what were you doing there?" chanyeol inquires. "if you were in seoul, you should've come see me. you know i would've let you." 

sehun tenses and his breath hitches, but lucky for him, it goes unnoticed by his older friend who's still watching the boy on the television. "i was just there on some business, you know? had to straighten some things out," he nonchalantly explains with a shrug because he's technically not lying. "nothing too important."

"okay." 

💎 

"god, i haven't been here in years," chanyeol mutters as the younger leads him through the cluttered garage. it's actually more than cluttered, but chanyeol decides not to set his younger friend off with his comments about how messy it is. there's tires piled up in every corner of the room, rusty, old hubcaps stacked in boxes as high as the ceiling, car parts just strung everywhere, but it seem like sehun's getting his job done. after all, he wouldn't have his nice apartment and his decent-sized tv if he didn't. 

"i know, right," the younger mutters, maneuvering his way around the mess and towards the back, where the door is barely hanging on its hinges. "ah, the good old storage-closet-slash-office which is now just my office." sehun pulls the creaky door back, the precariousness of its hanging nearly making chanyeol cringe. inside, however, it's nicer than it used to be. the walls are painted nice shade of white with a big wooden desk slap in the center of the room, the same swivel chair that sehun's father used--and cherished--still preserved and sitting behind the desk. the newest feature is the computer that's sitting atop the humongous desk and it's a bit surprising, considering the fact that sehun's father always charted things down in physical files and didn't believe in the innovation of technology. chanyeol suddenly remembers their talk earlier in the week about how the old man died while chanyeol was gone, that's why his office is so different.

"wow," chanyeol says. "didn't know you could be so organized. doesn't look to same out there." 

"oh, shut the hell up," the younger scoffs and chanyeol's not sure what exactly he's talking about. "people change, don't they? and offices can, too. trust me, they have personalities of their own."

chanyeol laughs in response to sehun's words. he's never really wondered why he ever considered sehun to be his best friend because he knows they're the best of friends for a reason. their relationship has always been platonic in all the years they've known each other and chanyeol feels like he's back in high school again, joking around with his sassy, underclass best friend. 

"the garage hasn't changed much, except for this," sehun observes, reaching for the photo on his desk. "and not a whole lot of people have changed either, except for some." he holds the photograph between his index and middle finger, smiling at it. 

"what is that?" chanyeol asks, confused. 

sehun quickly reaches behind his back to hide the photo. "nothing. just my sacred picture of luhan," he lies and hopes the elder buys it. lucky for him, chanyeol scoffs and rolls his eyes, muttering something about how "that's not healthy". and sehun can only grin mischievously because he knows something that chanyeol doesn't and he has a plan that no one except himself (and maybe soo) can know about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbbctd is officially finished on aff, hopefully no one will spoil ♡︎


	4. Teeny, Tiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any mistakes whatsoever.

baekhyun curses when he sees that his break is over at the diner, and that he has to return to work again. the diner is most definitely not his dream job, it's far from it, but seeing that he has a child to raise and he wouldn't exactly call himself financially stable, he does what he can. the worst part about working at the diner is having his perverted dickhead of a co-worker, daejung, constantly hit on him with annoying remarks about his body. he's gone to his boss about it, but the man says the best solution is to ignore daejung as much as possible until he finally gets what he deserves. baekhyun doesn't think that the proposed solution is essentially efficient at all, but he can stay anything because his boss does a good thing for not firing him when he's late sometimes because of yejun. 

the brunet gets up from his seat at the break-room table and places his empty food container back in his bag. the weight and pressure that his job puts on him is inexplicably overwhelming, but what can he really do about it? when baek graduated from high school, he realized that life always has problems to throw at you, it's a never-ending cycle that is always prepared to tear you down in the most horrifying of ways. he learned that the devil is always after us, until the very end. and with that negative outlook on how evil life is truly, it became his habit to constantly be pessimistic and have no positivity. trust never came to baek with anyone after chanyeol left and love for anyone except yejun dissipated completely. baek also learned that jobs are part of life, and life is evil, so why not describe them as the same thing? 

he returns to his job of wiping counters, serving the regular customers that come in nearly every day, serving the rare new ones, and mopping up the spilled drinks that are the courtesy of the idiotic and stupid teenagers that always sit in the same booth that's farthest from the entrance, where they can taunt him with their relentless neediness and futile attempts at getting him to lash out and be fired because of it. he returns to the same job that never changes and has always brought him such great opportunities with a price. baek's alright with working and getting things done like the average adult who has to face reality, but the ambiance and stress that this job brings him makes him feel like pulling his hair out would be the better option. working is good, but this job isn’t for baekhyun.

the entire time that baekhyun is wiping the counter down, doing the same spots over and over again because he remembers the coffee rings and countless stains adorning the old and worn out countertop and because he's especially immersed in his thoughts, he is thinking of the same thoughts he had last night. he is thinking of seeing chanyeol again with his looming figure and big, silly ears, with his ever-changing messy hair and his awkward atmosphere, with his baggy clothes and stupid grin. although he didn't change much, baekhyun noticed the difference in the giant's body within the few seconds he spent admir-- staring. yes, staring-- at him. he notices that his arms aren't the little pale noodles they used to be, he noticed that his toothpick legs upgraded to themselves to much more muscular egs instead, that his skin was slightly tanner, and that he was much broader than before. baekhyun was simply observing last night, not ogling, and he noticed that the giant is in no way the person he used to be, but neither is he.

in all his years of knowing formerly lanky men like chanyeol, he's never met anyone who changed as drastically as chanyeol. he's never seen someone go from a literal flagpole to a entire pillar, height never changing, but build going from a fifty to a one-hundred. baekhyun's never seen someone be so subtle with their differences, yet it hit so hard. 

baekhyun finds himself rubbing at the air, lost in his thoughts, as soon as he nears the end of the countertop and he nearly falls, if not for him being caught. "distracted, baby?" a voice that makes him groan whispers in his ear. 

"get off me, you freak," baekhyun mutters while pushing himself off of daejung before the man tries to make another move on, much like his other failed attempts. "and yes, i was distracted, but i don't need your help." the brunet pulls a disgusted expression while pretending to brush the dirt off of his clothes. 

the taller man smirks, biting his lip. "ah, but you almost fell," daejung counters. "and you would've hurt your pretty ass if i didn't catch you." 

baekhyun rolls his eyes. he's repulsed that someone would try to throw himself at him like that, not caring if he were to just finish him up and then give him away while he's vulnerable. "thank you," the brunet nonchalantly replies. "but i can handle myself, and i can compliment my own pretty ass. i don't need your input." he leaves the man standing there as he sees that the annoying teenagers in the corner booth are causing problems again. they've all came to mutual agreement that they majorly despise each other. he never recalls himself being as bratty and snobbish as they are in high school, but he knows that as the generations go by, people will get worse and worse. changes get worse and worse. 

he grabs the mop that's always waiting by the counter for the same brats and walks over, straightening his apron. they laugh at him as he cleans everything up and he begins to question everything he's ever believed in, everyone he's ever believed in, and basically just life in general. he questions why he ever made any decision he did, why he ever dated someone with such dreams, someone he knew would leave him behind in the end. he knows that chanyeol means well, or maybe he doesn't because he's beginning to doubt chanyeol as a whole, and he will not let the younger back in his life when he can destroy him at any moment. if chanyeol ever finds out, he knows he should the man in his child's life, but maybe not. maybe not back in his life at all. he's not going to let someone destroy him again, not for a million dollars. because baekhyun is worth so much more. 

baekhyun decides then and there that his guard must be up because he knows that chanyeol will stick around for some more time since he saw the look in the boy's eyes at the grocery store, like everything was coming back to him. things hit him hard that day they saw each other again, and baekhyun doesn't plan to make a habit out of seeing the younger again. he doesn't plan on letting the younger find out because he feels he's too weak to fight against chanyeol's raging emotions towards him, if there're any left. so no matter what, just like his decision making led him to confirming the other night, he must keep a secret, and he must not let anything break down his wall. 

baekhyun must be strong. no matter how hard his heart pushes him to think differently, his mind must fight back in the preservation of he and yejun's well-being. because he can't let himself be hurt. because a broken-hearted parent was never a good parent, right? and because he knew that with chanyeol's current occupation, yejun wouldn't always be the most important thing in his life, and his innocent little boy would led to inevitable heartbreak. so he must do what's better for both of them; keep a _teeny, tiny_ secret. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a filler. my writing doesn’t really get good until, like, the 12th chapter.


	5. A Taste of Your Own Medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any mistakes. look out for members of various groups ♡︎

"your baby daddy's back?" taeyong stares at him, halting his steps as they walk the sidewalk in the park. his own child begins fussing that her father stopped moving the stroller, but it doesn't faze taeyong as the man has raised her and he's just learned to start tuning things out. "like here? here, here?" 

baekhyun rolls his eyes and starts walking ahead, gesturing to the younger man to follow him in pushing his own stroller. "yes," the brunet admits, gritting his teeth to hold back the groan that might slip out if he doesn't. "but it's not anything to be all worked up about--" 

"baekhyun-hyung, are you kidding me?" taeyong exclaims, finally catching up to the older man who is his walking buddy. they do this every week in order to allow their children to socialize. they've been friends for a few years now, ever since high school, and taeyong was there for baekhyun through his years of heartbreak and it's not like the younger is going to give up on him now. the blonde-haired boy didn't spend all his time as a senior comforting baekhyun for no reason, he didn't spend the late night of the hours trying to calm down a father with postpartum depression for nothing, and he's definitely not going to allow yejun's other father march back into his life just like that. "does he know?" 

the older male just keeps on walking. he doesn't feel like answering these questions right now, even to the one person he trusts the most besides kyungsoo. he doesn't feel like spitting out his problems in one go, in admitting all his worries and conflicts, in making the younger do exactly what he had to do in high school when the younger now has a family of his own to care for, a child and a husband at a surprisingly young age and baekhyun's kind of jealous that the boy was able to accomplish much more in his short time as a high school graduate than he was. sure, taeyong found himself accidentally pregnant in high school, unlike baekhyun, who graduated before finding out about it all, but taeyong also confronted his boyfriend, jaehyun, about it and the youngest of the three, with little resistance, took it upon himself the responsibility of caring for his child alongside taeyong, hence their continued relationship and their marriage.

"i asked you if he knows, hyung," the blonde male proclaims with force and baekhyun can't really help but stop at his tone. the younger is usually soft-spoken, never really letting his temper get out of hand unless absolutely necessary, but his voice changes when he demands something. 

baekhyun closes his eyes and shakes his head. "no," he says. "he doesn't know. and he shouldn't know." 

"i second that motion," is how taeyong replies, voice returning to its conventional soft tone with a hint of humor behind it and the elder can't help but crack a smile. "but how are you going to keep it a secret? and didn't you tell me that he's an idol, how's that supposed to work?" 

_those are my questions exactly,_ baekhyun wants to say, but he cannot. he can't show how weak the return of someone who ruined him has made him. he can't show how bad he needs chanyeol, even after two long years of separation. even two years after the baby daddy disappeared. if you thought that baekhyun's depression was bad after chanyeol left with no goodbye, you should've seen him when he found he was a month pregnant a month after and panic set in, and he even considered aborting yejun. but then baekhyun thought about how innocent the little being inside of him was and the thought was immediately evicted when he saw an ultrasound at the doctor's office that very week. that was the moment he decided he was going to keep and raise this child, no matter how weak and vulnerable he was. things got worse after the baby was born, taeyong spent many days taking care of yejun, which was like free parenting lessons for him to later take note of, and many nights comforting baekhyun through to pain of going through it all alone. if you asked taeyong about why he did it all, he would tell you it's because he cares for his hyung, one of the people besides jaehyun who comforted him through his own accidental pregnancy a year ago. their babies aren't far apart, yejun being a mere three months older than areum, but everything was so chaotic when taeyong found out about being pregnant while also caring for his dear and depressed friend. he really did it all because baekhyun needed him, and once baekhyun was slightly better, things looked up for him and he took care of taeyong. 

"i don't know," the elder honestly reveals. "i have no freaking clue." taeyong can hear the sadness behind baekhyun's tone and takes time to stop him from his "power-walking", which is pretty much just walking way too fast. and taeyong decides he's going to do what's better for byun baekhyun, and that means a good old night out. 

"hey," taeyong says, grabbing his hyung's chin to make the elder look at him. "be over at my house by seven, we're going out tonight." his voice is firm, just like earlier, but baekhyun can't help but want to object. just like a normal parent, he's losing his mind with thoughts about his baby.

"but what about--" 

taeyong shakes his head and cuts him off, "no. jaehyun can take care of them. and we can invite kyungsoo and whoever you'd like, okay? you need a night out, and trust me, i do too." 

baekhyun huffs about his friend's accuracy. he knows he needs a break to let out all the stress. it's friday and tomorrow's saturday, after all, so he won't have work tomorrow. he knows that jaehyun is fully capable of taking care of the two by himself (or at least he hopes) and yejun and areum really like to be around each other. he can invite kyungsoo and his other friends to go out with them since he knows they all need a break from their lives, much like he and taeyong. _but yes,_ baekhyun thinks. _i do need a night out._

"alright," baekhyun succumbs to the younger's convincing reasoning. "but you better make sure that jaehyun agrees to this. i don't want to do this without his consent," he tells the younger because he knows that taeyong has a controlling aspect to him that no one can defy the force of.

taeyong rolls his eyes as they start walking home again. "i can do anything i want and he would agree to it. he loves me too much to say no to me." and that, baekhyun can't deny. 

💎

"LET'S GET WASTED, BITCHES." 

is the first sentence that baekhyun hears when they walk into the club. although he's slightly surprised, he's not expecting anything else to leave donghyuck's mouth because the kid can't control anything he does. he doesn't know why he would invite the youngest of the group when he's barely eligible for alcohol and he's sure he wasn't actually thinking earlier, but hey, they can't change anything now. 

baekhyun rolls his eyes, but he's not actually annoyed. he's really excited that he gets to come out with his friends without kids being involved because it's been a long time, longer than he can remember. donghyuck and jungwoo, even, weren't allowed to drink (despite having the fake ids that said otherwise) the last time they came out and the two were tasked with watching their elders, although he's sure that donghyuck may have slipped a cup when no one was watching. 

"shots?" jin suggests, no remorse in his voice. it's shows that he's had enough of life at this point and if getting wasted is they current solution to that very problem, then so be it. 

"definitely," kyungsoo responds with a heart-shaped smile. he, just like everyone else, is dressed up for the club. his attire is slightly skimpy, but less so than the other's because he claims to have "more self-respect", whatever that means. his is covering his body more, while everyone else went a little too far with see-through tops and mesh undershirts and tight leather pants, but at least as adults they have their sanity to keep them in check and away from anyone that their lover's might potentially attack if it comes to them finding out they tried to do naughty things. 

baekhyun's enjoying himself while sipping at a glass of white wine as he watches his friend down every drink in existence. he makes a note to his sober self to thank to taeyong when the younger is also at the point of sobriety in the morning, when the grueling headache subsides and he's no longer experiencing merciless pain. baekhyun feels good here, he feels young again, but that's not to say that he's old. he's only a few years past the high school stage, where most would be in college, and he's already a parent. he's twenty-three, and he is already drowned by responsibilities. 

he observes as jungwoo is silently sipping at his beer with unfocused eyes, at how donghyuck is gulping down every glass of alcohol he can get in his reach, how jin is in the middle of drunk laughter and hiccuping, if there is even a difference, how taeyong is past tipsy because the boy can't hold an ounce of alcohol, and how kyungsoo's taking the strong shots because he can hold it like no other can. and he, baekhyun...he's just there, watching his friends act like they used before life threw itself at them, before nature took its course and decided to mock them, how god laughed when they thought that things would be easier. _and that's okay,_ baekhyun thinks. _because at then end of the day, no matter how hard life gets, i get to go home and see the person i love the most, and the person who will always love me back._ _screw life, screw work, screw--_

"chanyeol?" baekhyun's eyes are wide as soon as he hears the name, his limbs are stiff, his muscles are tense, and his brain decides to stop processing everything. "what the hell are you doing here?" despite baekhyun's eyes being glued to the giant who's hands are stuffed in his pockets like they always were in high school, baekhyun can tell it's kyungsoo who spoke, obviously, because the words come out bitter and furious. 

it's a sense of déjà vu for baekhyun because the exact same scene played out at in the refrigerator aisle at the grocery no longer than three days ago, but this time, baekhyun can't run away. he can't run away, or else he'll be toppled by sweaty bodies and met with gyrating hips, he'll be offered things he doesn't want to use and he'll be stuck inside an inescapable crowd with people who are just trying to let go, but not doing it in the safest way. 

"um," chanyeol begins. "i'm just here for a night out, like you guys, i suppose. i saw baekhyun and i actually need to talk to him, is that okay?" 

"nope." is the response he gets from baekhyun himself, and lazily slung over the edge of the sofa, drink in hand. he snapped out of his reverie mere seconds ago, only when chanyeol was speaking about talking to baekhyun, which, the elder assumes, means in private. and he thinks that he won't be able to control himself if it's in private, his two options either being getting out of hand while trying to kill him or when he can't keep his hands to himself, and he'd rather not get arrested or pregnant tonight. 

kyungsoo shoots him a look, probably wondering how his friend snapped so venomously when he can't even kill a fly, but he does look proud and that's one thing that keeps baekhyun's train of snarky comments along its track, ready to be released at any time. 

"oh, i see," chanyeol says with a nod and turns to walk away, head hung. baekhyun feels bad, but it's not for the reason that you'd think. he feels bad because he's got so much to say and so little time, so why not use it while he can. 

"hey, giant!" he shouts out, hopping up from his seat with a little wobble. he knows that his friends are staring at him inquisitively, questioning how and why their friend is so idiotic. "wait!" the messy-haired boy stops and turns around, eyebrow attractively raised, but baek ignores that. "what is it that you wanted to talk about, huh?" 

"oh, not much, really. i just wanted to say that--" 

"that what? that you're sorry?" baekhyun, slurring, cuts him off. "is that what you wanted to say?" 

chanyeol looks at him concernedly. he can tell that the smaller man is drunk by how he's stumbling up to the giant and by how his words are dragged out with little giggles at the end, how his usually beautiful eyes are pinkish and dulled by the symptoms of intoxication.

"baek, wait a moment--" 

"no! i want to know!" he exclaims, catching the attention of other people in the club. "are you going to apologize? for leaving me? for making my life the shithole it is? because that would be very much appreciated, park chanyeol!" baekhyun drunkenly shouts and his hand makes harsh contact with the giant's chest, but that doesn't affect him anymore, not after the pain that came with leaving. 

chanyeol blinks. "baek, you're not in your right mind. i think you should go back--" 

"i don't give a shit what you think, park! and back to where, huh? go back to my friends? go back to my home? go back to where i'm left to take care of what you caused me? what you burdened me with? you son of a bitch, when you left this town, you left more than you--" before he can finish his sentence, a hand is slapped over his mouth and he practically passes out in kyungsoo's arms. the penguin-like boy begins walking away, but he's stopped by a giant hand resting on his shoulder and he catches chanyeol's gaze.

"what?" he spits angrily. 

"soo--" 

"that's kyungsoo to you, mr. park." to no surprise, his voice is venomous, a hidden bite leaving an internal rip on chanyeol's heart. _it didn't used to be this way,_ chanyeol thinks. _what the hell happened? what was baekhyun rambling about?_

but chanyeol only nods timidly and clears his throat. "kyungsoo, what was he talking about? what happened while i was gone?"

the question infuriates kyungsoo and he's on his toes about his next move. there so much he can do, despite being a little less than average height. there's so many things he can say, so many actions he can take, so many things that can ruin that giant with a single movement from him, but he decides to leave the giant with something that will leave him thinking all night. 

"oh, if only you knew," he answers vaguely before he slaps the giant across the face, making sure that a handprint will be left for him to ponder over tomorrow. and that's all he does before he walks away, baekhyun in his arms. "so much for keeping it a secret, byun." 

and with that, he gathers his friends and decides that it's much better if they leave the giant without closure. after all, what's better than a taste of your own medicine?


	6. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, Screw You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for any mistakes ♡︎

the hangover the next morning is the worst he's ever had. he wakes up in his own bed, yes, but there's an eerie feeling behind it. he knows that kyungsoo dragged him home the night before and nearly beat his ass in the car, for a reason that baekhyun is unaware of, but his mind can't help but clog up once he starts thinking about that urgent feeling to find out more about what he did last night. he can't seem to push away the longing to ask kyungsoo since he knows that the younger wouldn't leave him alone with his child while he's hungover, so he must be somewhere in the apartment. 

but there's a problem. baekhyun can't get out of bed because if he even does so much as try to leave the inviting envelope of warmth that is his bed, his knees will give out from beneath him, his head will spend a million miles a minute, he'll go cross-eyed, and he'll most likely puke all over his freshly-cleaned room and that's not fun for him. so one option is left for baekhyun to do other than screaming his lungs out for his friend to come, but he knows he could be evicted for that, is to call the younger and demand he tell him the details of last night and what mistakes he made, he knows he did something wrong, he always does. 

unceremoniously, baekhyun sticks out a skinny arm, one that feels like it's about to just pull itself out of its socket, and he reaches over to the table beside his bed to aimlessly search for his phone with his eyes closed because lights hurt his eyes. his hand is wandering all over the desk, nearly knocking off some of his books and magazines, almost throwing his daily medication off the edge of the wooden nightstand, and basically chucking off his glasses to fall into oblivion. he's doing no good, obviously, and he doesn't suspect that he can do any better if his eyes were even open. and he doesn't think he could even do any better if he wasn't hungover. 

he groans, the dizziness not subsiding as he pushes himself up on his elbows, peeking slightly at the table that holds the things he needs the most in the morning or at night, and he spots his phone. _voila,_ baekhyun thinks, trying to lighten his heavy and stiff mood. _just hiding there behind a book._ quickly, he grabs the phone and unplugs it from his charger (courtesy of kyungsoo) to check if he has any notifications. all he sees as he scans over the screen are youtube notifications and texts from his manager at work, asking if he is willing to work more, which is a big _no_ from him. not seeing anything from kyungsoo, baekhyun pulls up the younger's number in his contacts and begins to compose a message to him, a heartfelt plead for the younger to please, please inform him of what stupid things he did last night, how he messed up and got everyone sent home just like usual. actually, no, it's either him or donghyuck who ends up the resolution of the night, but mostly him. 

he sends the text and shuts his eyes, eliciting frustration and fatigued noises that just cause his brain to throb more. the only thing his hands can do now that his phone is resting weightlessly on his chest is attempt at massaging the attack inside his head that's trying to get him to give in to the pain, to buckle under the pressure that's sending ferocious and consistent pains through his temples, through every crevice in his head, every spot it can reach. the throb is inexorable. rigorous, implacable waves of what he calls his punishment for allowing himself to get drunk for...whatever illogical reason last night, they just don't stop hitting him like a slap on the face. 

the sound of his ringtone reverberates around his skull since it's so close to his head and he immediately regrets ever placing it right there on his chest. he makes a muffled _pfft_ sound due to the hands rubbing all ove this face to relieve some of the tense muscles in his face and his body. he picks up his phone, narrowing his eyes since they're still not accustomed to the light. 

**'you want to know what happened last night? get your lazy ass out of bed if you really want to know'** is kyungsoo's response. 

baekhyun gasps that his friend if making him do the forbidden action, get out of bed when he can barely keep his eyes open. he's quick to text back a ' _but i don't want to~'_ making sure to write it in a way that the younger will hear, despite it not being said. 

**'i can't give less of a shit what you want, baek. i saved your ass last night and i'm not willing to play games. you want answers, i'll give them, but you have to get out of bed first and come take care of _your_** **kid.'**

the elder scoffs about how the younger has the audacity to not even say "i can't give less of a shit about what you want, _hyung"._ and he pouts, folding his arms over his chest in the babyish fashion that he adores doing so much, even when no one is there to witness it. he goes to send another reluctant text, but before he can, he gets another text from kyungsoo. 

**'i'm not joking, and i know what you're thinking. considering how childishly immature you are, you don't deserve to be called hyung by me. and maybe you don't deserve your answers. i know it all and i can keep it a secret, and you can lay awake all night, wondering what foolish things you did this time. get out of bed, or my answers remain my answers.'**

with a scowl on his face, baekhyun forces himself out of bed, but he forgot that there's a little thing called gravity, so when he went to push himself out of the side of the bed, he plopped down on the floor, sinking like a rock. his face is met with the cheap wood and he can see how much he needs to sweep under his bed now from this view. but with kyungsoo's last text in mind, he doesn't stay in the position for long.

despite his straining limbs screaming at him to stop moving and his brain sending tingles to him, saying that it'll do worse if he keeps pushing himself regardless of his disoriented, incapacitated state. his feet have pins and needles, his toes uncomfortably bend, his shoulders feel like a million pounds are weighing them down, his hair looks and feels like a giant fluff ball settled on top of his bed that he wishes could just magically disappear. he wishes he could just bibbidi-bobbidi-boo away from last night's drunkenness, from the mistakes he has to face the consequences of, from the people he wishes could just dissolve into thin air, and oh, that one person he wishes could just pack back up and leave again, just like he did the first time. baekhyun would even pay for his ticket, for his transportation, for his everything if the man would just stay away and mind his own business. to just migrate like the transient bird he is back to seoul, and then baekhyun can live happily again. but just like every other day, baekhyun must understand that there is no such thing as magic or superpowers, or money for him, really. 

he pads into the open space of his apartment, where, through his subpar vision, he sees kyungsoo sitting with yejun in his lap. the baby is bouncing cheerfully, but baekhyun would've been more amused by them had he not drank his heart out the night before. 

"oh, look," kyungsoo sarcastically drawls, holding the baby's hands. "he finally decided to get up." 

the elder rolls his eyes as he walks past kyungsoo in the living room, to where he can easily pour himself a cup of coffee without any complications. "uh-huh, now tell me what i want to know. what did i do last night?" he inquisitively replies, no humor evident behind his raspy, dry morning voice. 

"but that's no fun," the younger whines, scrunching up his face in an undeniably cute expression while rocking a squeaky yejun on his lap. "i haven't had my time to play with you yet. kyungsoo doesn't like it when he doesn't get to tease yejun's papa, does he?" he says to the the baby in his lap like the toddler will actually respond. 

"kyungsoo," baekhyun growls, voice contradictory to his former tired and lazy tone. it doesn't shake kyungsoo a bit and he would love to taunt baekhyun all day, but he doesn't actually have time to spend his day on baekhyun, which that elder apparently cannot seems to understand. "i'm serious, tell me what happened last night." the silence is deafening, the tension is thick and foggy, and it makes baekhyun feel like he's in a sauna while waiting for the younger to finally answer. 

the raven-haired chuckles deeply, planting a light kiss on baekhyun's son's cheek before standing up and placing him in his place pen, where his toys are there to preoccupy him and buy the two adults some time. "well," he begins. "you certainly found yourself in trouble." 

baekhyun's eyebrows furrow. "trouble? what do you mean, trouble? as in the bar called the police--" 

"no, no," kyungsoo interrupts. "nothing of the sort. more like trouble with a certain 185 centimeter giant whose name starts with a 'c' and ends with a 'hanyeol'?" 

"you mean park shityeol?!" baekhyun exclaims, frightened by what he could have revealed last night without his sober conscience to assist him. "what did i do, soo?? did i say something? did he say something? oh no! did i slip up and--" 

"god, shut up, will you?" the younger blurts, and baekhyun was taken aback by his sudden outburst. sure, kyungsoo is has a surprisingly short temper, but he also has patience for baekhyun since he knows that the elder is a free spirit and does really, really weird and inadvisable things. "no." baekhyun's head lulls back with his sigh of relief. "but you almost did." 

he whines and then buries he face in his hands. he sometimes can't help but think about how stupid he is, how idiotic and problematic he is. he can't help question his parenting skills. after all, if yejun is being raised by him, will be turn out to be like him? will he act like baekhyun? immature, childish, and infantile? will he be so outgoing that he can't control himself like baekhyun? will he end up being the failure that is byun baekhyun? 

"you're lucky that i stopped you in the middle of your rant about what he left behind, or else you'd be a dead man right now, baek," the raven-haired male tells him, although he's already aware. "you need to learn to control your mouth." 

baek sighs. "but i don't know how to do that, soo. you know how i am. i can't control my emotions, my body, my mind, my mouth, and so on down the line of secret-keeping necessities that i'm useless at."

kyungsoo blinks at the older male with a pity in his expression. he doesn't know what his friend is going through at all, he doesn't understand it in the slightest, but all he can do is help his friend somehow. lucky for he and his friend alike, he knows how to keep his mouth shut and he knows how to keep a secret. he was never a popular boy like baekhyun was in high school, despite their blossoming friendship, so he didn't really have any tombs to raid with gossip and rumors. kyungsoo was--and still is--much more composed than baekhyun and he learnt to keep his mouth shut from years of being stuck in the middle of controversy, whether it be who half of his family is for politically and then who the other half is for, then being stuck in the middle of a huge argument of who would be a better prime minister. he always kept his opinion to himself, unless, of course, it was about how insanely foolish chanyeol is, despite years of a love-hate relationship. 

"listen to me, baekhyun," he says, pulling baekhyun out of his personal questionnaire before he can start hyperventilating. "if we're gonna keep this a secret, we're gonna do it good, okay? i'm gonna help you. and so is taeyong and jin and donghyuck and jungwoo. we're all going to help you because friends stick together, right?" 

baekhyun, now a little teary-eyed, nods, folding his hands together solemnly to showcase his neutral feelings about it all. he doesn't know how life will play it out, but the best thing he can do to stop himself from getting depressed again is to have this plan work and have it work completely. and now baekhyun knows he's got friends to help him in this. 

"and i know exactly who to call." 

💎

"hello, oh mechanical garage, this is sehun," sehun says, almost as if it's presented to him on a teleprompter. 

_"hey, sehun."_

"kyungsoo," the younger man replies, voice laced with feigned enthusiasm. "i'm just catching up on some work, whatcha need, little man?" 

kyungsoo audibly scoffs over the phone and it doesn't take long for sehun to know he's doomed if he ever has to see the man again because kyungsoo has a remarkable memory. _"little man, my ass. don't you dare call me that again unless you want your little man long gone,"_ kyungsoo lectures, to which sehun nervously laughs in return, never too sure if they older man is kidding or not. _"anyways, i need your help. we want to keep lil' baek a secret from chanyeol. he cannot find out under any circumstances, alright? you've gotta control that asshole of a best friend you've got."_

"hey!" sehun yells, offended. "that's my _clueless,_ asshole of a best friend to you, soo. but okay, yeah, whatever. bye!" 

" _i swear to god, you better not hang up on me, oh sehun--"_ but his sentence is long gone by the time that sehun hangs up on him, a mischievous smile on adorning his prominent features. he, like kyungsoo, is capable of remaining stoic and unaffected, he's able to keep his opinion (at most times, not always) to himself, and he spends more time tuning everyone else out than actually listening to them. so it's not surprise that his scary hyung has contacted him to do the deed of keeping the precious boy he calls his nephew a secret. 

he vividly recalls the picture on his desk and few days ago, the one he cut out from his yearbook that his mother spent lots of money on, but he doesn't care. a picture of two very important people in the little boy's life, despite yejun not knowing who the big-eared cell tower of a man is in the photo. after all, sehun can do anything he wants with the little boy, and maybe, just maybe, that includes telling him a little bit about his father every time he sees him. 

he's a double-agent, stuck in two plans, both wanting to terminate that other. but he can only play off his plan with kyungsoo, and he can actually put the puzzle pieces together for the two incredibly, unbelievably stupid people he absolutely adores, yet can't help but be tempted to defy at the same time. 

he's stuck, but he's already got a yellow-brick road to follow on his and his best friend's way to destiny. and he's not going to let a fork in the road stop how their fate is supposed to play out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapters honestly don’t get good until, like, chapter 12, so do forgive me for my awful first chapters


	7. Blast to the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any mistakes ♡︎ i’m also very sorry for the mishap with the chapter that got repeated, that was a complete accident. enjoy!

_what the hell?_

chanyeol thought all night, just like kyungsoo predicted. he laid under the thin blanket that barely covered his body on the expanse of sehun's futon. and although the bed hurt his back and he could've thought somewhere else, somewhere more comfortable and enticing, he decided to stay right there. 

he replayed the whole scenario from the bar yesterday in his mind, just as he did last night and into the early hours of this morning, and still, he replays the entire discussion between he and a drunken byun baekhyun, he recalls the words thy baekhyun so venomously spat at him like a poison that was brewing deep within him, dormant until the day finally arrived that it could exit his mouth, whether he was sane or not. and just so happens, that day was last night at the bar, where baekhyun's vague words hit home in an unexplainable way, how kyungsoo stopped baekhyun from revealing something so incredibly important that he literally slapped a hand across his friend's mouth, how the bite in kyungsoo's words struck even harder because they were quiet in contrast of baekhyun's vehement reaction, and how the slap delivered to his cheek still stings and chanyeol feels like it was well deserved, almost. 

he now sits at sehun's kitchen table, looking at his laptop with watchful eyes. he scans over the words that his manager sent him in an email, ranting on and on about how the scandal will go away and soon and he can return. but returning is the last thing on his mind when he closes the laptop quickly, baekhyun's words echoing in his brain, his shouts reminding him of what baekhyun's would've said to him if chanyeol had come back sooner rather than later, if he's returned and told baekhyun about his plans, about what he dreams to do, and he could've taken baekhyun with him because baekhyun's voice is alluringly like honey, gorgeous and sweet, something that chanyeol could listen to all day and fall asleep to. baekhyun could've gone with him, too. but chanyeol left him behind, for good reasons, but things turned out to be worse than he expected them to be. 

what chanyeol was expecting out of a reaction for returning was not for it to be good, definitely not. he didn't know what he was expecting when he came back home to see all that he used to roll his eyes at, all that he abandoned for pursuit of his own dreams. but what he got was worse than anything he could've imagined, what he got was baekhyun, drunk and emotionally unstable, yelling at him over the music in a club about how he ruined him, how he demolished him to a mere shread of a man, how much he left behind, and so much more. but what was that so much more? what was baekhyun hiding from him? what was baekhyun so close to saying last night that was spoiled by kyungsoo's hand over his mouth, his heavy gaze, and a slap on his face. 

so what was chanyeol left to think about? what was he supposed to wonder about? all he has to think about is the things that baekhyun said to him, plus what he didn't say to him. what he was so close to saying to him. something important, obviously, because kyungsoo wouldn't have responded the way he did. maybe he should stay away from baekhyun, maybe he should mind his own business, maybe just let their past stay buried instead of rekindling what is now beneath layers and layers of hardened personalities, beneath something that used to be nothing but a shell and is now locked by mechanism after mechanism, keeping him from getting into it. or, in contrast, he can unlock the secrets that they're keeping and fix things, he can superglue their lives back together, make them as mended as they used to be, but that won't be easy. but has chanyeol ever been one going the easy? has he ever been one for taking the road with no potholes instead of the one with? has he ever been one to pass up such an opportunity to make his life as good and enjoyable as it used to be? no, chanyeol has never been one to take the easy way, he's never been one to accept the submissive option, why else would he make such a commitment to become an idol? to make a name for himself and to make baekhyun happy, when he did the opposite instead? why else would he stay up until 3am nearly everyday to write songs and improve his rapping? because chanyeol's not one to submit to problems, the hardships, and and the conflicts that life throws at him. life attempts to discourage him, to demoralize him, to unnerve him, but he's not that accepting, and he'll never be. 

a face flashes through chanyeol's thoughts and it has him smiling, has his dimples showing loud and clear, for only the inanimate objects in sehun's apartment to witness since the younger's done and gone to work, while he's sitting here, thinking about the person that is the base of his inspiration, the start of his desires. and the more he thinks about it, the more he wants it. the more he wants to be sitting next to that same boy on the bleachers at school before a football game, the more he wants to grab him again and kiss the living daylights out of him until he can't think straight, the more he just craves to feel that soft, milky skin under his fingertips, to hear how lovely his name sounds when being called by that voice. the more and more he thinks about that same person who talks too much, who gets himself in trouble, who is the literal definition of hyperactivity, who resembles a puppy in the best way, the more he feels like fate brought them together for a reason. he feels like the scandal started so that he'll be sent back home to let things solve themselves, to draw two magnets together again, to consolidate two hearts into one, and for them to straighten things out again. god made them for each other, no matter how much their relationship counters what he says, and he's putting them back together. 

the more he thinks about it, the more he knows he must get baekhyun to forgive him. and the more he thinks about, the more he knows he must find out about what baekhyun is keeping from him. 

💎

baekhyun watches as kyungsoo plays with his child. he watches the smile on the boy's face, the subtle dimples that show on his face that have baekhyun thinking. yejun is so much like his father, his idol one, he's so much like the man who could brighten anyone's day, so much like the clumsy man with ridiculously long limbs that make him useless in fitting in tight spaces. his son is so much like the man who ripped his heart without any words, with just simple actions. 

baekhyun remembers those days. he remembers the day it all started. he remembers sitting there in the lunch room, waiting for his new friend named kyungsoo to come sit with him. it was his first day at this new school and everything was already so overwhelming. he has loads of people talk to him that day, loads of people who already made him popular amongst their crowds by inviting him to sit with them, but he refused and went to sit with the boy he befriended in the math class. the boy harshly snapped at him during that period, but he didn't care because the boy looked like he needed a friend, a good one. 

and everything was so funny when a giant boy with big ears and pretty, dark eyes came a sat across from him, twigs for arms folded across his chest as he sat down. 

_"can i help you?"_ he remembers asking. 

_"yeah,"_ the giant replied. _"i can't seem to find your number in my phone."_ they surprised baekhyun, those words, because he wasn't expecting it to be so straightforward and greasy coming from someone as gentle-looking as park chanyeol, the talkative flirter who he already knew from sitting in front of him in literature. _"do you think you can help me that?"_

now if you think that baekhyun actually gave him the number, you'd be wrong. he actually gave the boy his brother's number in revenge on baekbeom after the elder tried to mark on his face in his sleep and was partially successful, but baekhyun, luckily, got it all off. 

_"thank you,"_ is what the giant said before stumbling off to go sit next to his underclassman best friend. 

and then a week later, there was a knock on his bedroom door. he was laying on his bed, skimming through a book he didn't feel like reading. he was bored, despite having a million people ask him earlier that day if he wanted to hang out because he's already so popular. 

_"come in,"_ he mindlessly said, expecting it be his mother coming in to yell at him about some crap he probably didn't do. but he wasn't expecting baekbeom to walk through his door with a giant in tow, a big smirk on both of their faces. _"what's happening?"_

baekbeom grinned down at him, gesturing to the giant. _"your boyfriend's here. i didn't think you'd get so popular after just a week, baek. congrats. but don't have him text my phone next time."_ and then baekhyun was left alone with a skinny giant with a timid smile. 

_"you tricked me, huh?"_ chanyeol questioned as he stood there looking like a lamppost. _"that wasn't very nice."_

baekhyun remembers shrugging in response before saying, " _it looked like a good opportunity to get back at my brother, so i took it."_

the giant nodded, looking around the room for something distract himself with, until he came across a notebook labeled 'songs'. _"songs? do you like songwriting?"_ chanyeol asked him. 

baekhyun sheepishly nodded. _"yeah,"_ he said. _"i wrote a few, but i'm not that good. i don't play many instruments so i don't really have much to work with."_

_"i play guitar, and i can help you. if you'd like, that is."_

that's how it all started. that's how they began becoming the best of friends who sat beside each other everyday and opened the book that represented their hard work, what was the start of their friendship. 

it wasn't until junior year that they became something else. it was valentine's day and baekhyun was complaining about being alone while chanyeol and kyungsoo sat next to him. chanyeol nodded his head with every word while kyungsoo didn't say anything, watching the sophomore who asked him out two nights ago strut across the lunch room with his uniform shirt untucked, it had kyungsoo drooling. 

_"i hate valentine's day."_

_"just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to hate it,"_ chanyeol told him while wolfing down some kimchi. _"i'm alone and i don't hate it."_

 _"whatever,"_ baekhyun groaned. _"boys are stupid anyway, and so are girls! boys are too dumb to see anything and girls are way too shy to even ask me out. i'm probably better off alone, anyway."_ then the bell rung and they were back on their way to class. he went all throughout the day with a pout on his face, arms folded. he didn't talk to anyone, not even if they just simply asked for a pencil from him. he was so upset about not being anyone's valentine. 

and then they were on their way home, baek and chanyeol walking in the same direction since they both lived that way. chanyeol had a lollipop in his mouth as a noodle-arm is lazily slung over baek's shoudler, ignoring the elder's glower. they stopped when they reached baekhyun's home and the brunet separated from him wordlessly, beginning his advance towards his home. but his wrist was caught and he was pulled back by a certain lanky giant who needed a haircut, and despite his disorientation, he was kissed smack on the lips by his best friend. he was shocked, but as soon as he started kissing back, chanyeol pulled a way with low " _happy valentine's day, baek"_ before he walked off and towards his own home. 

nothing was ever the same after that. chanyeol asked baekhyun out the next day while kyungsoo was stuck in his reverie about the sophomore football player named kai, who, baekhyun had to admit was incredibly handsome and nice, but he had already said yes to his lovely, awkward, stupid giant, who still needed a haircut. 

and they went out on that date when he got that haircut. and they went on many dates after that. but one night, in senior year, after a good study-date, they were too caught up in kissing. baekhyun was only in his boxers while chanyeol was slipping off his shirt. 

_"wait,"_ baekhyun remembers saying as the giant came back down to kiss him. _"are we going too far?"_

chanyeol groans, the pain down in the southern part of his body being too much to handle. baekhyun's interruption was no help in getting rid of it. _"you tell me. do you want to do it?"_

 _"chanyeol,"_ baekhyun said, making the younger look at him. _"i want to, but i don't want to regret this. i won't have a reason to regret this, right?"_

chanyeol shook his head and looked at his older boyfriend. _"no, you won't. because i love you and you love me, right?"_ baekhyun nods. _"then you will always have me, no matter what happens. i promise. now let's keep going, yeah?"_

and on that night, many _i love you's_ were whispered, so much pleasure was shared, so much love was made. it was between two naïve teenagers, two young people far past the line between love and lust. so many noises were made, so many kisses were shared, so many feelings lingered. it felt like electricity with each thrust, a mark of possession with each hickey on baekhyun's neck, a satisfying burn of need with every scratch running down chanyeol's pale back. but a promise was made that night. a promise that chanyeol did not keep. 

_'you'll always have me, no matter what happens'_ _my ass,_ baekhyun thinks, the reoccurring words leaving a bitter feeling within him. he can't help but think about all the things that chanyeol told him, all the promises made, all the words said that he can't fulfill. baekhyun didn't ask for much in their relationship, he didn't ask for money and jewelry and all that, instead, he asked for love, and he got it, but then it all slipped away from him in one night of lovemaking and then waking alone. he remembers being angry at chanyeol for not waking him up, but when he came to his house to see that chanyeol wasn't there, and it happened again, and again, until a month went by and he was holding a pregnancy test in his trembling hands, feeling numb as the wet, hot tears slid down his cheeks. he got kicked out that night, he was heartbroken, homeless, jobless, and pregnant, and it wasn't until kim jongin from high school pulled up beside him as he was walking down the road and asked him if he wanted a ride. he refused at first, but the boy formerly known as kai insisted and drove him to lee taeyong's house, where he cried his eyes out in the poor boy's arms. 

baekhyun was and is so thankful to have people like taeyong, kyungsoo, jongin, jin, donghyuck, jungwoo, and even sehun with him all throughout his struggles and hardships, and they still are with him. although, he can't help but feel indebted to them for that very reason. he burdened them with his heartbreak, he brought them down with him. that was selfish of him, he will admit. but he is still very grateful for their kind, benign behavior towards him. 

and chanyeol should feel indebted to him. indebted to him for carrying his child, not giving up on the poor, innocent human being that deserves the world. he thinks even more so as he glances up from his lap, brought from his thoughts, and sees yejun topping off his tower of building blocks with a final block, the one with the letter 'y' on it because it's the start of him name. 

"papa!" he squeals. "wook at my twower!" yejun exclaims in baby language, but it's still slightly intellible so baekhyun understands it. 

"good job!" baekhyun hoots as he admires the wobbly structure that's somehow still standing. 

"you alright, baek?" kyungsoo asks with raised eyebrows. 

baekhyun nods. "i'm fine." he's relieved when he sees that kyungsoo has accepted his answer and has turned back to play with yejun more. taeoh is far too young to be playing with someone as energetic as yejun, so kyungsoo plays with him alone, his son left at home with jongin. 

baekhyun's alarmed when he hears a knock on the door so he quickly stands up, but he doesn't look where he's going and his foot hits the block structure of his son, causing them to fall and spread across the floor. his son pouts, but kyungsoo is quick to liven things up again and tells him that he can rebuild while pushing baekhyun to get the door. 

baekhyun stumbles up to the door, not bothering to look through through he peephole. he opens the door, relieved as he sees sehun standing in front of him. "oh," he breathes. "hey, sehun. you wanna come in?" 

the younger boy shakes his head, bouncing on the balls of his feet with a straight face. "no, actually, i just came for something real quick." 

"well, what do you need?" 

"you're at the diner tomorrow, right?" he asks. he's fidgeting with his hands and it becomes to suspicious to baekhyun so he narrows his eyes at the younger, noticing how he's gritting his teeth. 

"yeah," he drawls, tone inquisitive. "why do you ask?" 

"just wondering, bye!" sehun exclaims before picking up his feet and soaring down the corridor, pressing the button to the elevator a bunch of times. baekhyun stares at him and the elevator doors open and he practically jumps in, waving a quick goodbye to baekhyun before doing the same thing to the elevator with the close-button. baekhyun's confused, but he doesn't feel like dwelling on it, so he walks into his apartment with a strange look on his face, thinking,

_what the hell?_


	8. The Building Blocks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry for not updating, i’ve been very busy!! happy belated thanksgiving, happy belated birthday to park chanyeol, the loml, and my dear apologies for any mistakes ♡︎

"sit down, baekhyun." 

is what his boss tells him when he enters the office of the man who employed him a few months ago. he's trembling, he's nervous, and he doesn't know what to do if he gets fired. he'll have to find another job and he doesn't know if he'll have to qualifications for another that job that may potentially require much more than he can provide, but baekhyun shakes off the thought and bites his lip to refrain from desperately begging his boss to allow him to stay. he hopes that he can do that. 

"y-yes, sir," he replies and sits down on the creaky chair in the office that he doesn't like because it makes him feel like he's fat. "uh-- with all due respect, sir, w-what am i doing here?" he adds and stares at his boss, who sits back in his plush swivel chair, hand under his jaw to keep his head up. 

"well, baekhyun, i just wanted to see how you're doing. daejung told me that you seemed distracted, and that you snapped at him the other day when he caught you almost falling. is there anything you'd like to tell me about?" the boss explains, bushy eyebrow raised to the look the boy in the eye. 

_yes,_ baekhyun wants to say. _your precious daejung was being the usual perverted asshole._ but baekhyun cannot say something so irrational about his co-worker, for he knows that his boss admired the man. baekhyun will admit, daejung is a hard-worker, he's good at his job, and he's also in college with a scholarship for architecture, but that, in no way, makes the boy a better person. because daejung is selfish and he's straightforward, he gets what he wants from the boss, when he wants it. and baekhyun wishes his boss would be more active about, to stand up and stop the boy from his annoying, perturbing actions towards baekhyun and a few of his female companions. 

baekhyun lowers his head, closing his eyes to make his fatigue subside. "no," he answers, looking back up from his lap to keep him from falling asleep right then and there. he was awake all night last night, taking care of yejun because the boy started puking in the middle of the night. it was concerning to baekhyun because he's never been one to let sickness fly by, so he drove the baby to the emergency room, which took, in baekhyun's opinion, _way_ too long. and it was 4am when baekhyun finally got home with a sleeping baby in his arms and nothing but a diagnosed stomach bug. he was so afraid that his son might have complications in his sleep, like choking on his vomit, so baekhyun set a towel by his bed and sat in the chair placed in the boy's room, watching him intently until kyungsoo arrived at 7am and it was time to go to work. he's exhausted, that's what's wrong, and he still had to go to work this morning. "nothing's wrong. nothing was wrong when i lashed out at him, and nothing is wrong now, sir." he began to get up from the seat, but the boss stopped him. 

"sit back down, mr. byun," mr. jung, the boss, says strongly, making sure his tone was heard and obeyed. baekhyun did as told. "i know that i ask a lot out of you, but you're one of my most admirable employees and you do your job well. i just want to know if there's anything you need." 

as much as baekhyun would like to ask his boss for time off, rent must be paid and groceries need to be bought. he has responsibilities and he knows he must face them head-on, so he must refuse his boss' subliminal message behind the question. he must do what is better for him financially instead of what is better for him, really. what he does for his family is more important for what he does for him, is what baekhyun thinks. he thinks it would be selfish to ask anything from his boss, who's already done so much for him.

baekhyun shakes his dismissively. "i'm sorry, mr. jung, that you're alarmed, but i'm fine," he insists. "now may i get back to work?"

mr. jung sighs agitatedly and rubs at his temples, tapping his foot on the floor. baekhyun knows that he has upset the man, knows he's irked him after denying him obvious truths, truths about him being emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. "yes," the man says, finally caving. baekhyun jumps up from the seat, catching himself as his knees wobble. "but, mr. byun," he calls. 

baekhyun turns around and blinks. "yes?" 

"make sure you're getting enough rest at night, those bags under your eyes take away your beauty." baekhyun smiles at nods at the message behind his words, and knowing that his boss is simply complimenting him, not throwing himself at him because the man is twice his age and is already married to a loving wife with two adorable children. 

"thank you, mr. jung. i'll do that." 

💎

"i'm gonna punch you if you don't tell me why the hell we're here." 

sehun rolls his eyes, grabbing his best friend's arm as he pulls him away from the rusty pickup truck, towards the building that looks like it could fall and kill someone any minute. "come on, you stubborn dickhead." 

"i'm stubborn? i'm the dickhead? must be talking to yourself," chanyeol remarks, groaning as his friend still doesn't give in to requests to _please_ let go of him, to just let him sit in the car. "i mean, who even goes to diners these days, huh? old people? we can just order on uber-eats or something--" 

"will you shut your mouth for one damn minute, park chanyeol?!" sehun exclaims, halting his advance towards the diner. he desperately looks his friend as his chest heaves, he's not usually one to make a scene, not one to have an outburst, but he can't control his emotions at this point because he's so close, so damn close, but chanyeol just has to be the asshole he is. "i'm just asking you to come in here for one moment, park chanyeol? can you do that?" 

chanyeol nods, dumbfounded as much as sehun is himself about his outburst. "okay." 

sehun purses his lips and grabs the elder by the arm again, trudging towards the diner with a determined look on his face. he's got a plan, not a very good one, though, but one that'll suffice. he knows what he's going to do, he knows what he must do, in order to get those two together for one freaking moment without either of them acting like the pussies they are, despite them both having dicks. 

his feet are scratching against he rough pavement of the parking lot with every strut and he stops once he reaches the glass doors that need to be cleaned. he opens the door and drags his best friend in, not caring if the door came to slap some sense into the giant. his heart sinks when he sees that baekhyun is not behind the counter, though, and he can't help but feel like nothing's going to play out like he planned it to. 

"what?" chanyeol inquires. "why'd you stop?" 

"shut up," he replies and drags his friend over to a booth, pushing him down on the seat before getting comfortable himself. "now we're just going to wait here." 

chanyeol makes a confused face. "who? what? who or what are we waiting for, sehun? why'd you drag me here, you know i have work to do as much i know you have work. can't we just go home?" in the middle of chanyeol's mindless rant, sehun sees the familiar boy emerge from the back, tying the apron around his waist. he's quick to hop up, leaving chanyeol behind. 

he seats himself at the bar, right where baekhyun will see him if he turns around. and luckily for him, he does. "oh!" he says, nearly dropped the cup he's holding. "sehun, i didn't see you there." 

"hey, baek," he smiles, watching his older friend do work while he's thankful he can get himself a day off to carry the chanbaek ship on his wide shoulders. "just wait for it." 

baekhyun looks at him strangely, like he's confused, and sehun knows he is. the puppy-like boy is busy with work and maintaining the conversation between he and his younger friend, so he doesn't observe his surroundings. "wait, what do you--" 

"sehun, you little son of a bitch!" the tall man is revealed behind him, staring daggers into his younger friend. "i-i'm sorry for my language," chanyeol apologizes, sitting down beside sehun at the bar as baekhyun tenses and glares at sehun from where the giant is unable to see. the silence is deafening because he can feel chanyeol's eyes on baekhyun, and the latter's eyes on him, and he wants to just disappear like chanyeol succeeded in doing two years ago. 

"hmm, i'm thirsty, aren't you, chanyeol?" sehun cuts the tension, drawing the giant's attention back to him. he reaches over and grabs the menu on the bar, despite knowing all the choices the diner offers, and scans through it, deciding he wants a water. he practically chucks the menu to his older best friend, who takes the menu with a heavy glance towards him. "water, please." baekhyun nods and looks at chanyeol, however, he's avoiding his eyes. 

"um...i'll have a coke, please. thank you." 

_the same unhealthy bitch he used to be,_ baekhyun thinks, but freezes as he hears a low " _what did you say?"_

he turns around, tense as ever. chanyeol's looking at him with those brown eyes narrowed, thick eyebrows expertly groomed. baekhyun's almost jealous that the giant has better looking eyebrows than him, but at least he can pride himself on his neat hair, unlike chanyeol, who always looks like a wild man. "nothing," he utters, avoiding eye contact with either of the two handsome, broad, and tall men in front of him. 

after succeeding making their drinks without having to talk and while listening to their whispered conversation taking place behind his back, he hands the drinks to them, flinching and quickly withdrawing his hand when his hand touches chanyeol's. he nearly the drops the coke, but the giant's hand is big enough to already to already have a good grip, so he catches it and baekhyun sighs in relief. being as tired as he is, he most definitely does not want to mop the floors again. 

"so, baek," sehun says. "how're you?" 

baekhyun rolls his eyes, for it's the least physical thing he can do to show the youngest just how perturbed he is by their appearance. "couldn't you have asked me that when you came to my apartment last night, grilling me about my work schedule."

" _pfft,_ " sehun scoffs. "i did not grill you. i asked you one simple question, that was all." 

"and when i asked you a question in return, you ran off and nearly put the elevator out of service. want to explain that?" 

"ugh, can't i just ask my friend how he's doing without him bitching about something?" he groans and immediately stiffens when he sees that baekhyun gives him a sharp look, a really sharp look. ever since baekhyun gave birth and raised yejun, he's had some kind of controlling authority over sehun and the younger does not like it. he's sassy and he loves being able to offend his friends, but not when they scare him like baekhyun does. he's a kid at heart, and authority does not suit him well, so he straightens. "anyways, how are you actually doing, huh?" 

"i'm fine," baekhyun responds, taking a break to lean against the counter. 

"no, like how are you _actually_ doing. like, all of you, or whatever," he curiously says, feeling the same sharp gaze from just a few seconds ago on him, so he averts his eyes to the floor. 

however, while he's expecting baekhyun to respond with his mom-voice about him being "perfectly fine", the eldest's voice is replaced with his best friend's. "are you guys hiding something?" 

_oh, yeah,_ sehun thinks. _this is going to be great!_

"no," baekhyun grumbles, attempting at distracting himself with arranging things on the counter. nothing is happening at the diner right now, no one new is entering, no reckless teenagers are causing a ruckus, and things are settled. it's almost eerie, baekhyun will admit, but it's not because of the silence, but rather because chanyeol caught on to sehun's beating-around-the-bush. 

"really? because there seems to be so many secrets and i'm just lost, mind letting me in on things?" 

"nope," baek remarks, popping the 'p' with his signature subtle sassiness that he has been waiting to use on someone all day now. "not a chance." 

"you're not telling me something," chanyeol confirms, voice slightly muffled by his hand being placed over his lips. now baekhyun can see where yejun gets his repulsive habits.

"because it's a secret." 

"baek, we promised each other that we wouldn't keep secrets." 

"that was before you broke up with me." 

there it is. the silence that sehun is expecting sets in as chanyeol's jaw is slack, his mind searching its dark and empty corners for words to reply with, but obviously, he hasn't found any. _this is going to be so good,_ sehun, an open and proud drama queen who's been stuck in between the two's argument, thinks, watching with a blank look, although he's internally enjoying it. 

the drama is nothing new to sehun, he loves it. he personally thinks that he should join a drama group because he not only lied to kyungsoo about keeping the two away from each other, he also started all of this and he's acting like he has no regrets. he's just the way he used to be in high school, pushing chanyeol to ask out the new hot kid. that evolved into so much more and he can't help but pat himself on the back for his questionable thinking, as he was thinking with his dick. he doesn't refrain from tooting his own horn every once in a while, a natural thing he prides himself with. he hopes that luhan enjoys drama as much as he does because he knows he's going to be with the soccer player one day, and they're going to cause lots of drama together. 

baekhyun didn't think when he said what he did, but he doesn't regret anything. he doesn't know what got a hold of him in that moment, but it obviously got chanyeol speechless and he's satisfied with that. if the younger keeps his mouth, that's better. and although his mouth isn't technically shut and baekhyun can't help but adore the thought of flies getting into chanyeol's mouth that way. he doesn't want him to shut it, but he's already tired of that stupid, old, awkward, repulsive, annoying, agitative, baek-can't-think-of-anymore-adjectives-to-describe-it face, so he reaches over and shuts the giant's mouth. that's the best he can do. 

chanyeol's hit hard by those words, they remind him of every little thing he's messed up on, every test he's failed, every speech he's stumbled across his words in, every thing he ever did to make the love of his life the sad and snappy person he is today. he's struck by the truth behind them, because, after all, it's true. his leaving was like the universal sign for 'i'm leaving you, we're over' and chanyeol wishes he'd thought more about doing that back then because he didn't want it to be that way. but he didn't really attempt at contacting baek, he never really tried. and all he can do is blame is himself. 

"baek--" 

"papa!" 

now that, no one was expecting, not even sehun. it's a piercing squeal, a scream that could make anyone deaf. and it does nothing but deepen the tension. they're frozen, baekhyun's eyes ready to pop out of their sockets, chanyeol's mouth twisted in the conception of his words, sehun's shoulders arched as he takes a drink from his water. the water that drops a moment later and hits him right in the balls, and chanyeol's confused as ever, rushing to tend to sehun, baekhyun's stuck and panicked. 

days of training for sworn secrecy begin to fall apart as the little boy runs towards him, days that made him prepared to keep yejun a secret for weeks, months, and years to come, however long it takes to shoo chanyeol from his town, to rid them of his presence, to give them complete and utter tranquility because chanyeol is no longer there to haunt him. that wall, that structure he made, those building blocks he stacked so, _so_ high and sturdily are coming tumbling down with one push _._ and he knows he's doomed the minute those tiny arms come in contact with his legs and he finds himself engulfed into an embrace with someone he can't even seem to get himself to hug back, no matter how much he wants to. he wishes he could reach down, pick yejunnie up and swing him around, do anything and everything just to hear his beautiful giggles, to see his son's smile. but right now is not that time and he has to remind himself that he's still at the diner with sehun and yejun's father, the one-and-only park chanyeol. 

"shit!" the words are said by kyungsoo as the panicked male observes the situation, which draws chanyeol's eyes away from sehun's freezing balls, to kyungsoo, and then to the situation he's watching. he sees, right in front of him, his ex-boyfriend being hugged on the legs by a little boy who's muttering ' _papa, i missed you'._ his eyes are wide, wider than usual, even wider than kyungsoo's, as he watched tears build up in baekhyun's beautiful eyes, the ones he used to admire, the ones that used to be filled with joy and happiness, that are now dulled and opaque, unable to be seen through. his glassy eyes are like a mirror that chanyeol can gaze through and see years of pain and suffering, all done by baekhyun, and this little boy, the one calling him 'papa', is obviously the bridge between sanity and insanity, the bridge that is now falling like the tears in baekhyun's eyes. 

"chanyeol," baekhyun says, voice a mere whisper. it leaves a chill running down chanyeol's back as sits there staring, right next to his best friend, who's heaving at the painful feeling of icy balls, and chanyeol immediately understands. this little boy is the explanation behind all of it, and now it's time for him to find out. "we need to talk." is all he says before he faints.


	9. I Promise You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my sincere apologies for any mistakes whatsoever. watch out for chap. 12, that's my favorite one!

baekhyun was confused the moment he woke up in sehun's bed this morning. he was heaving, unable to breathe. his throat was constricted and his lungs felt tight, breathing wasn't a pleasant thing. his lungs felt as tight as they did the moment he heard his son's first cries. they felt as tight as his muscles the moment he finally felt that weight he carried for nine months off his body. and they felt as tight as his grip on the hospital bed rails the moment he refused to look at his child that would remind him of the man he used to trust, love, and adore. those muscles felt relieved one day that he finally worked up the nerve to not blame his son for his father's mistakes and accepted him, taking him into his arms. but he doesn't feel like the tension will be lifted anytime soon right now. 

in his moments of disorientation, sehun was there to calm him down. he was there to help him inhale and exhale correctly when the memories hit him, knocking him off his feet. he remembered that it was the end to all his secrecy. he remembered that yejun and kyungsoo had unexpectedly arrived at the diner yesterday while sehun and chanyeol also happened to be there, and that's where life decided it was going to throw yet another curveball at him, try to change his trajectory, and try to discourage him. 

_well, guess what, life? you've succeeded,_ baekhyun feels like saying, but speaking it aloud would get him some strange looks from chanyeol. 

after sehun calmed him down and explained the situation to him, he got out of bed with the help of the younger man since his limbs felt like wet noodles, his knees tried to betray him with every step, but sehun, being the big and strong man he is, practically carried baekhyun out of the room, to where they were met with a sight that could melt anyone's heart except byun baekhyun's. chanyeol was sitting with the boy in his lap, gripping the baby's much smaller hands in his humongous, monstrous hands. the baby giggled while staring at his father with wide eyes. chanyeol was not oblivious to the fact that it was his son in his arms, he was still in shock, but completely convinced. the small and subtle features (to him, but to others they were much more prominent) that resemble his own were icing on the cake. 

as soon as the giant looked up from his child in his arms and made eye contact with the man who bore his child, his breath hitched and he sheepishly smiled, all while baekhyun kept a stoic expression whilst his insides were churning and his mouth was threatening to cave and expose him, but he was able to compose himself and steer clear of glaring at the giant.

 _"you want to talk?"_ was what chanyeol had asked him. baekhyun responded with a simple nod. the youngest of the three offered to take the baby and chanyeol allowed him, handing the giggly child to sehun, who walked him to his room and shut the door to give them some privacy. usually, baekhyun would be appreciative of the benign gesture, but he felt that the atmosphere between he and chanyeol was heavy, thick, and awkward. 

and that's how they ended up here, sitting on sehun's couch, no word yet spoken. chanyeol keeps clearing his throat, indicating that he wants baekhyun to say something, but baekhyun sees it as chanyeol should be the one to talk first because he wanted to conversation. but then again, baekhyun did tell him that they needed to talk yesterday. and it turns out that chanyeol will make him keep his word. 

"ahem," chanyeol cleared his throat, _again._ it enraged baekhyun that chanyeol is making him do the talking, making him initiate conversation. 

"do you have something to say?" _if he's going to make me do it, might as well make him speak too,_ baekhyun tells himself as he folds him arms with a scowl on his face. it's close to a pout, but not close enough, and it's the kind of look he uses when he's not only mad, but upset too. 

"y-yejun, huh?" he inquires. "that's a nice name." 

"i know it is. i wouldn't have picked it for _my_ son if it wasn't," the elder spits. his tone is icy cold and a chill runs down chanyeol's spine, his fingers fiddling with buckle of his belt to distract himself. 

chanyeol is thinking, searching for something that will fade the elder's bitter words. all he can fit in his head right now is thoughts of what life was like for them when he wasn't here, when he was living his own life in seoul. the anger and intensity behind the brunet's point leaves him wondering if they were better off without him. maybe that's why it was their intention to keep his son a secret. maybe that's why kyungsoo slapped him at the bar. and maybe that's why kyungsoo cussed him out earlier with words he can never erase from his memory and left him with a kick to his crotch, making his balls as painful as sehun's. maybe, just maybe, life was so much better without him. 

chanyeol knows that life was better without him to infuriate the brunet the way he does without even speaking more than five words. chanyeol has acknowledged in the good twenty-four hours he's had to reevaluate his life and everything he's ever done that he's not cut out to be anywhere near baekhyun, not after what he did. but after sehun simply told him _you're the father_ last night, before he went to sleep in the chair of the living room because baekhyun was finally at peace in his bed, chanyeol accepted that he must make an effort to support the two, whether he's physically there or not. he didn't sleep at all last night just so that he could think about it, to contemplate his life and his choices, to choose the better options, because he's, once again, _not_ the kind of person to take the easy way. his choice was final at the ungodly hour of 2am, where he couldn't get himself to sleep after that, so he just watched his of sm-rookies videos with nothing but remorse and self-derogation on his mind. 

it's not uncommon for him to belittle himself, but last night was the worst it's ever been. last night, tears did not roll down his cheeks, they didn't even manage to escape his eyes, and chanyeol understands that it takes a stronger person to let the tears to go than to rather keep them in, but felt as if crying was self-pity, which he definitely didn't feel. chanyeol knows he did wrong, but he did it all for baekhyun, he did it so he could come back to the love of his life and raise a family and have lots of money. but chanyeol went about it all the wrong ways. sure, he came back to the love of his life, who now seems to resent him and he doesn't blame the brunet for it, and they have a family, but baekhyun's the one who's been raising it, all by himself. and where's chanyeol been, huh? building up his pride and his ego. money fits in there too, somehow. because he came home with lots of money, but with nothing to spend it on like he'd planned from that very night, two agonizing years ago, to now. he planned to buy baekhyun his dream home with everything he's ever wanted. and now he has all the resources to do that, but no baekhyun to give it to.

"are you going to say something?" baekhyun hisses, snapping the taller back into focus. chanyeol realizes that he's been staring, mouth ajar, and that's not really the face you want to be making in front of the person you love, who despises you, because they might think you're gawking at them. "or can i just get up? because you're wasting my time." 

"wait, baekhyun," he says when the smaller begins to get up. "i-i'm sorry, j-just sit back down." the brunet complies, but not without a heavy sigh for chanyeol to dwell on. "sehun told me that yejun is my son and i know it's true." 

"okay?" baekhyun remarks with an annoyed face. "is that all you had to tell me?" 

"no! n-no, i just...i've realized how much pain i've caused you. and i'm so, _so_ sorry about it. baekhyun, my point is, i've thought about it a lot since last night, i didn't even sleep because of it. i've wronged you so many times and i don't think it's forgivable--" 

"it's most definitely not. of course, i'm not going to forgive you!" baekhyun exclaims, face red with anger. "not after you abandoned me-- abandoned us! do you think sorry's going to cut it, park chanyeol? years of expenses paid to keep him and i alive, while you have fans who would kill themselves just to keep you alive!" 

chanyeol sighs, the guilt hitting him harder. "i know, and you have no idea how much i wish i could make up for lost time, to give you all that i have because i messed up. i'm not expecting you to forgive me, at all, but i'm willing to pay for everything in return of my mistakes."

baekhyun gapes at him, anger written on his face in thick, black sharpie. his eyes are filled with hatred and resentment, all things that chanyeol wishes could be replaced with his beautiful, glittering eyes, eyes that lit up with the subject of mischief and adventure, now filled with bitterness and disgust for him. "do you think you can make up for all you've done with your money? do you think you can climb your way out of the hole you dug with a check with my name on it? nothing good ever came along with hegemony by your money, park chanyeol! don't even try to convince me of that!"

the words hit home, because they feel true. chanyeol is really doing something as pathetic as bargaining with money, expressing his dominance over baekhyun by convincing him with money. the smaller is right, hegemony never got anyone anywhere, and chanyeol doesn't want to be that person, be that bastard who uses his money over people. he doesn't have ill-intentions, but using his money to buy his way back into their lives will solve nothing and nothing at all. 

"baekhyun, listen to me," he says when he finds that the smaller is calmer now, his chest is now longer unhealthily rising. "i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i came off that way. your points are irrefutable, it was awful of me to even bring up the topic of my money. but...i just want to be here again." 

"to be here again? like, be with me again?!" 

"no--" 

"that's not going to happen! you're never going to sleep next to me again, never going to be allowed to touch me again, and that precious little boy in there may be our son, but he, in no way, is your son because i raised him to be the child he is, and the child he is going to be, therefore he is _my_ son. you lost that privilege the moment you left town and never came back, chanyeol. you lost that privilege the moment you signed for that record deal!" 

"i understand that--" 

"understand what, huh? that you may be his father, but you're the worst kind of father there is? you weren't there in that hospital with me the moment he left my body and i couldn't even look at him! why? because he reminded me of you, that's why! he reminded me of all the pain and sadness you've caused me, all the wretched things you've done to me! and sometimes, when i look at him, i see you in him and it just breaks me apart, makes me wish that you were here to see your son instead of leaving me behind for some damn rapping job! do you understand now?! that the things you've done are so bad that i've hurt other people in my life while recovering from them? d-do you? b-because i-i don't think..." he trails off as his body is wracked with sobs, the tears start falling uncontrollably. chanyeol takes in the words like a splash of cold water while he's asleep, he's been told the cold, hard truth. he sees that he's caused much more than he expected. 

quickly, before baekhyun hits the ground, chanyeol grabs him and pulls him into his embrace, tugging him against his chest and those tears he hates so much soak his shirt. he hears sobs that he wishes he could unhear, sees a sight he always wished he never had to see. he had to witness baekhyun, broken in his arms, unable to speak coherently, incapable of standing alone. he knew that baekhyun was broken from the moment he arrived in town and got those strange, hateful looks. he knew he was broken when he got the banana milk for the man at the grocery store and not a word was said before baekhyun raced off, surprising him. and he knew baekhyun was broken when he saw him at the club and the boy let a mouthful out before kyungsoo was there to restrain him. chanyeol's so horrified by the sight of someone he loves so much being so broken that he starts crying himself. he lets go of that sense of pride and his wall is falling down, crumbling like in the battle of jericho. chanyeol broke baekhyun, and chanyeol broke himself. 

"shh," he says, voice wavering. he cards a shaky hand through baekhyun's hair to calm him down, to ease the clutch on his shirt. "it's okay, you're okay."

"i-i just--" his voice is cut off by his own cry, his words vanishing into the ambiance, making it even more thick and smothering. 

chanyeol shushes him, despite the war that's going on in his own head, rationality versus irrationality. "you d-don't have to talk, baekhyun." 

suddenly, baekhyun pulls away with swollen eyes and a betrayed look on his face. he appears as if he can't believe he did that, he can't believe he hugged the man that caused so many problems for him, so much pain. "i-i'm sorry, i shouldn't have done that." 

"no," chanyeol says, voice more firm. "it's okay." 

silence fills the air as baekhyun sits on the edge of the couch, half-on and half-off, zoning in and out. chanyeol stares at him as if he's going to do something else so abruptly. it's awkward, uncomfortable, because that's the way they are when it comes to discussing deep things after so long. they've both come to see that they've changed in their individual ways and that they can't quite get to each like they used to, like when they were young. 

"i-- do you want to finish telling me what you were saying earlier?" baekhyun sniffles, still looking away. 

chanyeol nods, knowing that baekhyun will see it and understand his wordless response. he manages to gather the words in his head that won't trigger baekhyun's emotions, words that he's now learned are _sorry, money, forgiveness, and here._ he composes something that he hopes baekhyun will not interrupt halfway through. "okay," he begins. "i know i've done bad things, i hurt you so, so bad and i'll never been able to make up for that. but i can offer you some things to pay for your groceries and bills, so you don't have to work so much," he pauses to take a breath of relief that baekhyun is listening intently instead of intervening with an angry objection. "and i can promise you that i will be there for you in the future, and yejun. i thought about it and i realized that it's my job to care for you and him." 

"you will?" 

"yes," he reassures sincerely. "and i just want to thank you for giving me a son, and i'm so angry at myself for not...knowing about him and leaving you two in a vulnerable time in your life, baekhyun. i've never been more indebted to someone as much as you because you gave me something that no one else can, a child of love. he was made on a night, two years ago, where i showed you that i love you. and you may not love me like you used to then, but i just want you to know that i never stopped loving you and i never will." the words have baekhyun tearing up again, shaking, wishing he could say _i love you, too,_ but life doesn't play out like that, because baekhyun has a grudge to hold, a big one, because of the horrible things that happened to him while his giant abandoned him. and all he can do is hope that chanyeol hurts as much as he does right now. "i want to take care of you and yejun. i want to father our son in repayment to you. consider it a...subpar atonement."

baekhyun blinks back the tears that threaten to fall again and sucks in a breath, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth. "and how will you do this? you're an idol, remember? how will you have time for this? for us?" 

chanyeol sighs when he remembers that he doesn't have a plan for that. he hopes that they can come up with something. he hopes that he can fix things and not let his job get in the way. because as much as loves his job, if he has to choose between the two again, he will, without hesitation, pick his family. "i don't know," he admits, but is wide-eyed as he sees baekhyun's glare towards him. "but we'll figure it out. i can contact my company and we can try to make arrangements. things will work out, i promise." 

baekhyun sits in his seat, repeating the words in his head, but noting to bring up the words _i promise_ again. nodding, baekhyun finally speaks, "do you remember what happened the last time you promised me something? like, genuinely promised?" 

chanyeol sends a confused glance at him. "what?" 

"i asked if you remember what happened when you last promised me something." 

"oh," chanyeol whispers. "no." 

baekhyun bitterly laughs. "it was our first time. you said ' _you'll always have me, no matter what happens. i promise.'_ and then you broke that promise. you left me." 

chanyeol feels blown away, remorseful. the guilt hits harder than he thought it could, even harder than earlier. "i'm sorry, baekhyun," he says, voice small, although he means his words. 

"i know you are. let's just hope you can keep this promise this time," the brunet mutters. "great, now that this is settled, you've gotta work this out and i'll be waiting for you, chanyeol. and unlike you, i don't break promises." 

the giant sits there and the words sink in before he comes to the realization that that was _indeed_ fair. 


	10. Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any mistakes ♡︎

chanyeol heard nothing but silence on the other end of the phone, but he wasn't expecting anything else from kwon jaehan, his manager. the man has a knack for being speechless when it comes to large revelations, just like the one he just told the older man. he almost feels like speaking again, drawing jaehan from whatever spacing out he's doing from the other end, he feels like breaking the ever-changing awkward silence they always share, whether they're talking over the phone or in person. but chanyeol also feels like infuriating his manager wouldn't soothe the burn like he wants it to. as much as he wants to just start talking again, he can't. well, it's more like he doesn't want to enrage his manager to the point where he quits like chanyeol's past two managers, who did so because they couldn't deal with his "attitude" or his "carefreeness and liveliness", but that's their problem. not chanyeol's. and he doesn't care if he gets another email from lee soo-man himself about the whole management fiasco, because he promised something to baekhyun and he's not going to let go of it all because of some ceo, or his boss. don't hold him to that, though. 

he grimaces at the sound of harsh breathing over the line. he knows right then and there that he's just angered the older man, the same controlling manager who never gives him a break or lets him off the hook without alerting the ceo first. "park," the man seethes. "tell me why you request an immediate hiatus, _right now._ " 

"well," he begins. "i'm back in town with my family and all." chanyeol's suddenly proud of himself for denying the company contact with his family back home because that would mean they would have to know where he was. he remembers leaving the town in spite of their wishes that he stay there forever and start a family and get married, while he was already in love with someone they despised and had dreams to pursue. that's why he hasn't gone to visit them in the time he's been here. "and there's been a sudden emergency, manager-hyung. i really need to be here." 

"mind telling me what you mean by emergency?" 

the giant's silent for a second, knawing his lip. he's making it think like it takes some time for him to explain while he's really just coming up with a compelling story to lie to his manager with. the man is probably so mad right now that he'd believe anything as an explanation, but chanyeol also has to make sure that it's believable to everyone in the company, and that includes lee soo-man. 

"you see, hyung, my sister is having her baby soon and i want to be here for my nephew's birth. plus, my father was recently in an accident and he hurt himself really bad, i need to stay behind and help care for him," he blatantly lies. he has himself thinking about his family, about what has become of them. he wonders if yoora has made something of herself besides being a news anchor. he found out that she's a new anchor about six months ago when he turned on the news and she suddenly popped up. he was very surprised, to say in the least, but proud. and regarding his father and mother, he has no idea. he left to pursue dreams that were far above their standards (which kind of makes him skeptical about what yoora's doing on the television) and he only thought about contacting them after that once. it was the day of his debut and he was nervous, nearly jumping out of his socks, but he brushed away the thought as soon as it occurred because he was afraid he would be crying in front of an entire stage of curious people. that was also the day he thought about baek and decided to look him up on social media, only to discover that he deleted all his accounts and was currently unreachable for chanyeol. that tore him apart, but at least he could finally stand on that stage in front of everyone else and do what he loves. 

"why do i feel like you're leaving something out?" his manager doubtingly questions, voice laced with undeniable skepticism. "you shouldn't lie to me, park chanyeol. you want another message from your manager to find its way to lee?" 

the giant gulps down the terrifying thought of his boss telling him that he can't work as an idol anymore, of his boss finding out all of his secrets and firing him. the thought has crossed his mind countless times, and he can't help but feel afraid of it, but he can't think about it right now as he trying to lie to his senior and get away with it. if he can convince his dickhead of a manager, he can do it to soo-man, too. 

"i know," he says, voice light so that his manager won't gain suspicion because he's acting serious. "i'm being serious. i need to be here for my father. and for the baby. it's important to me." 

jaehan huffs, and chanyeol can already visualize the man with crossed arms. "you're shitting me right now. you have to do this? at this time? chanyeol, if this scandal hadn't happened, you'd still be here in seoul, getting ready for another comeback! your ass better not be doing this just to get out of it. you signed that contract, park. and you can't take it back." 

"so you're saying that i can't work up a lawsuit?" he asks the man in retaliation. "that's a lie. sm has been involved with the law before, don't even try to convince me otherwise. and i'm just asking for a simple favor, jaehan. get me a hiatus before i go so much farther than just making you quit," chanyeol spits, angered that jaehan would try to put this all on him. yes, he would've debuted if the scandal had never occurred, but he hasn't been slacking off, he's been writing and everything during his time here, though his full focus hasn't been on work. not since yesterday, the day he made a promise to baek that he'll stick around and work his magic with the company. 

"chanyeol," the older male grumbles. "this is important." 

"yeah, and so are my needs and wants!" he lets out, his tone thick with resentment. "the company would be nothing without the idols, and the idols can be everything without the company. i demand a damn hiatus, jaehan, and i better get it. or the company will being receiving yet another lawsuit, alright?" the giant hisses and finds himself sucking in air like a drug because he needs it to calm himself before he threatens the relentless denial of kwon jaehan. 

his manager sighs. "fine. i'll contact the head of the company about it and i'll see what i can do. but i can't promise you that i'll still be here when you come back to seoul." 

"i couldn't care less," chanyeol remarks. "thanks. now let me go and actually live my life." he hangs up the phone with a breath of relief, the tension in his neck that he gains when he's conversing with the man already lifted. he feels like celebrating, like standing up and jumping around, but he can't get himself to do it. he's delighted that he was capable of fulfilling his promise to baekhyun, but he's still far beyond indebted to the older man. he owes so much to him, so much pain and agony. to one person, the situation may not seem so bad, they may not understand the hurt that baekhyun experienced, but it's understandable to chanyeol because it's the one he loves that is hurt, it's the one he spent all this dedicated time on. he's watching his love heal after being broken, how wouldn't that hurt?

he gets up from sehun's table and walks to the door, sliding his shoes on and a jacket over the thin material of his grey nirvana t-shirt. chanyeol's got no plan as to where he will go, but he just needs some time out. he needs some time digest it all. he needs some personal time to understand everything in his life. he's a little overwhelmed, lost in the maze that is his life. he can't turn back, really, he's made so many promises so far and he can't suddenly give up on them. baekhyun's lecture about keeping promises and not breaking them was more than encouraging to him at this moment. 

all chanyeol needs is a little time. a little time to understand everything. 

💎

chanyeol blows into his hands, attempting at keeping them warm as the cold weather of the town threatens to overtake him. the bench he's sitting on is rugged, splinters most likely digging into his slacks. but he doesn't care as his mind is filled with many thoughts. 

_how ironic,_ chanyeol thinks to himself. _a park in a park._ he would laugh if he were in the mood, if he had the motivation to. he's got lots on his mind, he's got lots to think about, lots to let sink in. the reality of everything is trying to make its way into his bloodstream, work all the way into his heart. he still can't believe it all, no matter how real it is. 

he can't help but question how he got here. he can't help but wonder how the hell all this happened. he was still in seoul a few weeks ago, working day and night to write and record new music. he worked endlessly to do what distracts his heart from the pain it endured when he left. but now that he thinks about it, that pain was nowhere near the pain that baekhyun suffered. his heart before he came here was dark, no matter how great the feeling of living his life the way he wanted (with one very important detail absent) felt. he was always missing the one thing that could make him smile at any time or any place, baekhyun. 

and then a scandal took place, a horrible thing that people tried to do. some people tried to mix him up in a gay scandal, make others think he was sleeping around with other men. but it was all a lie, all just accusations against him. it's the whole reason he came here, the whole reason he came knocking on oh sehun's door at 6am in the morning and awoke the sleeping beast. the whole reason the kid let him in with a hard slap on the back that was undeniably painful. that was the whole reason he entered everyone's life again. and it wasn't by his own wishes, but by the company's.

sticking around wasn't the plan until the rumors and gossip didn't disappear as they had planned. he was still stuck with scandal under his name, problems plaguing his life as an idol. there were times he regretted ever pursuing his dreams, much more than he did before, when he found out that things weren't looking up. there were times he wondered if quitting and returning home to stay would be the better option, the less depressing option, and most importantly, the easiest way to go back and fix things. but it happened by default, a way to go back and watch everyone else that used to be in his life pay for his mistakes. and there's nothing worse than that. 

and now, finding out that he has a son was the most shocking thing he's ever experienced. he never expected to be told that he has a child, it was actually the last thing he could think of when soo and baek were trying to keep things from him. but he now has to face the reality. he has to understand that he has a son that he didn't know about, that he never knew was born. he has to comprehend that someone he loved so much felt so much pain when he gave birth to chanyeol's child in that hospital room without him. he must've felt so much misery while sitting there, seeing everyone else in the room in awe of a baby, while he just felt the grief and darkness sink in. chanyeol's a father-- 

_wait! i'm a father!_

the realization hit harder than he thought it would. he didn't know that the thought we be that astonishing to him. he never thought about the fact that he is a father, he only thought about the fact that he has a son, that baekhyun bore his child, but he never really accepted that he is, indeed, a father. he and baekhyun have an heir, someone who is the equivalent to a night of love and passion together. 

"you okay?" he jumps, startled at the interruption of his thoughts. looking up from his lap, he nods and exhales, relieved. "sorry," baekhyun says, a slight chuckle in his voice. "what are you doing here?" 

chanyeol feels tingles as the smaller seats himself next to him on the bench, peering out to the park where yejun is wearing a big, blue coat as he chases around a few of the other kids on the playground. "i'm just...cooling off, i guess," he replies, gloved hands folding over his lap. 

"me too. i bring yejun here every week so that he can get out. he really likes playing with other kids." 

"he reminds me of you," chanyeol remarks. "always playing with other people." 

baekhyun laughs lightly, small smile on his face as he watches his son and a few others kids start making laps around a flock of birds. "yeah, that's true. but he reminds me of you when he suddenly trips on thin air. he does that a lot, actually. i'm starting to get concerned," he says with a frown. 

the taller of the two turns to him with a grin. "why? i started out like that and i'm still alive, aren't i?" 

"yes, but hardly," baekhyun jokes. 

chanyeol feigns an offended look, gaping at the elder. "how dare you?! look at me, all muscle, no fat! i'm the best i've ever been!" he retorts, making hand gestures to showcase his abdomen. "put a palm to it if you'd like." 

the smaller stares at him, mouth ajar. his eyebrows are raised like he wasn't expecting it, probably because he wasn't. he takes the time to scoot a little further away from chanyeol because he thinks if he does what the younger suggests, he could write himself a check he can't cash in, and that's something he does not want to do. 

"i-i'm sorry if i made you feel uncomfortable, baekhyun," chanyeol lets out, diverting his gaze to the ground that's covered in layers of wood chips. this bench is somewhat familiar, it's old, hence the splintering wood of it, but the playground is brand new. it must've been installed while he was gone, like many other things in this town. 

the smaller shakes his head. "n-no, it's alright. i-i don't feel like it." they fall into a silence that's actually comfortable this time because of the closure that baekhyun gave him. the air bites at their skin, through the layers of their clothes, into the spaces in their shoes, and through the material of their gloves. there's an earthy scent to the air because of the forest that that park is surrounded by and the river the runs through it, sides connected by a sturdy wooden bridge. "have you contacted the company about staying?" 

"yes, actually."

"what'd they say?" the smaller asks, his fingers digging into his palms as he's anxious for an answer, no even minding how thick his leather gloves are over his hands. 

chanyeol cracks a smile. "i persuaded my manager to let me have a hiatus. it'll be finalized when he gets back to me next, but i know it'll be approved. that company can't say no to me." 

"and why is that?" baekhyun inquires, cocking an eyebrow. "what makes you so special?" 

the younger chuckles at that. "uh, when i became a trainee, i once met this man who told me that at company is nothing without its idols, but an idol is everything with their company', one will win, the other will lose. and the company i'm signed under has...well, issues and it's known for mistreatment. i actually convinced my manager with that today. i can threaten to leave the company and have a breached contract."

"you would do that?" the brunet asks, voice wavering at the words. he didn't know that chanyeol would threaten to leave his company if it meant that he go to return to his family. he didn't know that chanyeol is willing to give all that up. but baekhyun assumes that it's because he knows he has a debt to pay and a son to tend to, some mistakes to fix. "you would breach your contract just to be back in this shitty town? just to be with your son? and...me?" 

chanyeol nods, but looks away. he's gazing out towards the river that flows by, watching the water run over to eroded stones. "baekhyun," he mutters, stepping out on a limb to reach over and place a hand on the smaller's shoulder. "i'm not the same person that i used to be. i've learned from my mistakes and i'm willing to admit that. you may see the same side of me that abandoned you, and i'm so sorry for that, but i will do what i can to be here for you and yejun. for the sake of you both." 

baekhyun blinks at him, the words working a nerve in him. they wash over him like a wave, the weight of the water pushing him down with every slam against him. those words strike a chord, a chord that shouldn't be struck, but baekhyun lets the word dissipate into nothing more as he straightens and reminds himself of his place. he can't let this man back into his life, because no matter how many promises he makes to them, how much he swears he will do, he will end up having to go back to his old life in the end. his selfish side will resurface in the end. baekhyun is not all that he wants. baekhyun is someone that he knows he loves, but has to chose from if it came down to him or music. because music has been chanyeol's dream even before baekhyun ever met him, it's been his dream since the very beginning of it all. the elder remembers the hours spent with chanyeol that all he went on about was music, was the thrill that came along with such beautiful noise. he spoke hours upon end about how his love and adoration for the soul it took to pursue music. he knows that chanyeol's dream is his biggest priority, and he doesn't want to get in his way if he'll be thrown out again. 

"i know you're not. let's just hope that everything works out, chanyeol. let's enjoy it while it lasts," he says before standing up and brushing off his clothes. he feels chanyeol tense beside him, but ignores it as he advances forward, planning to disregard whatever objection the younger has for him. "yejun!" he calls out to the boy, who turns instantaneously at the sound of his name. "let's go home, buddy." he watches the little boy run over to him, turning to send a quick way towards chanyeol before he walks off with him. 

he watches his son look back to the tall man still sitting on the bench, staring mindlessly at the ground with a blank face. it tugs a string in his heart to see the man look so lost and hopeless, losing his bright and beautiful features. it hurt him to see the little boy wave to him when chanyeol knows that his son is unaware of who he is. baekhyun knows that he must tell the boy that the tall man is his father soon, but for right now, things are just fine. 

"come on, little man. let's go home."


	11. Date? Date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s a LOT of errors in this chapter since i noticed them while cross-posting from aff, but please do be kind and ignore them ♡︎ i’m too lazy to edit after having written a pwp anonymously

"you want to what, now?" the younger man blinks at him, eyes wide, even though he's sorta, kinda squinting, his lips are contorted into a permanent scowl as he refuses to showcase the flattering shape of his pink lips to anyone except his husband and child. "why would you want to do that? you're just inviting him back in your life, baek. where's the sense in that? chanyeol's like a rat, you know, where he finds food, he stays." 

baekhyun sighs at the words, believing some of them while not believing others. "i know you hate him, soo," baek says. "but he's my child's father and i'm not going to deprive him of his father. absolutely not." 

"i know you'd like to think that, but what happens when it comes down to you two and the idol job, baek?"

baekhyun's tongue settles within his cheek and he thinks for a moment. he's thought about this a lot lately, about what will be chosen when chanyeol has to make a choice. even though baekhyun made the decision that he will not allow the younger back into his life to be anything more than the father to his child, baekhyun can't help but think about how his son's heart will be broke the moment that career gets in the way of family, the moment that money overpowers bond. their bond isn't huge right now, it hasn't quite blossomed yet, but baekhyun knows that it will when he tells yejun that chanyeol is his father and they create something bigger and stronger, and baekhyun can already visualize the look on the boy's face when it's time and it's horrible.

"i know," he mutters. "i've thought about that." 

"have you?" the younger male monotonously asks. "because i don't think you have. do you realize that with every step he takes back into your life, he brings his demons, too? it's like pandora's box. even if you open it up the slightest bit, you'll be letting out more than you can handle. baek, i think-- i know that you should think about this more," kyungsoo tells him assertively. 

baek rolls his eyes. "i want my son to know he has a father. i know chanyeol, even if he has to choose the industry over us in the end, he'll still make an effort." baekhyun opens to fridge door, pulling out a soda can. "you know him." 

"the last chanyeol i remember knowing was a selfish one," the younger retorts. "and that was not a nice sight to see, especially with what it did to you." 

the elder huffs. "that's not fair, that was a bad time in my life. i'm better now. i've moved on, believe it or not." 

kyungsoo laughs as if baekhyun's previous statement was comical, he laughs with his stomach, deep within his chest, and all the way down to his heart. baekhyun's sure he's never seen kyungsoo laugh so hard, in fact, it's almost as hard as how chanyeol laughs, arms flailing, body all over the place. he almost feels offended that the raven-haired is making such a big deal out of what he said, he feels upset that kyungsoo is making a fool out of baekhyun by laughing at something that baekhyun needed to say, that baekhyun needed to convince himself of. 

"y-you-- did y-you just s-say what i think you said?" kyungsoo throws his head back with a loud cackle, hands curling around the edge of the countertop to keep him from falling off the stool. "t-that you're over him?!" he's still breathless as he speaks, little giggles escaping his mouth. 

the brunet stops to look at him. "yes, i am." 

"sure. you can keep on telling yourself that," he says, voice suddenly turning serious. "but don't you come running back to me and our friends when your heart is ripped out and stomped on like a bug. there's nothing about that man that you can trust. you said it yourself, he's park shityeol." 

"but he's--" 

"i know, i know! your baby daddy," the younger exclaims. "and if you want to prove that you've gotten over him, then you need to go on a date." 

baekhyun stops what he's doing to stare at him. that word, the word 'date', triggers something in his mind. it brings back unwanted memories and tears, years of self-deprecation and years of recovery from depression. the last time he went on a date was the night, that would lead to a month, before he found himself alone with a second being inside of him, a poor, innocent, helpless child that chanyeol encased inside him, a seed that a clumsy giant planted inside, that grew into something as beautiful as he peacefully sleeping, smart, independent toddler who deserves the world, but is held back by his father's financial status and depression. he's a product of lies that grew into being something so beautiful, the most admirable flower, a sight that stands at the very top in baekhyun's mind. his son is a beauty, a piece of art, something so, _so_ remarkable that it should be photographed and displayed to the entire world, something so valuable made from something so messed up and unresolved. he's made from a negative and a positive and he ended up being the best kind of energy of all, a mixture of both. but his idol father, the negative, is not his safe place, not someone he can go to if he needs something because he's always preoccupied and busy, always distracted. and if baekhyun won't allow chanyeol back in his life, he just get things back together and have some kind of father-figure for his son. and a date might just do that. 

"a-a date?" 

"a date." 

"i don't know, soo. i haven't been on one is so long and i don't think that it's just something you get back into," he admittedly replies. 

kyungsoo raises a brow. "is it? or do you just not want to? is the reason that you're 'holding' up your guard so much, because you don't want to fall for him again?" he inquires and baekhyun curses under his breath as he realizes that that's what it looks like, that's how it seems to someone else. he stills himself and tries to shake the thought from his head, the thought that kyungsoo may be right. after all, kyungsoo has always been more sensible and composed, smarter and intelligent, hardworking and understanding. _but no,_ baekhyun tells himself. _kyungsoo doesn't always have to be right. i can make decisions for myself._

"can you?" soo suddenly grills him. "can you make decisions for yourself?" 

_curse kyungsoo's weird-ass telepathy skills._

baekhyun nods. "yes. yes, i can. and i will let myself make decisions. i'm in charge of myself, soo, you're in charge of you. and your pea-brain of a husband and your squishy kid." 

"yeah," kyungsoo drawls. "but that doesn't mean i can't help you make this decision. your son doesn't even know that chanyeol's his father, baek, but you're willing to sacrifice your own happiness for your son. for a man he doesn't even know. you've got to get out. go on a date. actually move on," he lectures, tone serious. he's been this way in advising baekhyun of what may be best for him because believe it or not, baekhyun really panics when the situation gets out of control, when things overwhelm him and he gets stuck. kyungsoo's been making decisions for him since high school, since the very beginning. but now baekhyun and kyungsoo are adults and it up to them to make their own decisions, but soo is doubtful about baekhyun. he worries that baekhyun will forget about himself and end up broken again.

unlike high school, kyungsoo now must teach baekhyun to care about himself again. 

"alright," baek grumbles. "i'll go on a date," he pauses when he sees kyungsoo's face light up. "but not with one of your husband's friends. not a chance. we just have to wait for the right guy to come along." 

the excitement was not as bright as before, but at least it's sitting there on kyungsoo's face. at least it's plastered there, witnessing his best friend make a judicious and practical decision. baek's listening for once, not enthralled in his own world, and kyungsoo couldn't be happier. "of course. you've gotta get over chanyeol." 

"right," baekhyun says with sarcasm. "anyways, that can happen _after_ said man has movie night with yejun and i. he'll be here soon." 

"and you're sure you're okay with this? allowing him back into your life like it's easy? don't you think he'll take advantage of that?" 

"yes, yes, and no," baekhyun replies, walking back over the refrigerator to take out the vanilla ice cream form the freezer. he must leave it to thaw slightly because he knows that chanyeol doesn't like his ice cream to be too cold or tough and yejun is the same way. he pulls out the scoop from the drawer across from him. "listen to me, soo. he's providing things that i need. that yejun needs. time. love. money. those are all things we're both in desperate need of, okay? please just trust me on this. i'm making this decision for myself and you have to accept that." 

kyungsoo sighs heavily, his index finger and thumb making their way to the almost-indentions on each side of the bridge of his nose, pinching the place that calms his nerves. he doesn't know why he does it, and the whole indentions thing came from when jongin made a comment about how he does it so much that he'll gain permanent creases in that spot. "okay," he begrudgingly says. "i can't believe i'm letting my baby go, but okay. but i will not hesitate to sharpen my knives again if he hurts you again." 

"once again, i'm older than you!" baekhyun playfully reprimands him. "you should be my baby." he pouts at the younger, attempting to do the tradition all their ancestors did as a method of persuasion; being cute. he does it because he knows it's something that can make kyungsoo livid, to make him explode into the tiny ball of bitter flames that he is, and baekhyun happen to receive amusement from the sight. he loves testing soo's patience and he doesn't have a single regret for doing what he's doing.

"no!" kyungsoo hisses. "don't you dare do it right now!" 

baekhyun only laughs, watching his younger, more responsible best friend cover his eyes and ears, blocking anything that may squeeze between the cracks of his fingers and scar him eternally. "okay, okay, i'm done." 

slowly, kyungsoo removes his hands from his face and settles them in the counter, small smile aimed at baek. "it's good to see that you're making your own decisions, though. i hope that right man comes along for you and yejun." 

baekhyun smiles in retaliation and nods. "me too. for the both of us." 

"you never know, baek," soo begins. "anyone could be right for you and you'd never know it. sometimes you have to look past the filthy walls and see what's on the inside, see what they can give from in there. the best people are the most subtle, you'd never know it. like how i used to think that jongin was a dickhead, but then i talked to him and i got to know him, see what he was like. and now i'm married to him with a son. and i couldn't be happier." 

baekhyun rolls his eyes. "your words are so encouraging."

the younger blinks at him. "i'm not joking." 

"whatever." 

"baekhyun, i'm serious, you need to find someone who is good for you--" suddenly, the doorbell rings, cutting the younger off. 

baekhyun grins at him like he just disregarded their entire conversation. he probably did. "looks like we don't have time to continue. i guess we'll have to keep going next time i see you." 

_oh, dear goodness,_ kyungsoo thinks and rises from the seat, taking it as time to go home. 

"well, then, baek. i'll see you the next time i can." he stalks to the door at the same pace as baekhyun, luckily already wearing his shoes, and he's there the moment that baekhyun opens the door to a giant with a stupid, big-ass grin, and he makes sure to stomp down on his foot the hardest that anyone has ever done so before continuing down the corridor without a look back. 

he's not sorry. 

"ow!" chanyeol cries, cradling his injured foot in his grasp. "that little demon." 

baekhyun scoffs. "he's not a demon! at least he's right most of the time, unlike some people, aka me and you," he tells him. "yejun is in his playpen, you can get him out when you finally stop being a pussy and get up off the floor." 

"that hurt!" 

"and you know what else is going to hurt?" baekhyun asks. "when i finally snap and kick you in the balls harder than he did." and with that, chanyeol rises from his crouching position, following the elder into his apartment. he can hear the faint gurgling of a little boy in echoing through the space and he instantaneously lunges for the kid. 

"yejunnie!" he cheers, picking the giggly boy up and spinning him around. it's at times like these in the few days he's known of the child, when yejun has his hands in his mouth and is laughing at everything, that he questions how it's the same child. the child he saw at the park, the child he heard screaming in the background of the call baekhyun gave him since he got chanyeol's new number from sehun, is the child that is independent and obedient, listening to everything that his seniors say, but he has a different side of him. the other side of him is like an actual baby, even though yejun is nearing two. chanyeol's amazed at the duality of the child, the difference between his attitude at certain times. he absolutely astonished as those wide eyes stare right back at him. 

"chanyeol?" baekhyun calls from the kitchen, peering through through the window space to see him. that's how he manages to do all he has to do in order to be productive and to keep his child safe. 

"yes?" 

"what kind of movie do you want to watch?" 

chanyeol furrows his eyebrows. "i don't know. what kind of movies do you have?" 

baekhyun laughs to himself for a moment. "yejun likes watching k-dramas with kyungsoo when he's bored, so i think that we have to be what we watch, 'cause that's pretty much all i have." 

chanyeol didn't hear word the boy said because he was staring at baekhyun the whole time, hearing that beautiful laugh of his again. he missed that when he was gone, he missed baekhyun's smile, his face, his personality, his voice, his beauty, his _everything._ that giggle, that _damn_ giggle was too hard to handle and now he feels like he might just pass out. the air is so heavy for him, so hard to swallow, because that irreplaceable smile on the man's face as he prepares bowls of ice cream for the three of them, their small family, is there and it's so blinding. it's so beautiful. it's so irresistible.

"okay," baekhyun's voice interrupts him from his daydream. "three bowls of vanilla ice cream. just as we ordered. come," the smaller boy tells him and leads him to the living room. baekhyun sits down on the couch, three bowls of ice cream miraculously balanced in his arms. he hands chanyeol two of them, gesturing for chanyeol to help yejun eat his. baekhyun watches with careful eyes, scrutinizing the younger's every move. "so, um, chanyeol, do you want me to tell him?" 

chanyeol looks at him, wide-eyed as if he hasn't expected for it to be so soon. but baekhyun really just needs the rest of the night to think, so it's best to get it over with now. "u-uh, yeah. sure." 

"yejun?" baekhyun says to his son. "you look at papa?" the little boy nods in response while sitting on chanyeol's lap, ice cream in his mouth as he stares curiously at his father. "you see him?" he points to the taller man, whom yejun is quite comfortably seated on. the toddler looks up, eyes trying to catch a glimpse of the man he's sitting on. "he's your dad. can you say dada?" 

there's things in life that never seemed so easy to chanyeol, like right now, as baekhyun is staring at their son and teaching how to say _dada_. that's a word he longed to hear from a child since the very beginning, quite possibly since his first wet dream about baekhyun-- but we don't talk about that. 

he never thought teaching a child something would be so powerful. sure, he missed yejun's first steps, his first words, his first cry, but he's at least witnessing his son recognizing him as his father right now. he's clueless still, and they'll probably have to tell the boy more than once that chanyeol is his father, but right now, this very moment is just fine. it's a memory that chanyeol is telling himself he will most definitely not forget, a memory he will cherish, and a family he will love. but they aren't really a family, they still have issues, but doesn't every family have its skeletons in the closet? aren't all of them dysfunctional in some way? it's a bit forward for chanyeol to be calling them a family already when they've felt spent any time together, but he can cross his fingers and hope that maybe it'll turn out that way. 

the words make chanyeol's mouth run dry, his tongue longing for more water as he watches the scene play out in front of him, like a scene from a heart-wrenching drama, one of the ones he cried over during training months, the days he missed baekhyun so much that he could just slap himself for his doings. those words have his awake, energized like the feeling he used to have of the blunt nails dragging down his back torturously, to feel every product of pleasure, and to think that all that love and satisfaction came to build something as beautiful as byun yejun himself. he's dada.

the little boy squints. "da?" 

"dada," baekhyun repeats, avoiding chanyeol's relentless gaze on him. "keep going." 

"d-dada? he's yejunnie's dada?" baekhyun nods, smiling at his son. 

"yeah," he whispers. "he's your dada." baekhyun looks up from the little boy to meet eyes with chanyeol. he sees the emotion behind those deep, dark, compassionate eyes of his, those glistening orbs that he could stare into like a snow-globe. he wishes that nothing ever happened two years ago, that chanyeol never left him to be on his own, alone with a being who deserves more than what baekhyun has to offer. "ahem, anyways, let's watch a movie, yeah?" 

he seats himself back down on the couch, remote in hand. and he switches it to some k-drama he knows that kyungsoo's been watching because yejun splutters to say the name of the female who popped up on the screen. meanwhile, baekhyun is lost in thought, knowing that chanyeol is also entranced by the drama, observing with watchful eyes. all while baekhyun is troubled. 

reality forces itself into his veins again, working it's way all throughout the living, walking, breathing thing he calls a body. reality forces him to remember kyungsoo's advice, kyungsoo's everything. because kyungsoo makes good decisions, but baekhyun doesn't. 

he thinks about all those years kyungsoo spent trying to keep him in line, taking responsibility for him and the things he does. he used to take the blame for baek, he used to be the punching bag instead of baek, and be the punching bag _for_ baek. kyungsoo is so much more than just a best friend. most teenage boys can't get their head out of the clouds, can't help but think with their dick, but kyungsoo was and is anything but that. he has responsibility, strength, patience, love, respect, and he's a man with a virtuous heart, no matter how threatening he may seem. if he could be the same size as his heart, he'd be twice the size of chanyeol, but unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and kyungsoo is just as short as baekhyun himself, possibly shorter. 

all kyungsoo ever wanted was for his best friend to be happy, to put away the past and to pursue the future, to carry on despite the heavy load weighing him down. all kyungsoo ever did it for was him, all for him, all for the selfish, stupid byun baekhyun himself, and all baekhyun did in return was get himself deeper into trouble, to fall into the endless pit that was infinite idiocy. all soo ever did for his was care, and baekhyun sees that now, he finally sees that. 

maybe soo is right. maybe baekhyun needs to escape his life and go on a date, be happy and find someone new, to leave behind the past in the form of a 185 centimeter giant with pretty eyes and stupidly messy hair and big ears, to leave behind his unwanted and unwelcoming thoughts, and to introduce himself to new and welcoming opportunities. all he can do to repay kyungsoo for his kindness is to at least try, to at least go on one date with a guy and see how it goes, and give it up if it doesn't work out, but keep going if it does. baekhyun has convinced himself that he's over park chanyeol, but kyungsoo needs to know that too, he needs the reassurance too. and baekhyun may just be able to get him that. 

baekhyun must try again. 

baekhyun must get out there. 

baekhyun has to do it. for soo and yejunnie.

and baekhyun has to do it for himself. 

by the time that music is playing and credits are rolling across the screen of the television, baekhyun is finally back, conscious again. he looks over and sees that both chanyeol and his son have fallen asleep, bowls of ice cream on the coffee table by them. he shakes his head with an internal laugh and gets up, taking all three of their bowls to the kitchen. and when he returns, he pulls yejun from chanyeol's grasp, peeling his big hands way from the boy. 

he quietly carries yejun to his room while cradling him. he lays him down gently, making sure his head is elevated, even though it's not anything to worry about at his age, really. he smiles down at the sleeping boy, admiring the sleeping face that reminds him of the now loudly snoring man in the room over. he spends a little more time there, observing the beauty that is his son. seeing every curve and line of the boy's face, every tousled strand of black hair, every small and peaceful rise of his chest. 

and with a small smile on his features, baekhyun kisses his son goodnight, his actual sun, the guide behind his happiness, his everything. his home-base, his safe-zone, his bubble of satisfaction. "goodnight," he whispers. the words blend into the dark room, simply just carbon dioxide escaping from baekhyun's mouth, nothing more than a sweet gesture that meant so much more because it came from the bottom of baekhyun's heart and soul. turning on the nightlight, he leaves the room. 

the giant that's sprawled over the chair he was initially sitting in correctly snores loudly, chest heavily rising and falling. one of his eyes is cracked open, something that baekhyun had to get used to when they started sleeping together because it was creepy, but then the younger told him that his doctor advised him to do so as his eyes are far too big, or as baekhyun put it, "pleasantly sized". so baekhyun stands and watches him for a while, noticing how he twitches every once in a while, gazing as he mumbles something in his state of sleep. his head thrown back in a seemingly comfortable position does not make him any less handsome of his hair falls in his face, giving him an immature look. 

chanyeol stirs, strange noises erupting from the volcano he calls a mouth and he shuffles, large body thrown into a sprawled being of tangled limbs and parts, some things on him looking out of place. only then does baekhyun realize how creepy it must that he's staring at the sleeping man, the snoring father of his son. 

baekhyun chuckles to himself before walking over to the couch, grabbing the blanket that's sits neatly folded atop the furniture, courtesy of soo, and he unfolds it, making sure it's big enough to cover to expanse of chanyeol's large, broad body. he figures the man is comfortable enough after sleeping on oh sehun's futon for almost a month and not complaining about it, so he doesn't move him. he simply tosses the blanket on chanyeol's body, making sure to cover every stray exposed patch of skin because the apartment can get a little chilly at night, not that baekhyun really cares about how chanyeol's sleeping, though. 

and with comfort on his mind, baekhyun makes his way to his own bedroom, crawling into bed without doing anything for his skin (he might curse himself the next day) and he falls asleep in his nice, comfortable, and warm bed. 


	12. Can Spongebob Feel the Gravity Too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been my favorite chapter since i posted it aff. i was actually super proud of my self because of it, which i never really am. hope you enjoy, please kindly ignore mistakes ❤

the more that baekhyun thinks about it, he realizes that it's not that easy anymore. seeing it everyday is heartwarming, it makes him feel good again, to see that bright smile on the child's face that he loves so, _so_ much. but life likes to play with baekhyun, likes to take him on roads with many twists and turns. he's stuck in a car going hundreds of miles an hour, a car with no reverse, and the wind is whipping through his hair, making it get all up in his eyes and his mouth. life likes to race without restraints, it doesn't care about speed limits and seatbelts, instead, it takes people on a phenomenal ride that can either go two different ways; right or wrong. you see, in the roads of life, there isn't a left or a right, there's no fixed direction, but there's two ways you must choose between in order to determine how you want to spend your life. for baekhyun, the start of that breathtaking ride was the day he moved to a new school and met the person who would change his life in ways he couldn't possibly dream of. it took him many places, both happy and saddening, but in the end, he found himself choosing between the fork in the road. he found himself choosing good, too. but good did not take him to good places. good left him heartbroken. 

the more that baekhyun visualizes it in his sleep, the more he subconsciously reminds himself of it during the quick cut of his lessened shifts at the diner, the more he realizes that it stings more and more everyday. he finds that his heart is throbbing every time the door closes and the man leaves him once again. it isn’t chanyeol's fault entirely, baekhyun was the one who told him that it's better for chanyeol to be sleeping at sehun's apartment instead of at his own and he made up some excuse about how it keeps yejun up wanting to see him. but that was a lie, actually, baekhyun did it for his own benefit, or maybe not, because he couldn't stand waking up and seeing that smile everyday from the man with perfect teeth, the one who made him crash and burn with the screeching tires that drove his shitty car out of town that one day. he did it so he didn't have to feel so empty anymore. because if he had to sit there and stare, watch his son and the boy's father playing together like nothing else mattered in the world for another day, he wouldn't last. he would submit to his fantasies, his desires, his love for the man who oh-so-ruthlessly left him with no goodbye. it hurts, it does, and the reason he doesn't want to submit to the satisfying feeling of love again is because he knows that life will take yet another turn and he'll end up on the wrong side of the road, running head-on towards a giant tractor trailer pummeling ahead with no stop, no warning, just ready to hit him and _wham,_ he'll be done for.

because life plays him like that. and it doesn't carry a single regret. 

even the thought of feeling the loneliness again makes him want to ball up the piece of bread in his hand from the anger, from the confusion, and from the hurt. 

he remembers the woman from a video he watched long ago, during his pregnancy, about how mothers have a special bond with their child. they feel each other, they need each other, unless, of course, their standings in their heart is replaced with another interest. it's not about jealousy, absolutely not. it's about the fact that baekhyun knows exactly what yejun will feel when the man walks out of his life, just like he walked out of baek's. baekhyun's relationship with his son will be severed, broken by the strings that were tied to another, just for those to be cut too. his son may be only a toddler, but people underestimate the emotions that a child feels. they don't understand that children are lost, confused, clueless. they watch what happens around them until it becomes normal and they begin to understand, they begin to get attached. but that attachment will do no good if the knot that was once tied so tightly comes loose, falling from its hold, both sides plummeting to the ground with the weight of emotions there to remind them of just how heartbreaking gravity can be. because gravity weighs us down, it's that gravitational pull that makes it hard to get back up when we fall, when we fall hard. it's that pull from the center of the earth that affects us in ways we could never imagine, in ways we don't want to imagine. ways that hurt us, remind us of the interminable burns deep, deep inside us. it's like trying to suck in air underwater, there is no air. you die. you crumble. you fall apart. 

baekhyun doesn't think it's fair. and it most definitely isn't. 

every time he hears that giggle, and that louder, violent laugh from the boy's father that follows, he can't help but feel the tears build up in his eyes that he knows will be shed soon. he can feel it coming. it's like an earthquake on a seismic radar, striking in the epicenter, tearing the world down with it. the tremors, the terror, the _pain._ it's all indescribable. he can't even begin to explain it. this is not being dramatic. because he is a parent. a good parent cares, loves, supports, and is proud of their child. they make sacrifices like no other, they give things up without a second thought in the pursuit of their child's happiness, they risk it all for them. it hurts for a parent to see their child hurting, to see them in tears over the smallest things. a good parent wishes they could destroy the step-stool their child fell off of, simply because it hurt them.

he loves yejun, with all of his heart. it's parental love, a love like no other, a love that puts happiness in the way of rationality and coherence, a love that makes people do crazy things for that one that owns their heart. baekhyun knows the extent of insane things that love will have you doing, of course, he's done them before. he sent sehun to seoul when it was released that park chanyeol himself was sm entertainment's newest rapper to tell the younger man that he was expecting, that they were going to have a child, but sehun was kicked out of the company building as soon as he explained why he was there to visit chanyeol. they told him to never come there again. maybe, just maybe, if the company hadn't interfered with any of their lives in that very moment, then they'd be happy. baekhyun would be a proud father and husband, chanyeol would be a rapper and still uphold the importance of his family, and yejun would be happy, yejun would have two parents, yejun would have the things that make him happy. not just a broken, yet recovering father, plus an astray idol as his other father, sewn together to fit under the title that is reserved for mature, responsible people only; his _parents._

maybe thinking about this wasn't the right thing to do while making sandwiches for the two people he's thinking about. it has him gripping the knife that spreads peanut butter onto the bread so hard that it could bend, it has him boiling over into a rush of disappointment, anger, and sadness. it has him filled with regret and loathing for himself. 

it has him hating his life. as usual. 

a sudden clattering sound tears baekhyun from his reverie. he soon realizes that he dropped the knife, that it's laying on the floor, ready to be picked up, just like his emotions and sanity. but as he leans down to pick it up, the reoccurring thought in his mind pops up, has him halting his movement. 

gravity is what made that knife fall to the floor. gravity is the infinite demise of things, endless power to bring us crumbling down like an old brick wall. baekhyun knows how hard gravity can hurt when you fall, figuratively and literally. because he once fell. he once fell too hard, once took a larger bite than he could chew. he was once overwhelmed with the feeling of beautiful emotions, happiness and excitement, love and compassion, lust and desire, but look where he ended up. he fell once, too, like that knife. but the pain that came along with the force of gravity was far more unbearable than anything he'd ever experienced before. gravity ruined him, made him plunge in deeper than he should've, so far that he was blinded by the pleasure that occurred with feeling loved, so much that he ignored that nagging question in the back of his mind. _what if it all ends?_

that thought never truly came to baek. it did, actually, but he ignored it. he avoided it, trying to forget it, but it always stayed there, reminding him everyday when he woke up that, _anything is possible. what makes you think that this won't ever end?_ and just like that, before his heart could beat, before his blood could circulate again, before his brain could comprehend things, before he could even blink, he was all alone. naked, in a bed, with no one there beside him. that taunting question was there to remind him that life doesn't play by the rules. it was there to remind him that things come to an end, euphoria ends, and there's no such thing as a happy ending for some people. people like him. 

gravity reminded him that whatever goes up must come down. 

and ever since that day, the day he found himself alone, he never forgot that question. in fact, he's waiting for the day to come that yejun decides to leave him, too. but this time, he'll be prepared. 

this time, it's him who's tearing himself away from his thoughts, it's not a random occurrence that snaps him out of those relentless daydreams that seem more like nightmares. it's him who smashes the mosquito before it can bite him, it's him who runs away before the curse can catch up to him, it's him who ends things before he can get too attached. it's him who settles the battle that’s happening in his mind before he does something out of the ordinary, before he messes up again. 

sighing, baekhyun leans down and picks up the butter-knife on the floor and pushes that thought back into its dark burrow filled with secrets and lies he wishes he could keep, feelings he wishes he could confess, feelings he must keep hidden in the shadows unless he aims for his own ruin. 

he's never been so gentle to a knife before as he sets it by the sink, reminding himself to wash it later. it needs a good cleanse, much like him, except that he can't get into the dishwasher like it can. the brunet saunters over to the drawer to grab another knife to continue making peanut butter sandwiches quickly because he knows he's spent far too long thinking already, and he grabs a new knife. a clean one. one who's reputation is as white as snow. one that carries nothing under its belt, that is, until he scoops up a big, sticky blob of the substance and spreads it across the piece of bread. it's his sandwich, both yejun's and chanyeol's being done during his extended period of thought. 

he picks up the plate with three separate sandwiches and begins heading towards the living room, feeling chanyeol's eyes on him. he knows that the younger has watched him all throughout the time he was standing there in the kitchen with unfocused eyes and grueling thoughts. he can tell by just how pleading chanyeol's gaze is, as if saying _tell me what's wrong,_ or _are you alright?_ but he doesn’t spare a glance towards the taller man as he sets the plate down on the coffee table and takes one, leaning back to feign being preoccupied with whatever's happening on tv. it's funny, almost comical, because what they're watching is actually chanyeol's favorite show, but he's distracted by baek and baekhyun couldn't be less repulsed to a show that tries to make inconspicuous dick jokes, but what else is to be expected from spongebob? 

"do you like yours?" baekhyun suddenly lets out, turning to chanyeol with curious eyes as his tone drips in liquid inquisition. 

chanyeol swallows. "like what?" 

the elder narrows his eyes. "the sandwich," he says. " _dumbass."_ and although the last word is mouthed, chanyeol can practically hear them. over the years, he's been called several things by the elder, some good, some bad, but one consistent thing that baekhyun has always called him--before and after he came back--was 'dumbass'. 

the taller hums in understanding, taking a bite of the sandwich. "i like it. it's good." _it's amazing,_ he wants to add, but can't. he can't push boundaries. he thinks that'll get on baek's nerves, and that’s the last thing he wants to do to someone who seems so small, yet defensive. soo’s trained him well.

"just good?" the smaller questions. "it's your favorite sandwich. you're lucky it's his, too," he says, rolling his eyes as he turns back to the television with a bit of a heavy heart. if he was being honest, he'd say that it hurt him a little. he hasn't quite treated chanyeol to all fairness since the younger walked back into his life. in fact, his goal was to make it like treading through waves, the water pushing at his knees until he fell. but chanyeol seems to be persistent through his tests, he seems to be a promising, trustable parent, but that seems to be what baek wants to believe. can chanyeol always be this dependable, though? 

they fall back into a silence, the only sounds being the brushing of yejun's washable markers over the rough surface of paper as he draws--or at least tries--in it on the coffee table and the faint noises of animated characters spouting off. chanyeol sits back, munching on his peanut butter sandwich as his eyes race over the screen to try and understand all the chaos, all the inevitable, yet amusing, bewilderment. he watches as spongebob and patrick do something insanely stupid, annoying squidward. he laughs to himself as he realizes that that's the way their life used to be, way before he went and messed it all up. he remembers being as mischievous as baekhyun, when they used to play around and annoy kyungsoo. baekhyun was spongebob and he was patrick, kyungsoo was squidward, and sehun was, most likely, mr. krabs. they were a pack, a pack of their own. they used to be so close, always around each other, even if soo hated them to a concerning extent. they used to run together, used to be stupid together, used to do everything together. but then he had to go and mess it up. just like everything else. 

chanyeol wishes he could turn back time, he wishes he could fix what he did. it was never his intention to hurt baekhyun, or anyone for that matter. but he had done it unconsciously, he had turned everyone against him with an action as simple as something selfish, something unreasonable. he was only looking out for himself in that moment, although he wanted much more from the opportunities that it gave him. he left, he auditioned, and he signed without a single thought about what was happening back home. little did he know that things wreaked havoc. he didn't know that his parents and his sister were panicked, a cloud of stress just ready to precipitate formed above them. baekhyun became sad, he became lonely, he became isolated, all while being pregnant and staying at lee taeyong's house. his friends thought he died, was wiped off the face of the earth with nothing left behind about him. 

the more he dwells on it, the more and more it begins to dawn on him that he made a mistake. or maybe he's the mistake. 

if only it were possible to erase the past and pursue a new future with the things we love, cherish, and pride ourselves on. if only things like that were real, genuine, believeable. but they're not. they live in a world where it's impossible. they can't just jump back and pretend that nothing happened. they have to face the past in this realm, they have to let themselves be carried away in the sea of hellish guilt. 

chanyeol knows that he deserves to feel guilty, that he deserves to feel his knees weak beneath him, struggling to hold up what dilemmas he carries. he knows he deserves much worse than this, actually. but for right now, this very moment, where baek is visibly displeased by spongebob and yejun looks so at peace while attempting at coloring, and he's just sitting here, admiring it all, it's all good. he actually doesn't mind the hate that baekhyun feels for him right now, he doesn't mind it one bit. because he feels at home right now. just being here as they're all minding their own business is enough for him. it enough to have him in tears, if only he hadn't been trained to hold them back for as long as he could.

if only his life hadn't been changed by the forces of the company, he could shed tears. except, the only thing is, they'd be happy tears. 

baekhyun is not impressed with 'spongebob', but he can't help but think that he used to be like that. he used to be annoyingly loud and rude at times, he used to have a million different personas before his brain decided to stick with one, the heartbroken one. he watches with a look of distaste, but he's actually watching the show intently, observing the characters and their unnecessary dialogue. he wonders if spongebob ever felt like he did. he knows that the thing on tv is not real, it's a character from the depths of someone's imagination, but he can't help but wonder if animated underwater sea creatures like him feel things too. can they feel heartbreak? can they feel complete and utter hatred? can they feel the wrath of endless melancholy overtake them, one layer at a time? do they ever feel like him? 

the answer, baek knows, is a no, but he can at least try to feel buoyant.

he continues to scrutinize every move, every damn thing about the stupid animated sea creatures, and he decides that it's, indeed, slightly entertaining. that doesn't make it appropriate and he'd rather not have his son watch this show because there's a fair amount of vulgarities, but he can at least find amusement in watching where creation can take people. it can take them many different places, to places of amusement and distraction, places of amazement and extraordinary disbelief, places of pleasure and satisfaction, places that no one has ever been before. creation took him many places, including parenthood. 

he's entertained. however, he's decided that now is a good time to stop watching. he's trying to not find himself hooked on something as unpalatable as 'spongebob squarepants' by tonight in hopes that his son will never be watching the show. 

"why do you even like this show?" he asks abruptly, drawing chanyeol's attention from the screen. baekhyun just wants to slap him and then wipe that stupid blob of peanut butter off the corner of his lips. 

chanyeol laughs. "you say that like you totally weren't watching it a moment ago," he teasingly retorts. 

"i wasn't!" the smaller denies. "i was just trying to see what you see in it. now i know that it's a load of crap in the shape of the television." 

baekhyun holds back a laugh as he sees that chanyeol gasps as if he's offended, placing one of his humongous hands on his chest. the smaller notices how tight the younger’s shirt is right then, but he decides that gawking is not the right thing to do to his ex-boyfriend, especially when he's sitting right behind his son. he also does it because he must withstand the urge to let the man back in, to let him penetrate his heart the way he used to. he must hold back, he most buckle down and resist. because chanyeol's like a drug that he was suddenly deprived of all those years ago, and now that he's back, what would he do if he never set boundaries? defy the restrictions that his brain advised he set? or break down the wall that his heart begs him to destroy, despite its knowledge that it will be broken again and again? 

"it was not!" the younger tells him. "it's art! i mean, think of the time it took to make it? years! and all those voices? don't you think that their throats would hurt after all that?!" chanyeol presses, and it seems like he's actually not joking around. 

"sure it is. i know art when i see it, and that's the farthest thing from it. that's a show that kids whose parents don't control them watch. it's a bad show!" 

"it is not," chanyeol persistently replies. "it is art. and my parents let me watch it as a child, but i don't know what the hell-- heck," he corrects when he catches baekhyun's glare. "that says about me. i'm pretty okay, i'd like to think." 

baekhyun's eyebrows furrow. the man's tone is unconfident, as if he's asking a question that needs immediate answering. he's tentative. baek can tell that he's asking him, because after all, the words were directed solely to him. 

"yeah, you're pretty good." baekhyun watches long enough to see the corner of chanyeol's mouth turn up at the answer, hearing baekhyun's hesitant voice. "what?" he asks, a brow raised. 

chanyeol shakes his head. "oh, nothing." but baekhyun can see past the words, he can see the withheld happiness, an internal celebration, but it almost concerns him. because what if he's giving chanyeol the wrong idea? what if the younger begins to think he wants to be with him again? what if, because of that remark, chanyeol expects something out of him that he cannot give? what if he thinks that he can get to baekhyun again? all of those are things that baekhyun does not want, stuff he can't do. 

"please change the channel," baek straightforwardly says, squaring his shoulders. he isn't about to let things get out of hand. "let's watch the news?" 

if he was honest, he'd say that he doesn't want to watch the news, but baekhyun doesn't have many other choices while also having a limited budget and other things that he prioritizes more than the television. plus, there's barely any more k-dramas that he and yejun haven't watched, so that's obviously out of the picture, considering how annoying it would be to endure watching the same thing over and over again. 

chanyeol, biting back a smile, fakes a sigh and reaches for the remote. he doesn't know where the news channel is so he just scrolls through until there's nothing left, and sure enough, he reaches the news channel. it's not his sister's, but the background is somewhat familiar to him. 

the news anchor is babbling off about some nonsense and he can tell that baekhyun isn't absorbed in the material presented to them either. in fact, he seems bored. but despite looking disinterested, he still looks as beautiful as chanyeol remembers. he still has that nice, clean skin and that neat, healthy hair that he's always been so envious of, knowing that his is anything but. his hair has always been a mess, and maybe, just maybe, the reason he always kept it a mess in high school was because he knew that baekhyun would have the impulse to fix it for him, to run his nimble, feminine fingers through it and make it look better. and he might've just kept it that way since forever because he hopes that, one day, baekhyun might come along and make him look more princely, more gentlemanly. he's not that way and he's never been that way, but he'd do anything just to see baekhyun's eyes roll when he spots the bird's nest on top of his head and to just feel his hands on him again. it doesn't even have to be in a provocative fashion, it doesn't have to be sexual, baek could just be there and chanyeol would have his eyes on him. 

he sees the elder resting in complete tranquility as yejun just colors away, ignoring his surroundings. that seems like a trait that kyungsoo might've inflicted upon him, a tiny demon that kyungsoo might've crafted with his small hands. chanyeol knows that baekhyun sees the chanyeol in yejun, but the younger can't help but spot the elder in the child. he's seen his sassy side, the one that does not abide by the rules, but instead, makes them. he's seen the child that can talk for hours and hours because that's a trait that both he and baek share, something they bonded over. and he sees a puppy-like look on the boy sometimes, a vulnerable look. and when baekhyun gets mad, it's the look of a kicked puppy. he sees the most of baekhyun in the child, but he can see himself in yejun, too. he doesn't like the way he looks all that much, he spent a lot of time tearing himself down about his appearance, but finally gave up when his manager just said to suck it up. the man gave him no sympathy, but chanyeol knows that even if there were sympathy, it would be fabricated. 

looking up from the boy who's sitting peacefully on the floor, scribbling away with his crayons and markers and pencils and anything under the sun, chanyeol spots the elder standing up from his seat. "what the _hell?"_

"what?" chanyeol asks, gaze following baekhyun's to where it rests on the television, and that's where he sees it. 

_'park chanyeol's gay scandal isn't denied'_

_oh, shit._

the words feel stuck on his tongue, like his mouth has been sewn shut and can't function properly. he feels tongue-tied, his knees feel weak, his head's spinning. wasn't it over? didn't the company fix this? he's their idol, after all, and it's their responsibility to protect him and keep him away from shit like this. 

the media's ruined many people before him, many rappers, singers, actors. too many to count. and it looks like he's the media's next target, even though he was just a few weeks ago. lives have also been ruined by the media, people thrown in jail for nonsensical reasons, fired for nothing. relationships have fallen apart because of things like this. and it seems that life is delivering the package that got lost along the way when he came here. 

here's the thing, chanyeol though that baekhyun already knew about the scandal. he thought he already knew about the crap that their stupid reporters got him in. but the look in the elder's face as he watches the television with gritted teeth makes him think otherwise. he can see the anger seeping through that wall. there's so much pressure and everything's getting ready to burst, to explode, to cause more and more problems. 

because these are the kinds of things that life does to assholes like himself. 

"what the f-- what is that about?!" baekhyun whisper-shouts, restraining from screaming right there, refraining from alarming his son. "what did you do?" his eyes are red and chanyeol can see that tears are coming. he hopes that he's not here to see them fall again. 

"baek, let me explain--"

"what's to explain?! you're not trustworthy! a gay scandal?! i guess you've been taking every man in seoul to bed, huh? you let them touch you the way nobody should!" he seethes. his words have chanyeol's jaw clenched, upset as well. he's angry at himself, angry at the news, and angry at that. he's always known baek to make assumptions, but he'd never guess that baekhyun would do it to him of all people. he'd never guess that baek would actually listen to the seoul news. huh, no wonder that was so familiar. 

"no," he whispers, controlling himself so that the words he wants to shout so loudly don't escape. "i did not. do you actually believe this, baek? that i would do that? i'm not that bad of a man to you! not one to make myself look like a man-whore!"

"i don't know who you are anymore, park," baek spits. it has chanyeol's heart racing. "and maybe i don't want to know who you are now. i never will." 

chanyeol's fists clench at his sides and he notices that in his peripheral vision, yejun is watching them with worried eyes. he knuckles are turning white, like they're clutching the rope that brings baekhyun back to him so tightly, but it burns his hands, it stings them, blisters them. the pain is so intolerable that he finds himself letting go, slowly, letting those restraints hit the ground. it's like he can hear them thump against the floor as he sucks in a breath and decides not to push things further. he's upset baek enough tonight and maybe the elder just needs some time to cool off, to blow off some steam. 

with a final breath, he looks baekhyun in the eyes before moving past him and over to the door, toeing on his shoes as he feels his shoulders ache with stress. he's tired, he's exhausted. he just wants to have a night of peace. and despite there being quite possibly the most annoyingly spoilt dog in the world at sehun's apartment, he thinks that he might just get a better sleep there than anywhere else. 

he opens the door, ready to walk right out again, but he stops. 

"take a warm bath tonight, baek," he says, loud enough for the elder to hear. he feels eyes on his back. "it always helps you deal with stress." then he leaves. 

and for the second time that night, baek realizes that whatever goes up must come down. 


	13. Stories We Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for an mistakes ❤

it's at times like these, when he's waiting, that chanyeol hates himself the most. it's at times like these that he's actually absorbed in his thoughts. he's thinking about everything, he's waiting. he's sitting there at the table everyday, counting as the slow units of time tick by. he has to be patient until baekhyun finally decides to pick up the phone and call him, not that he actually expects that to happen. in fact, he doesn't expect to hear anything at all.

time goes by slower than it should.

a week walks by with baby steps, nothing to ponder on other than what he's done and what he'll do; seven days check off on the calendar like centuries, slow, miserable, wretched; 168 hours linger in the back of his mind, the constant reminder that he must clear things up, he must clean up the mess he made; 10,080 minutes slow down as he can only stare at his computer screen, email after email sent to his company to issue a statement about the rumors; 604,800 seconds spent regretting every action he’s ever taken, bemoaning the words that once left his mouth with no filter, lament for everything. he regrets everything except a night with baekhyun that left the older man with the sweetest little person in the world. but there are times he wishes he could change the circumstances. 

he only stares at the typing bar as if it's begging him to write something, calling for him to do what he does best; distract himself. but he doesn't feel like writing lyrics. he doesn't feel like spending so much damn time doing things he knows his company will never approve of. they'd never let him produce songs about heartbreak as jarring as his own, they'd never even care, though. the company expressed their disinterest long ago, when chanyeol was a trainee. it began when he would mope and write songs based off of how he felt. he used to think he felt bad, but now he knows that the pain he felt during that time must be what baekhyun feels everyday as he watches the little boy get bigger and taller, stronger and older, more mature and less interested in him. that must be what baekhyun feels as he watches his life play out like a film in an old-timey theatre, black and white as the memories wash over like a developing photograph, the tears rolling down his cheeks like a waterfall. 

chanyeol used to dream of growing old with baekhyun. he used to dream of what their children would look like and now that he knows what their child looks like, he doesn't know what to do with the thought anymore. he remembers watching the boy as he fell asleep with a bead of sweat trailing down his brow after they finished doing some unholy things, he remembers visualizing how beautiful baekhyun would look with a child in his arms. he's got that now, too, and he can say that there's nothing so alluring to him as that sight, despite it also being so heartbreaking at the same time. 

he still wants to know what it would be like to see baekhyun walk down the aisle, clad in a freshly pressed white suit, suede shoes with silly socks underneath covered by the shoes and pant legs, a bouquet of perfect red roses and a silk ribbon to tie them together, to see his hair as neatly styled as always, and he'd do just anything to see a smile that reaches his eyes again, to see them glossed over with tears, tears that chanyeol would wipe, and to see them glitter in the reflection of the fairy lights baekhyun once told him he wants at his wedding. he'd do anything just to feel his hands on baekhyun's waist again, just to feel those pretty hands grab his shoulders, to be pressed chest to chest again. he realized a long time ago that he could've had this, that this dream could've been reality. but chanyeol is chanyeol and he's entitled to making all the shit happen, and that's what he's done his whole life. 

the world slows down every time he's faced with the thought that baekhyun still might be thinking he bedded every man and woman in seoul. it's quite ironic, actually, because chanyeol hasn't slept with anyone since the night before he left town. he's had his urges, his cravings to feel somebody's (more specifically, baekhyun's) touches on his body, but he's always taken care of it himself. he was still faithful to baekhyun when he was in the city, he never stopped being faithful to baekhyun. but he betrayed byun baekhyun, and that's his fault and only his fault. now he must learn to live with the consequences. 

he's desperate to hear those words again, to see the fans saying his name, to be blinded by the lights of a stadium, to be performing his songs because it's his passion. he's just wants to hear it again like the echo in the back of his skull, _chanyeol, chanyeol, chanyeol, chanyeol, chanyeol,_ but those words soon turned into a mantra of something else, breathless begging, passionate gasps, angry red scratches littering the expanse of his broad back like a piece of art. these chants were also ones he'd kill to hear, to _see_ leave his mouth again as his eyes are squeezed shut and his head's thrown back, his arms encircling his neck and waist as if it will save his life from the dominating sensation of sexual release, _c-chanyeol, ah, c-chanyeol, c-chanyeol!_ it wasn't quite the same as the different reverberating sounds in his mind, but he knows that he wants to hear both so _damn_ badly. 

he bitterly laughs as he realizes he's yet again faced with the worst question that anyone would ever have to answer: fans, money, fame, or love, family, and boyfriend?

except baekhyun's not his boyfriend anymore, so it's rather; fans, money, fame, or love, family, and carrier of his child? 

chanyeol, at this point, has determined that life is complete and utter shit. there's nothing to love about life when you make enough mistakes to mess everything up for yourself and everyone else in your life. 

he can only think about how disappointed his parents and yoora are by him, how much they must hate him. he ruined everything after all. they wanted him to live in the small, contained town with nothing but a few actual worthwhile opportunities, they wanted him to be the orthodox son they always wanted, they wanted him to be their pride and joy, but he wasn't any of those. he left town and everything else behind, he had premarital sex and impregnated his first love and only love, and he was everything they despised in a man, in a son. he could only think about how many other countless things he's countered out of their beliefs. 

after all, he's their failure of a son. 

the longer and longer he trained, the more and more he realized that success is not just about career and financial status, it's not just about status quo and social hierarchy, but about being happy in the end. and he was most definitely not happy in seoul, unless he was standing on that stage he loves so much, doing what he wishes he could do every minute of the day, but he knows he can't have both, he must choose. 

the days in seoul went by as slowly as they went by this week, lengthened and tiring, and he can only suffer. he's already given up on getting through these things because he knows that no matter how many layers on makeup the stylists cake on his face, they'll never be able to remove years of tear stains and eye bags; that no matter how many beers he downs, they'll never be able to erase the images of the life he wishes he could have from his memory; that no matter how much time goes by and no matter how wide the distance between them was, the tragic and fatal tattoos on his body of where he made the worst mistake and hurt the best person will never go away and will be etched into his skin forever. until the end. 

however, nothing could hurt worse than watching the rain pour down on the two people you've come to love the most and being too afraid to do anything about it. 

chanyeol's heart sinks as he sees baekhyun holding the boy close to his body as the rain pummels down on them. his umbrella that's seemingly dysfunctional, refusing to deploy serves no purpose. chanyeol's had that happen before and he knows that it's the very worst. he wishes he could do something, to bring the two into the apartment and to warm them up. he would give up his pride right now if he knew that baekhyun would give up his, but that's not possible. 

"what are you staring at?" sehun says as he emerges from his room. "nothing can be that interesting about rain." 

chanyeol exhales. it's a breath he's been holding in for too long, a breath he needed an ice-breaker to release. "what would you know about the importance of the rain? you only spend time in your room and at the garage, do you ever see the rain?" 

the younger chuckles as he puts some dishes in the sink, the clanking of platters together is a sound he's rather unfond of. "i saw plenty of it when you were gone," the younger retaliates. "i spent a lot of time over at baekhyun's house. well, more at lee taeyong's house. it was only a little while ago that baekhyun moved into the apartment he has now." 

chanyeol closes his eyes in guilt as he watches his ex-lover and his son boarding the bus, soaked from head to toe in precipitation. he could've helped them, he really could've, but he didn't. because he's too much of a pussy to face the wrath of byun baekhyun's prideful and presumptuous attitude. 

sighing, chanyeol turns away from the window, walking with heavy steps over to the table he sat at for basically the whole week. "why'd he live at taeyong's?" he asks, although he isn't that interested. he doesn't remember taeyong all that much, but he can remember that was better at getting to baekhyun like he never could. he and kyungsoo had some kind of psychological talent they could use on baekhyun to get whatever shit is stored up there in his mind. he remembers resenting the two for knowing things he never knew. 

the younger sits across from him, pale hands folded into what chanyeol would describe as a ball. he sighs. "got kicked out." 

chanyeol feels out of breath for a hot minute, the revelation sending a bunch of different reactions he's never experienced before. he didn't know that baekhyun got kicked out. all this time he's been thinking that baekhyun is still associated with his family, but now that he thinks about it, he's sure that a child would be the reason they would send him out into the world with a child and no other to protect him. "what the _hell?"_

sehun looks at him inquisitively. "what?" he nonchalantly replies. "you didn't know?" 

"of course i didn't know!" chanyeol exclaims. "what even happened while i was gone?!" 

sehun sighs. "well," he begins. "baekhyun called me the day after you left. he was crying, all that shit. and me, being the person i am, didn't know how to consult him. soo was the only one he wanted to see when you left. but after a month of never leaving his house and his parents making a big deal out of it, he got sick. we all thought it was the flu or something, i don't know, he was throwing up and crying over ridiculous things, even had those weird cravings that pregnant people have. it was awful." 

"wait," the elder cuts in. "you mean to tell me that you thought he was sick and you all didn't do anything about it?" 

the younger narrows his eyes at chanyeol, sharp with emotion. "where were you, huh? certainly not here. you didn't see what i saw. i've never seen someone so in love hurt so much," he says. 

chanyeol clears his throat. "touché." 

sehun grins. "exactly. anyways, it wasn't until kyungsoo finally had enough of dealing with ill, heartbroken baekhyun and took him to the doctor against his will. baekhyun already knew, of course, he'd taken a pregnancy test at his parents' house, so he resisted. it was the whole reason his parents kicked him out." the younger settles his shoulders back in the seat, getting comfortable, so chanyeol assumes this is a lengthy anecdote. "and they found out he was pregnant. five weeks, yeol, five weeks. he cried harder than i'd ever seen him cry. he sobbed about how it was his fate to suffer and live inadequately. they were going to hide it from his parents, thinking they didn't know from the start, but you know how they are; they're always one step ahead of us. they knew before we did." 

"how'd they find out?" chanyeol asks, genuinely curious. 

sehun bitterly laughs. "just like always," he replies. "they know people. everyone in this town knows his parents. they have since the moment he moved here. the doctor called them because she knew baekhyun was underage and most likely didn't have the consent of his parents. this town can't keep a secret for the life of them."

chanyeol swallows. "the whole town knew?"

"yep, but before the whole town knew, he was kicked out. they told him they didn't want a grandchild while they were so young. they told him to find a job and man who'll take care of him and to never come to them ever again. i swear, yeol, there was one time i almost slapped his mother." 

a silence passes, chanyeol taking the time to absorb the information. he doesn't know how the woman he used to think he knew so well, baekhyun's mother, would do such a thing. it was true that the two were always ahead of everyone else, they knew stuff they probably shouldn't, but he never expected her to do such things. baekhyun's father, however, never liked him. mr. byun wasn't the best person, let alone best parent, but he cared about his son in his own way. work was his main focus, he never really tended to baekhyun, but it was never anticipated that he would throw his pregnant, heartbroken son on the street. all because of chanyeol. 

it isn't long before sehun continues, "but kai picked him up one night and dropped him off at taeyong's, knowing that taeyong was a trusted acquaintance since soo wasn't in town that day. he shut himself off after that. we wouldn't see him for weeks since taeyong's mother let him have the guest room and understood his situation. god bless her.

"he was in there for two weeks until he finally decided to come out, and you know what he said? he said that he's getting an abortion. a whole-ass abortion. we all tried to convince him not to, but he was set on it. he only settled a yes for when taeyong suggested that he at least got an ultrasound. and soon enough, he went to the doctor and got an ultrasound and came back crying and saying that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't give his baby up.

"it happened to taeyong a few months later. jaehyun knocked him up. they were both pregnant at the same time and they became even closer than we thought. but the day i sat in the hospital and heard the cries of baekhyun in the back as rain poured down was both the best and worst day of my life." 

"why?" 

"it was the best because i love yejun, even though he isn't my son. baek and i are platonic, we've always been that way, but the day that kid was born was like the day the sun started shining again and our lives weren't all doom and gloom anymore," sehun answers, voice more passionate than in any conversation the elder has had with him in awhile. "but the miserable part was having to hear him screaming and crying because of the pain, yeol. yejun almost suffered a lot too, it could've been worse, but i think that baekhyun's crying for you made it worse. soo sat with him in the room and held his hand, but he only wanted you. it was awful, hyung. i'd never seen or heard anything so horrendous before." the younger clears his throat before he lets out a sign of weakness, a cry. he remembers the day, quite vividly, the day his nephew was brought into the world, but he was so feared by his father that baekhyun refused to look at him because of the depression, the anxiety, the self-deprecation. it's only a been a year-and-a-half since that day, but baekhyun was in so much pain without the only person who could numb his pain with him.

"the postpartum depression set in after that and he isolated himself again. he still cared for yejun, though, just not like a father should. things got better a few weeks after that, after a few weeks in the hospital and with baek meeting with a therapist to help get over birthing trauma. the day he first held yejun like a real parent was the day he finally swore that he would be better. and better he got. he moved out of taeyong's house a year ago and voila, that's all." 

that's quite the story. a story he's glad he knows now. 

now he must reach out to baekhyun, must pull him out of the cycle of distrust again. he must show him that he's interested in their lives. he wants to see pictures, hear stories, to be filled in on the little details. after all, yejun is a mere child, a toddler, and he won't quite remember things that happened before he turned three, so this is chanyeol's chance to worm his way back into their lives, as annoying as it sounds. this is his chance to be yejun's father, now that he knows what baek experienced when he left. he needs to get baekhyun's perspective, though, and that might be a little difficult, but he wants to be in their lives. most definitely. he wants to be a father. he wants to grow old with byun baekhyun and their son, byun yejun. 


	14. Incredible Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any mistakes ❤

as if what chanyeol does isn't stupid enough already, he can always do something even stupid-er. he can always ruin what was not ruined before he ruined it the first time again, so don't think that there's nothing that can go wrong about staring at the faint stains of water damage on sehun's ceiling like he's got nothing better to do than think back on the way things used to be. there’s always the opportunity to mess things up lingering in the air.

their first fight rings a bell in chanyeol's mind. he remembers it like it was yesterday because of the whole petty conflict that started a monster of a first fight. it was sophomore year when it happened and it happened all because of some date. it was a few weeks before the winter solstice and no one, and he means no one, was more excited about the dance than baekhyun was. however, baekhyun was less excited when chanyeol got asked out. by a girl. he didn't say yes, nor did he say no, and he was really, really surprised so he wasn't answering, and then a tiny demon of jealously named byun baekhyun walked into the whole situation. it was the pettiest scene that chanyeol has ever sat through, and it lasted until the night of the solstice and baekhyun finally dropped his sense of pride and they went together. in short, the night was enjoyable, but chanyeol could never shake that feeling of being terrified at just how crudely envious baekhyun could be when they were supposed to be platonic.

their second fight occurred not long after that, in junior year, when chanyeol met baekhyun's parents for the first time. just like sehun had said, the couple was nosy and had trouble minding their own business about things that chanyeol would rather not share. his mother was nice, of course, a little friendlier than one would expect, but she never did anything to upset him. baekhyun's father, however, was a different story. the man was flat-out rude and discourteous, muttering under his breath incoherently. it was that way for a while and chanyeol wondered what the man saying, until chanyeol heard the words "nerd" and "not for my son". he never considered himself a nerd because he wasn't the best in school and his passion was music rather than academics, but that really pissed him off. he didn't talk for the rest of the dinner until it was time for him to leave the house, which he hurriedly did. baekhyun stormed after him, a little upset, and he explained to the shorter that his father's halfway-unintelligible malicious comments had bothered him. the elder denied, saying his father wouldn't do such a thing, and they ended the night with a gruff _i'll see you on monday at school_ before chanyeol walked off, tall and tense like a walking yardstick. it took the whole weekend for them to make up after baekhyun's father told baek about his "feelings" about chanyeol and baekhyun then apologized. but things were never the same after knowing how baekhyun's family felt so lowly of him.

their third, and biggest, fight happened when chanyeol was late to their date, like _really_ late. they had planned it for a while since it was going to be their first date in a long time and it was at baekhyun’s favorite place; the cherry blossom tree in the park. he had set up a whole picnic and prepared essentials for them to be comfortable around each other, it was like a dream date. chanyeol was working that day, actually on something for baekhyun. his senior year glow-up was something that ingrained an insane boost of confidence in him, so he purchased a promise ring. he bought the ring and he wrote a song, a song composed for baekhyun and baekhyun only, that he would perform for the aforementioned that very night. but he was so passionate while writing these lyrics that he stayed up all night the day before, looking over the lyrics and composing a sweet guitar melody to play with it, and he fell asleep and missed school. he didn’t wake up until seven o’clock that evening, thirty minutes past his meeting time with baekhyun. he panicked and rushed to where they were going to have their date, just to find a teary-eyed baekhyun under the blossom tree, practically swallowing a sandwich whole. he tried to apologize to baekhyun, he really did, but the elder male was not one to lose and he never gave in.

chanyeol went home alone that night, the promise ring still in his pocket and the song staying unsung with his guitar still secured in its case. he put the ring down in the deepest drawer of his dresser for another time when things would turn out alright, and the song still sits there, too, just waiting to be released for someone as amazing as baekhyun to hear because every word, every damn word, is about him. he never recalls getting it out. it still sits there, he hopes, dust collecting in the engravings of baekhyun’s name. three weeks passed by before he gets a text from baekhyun, telling him to meet him in the gym. he was skeptical about it at first, but then went because he loved baekhyun so much. indescribably so. he lied to baekhyun, though, he never told baek the truth about the ring and the song, he made up some dumb excuse about not being able to sleep the night before and baekhyun accepted it like he always did in the end. they got over it, but the idea of a gift he spent so much time and effort on, just for it to be excluded and shoved in the closet like it never existed continues to haunt chanyeol to this very day.

they had many more fights, and they’re probably fated to another one soon because that’s the way they are. they’re so problematic, so argumentative, they always have to be right, and that’s not how relationships work so it’s better that they’re only acquaintances at this point. they cannot have a breach of limitations. that’s just the way life is.

their relationship was never easy and probably will never be easy, no matter how much it morphs into something else. it will turn into something so entrancing on the outside, but so corrupted on the inside. that’s really the way these two are, that’s how they function. they live this way and they never show their demons, only what’s pretty and shiny and attractive.

if chanyeol could do anything to get baekhyun back on his side, it would be so good. but he can’t, he really can’t, because his life places heavy chains on him that tell he can’t do it because it’ll hurt his career, it’ll damage a perfect piece of fragile glass, shattering it into a million shards for him to step on and suffer from. there’s so many things he could do if only he wasn’t who he was, if only people in this town didn’t know him like they know him, or at least knew him. they really could tell anyone at any second, but they haven’t. why is that? why hasn’t he received a phone call from his manager yet? about not being discreet enough, that’s what it would be about. and he would be yelled at for a whole damn hour about how he had one job and he can’t even do it, how much of a failure he is outside of the music industry. but don’t worry, he’s all too used to it.

he finds himself in a ditch again with only two ways to get out and people he loves are going to get hurt either way. there’s no easy way, he’s discovered, there’s no simple way to do things, but he wishes there was. everything seems so complicated and he can only sit and watch as his life burns down, angry and red with flames. his decisions are more than he thinks they are, they’re too intricate and perplexing for his mind. he can’t seem to comprehend it at all because he’s so clueless and lost in a world where the slightest mistake can cost him the most important of things. he stuck, as stuck as always, and he’s always hurting people. why can’t he just stop? why can’t he just stop having something to always ruin? why must he always be there to make one decision that will most him so much? it’s always him and it’s really unfair. everyone else has their happy lives, while he doesn’t. kyungsoo and kai are obviously overjoyed all the time with taeoh; sehun is never disappointed while watching his crush ascend across a field while kicking a ball and looking hot doing it; even one of his trainers from the company, junmyeon, the only one who was more kind to him than anyone’s he’s ever met, is happy with his husband yixing, a popular celebrity in china; and baekhyun has yejun, but chanyeol doesn’t have either of them. and it’s all his fault. everything is his fault, why can’t he just stop?

before he knows it, tears are prickling at his eyes, sending sharp pains from just staring. tears roll down his cheeks, soaking his face in the substance that has become unfamiliar. he never knew that he would become unfamiliar with the feeling of salty tears on his face, it’s not really something that people think about too often, but he did become that way. he did lose the common feeling of his eyes watering, of sobbing himself to death. maybe it’s this way because he couldn’t be himself for so long, he couldn’t cry. he wasn’t allowed to cry. now he can only let out feelings he concealed for so long, feelings no one ever knew about. he doesn’t like crying because he hasn’t done it in a while, excluding when he and baekhyun decided that chanyeol would be there to provide for them and for that reason only. not because baekhyun loves him anymore. he never will, not ever again. not after what chanyeol caused him to endure alone.

the things he would do just to be able to tell baekhyun he loves him and to hear it back are indescribable. he misses it so much. he wants to hear baekhyun talk to him again like a normal person talks to someone else. he wants to see baekhyun smile again like he used to when chanyeol would give him a piggyback ride to school. he wants to hear baekhyun’s laugh in his ears as the elder gets told a joke, one that’s not even funny because those are the ones he laughs at the most. he wants to hold baekhyun like he used to and to be able to kiss him like he used to, to pull him further and further down like a magnet does to metal until he falls for good. he just wants to be with baekhyun again. but he can’t be. and whose fault is that? his.

can’t he do something about it?

chanyeol’s quick to stand up, taking the collar of his shirt to wipe the salty droplets off his face and to wipe his nose just in case his nose started running. he decides that moping is never the answer, it isn’t ever done him good. not even when he was sitting in that practice room two years ago, being told he was fit to debut as soon as possible. it was a little strange for a kid as young as him to debut with such little training, but it turned out that they didn’t care about what was normal or not. they told he had real talent and that he should use it, but had that been the best idea? he could’ve been something more than a rapper if he had just stayed. he could’ve still been a boyfriend, then a fiancé, a husband, and most importantly, he could’ve been the father of yejun, that father that stuck around. he could’ve done what was right.

💎

why?

why did things have to hurt so much, even though he thinks he doesn't feel the same way about chanyeol anymore?

baekhyun’s heart has decided to betray him again and it’s only for the thought of not seeing chanyeol for a week. he seriously wondered if the younger had done exactly as the news had said he had. he wondered why the news had to get involved with crap about celebrities and not actual real-world conflicts. that’s what the news are for, after all. so why did they have to spoil his happiness? his son’s happiness? why did the world have to be such a bitch?

his son has been asking him where “giant dada” has been all week and the only thing he can tell the boy is that his father is busy, not that he told him to go. he had to lie to him and say it was work when it was really baekhyun’s heart being broken into fragments again. had chanyeol really been involved in a gay scandal? had he really done what he promised to do only with baekhyun? then again, he broke his promise to baekhyun about always being there for him, so why wouldn’t he break this one? _well_ , baekhyun guesses, _i don’t want anything to do with him now anyways_. but that was a lie, too. he wants more memories with chanyeol and his son. he wants to see the dimples in yejun’s cheeks when chanyeol smiles at him and he reflects it like it’s in a mirror. all the while baekhyun’s stuck staring through a nonexistent barrier that can shatter at any moment like glass. it’s almost like that’s reality. one more part of his heart being broken is one last life he loses in the virtual game that’s more like reality. now you wonder why he hates facing reality so much? now you wonder why he dislikes seeing what the world has come to when he wakes up from his dreams? because his reality is chanyeol and only chanyeol can tear him apart anymore.

there’s some times where he wishes he could go back to high school and be there with chanyeol, to see the giant being a freaking idiot. he wishes he could rewind to when he and chanyeol used to walk to school together everyday, walk back home everyday, and be together every single damn hour they could when their parents weren’t telling them to do something else. he wishes he could be back in chanyeol’s arms again, but only when they provided the comfort he needs.

baekhyun thinks back to when he was at the bus stop yesterday, waiting with the rain pelting down on them. his umbrella refused to disengage and that caused him to be standing there on the street across from sehun’s apartment, where chanyeol is staying. he could’ve swore he saw the giant looking out the window, looking down at him as the rain gave him no sympathy and he had to hold his child to his chest to keep him from getting sick by the cold drops of precipitation. he felt his heart ache slightly because he thought that chanyeol would be the kind to help, be the kind who would rush down and assist others when he knows they need it. but chanyeol didn’t help him. why? probably because baekhyun wouldn’t have let the younger man assist him anyways. that’s just how they are. they’re so passive around each other like the past is going to bite them in the ass if they try to make up, to fix things. since life always comes back to biting baekhyun’s ass, it would be no surprise if it were to happen again because, no matter what baek does, he can’t seem to just let things fall into place. life is a cruelly rogue. it does what it wants and it always has the universe on its side.

“hey, yejunnie,” he says when his eyes catch the toddler standing right beside him as he makes the boy a snack. “you okay?” the boy nods, a bit of a pout on his face. “are you sure? you seem sad.” he crouches down to the boy’s height and brushes away some stray hairs falling down into the boy’s eyes.

“giant dada?” is all the boy has to say to give baekhyun an idea of what he’s sulking about. tentative, baekhyun shakes his head at the boy, watching as his pout grows sadder and sadder until it’s nothing less than a frown. that’s what baekhyun hates about telling the child no because yejun has such a big heart and it’s hard to watch it sink like it’s actually resting on his sleeve.

“no, baby,” he replies. “i’m sorry. maybe he’ll come around again one day.”

baekhyun can call him. he has chanyeol’s new phone number and everything, but he doesn’t want to call the younger. this gives him a view of just how bad their communication skills are, how bad it can reflect on their family and yejun specifically. maybe that’s why chanyeol left in the first place; because they didn’t communicate and the younger had to pretend like everything was alright, like he had no dreams. chanyeol had to keep his dreams a secret. no one could ever know because that would ruin his plan to pick up and leave the whole place behind for a dream too high for all their standards, for a dream too big for a small town, for a dream too much to handle alongside baekhyun.

“w-why? where is giant dada?”

baekhyun laughed slightly, but it stopped when he saw tears in the boy’s eyes. “yejunnie...i don’t know,” he lies, but technically not because he doesn’t know where exactly chanyeol could be at any time. he has his own life, after all. “but hey, cheer up! you and i can do things we like to do, yeah? we can play those games you like and do a little coloring, okay?”

slowly, the boy sighs and nods. “okay, papa.”

“yeah?” yejun nods and baekhyun smiles lightly, picking the boy up to rest him on the side of his hip. he continues cutting pieces of fruit into tiny stars with one hand while the other is clutching the child to his side. “giant dada is going to come around some day, i promise.” he hopes he can keep that promise.

for a brief moment, he cannot believe he ever thought of putting the child up for adoption, much less getting rid of the innocent being as a whole, and he scolds his past self for even bringing up the idea. he chides himself for even rejecting the child, even if it were for just a week and he was under hospital care with people who would dedicate their entire being to preserve a bright future for the child, while baekhyun was only crying for the one person he was convinced would be gone from his life forever and ever. he once decided that it was a good thing that chanyeol was gone, doing his own thing while baek got to see the most precious smile in the world, but now he’s not so convinced that that wasn't a good thing. he believes so even more as he watches the beautifully flourishing flower they planted together begin to wither with mourning ofthe unanticipated loss, along with baekhyun’s hope for the future.

it’s been a while since he last thought about the same horrible decision he made two years ago, when he was sure that it wasn’t bad. _it isn’t bad, it isn’t bad, it isn’t bad_ , is what he kept telling himself until he became certain that it was true. he remembers lying in that same bed in lee taeyong’s house, having constant knocks on the door, but no one came in because he knew they feared what they might say or do that might get him worked up. it was a debilitating thought that ran through his head one lonely night and he was completely persuaded that that was what he wanted—no, _needed_ to do.

the day finally came that he told the others and they all stared at him with eyes wider than kyungsoo’s on a regular day. they even tried to tell him there’s other options, but he never listened. he cried from the inside as they told him, _baekhyun, don’t do this, you might regret it._ he didn’t think he would. two years later, he regrets even going to the clinic more than anything he’s ever done before. he almost made the mistake of a lifetime and decimated an entire individual life will doing so. he’s glad he didn’t.

the moment he saw the small movement on the ultrasound machine was the moment he decided he couldn’t do it. he just couldn’t. why? because his son had never done anything wrong. he was an innocent, pure fetus just trying remain alive in baekhyun’s stomach. he’d never wronged anyone, he’d never crossed anyone, he was just _there_ , inside baekhyun. he recalls telling the doctor to stop the moment the man slipped on his gloves with an immorally bland expression like it was perfectly fine that he was doing what he was doing. he recalls rushing out of there with soo stuck behind in the waiting room, apologizing to the desk lady before rushing off after baekhyun with a relived sigh.

no matter how much he believed yejun was innocent, however, the day of delivery was the worst experience of his life. the ghosts plaguing his mind, repeating the name of the person he begged internally to be right beside him, but it was only soo who was holding his hand and telling him it was all going be fine. the pain was insufferable and nearly unendurable, and it was even worse when his mind was not focused on properly and safely delivering his child, but focused on his missing lover instead, the missing piece to his incomplete puzzle. the nurse opted to hand him the child, yejun needed his heartbeat to know he was there and present. but he couldn’t do it. he never looked at yejun for a whole week up until being informed of the consequences of being abandoned at birth. he would rather they had used anything but the word abandoned, but it was that was the word they used. he found out his child could suffer from abandonment issues and emotional trauma, even at such a young age, and he swept away the fears and mental conflicts harboring in his conscience and decided he would hold his child and not refuse him. hold him he did, but he could never completely grasp the importance of showing affection to a newborn.

baekhyun doesn’t quite remember it, but one look in his son’s glimmering eyes while hugging him close was enough to have picking up his shit and being a full-time parent, the parent he should’ve been from the beginning.

look where he is now, clutching his most prized possession in his arms, the same piece of art he admires everyday like it's scheduled, his son whom he would do ludicrous things for. all because he loves yejun. he loves yejun more than he loved chanyeol.

yejun nods, leaning his head against baekhyun’s shoulder. he hums and it makes a smile stretch across baek’s face. giant dada has to come around someday, and it might even be today.

💎

“are you sure you want to go to park, yejun?” baekhyun asks as if he’s not already slipping the boy’s jacket on over his shoulders. “you don’t usually like going out on days like today.”

yejun doesn’t respond, only lets baekhyun continue slipping his coat on and zipping it up because the air is getting cooler and baekhyun’s too afraid the inset of winter is going too nip at yejun’s sensitive skin.

“alright then,” baekhyun sighs. “if you’re so sure.” being able to talk to his son as if the boy is older than is really is is something that baekhyun really enjoys. his son excels in listening, he understands things and observes more than most children his age. he's not a talker, he's not really keen on verbally replying, but he can somehow comprehend the words that fall from baekhyun's mouth most times if they're not past his limit of understanding. however, his son is still young and his vocabulary is average, but that’s nothing to be disappointed about, because yejun really just listens most of the time. yejun doesn’t like talking that much and he mostly keeps to himself, another reason to why it took a while to learn the word _dada_. the giant’s been gone for a week, but his son’s mind is still on _giant dada_. “come on, yejunnie.”

as soon as he opens the door, however, he collides with a body much bigger than his own. he stops and pushes backwards, already knowing who’s there to greet him with an apologetic smile, and it might’ve sent a jolt to his heart, but don’t tell anyone.

momentarily, he gapes at his thoughts earlier, before he and yejun colored, to when he was thinking that it might just happen today. he was right.

“giant dada!” yejun’s arms are around chanyeol’s legs in an instant, entangling the man in a vice grip that’s easily conquerable, but there’s nothing wrong with playing along.

“hey there, buddy,” the giant says, deep laugh resonating through the narrow halls of the apartment building. “you missed me?” he chuckles and lifts the boy up. “i missed you.”

baekhyun, already knowing that going to the park was long gone from yejun’s mind, swiftly steps back, letting the taller into his apartment with a small smile he knew that chanyeol couldn’t have seen.

“baek,” chanyeol calls when he turns around after closing the door. “how’re you?”

“fine,” the elder replies, rubbing his neck as if he was nervous. he doesn’t know quite why he’s nervous, but being deprived of chanyeol’s company again like the first time for a whole week was bringing back unwanted memories that he’d rather keep locked away in a box that no one except him can get into. “you?”

chanyeol grins. “i’m alright.”

“that’s good. anyways, why’re you here?” the words come out a little more aggressively than he’d like them, but he pretends not to recognize the look in taller’s eyes when he hurriedly encourages him to explain his arrival.

“uh, well, i actually have to talk to you. is that okay?” he questions, eyes wandering down to his shoes.

baekhyun shakes away the apprehension and smiles. “of course,” he says, voice affirmative this time. “yeah. we were going to head to the park, but, you know, wants never really last for that long. we can talk in the living room and yejun can show you his building skills.” he gestures for chanyeol to follow him as if the younger doesn’t know how his home is situated. he guesses he just feels like they’re being reintroduced and it’s not a great feeling, but he can live with it. chanyeol’s here to give him answers, he hopes.

baekhyun sits down on the rug and chanyeol settles on the sofa, letting yejun go to play with his toys sprawled across the carpet. he seems quite entertained by them now, even though he wasn’t earlier. chanyeol must be the source of his liveliness that has disappeared over the past week, but is now yet again revived. “you want to talk?”

chanyeol clears his throat, nodding. “well,” he begins. “j-just hear me out...none of what you saw was true. it was just the news being as intrusive as always.”

“and how am i supposed to be sure of this?” baekhyun inquires, although this heart is thinking differently. he wants to believe that chanyeol wouldn’t do something like that, his mind really wants to reject chanyeol like a drug, but his heart seems to be more than welcoming to the younger man. but that may be the very source of his vulnerability to heartbreak, because he falls so easily. “anyone in seoul could be lying.”

“anyone here could by lying, too,” the younger objects. “you never really know when someone is bending the truth, even when you trust them.”

baekhyun crosses his arms. “oh, yeah? how would you know?” he challenges.

“you lied to me about yejun for a while. until fate decided to play games, twist the rules, and look where we ended up? on different sides of the road again.”

the elder narrows his eyes, feeling the words sink in through like cracks in tile. there’s always a way for truth to seep through, he’s discovered, even at the worst places. “what’s your point?”

“my point is...none of that was true. i never got into trouble with another man or woman, and i haven’t done the deed with anyone except you.”

 _why_ , baekhyun thinks. _just, why?!_ why does he have to be like this? there’s no way in hell that the man would’ve kept his hands to himself. he left, after all, didn’t that mean he was so interested anymore? wasn’t that his way of ending by saying that dreams go first, love goes second? why did the giant have to flatter him in the worst ways? all the damn time.

baekhyun’s head hangs to hide the blush creeping along his cheekbones. it was i’m just a mere mention of sex with chanyeol that was able to have him either fuming or flustered, chanyeol’s lucky it was the latter this time. “o-okay, so how did it all happen, huh? you got kissing some guy, that’s not ‘it’, but it still counts.”

chanyeol shakes his head. “i haven’t kissed anyone since you. i really just kept to myself in seoul.”

“so who would make it look like you in that whole photograph, or whatever it was?”

that’s where chanyeol sighs. it’s something he been dreading since he knew he would have to explain how rumors and gossip in the industry originate. “well,” he starts. “there’s this thing called dispatch and they’re known for snapping some rather...irregular photos of idols, but half the time, it’s not even the celebrity. they get paid to follow people around and all that stuff. my bet is that it was them,” he explains, but then he sighs again. “but there’s always another option. there’s crazy people out there who’d do anything in the world to watch me fall. they’re called antis, i guess, and they’d sacrifice their own lives to ruin me. i’ve never really had a real encounter with any, but i know they’re out there. they exist and they’re always ready to strike, as my manager says. they can photoshop things and make up rumors. i don’t know why they do it. some people just hate me, though.”

baekhyun’s eyebrows furrow. he wonders how anyone could do such a thing to someone else when they’re just as human as everyone else. he wonders how evil somebody would be to purposefully arrange the demise of someone in this world just because they don’t like them. the world just seems to be so cruel to the both of them and now he knows that chanyeol also endures bad stuff everyday. he must endure obsessive fans, intrusive reporters, and people who make it their life goal to make him feel bad about himself. chanyeol feels bad, too.

“so you don’t know who spread the rumor?” he asks and takes chanyeol’s silence as a no, meaning he will probably never know who attacks him all day, every day. he probably never knows and has to sit through it all, seeing every discouraging comment on the internet, every rude person who aims to tear him down. and to think he thought being an idol was easy. “oh...i’m sorry.”

chanyeol shakes his head vigorously. “no, no, you’ve got nothing to be sorry about, baekhyun. if anyone should be sorry here, it’s me. i should’ve told you about what’s going in seoul, not assume you knew about it. i just thought you watched the news.”

“nah, too much negative energy,” baekhyun says, face scrunched into a disgusted expression.

chanyeol laughs. “that’s true.” he looks down to yejun on the carpet, seeing the child continue to craft whatever his little hands are capable of making. he’s a bit impressed with yejun’s skills as he stacks the tower a little taller. “he’s doing great, baek.”

baekhyun nods and smiles at his son. “he is. he’s mastered construction. i think we might have a little architect on our hands.”

“our hands?” chanyeol looks doubtfully at baekhyun, who doesn’t even look up from yejun.

he nods and quietly hums. “yes, our hands.”

they watch their son—yes, _their_ son—continue to craft whatever he’s making. seeing their son playing like that independently gives him confidence for when he must grow up with emotionally unstable baekhyun, when he must be there for his father until he can’t; until he has to leave and pursue his own life. baekhyun knows it’s coming one day, he can see it like it was a fortune teller who told him so. it was always his fate to end up alone with years and loads of heartbreak harboring in the expanse of his tattered, chipped heart.

maybe yejun will pursue a career in architecture. maybe he’ll build towers that’ll reach the sky and he’ll be able to touch the clouds. maybe he’ll be able to design the tallest tower on earth, to make history and baekhyun might be able to say _that’s my son_ just as he had done with chanyeol, except it was about being his baby daddy, even if it left a singe mark in his damaged conscience. he would endure and be proud of two people he loved so much. he would smile with the thought of knowing they were happy, and he was happy seeing them happy. to him, his happiness and well-being doesn’t matter, but it does to chanyeol.

chanyeol would devote his everything just to see the old baekhyun in the face of the new baekhyun, to see his old smile on his new body. he would do anything just to tell baekhyun how he feels. but why must everything hold him back? why must he be tied with chains of steel that make him abstain from telling him? why must he be contained? why is he making himself be contained? maybe because he knows what would happen if things go this quickly; baekhyun will get spooked and push chanyeol away again. he wouldn’t face him. chanyeol must wait until the smallest sliver of requited love is exposed (if there's any left), shining through the dark barricades that baekhyun built around himself to shield him from the other danger that would wreak havoc on his heart. he can at least hope there’s still love for him under many layers of scarred tissue.

yejun places one block at the top, finishing off his tower with excited clapping of his tiny hands. baekhyun smiles at him and lifts him into his lap, rocking him side to side and hugging him. chanyeol watches with an enchanted smile, already too far gone down that path of everlasting admiration for someone. 

“good job, yejunnie,” baekhyun tells him son, hugging him tighter and giving him raspberries on his cheeks. it’s a sweet sight, sickeningly sweet, almost so much that chanyeol feels the need to get up and drink a glass of water to see if he’s not actually high right now. “he did good, right, chanyeol? my talented boy.”

“of course, so talented. he’s going to be so famous someday. maybe even more famous then me.”

“maybe.”

“no,” chanyeol says. “scratch that. i know he’ll surpass me because he’ll build towers that’ll never fall, right? he’ll make them strong and he’ll always keep his promises.”

baekhyun stops momentarily, but then continues with a subtle smile gracing his lips. "yeah...maybe,” is what he whispers as they fade into air as if they never left his mouth.

maybe his tower won’t wobble like chanyeol and baekhyun’s. it’ll be strong and well-built. yejun will surpass them both because the student can always surpass the teacher. like they always say, any child, no matter the age, height, weight, financial status, race, or even education, can do incredible things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way, yejun is based loosely off my little sister. she was very, very intelligent at this age (though i cannot say it lasted any longer after that, lmao) so don't be confused.


	15. I Like You a Latte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a double-update since you guys had to wait so long...anyway, sorry for any mistakes ❤

when chanyeol first left the town he called home for a little less than two decades, he resorted to songwriting to get over his heartbreak. that was until songwriting wasn’t strong enough and he spent the majority of his extra time that wasn’t spent practicing, drinking to drown his thoughts in a pool of sour liquor. alcohol was his saving grace when he spent the after hours of the day angry at himself and such, while being disgusting by the cruelty in the world, while being blown away at the sights that seoul had, but being dragged down by the nerves in his heart just begging him to go back to baekhyun, but he never did.

drinking his late years of adolescence away was one of chanyeol’s worst mistakes. he never witnessed the merriment sticking around and being himself could’ve brought him, he gave it up all up for some stupid, shitty dream, for some shitty company. he’s never been one to bitch about things, to complain all the time, but it’s no one but himself he’s harming with his complaints.

drinking became a bad habit for when chanyeol regretted every decision the most. drinking became his everything to just distance himself from the pain of his own actions, and the pain he caused others.

he remembers arriving in seoul with a bunch of unread text messages, too many unanswered calls to count, all with a heavy heart as he thought it was right, despite it feeling so damn wrong. he continued with his dream and he ignored his feelings, his intuitions. there is never one action in his lifetime that he will regret more than that one because it was the start of it all.

paying no mind to what he denies and blames himself for, chanyeol did look back when he left town. it took one glance in the rear-view mirror to decimate his pride, to diminish all the confidence he thought he had.

time he faced with the authorities was momentary before he realized he couldn’t just pity himself because it was his actions. he acknowledged the fact that he probably severed every possible chance of going back to baekhyun and being with him romantically, that he had done as he pleased, selfishly, and now he must endure the consequences.

after a while, chanyeol begins to realize that there’s some things he can blame himself for, but he must go slow in resolving those mishaps and issues he caused. he must be gentle and deliberate, but he also must show diligence. drinking wasn’t—and isn’t—the way to overcome those fears swimming inside his thoughts, he’s concluded, but working to fix things with other people can do that.

he messed up, he’s done it a ton of times. however, he’s trying to mend things again. he hurt baekhyun, he did things when thinking they would pan out inconsequentially. but now he’s fixing things again, he’s watering the flowers in his figurative garden, and it seems like spring is coming again.

caring for yejun is icing on the cake. not only is he spending time with his son as he oh-so-kindly pledged to do at the command of a miniature parental general named byun baekhyun. he’s put forth his money to pay for baekhyun’s needs, to help relieve him of the continuous stress barreling at his skull like lead bullets.

he’s here, he’s present, and he vows not to break baekhyun’s trust ever again. it’s the beginning of a new thing after it shed its skin and transformed into something beautiful, potentially even more so.

but chanyeol always keeps the figurative sticky note that a man a long, long time ago installed in the back of his mind, into the dark and dusty corners for future use.

_whatever’s the beginning can always be the end._

and _damn_ it, that was true.

💎

baekhyun likes his job a little more now than he did before. he has less hours here, has more time to spend with his son, and yes, as crazy as it sounds, chanyeol as well. his boss doesn’t have to call him in for the frequent check-ins he used to go for, he doesn’t have to sit down and take breather because he’s so exhausted anymore. he’s guesses that there is more to having chanyeol back in his life than just having his lively son back.

it’s good news for kyungsoo too, because chanyeol is spending more time with yejun, only taking the late hours of the day for his productive songwriting. kyungsoo gets to watch taeoh grow more and more mature and jongin as well, because the lord knows that the younger male needs it. he still can’t pass the fact that his husband forgot his own child in walmart. even worse, it was on one of the car seats they have on the shelves, the ones that show what the object looks like before you buy it, and it wasn’t until jongin realized his son wasn’t in his arms that he finally went back. fortunately, taeoh was alright and no one had taken him, but the lady with the stink eye and the shopping cart filled with bags upon bags of food for several children had noticed and took the chance to advise him not to leave his son there again. it’s never happened since then, but soo is the only one allowed to bring taeoh to the store with him in hopes that it’ll never happen again since the elder is much less forgetful than the younger. kyungsoo is able to spend more time teaching jongin how to take care of taeoh regardless of the younger male already being a father for a whole year.

baekhyun likes his job, despite those countless stains that you and i both know he’s memorized before, the same customers that walk in and greet him as he was their neighbor because senior citizens are like that, and he’s even not so tired of those immature teenagers anymore who make his job a living hellhole. it’s just fascinatingly amazing how chanyeol has affected his life by just helping him. he doesn’t even have to live him anymore to know that he will always take care of them, he will always watch out for them. however, while he knows that’s true, the part of his job that he hates is the amount of time he has to think about things. thinking is quite possibly his least favorite thing even though he does it quite a lot. he just hates how it makes his brain ache in all the wrong ways and makes his eyes water from staring into oblivion for so long. in short, thinking is baekhyun’s worst enemy. he couldn’t do it in high school, he couldn’t do it during pregnancy, and he sure as hell can’t do it now.

“baekhyun,” mr. yoon, a replacement for mr. jung while the man is on vacation, his ‘trusted’ cousin, says, tearing him away from the coffee machine just in time before he causes it to overspill and singe his hands in the scalding liquid. “there’s a customer at table 7.”

 _table 7_. the table hasn’t been used _once_ in all the time that baekhyun has worked here. he never recalls seeing anyone walk in and sit down at that booth like it’s easy. he’s beginning to get the idea that the booth is haunted, or that customers are just repulsed by the thought of sitting at lucky table 7 because it has some kind of significance. he has no idea and he believes he never will because like he said, he’d have to think about it, and thinking right now would be like incarcerating himself in the jail of his own mind. table 7 is a place that people do not like, much like he dislikes his own brain.

baekhyun stares at his boss’ practical apprentice. “seriously?” he says. “table 7? i’ve never seen anyone sit there.”

mr. yoon raises his eyebrows, looking back over his shoulder to glance at the man hunched over in the mentioned seat. he’s wearing a dark coat, a bucket hat, blue jeans, and everything about him just screams shady. but maybe that’s just baekhyun’s instincts after working with daejung for so long because the student has a habit of making himself look quite questionable, not contradictory to his actual actions. “really?”

baekhyun nods, eyes following his boss’. “yes. i swear. no one in the two years i’ve worked here has ever sat at that table. that’s crazy,” he utters, exhaling before looking back to mr. yoon. “so what do you want me to do?”

mr. yoon shrugs. “it’s just a table,” the elder proclaims. “nothing strange about it, right?”

“are you sure?” says the waiter, eyes narrowed.

his boss smiles. “yes, of course. he’s just a man. at a table. that hasn’t been used in years. but hey, what can we do about it? just serve him as you’d do with any other customer. with utmost kindness, like always.” there’s a nervous bite behind his boss’ voice and he can’t quite detect why. he’s the actual server, expected to provide and work to the customer’s wishes, but mr. yoon is the one with the uncertain laugh.

“are you okay, boss?” he asks. “you seen a bit...iffy.” it’s not like he knows the man currently replacing his real boss, but he can at least be considerate enough to check in and see if he’s okay.

“i’m fine. just thinking about the table. isn’t that weird? hasn’t been used in years! how strange,” his boss whispers, turning back to walk to his office while biting his nails. his boss’ replacement is really weird. in the two weeks that he’s been here, he’s come off as a bit atypical and unusual. he seems to constantly be on his toes about things, based off baek’s observations. he can’t really tell, though, mr. yoon only comes out of the office every two hours or so for the same reason mr. jung does—he must check that all of his employees are present.

disregarding the cup of coffee he was making for himself moments ago for a while, baekhyun walks around the counter and over to table 7. it feels a bit weird waking over there, he feels like he’s walking in the wrong direction.

“hello,” he greets, vocally catching the customer’s attention. “my name is baekhyun, can i help you?”

the male in the questionable clothes looks up and baekhyun can swear that his heart almost stopped because, _holy shit_ , this guy is hot. especially when he smiles.

“hi,” the man says. his voice is deeper than baekhyun anticipated. “uh...yeah, can i get a coffee? one cream, two sugars, please.”

baekhyun nods while his eyes are dead-set on this man. he mindlessly writes down the man’s order in his notepad like he’d learned to do when he first started working here because mr. jung insisted it was a worthwhile skill. baekhyun recalls scoffing at the man and asking him why. the answer he got was more than relatable to this moment; _just in case you get too immersed in the customer._

the man laughs awkwardly, cowering under baekhyun’s stare. “a-are you going to go get the coffee?”

“yes!” baekhyun exclaims, jolting backwards towards the counter. he’s glad he didn’t fall or anything because it would be even worse if those kids in the corner booth laughed at him again. “i-i’ll be right back.”

baekhyun rounds the countertop again, fingers gripping at his apron tied around his waist. he feels like pulling his hair because, damn, that was embarrassing. not only did he stare at the man for who knows how long, he also yelled at him and stuttered like he used to do with chanyeol. like he used to do with chanyeol. oh, that kind of felt good.

he can’t get the image of the male at table 7 out of his mind. smooth, pale skin, wide smile on his perfect pink lips, dark and enticing brown eyes, brown hair that seems as if it’s never been touched by an ounce of bleach in the man’s lifetime. he’s perfect in every way possible.

maybe today’s his lucky day. maybe today is the day he might allow himself to look at other guys now, to feel attraction to them. it’s not really what he wants, but needs. he needs to feel like he can get out again. the only drawback is the fact that he has a child, which is another piece of cargo on the band wagon, something not all people strive to acknowledge and appreciate. there’s something about the way the man looked at him that made him feel comfortable. he was awkward, of course, but that had nothing to do with how the aura felt. whoever this man sitting table 7 is, baekhyun will find out.

he sighs as he begins to make the coffee for the man. his coffee-making skills are not top-notch, definitely not the best. they can easily be topped by sehun because the kid works five million hours a week and he needs a shit-ton of coffee to be a mechanic, but he must try his best in order to impress this man and serve him coffee that fits under his preferences. baekhyun’s learnt that coffee is the way to a young person’s heart, and as a young person himself, he can agree. he likes a server that can make his coffee live up to his expectations, he likes coffee that is exactly how he ordered it. therefore, he likes people who give him things _exactly_ as he ordered them. maybe that’s the control freak in him, maybe not.

this man can get all the one cream, two sugars coffee he wants. baekhyun would even invite him over to just to make him coffee because he’s just that damn good-looking. he hasn’t felt this way since a long time ago, now he feels it again. that’s a good thing, right? his heart feels like a safe with the lock being cracked with psychological ability, a safe that finds itself being vanquished.

he finishes the coffee up and carefully applies a bit of creamer in the shape of a heart that turns out looking a little more like a deformed butterfly without legs rather than his initial intentions, but he decides to take the chance to see if this guy likes abstract art. he masks his terrified expression with a bright and friendly smile, picking the drink up while praying that he won’t spill it and humiliate himself even more.

“h-here you go, sir.” _dammit_ , he thinks. _it’s always the stutter._ “i hope you enjoy.”

the man smiles and baekhyun feel real butterflies with actual legs in his stomach. “of course, thank you so much.”

baekhyun bows quickly before scrambling off again. what was he even thinking when he was so nervous about going over there? he was just giving a guy his coffee, after all. it’s nothing too important, nothing to fret about. yet baekhyun is still fretting. it’s just coffee and he’s stuttering while giving it to the guy at the table that no one ever sits at. huh, it seems like today is full of surprises. just like every other day is.

he wishes he could’ve met this man under different circumstances. he wishes he wasn’t a waiter and that he was, like, a regular person or something. like he totally wasn’t an employee on the job who’s nervous about greeting a customer who just so happens to be completely gorgeous. and why the hell hasn’t he called kyungsoo yet?

baekhyun takes a swift glance over the diner, seeing if anyone is requesting his service, but he sees none. he strides by daejung with a quick _i’ll be right back_ before he exits the diner through the kitchen entrance, kyungsoo on speed dial.

the younger picks up after three rings. “ _baekhyun, what the heck? you never call me._ ”

baekhyun laughs for a moment. “no,” he retorts. “i call you, you just never pick up.” kyungsoo audibly scoffs. “anyways, i’ve got some great news!”

“ _what? you’re going to call me again to brag about how your son knows how to say his name already, but mine doesn’t? why do you think i don’t answer your calls_?” soo says in the same sarcastically bitter tone he always uses, despite the situation. “ _i’m hanging up if that’s what this is about_.”

“no,” baekhyun tells him. “i met this super hot guy today and he was just— like— he’s really, _really_ hot. hotter than jongin, even! he’s nice, too, and i had to serve him and he accepted my cup of coffee and sat at the table that no ever sits at—“

“ _baekhyun_!” he cuts the elder off. and as always, baekhyun is silent. “ _okay, first of all, no one is hotter than jongin. second of all, he’s hot, we got that. third of all, what about chanyeol_?”

“what about chanyeol?” baekhyun inquires. “weren’t you the one who was encouraging me to get over him a few weeks ago?”

“ _weren’t you the one who was pretending to be over him_?” the younger retorts. “ _i know you’re not over chanyeol. there’s no way._ ”

“and why not?”

kyungsoo snorts. “ _because you’re a whole-ass emotional rollercoaster and half the time you don’t even know what the hell to believe_ ,” he says. “ _you think you’re going to convince that you’re over chanyeol by fanboy-ing about how hot a guy you met at your job is_.”

baekhyun gasps. “you’re right, soo! i gotta do something!”

“ _baekhyun_ ,” soo interrupts. “ _calm down. do something, but do it calmly. be at peace for once_.”

the elder makes a noise of disapproval. “i’m always at peace!” he objects. “you’re just too busy being the mama hen to see it. everything i do, you have to oversee first.” it’s sort of true, soo will admit, but baekhyun doesn’t usually know what to think in regular situations. he doesn’t know what to feel. which is exactly why soo must have a place in his life, like a senator or congressman casting his vote on what should take place. because otherwise, things will go wrong. which is exactly why baekhyun moped after chanyeol left. it’s exactly why he spent too many days in bed, crying over a man who just ripped his heart out and stomped on it gradually harder everyday, tirelessly and effortlessly obliterating it until it was a pile of ashes worn and crumbled from the strength of fire.

kyungsoo never liked chanyeol. it started out because the older and taller man was annoyingly talkative, always having something to say, always lingering. even worse, he had baekhyun’s attention. baekhyun’s attention was the only thing soo wanted the first time he met the boy. no matter how much he neglected him, threw him out and said, _go away,baekhyun, i need to focus right now,_ his heart was thrumming with just the thought of baekhyun casting him a simple yet provocative glance. he longed for baekhyun since the day he met him. he wanted baekhyun to feel the same. however, on the first day of school, the first day soo had actually talked to baekhyun after seeing the boy wandering the sidewalks of his neighborhood all summer long, the day he found himself actually having a chance, he saw his possession being ripped from his grasp. by a giraffe loser named park chanyeol. he resented chanyeol since middle school, and even more during high school, but the elder man was always on kyungsoo's mind. he was in love with his best friend, one of the most irritatingly, vicariously exuberant and loud people he’d ever met. he acted as if he disliked the boy with a burning passion, but he really internally pined for the elder and longed for the day he would come to his senses and recognize kyungsoo’s love for him.

that all changed in junior year when a certain sophomore by the name of kim jongin, otherwise known as kai, entered his life in the form of a football to the face. he apologized profusely, but kyungsoo was more focused on the fact on that the younger man was absolutely electrifyingly gorgeous and too kind for his own good. he paid him back with a confession that the taller had a certain interest in him. kyungsoo’s heart still longed for baek, he loved him, but that was the day he decided he wouldn’t wait for baekhyun any longer. because he knew that baekhyun and chanyeol harbored feelings for each other, they have since freshman year, but they never shared it.

jongin was the only thing to occupy his mind days later, when he attended the dance with the younger. and they fell in love that night. soo’s heart was finally alleviated, finally released from its daunting chains. his heart was no longer frozen and cracked with traces of shattering ice, but mended and burning with fire and love and passion for jongin, who would later take every one of the firsts he should be the one to take. he’s the one that lifted kyungsoo’s burdens of loving a man he cannot have.

kyungsoo hated chanyeol up until junior year of high school, and then he hated him again when the elder broke the heart of someone kyungsoo used to cry over. kyungsoo still hates him. he figures that with all the reasons to dislike someone as outgoing as chanyeol, someone who broke the heart of his best friend countless times, he will hate him forever.

kyungsoo is not being dramatic. he’s never been dramatic. all the hate he harbors for someone is stemmed from the most truthful and honest part of his heart, but baekhyun is always dramatic. that’s what soo knows best about his closest friend.

baekhyun was dramatic when he “discreetly” cheated off kyungsoo’s paper in math class, when he gave his brother’s number to chanyeol at lunch as if he hadn’t just tricked the most clueless person soo knew of, when he called soo about how the younger confronted him about the number, asked him out, and so long down the endless timeline of their overly dramatic relationship and everything that orbited it. kyungsoo was there all throughout the fall of baekhyun, how he shut himself off, and how kyungsoo found himself being the lifeline of the boy he used to love with every single cell in his body. baekhyun is dramatic and this is yet another occasion to add to the list of instances that soo found baekhyun exaggerating to the highest degree.

“ _i’m not the mama hen,_ ” kyungsoo insists.

“yes, you are,” baekhyun retorts playfully. “you are my mama hen. i love you for it.” if he had said that any time before junior year of high school, kyungsoo’s heart would’ve stopped.

soo sighs. “ _i love you, too, just not all the time_.” the younger stifles laughter when he hears a high-pitched _hey!_. “ _but i’m not anybody’s mama except taeoh’s, i’m just watchful over you_.”

baekhyun’s rolls his eyes. “yeah, like you’re not jongin’s mama.”

“ _oh my gosh, baekhyun, shut the hell up before i find you and finally kill you like i’ve been wanting to do all these years_ ,” the raven-haired threatens, although his voice is laced with the brightness of amusement.

“oh,” baek drawls with abrupt confidence. “that’s right. you’d be the one who would be calling him daddy.” he’s probably not going to wake up tomorrow, but hey, that’s fine.

“ _byun baekhyun_!” kyungsoo’s voice isn’t sharp and pitched with vehement bitterness like it usually, he understands that it’s a joke, but it still manages to shake baek’s bones when the younger is screeching at him with burning passion. “ _you better shut the hell up and get back in there before you get your ass kicked_!”

“yeah right,” baekhyun giggles. “like you even do that. your legs are, like, two inches long.”

that only enrages kyungsoo more. why must he endure this kind of treatment? he has no idea, but years of it have led him to great patience. however, right now, that patience is nonexistent. “ _you little piece of shit_ —“

but baekhyun is smart enough to hang up before he has to listen to ten minutes of profanities being shouted in his ear.

he stands there and inhales the fresh air for a moment. he needs it. that diner is way too stuffy. and it seems like everything is calm for a hot minute, until he snaps back into reality and realized that there’s a possibility that the hot guy at table 7 is still sitting there, waiting on him. well, isn’t that ironic.

he takes a deep breath of courage, one he needs, before he steps back into the diner and passes through the kitchen. he makes his way out to the open, but what he finds is a disappointing sight; the man is no longer sitting at table 7. he sighs, filled with dismay all over. baekhyun stumbles over to the table, remembering that the male must’ve paid his bill somehow and left a tip behind. he finds a piece of paper by a stack of bills settled on the table.

_if you wanted my number, you could’ve just asked. the name is jinyoung, by the way. here’s an extra twenty bucks—not for your services in my indulgence, but by your being there. call me, text me, whatever you decide, xxx-xxx-xxx. it was nice to meet you, baekhyun, and i hope to see you again._

baekhyun’s heart swells (mostly for the fact that the man read his name-tag because he sure as hell didn’t tell him his name) and he suddenly can’t wait for the day to end. he can only anticipate the night coming quickly, to where he can text jinyoung and initiate something. something he needs to get started.

baekhyun’s day might just be getting better. he didn’t used to think that would be possible.

💎

baekhyun’s always wondered what a second chance would be like, what it would do for him, and his son. what would it be like? would it be the same as it was with chanyeol before he left? or would he be more prepared due to the past circumstances? because he’s been heartbroken before, and he’ll be prepared to have it he done again.

however, his son is a different story. he won’t let his child be hurt by someone leaving him, not like he was. he raised his son from the moment he finally picked his life up and he’s not about to let him get hurt now, not when his father is back in town and making a good effort to help be there for him.

he wonders how chanyeol would react if he told him about jinyoung. he likes to think that the younger man is still unsure about his feelings and wouldn’t mind if he had the chance to start over and live his life again, but he doesn’t know what he should do. he’s always on the fence about whether or not he should tell chanyeol things. chanyeol has power now, he has money and authority and a body he would die for (but we don’t talk about it), and he could control baekhyun if he wanted to. with resistance, though. one thing baekhyun has gained over the year is pregnancy weight and a mind of his own.

he has his own opinions now, he has his own life and child and house now, and that doesn’t always have to involve chanyeol in his life. things can be separated. they’re no longer chemically bonded like they used to be. chanyeol used to be the sodium to his chlorine, together they were salt. they used to be a pure chemical compound, but they are separated atoms now. there’s not chemistry anymore. baekhyun knows there will never be anything else between them again.

second chances haven’t always easily occurred to him. especially when he used to fail a test in high school and the teacher was indecisive about whether he should be able to redo his test or not.

second chances aren’t as fun as they appear to be, but they can good sometimes, but baekhyun can only hope for the latter.

no matter what, he wants yejun to be happy. his happiness is less important than his son’s. he knows that chanyeol prioritizes baekhyun and yejun both, but he wants to believe that chanyeol is happiest when he’s alone in his studio in seoul, writing music for famous people while handling his own performing career. he knows that it’s going to happen again, he can just feel it. the heart of seoul is one with chanyeol.

there were chances with chanyeol. they were practically dating since freshmen year, just not technically because neither asked each other out, but their relationship really started then. it started small with inconspicuous glances at each other, hand-holding when their hands bumped together, laying their head in each other’s lap. they were friends then and their relationship was abrupt, they had sex abruptly. their entire relationship was obscenely fast-paced. they rushed like they had always done when they were late to class because they got too distracted while writing a song, or from making out in the later parts of their relationship. it was good, but it ended as quickly as it started.

this second chance should come slowly. he will not rush with jinyoung. maybe jinyoung doesn’t want to rush either. maybe he’s just like baekhyun. baek hasn’t gotten around to texting the man yet, but he will after dinner with yejun tonight and he’s looking forward to it. he wants his dedication to be genuine and wholesome, he wants to do this correctly, if there even is a “correct” way to do things. if there is, he has yet to discover it. maybe he and jinyoung and yejun can do it together.

this might be a chance, but who knows.

 _whatever’s the beginning can always be the end_.

said his father long ago. way before he had completely cut baekhyun off from their lives and disabled him from being able to call a place home. he thought he lived in a safe place, somewhere he could be comfortable, but all he felt when he was there was held accountable for things he didn’t do, and for tiny misfortunes that ended up being miracles.

the only thing that baekhyun can do is sit and hope it’s also true that an end can always be a beginning.


	16. Photograph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i kind of hate this chapter but kinda like it?? idk. as you can see, i am currently drunk on life since i don't drink ✌🤷❤

“i will find you,” the deep voice muttered, voice reverberating through the thin walls of baekhyun’s apartment, where every fart, sneeze, cough, shout, and moan could be heard from across the halls and from even two floors down, but baekhyun had gotten used to it over the years of becoming so accustomed to not living in his parents’ house anymore, and it sure as hell was not quiet at taeyong’s house. baekhyun doesn’t mind. he actually sleeps better when there’s ruckus going on around him than when it’s eerily silent and nothing’s happening. “you can’t hide from me forever.”

that voice almost sends a chill down baekhyun’s spine. it’s all too familiar. he remembers hearing it in some stupid impression of the emperor from star wars. it’s sounds a lot better than it did then, it seems like he’s taken the time to work on improving it, so baekhyun can credit him that.

he freezes when he hears the sound of footsteps tiptoeing down the hall. they’re way too loud to be yejun’s, that’s for sure. so he must be quiet and hope that his cover is not blown as he burrows into the dark hall closet even further, cringing as he touches something slightly wet that he knows he’ll have to note in his mental checklist of things to do later that will most likely never get done. he’d taken the time slip a few of the heavy winter coats from the coat rack to cover himself up as if he were camouflaged. he knew all those coats he bought would be good at some point. now he can laugh in kyungsoo’s face if he gets out of here alive because the younger was the one to go shopping with him when he bought them and made comments about how he’ll never use them. baekhyun once thought his points were irrefutable and actually contemplated selling them a few weeks ago, but now he thinks he keep them.

baekhyun covers his mouth with his wide palm when he hears the footsteps stop right outside the closet door. he hears jolly giggles on the perimeter and he’s sure that he’s been viciously betrayed. great, just great. when is he not betrayed?

“i know you’re there, baekhyun,” the deep voice says again. “maybe we’ll show you mercy if you come out. we’re locked and loaded, and i won’t hesitate to pull this trigger.” his breathing goes silent and his eyes are wide. the last thing he wants is to get penetrated with bullets that may or may not be styrofoam, ones that leave sharp, lasting injuries he must showcase in the pursuit of imagination. “alright then. it’s seems he’s not here.”

he sighs relievedly when he hears those loud footsteps that trudge on the soles of two monstrous feet stalking down the hall with long, wide strides for stupendously extensive legs. he feels at ease for a moment since there’s no threat constantly coming his way and he’s sure he’s alone. he recalls sitting in this same closet when he first bought this apartment and burying his face in his elbows, which were folded over his bent knees. he sat here, and since it’s across from yejun’s and his respective rooms directly, he could be here and still be alert for his child. he spent many nights here, sorting through his mind like it was his email inbox. he threw away the trashy memories to let in space for the new ones. it was a dark place where he could find peace, now it’s his hiding place again.

baekhyun, although relieved to be at peace with his inner demons at the moment, can’t stand being smushed in here any longer. he’s alone, so what difference would he make? his betrayers are probably on the other side of the apartment anyways.

he stands up, dragging his relatively short limbs with him (a trait about himself he is indecisive about liking or not), and exits the closet. but the moment he stands a bit hunched over, he feels the familiar light sting of nerf bullets in his side and he realizes that he’s been played.

“ah, ha! we got you!” chanyeol plays along, lips upturned in a bright smile as he carries his child on his attractively broad shoulders with one hand on his leg, and grasps the plastic nerf gun with the other one.

baekhyun’s hand finds his heart. “oh no...” he trails off, dropping to his knees. “i’ve been betrayed! how dare you, junnie? i thought you were on my side.” baekhyun decides to cut his dying monologue short as he collapses to the ground in a heap of an oversized shirt and a pair of gym shorts. “goodbye, cruel world!” and then he dies. that’s enough to have yejun laughing loudly like his father, only he’s not slapping someone to death with big hands and he can at least maintain his composure.

“papa died!” yejun squeals, his voice high with excitement. it’s a little concerning that his son is celebrating his feigned death by children’s toy, but hey, at least he’s not in middle school yet, where they play violent video games with death and horror and—ugh, baekhyun just wants to die all over again just thinking about it.

“alright, buddy,” the giant says, lifting the boy off his shoulders to place him gently on the ground. “i think that’s been enough of hide-and-seek, nerf gun style. my back hurts,” he groans, large hands going to massage his lower back.

“so,” baek says. “you guys want some lunch? i’ve got some leftover kimchi spaghetti in the refrigerator,” he suggests, watching the way chanyeol’s hand remains firmly on his lower back and decides it’s time to give the younger man a break. he’s only now getting used to this, baekhyun thinks, so it’ll take some getting used to and back pains might just be his adaptation.

the giant’s ears perk up at that and baek fights the urge to coo at how he never changed, how his ears are rather useless in keeping him informed unless it involves food. “sure,” he replies happily. “i could take some. how about you, buddy?” chanyeol leans down to meet his son’s height, which is much shorter than his own.

the boy nods reservedly, bright smile exposing the small dimple on his left cheek, a trait that baekhyun will never, ever, in all his years ahead, grow tired of because it’s just so stunningly adorable. he likes— _liked_ —it in chanyeol, his likes it on yejun. and, oh yeah, jinyoung has dimples too—not that baekhyun stared at the selfies he sent long enough to notice them, they were just that evident and it’s something that baekhyun finds to be absolutely breathtaking. dimples are just too captivating, what can he say?

baekhyun leads them to the kitchen table and pushes chanyeol down into a seat beside yejun’s booster seat to keep him away from any act of a culinary attempt, shoving him back to make sure the giant doesn’t interfere and give one of them food-poisoning, although that seems realistically impossible because the food is already cooked, or burns the food he has left to eat before he goes to the grocery store tomorrow.

he feels chanyeol’s eyes on him as he prepares the kimchi spaghetti by putting it in the microwave, resting against the counter but refusing to spare a glance in chanyeol’s direction in fear that the man will catch it. he hasn’t told chanyeol about jinyoung yet, and he doesn’t expect to have to because what they had is long over and it seems like chanyeol has accepted that fate, too, but he still trembles in thought that chanyeol would be enraged by the revelation. he knows chanyeol still loves him in some way, and that makes him feel abnormally guilty, like he is the physical manifestation of culpability due to the circumstances. he’s just always surrounded by chanyeol, in way that the man is trying to get closer to his son, and quite possibly, baekhyun as well, but baekhyun hopes that chanyeol doesn’t try to change things. they’re fine the way they are right now, friends, acquaintances, whatever you want to call them except anything past the limit of platonic. fate doesn’t need to be changed, right? because chanyeol will go back to seoul when this hiatus he’s on eventually becomes dubious and people begin to question his actions, and baekhyun will stay here with yejun, hoping that chanyeol will come around at least a time or two, and maybe jinyoung, too.

and shit, he’s already fantasizing about what life with jinyoung in tow would be like. but just like chanyeol, jinyoung is also completely oblivious to another prominent entity in his life; his own son. the latter has no clue that he lives alongside a young, passionate being with a grin that could light up all his dark days and more, his ever-changing sense of contentment. he worries that regardless of how cordial this man he met at work appears to be, he could also be a complete asshole and baekhyun would never see it coming. gullibility has made him vulnerable among the dating world because it’s been too long since he’s gone out with someone else, and the world just always seem to be disloyal to him, or maybe it’s him being disloyal to the world, he can’t tell.

the point is, however, if he wants all the people in his life, recent and bygone as well as himself, to be pleased, then he’ll have to reveal it all at some point. because time has told him that secrecy is no way to solve problems that need immediate and undivided attention.

the timer for the microwave informs him that the kimchi spaghetti is done, so he grabs a towel and lifts the container from the machine, carrying it to the table while noticing that chanyeol has long diverted his prying eyes to yejun with a soft gaze.

“are you hungry, junnie?” he croons with a pout. “i am, giant dada’s tummy is so empty and he needs his food now! or else he’ll be grumpy and he’s scary when he’s grumpy!” yejun giggles as his father leans back in his chair, playfully exposing his tummy by lifting up his plain white shirt, baekhyun looking away because he knows that what used to be the thin layer of baby fat on the giant’s abdomen is long gone, replaced with hardened, toned muscles from the effort his career requires.

baekhyun laughs, stifling the nervousness in his tone. “alright now, calm down. here’s the food. you won’t have to starve anymore,” the elder asserts, sitting down at his place at the table with a large spoon. carefully, he scoops a good serving of the food on to all of their plates, giggling when he sees that chanyeol lunges at it like a wild man with yejun following. table etiquette seems like a problem he can resolve later, enjoying these moments with his son as the said boy mimics his taller father’s every passing move.

“this is good, baek,” chanyeol comments, and baekhyun chooses to ignore the urge to wipe off the smear of sauce on the side of the giant’s mouth. “almost as good as my mom used to make it.”

baekhyun smiles. “thanks, i guess...?”

“that was a compliment, don’t worry.”

the elder nods. “by the way, yeol,” baek starts. “how is your mother? and the rest of your family.”

baekhyun’s eyes narrow when chanyeol tenses, a hitched breath being emitted as his wide shoulders become parallel. “uh—well, i-i actually don’t know,” he reveals, beautiful wide eyes never leaving his plate.

the brunet falters. “what do you mean?” he inquired, intrigued by the idea in his mind contradicting everything the man just told him. he always thought chanyeol had a better relationship with his parents than he did with his own, despite only coming across them once or twice since they were all first introduced, and he’s sure he saw the giant’s sister on the television one day when he was bored.

chanyeol sighs, dropping his fork to clang against the plate as his large hands go to run over his face in frustration. he’s in obvious turmoil. “i really don’t know, baekhyun. i haven’t heard from my family since i left. they’re part of the reason i left. not even they knew about me.”

“you mean you didn’t even tell your parents when you left?”

“nope.” chanyeol shakes his head.

“why not?”

_because they didn’t like us. you and me. what we had. they didn’t like my dreams, who i was; they wanted me to be their perfect son._

“because i knew they would disapprove of it,” he blatantly lies. “i’m sure i was a good riddance to them, anyway. i’m sure they’re glad i’m gone.”

at that, baekhyun chuckles, but the apprehension he’s been hiding seeps through. “i don’t know about that, park,” he grunts, biting his lip to resist grimacing.

“what?” the giant shoots him a curious look. “i’m positive they were satisfied with my absence, baek. i was just another mouth to feed.”

baekhyun rolls his eyes at chanyeol’s self-degradation. “then why would your mother stare me down in the grocery store, huh? i’m one-hundred percent sure that she knows about yejun, chanyeol. you can’t hide anything in this town.”

then why would his mother have not made an effort to contact him already? probably because he was right that she’s content with his leaving, like he was convinced she would be the moment she woke up with a missing son and so much more money to spare because he paid for it all by himself. but how hasn’t he run into her yet? it’s inevitable, he would think, or is it a force that’s pulling them apart, friction and resistance there to do the job of never having to face his family ever again for him? again, maybe it’s not a coincidence and she’s doing all she can to avoid his presence.

of all those things she could possibly find out, she just had to know about her grandson. that was inevitable too, actually, but chanyeol can’t seem to grasp why his mother would care enough to have her eye on baekhyun and yejun when she was disappointed by her own son.

the questions just keep piling up.

“you think she knows about him?” he questions, wide-eyed. he groans when he sees baekhyun nod. “what about before i came here?”

“i’ve seen her in the store lots of times, chanyeol, it’s bound to happen. if you’re asking if she knew before you, then probably. you knew that yejun was your son the moment you saw him, didn’t you? why wouldn’t she notice? you have distinguishable features, and it’s not like i was hiding him. i’m sure i got lots of looks,” baekhyun states, tone bored as the other seems astonished that his family could find out such a pivotal thing before he did. it’s not their fault, though, so he shouldn’t be upset. chanyeol was the one to leave them all.

“dad probably knows too, then,” chanyeol states the obvious. “they share everything; talents, traits, feelings, disappointment for their own son—“

baekhyun huffs. “ _god_ , do you ever shut up about it? stop insulting yourself.” he rolls his eyes and yawns because the conversation has led him to exert a ton of integrity into just getting his ex-boyfriend to shut up for once. “look,” he says nonchalantly, and although his tone is bland, chanyeol looks straight at him while yejun, ever the natural quiet kid, continues minding his own business while eating the kimchi. “what are you so worried about? it’s your parents. they deserve to know about their grandson.”

the giant folds his hands and leans against his bond fists, closing his eyes momentarily before sighing in submission. “you’re right,” he surrenders begrudgingly. “but i still can’t shake the fact that they knew before me. i keep wondering if they tried to tell me, tried to find some way to let it play out like that.”

“they probably did,” baek comments with a small scrunch of his nose. he catches chanyeol’s glare. “what? they probably did! it wouldn’t be unusual.”

“oh god, what else are you not telling me?” the taller exasperates, knowing every strategic way that baekhyun tries to imply something. unlucky for baekhyun, he knows how to catch a drift. “just give it to me straight, please! there’s so many dam— _dang_ things everyone’s keeping from me.”

“nothing,” baekhyun spits. “well, nothing that strange. just that if sehun told you that he left to seoul on a business trip, you’ve been lied to. he always uses that excuse for everything,” he continues, laughing loudly when he sees chanyeol’s wide eyes. “what?! you actually believed him?! dear god, you’re more dense than i remember. what kind of business would a mechanic in a small town have to do in seoul, anyways?”

“wait, he came to see me?”

baekhyun nods. “yep. came to tell you about everything, but the company shooed him away and he’s never gone back. don’t tell me you seriously believed him? he’s a kid, first of all, and he lives here, miles out of seoul and there’s probably not a single automotive garage for regular people there! there’s mostly trains there. so obvious.”

chanyeol groans at the indirect insults being launched at him. “i don’t know, that’s why i believed him! i’m so dumb.”

“and that’s a fact i can’t deny,” baekhyun chimes cheerfully, breaking out into another fit of giggles when chanyeol’s eyes look at him what that ‘seriously?’ gaze. “hey, you said it first!”

“ugh. why do you have to be so honest, byun?” the taller groans.

“because that’s just how i am.” baekhyun flicks him across the forehead, and the pretty fingers sending a sharp pain through his skull don’t seem to bother chanyeol at all when he missed them too much.

chanyeol claps his hands, shaking his head to clear away the playful banter and sudden instinct to grab baekhyun’s hands from his mind. “so, is there anything else i haven’t been told? any more secrets that could possibly cause me to have a mental breakdown?” he notes that he needs to make somewhat of an effort to fall into course with his family while he carries on the conversation.

baekhyun’s eyes narrow in a calculative look for a moment before he comes to his conclusion. “ _nope_ ,” he retorts with a pop on the ‘p’. although he denied, his mind runs back to the fact that chanyeol is inquisitive about secrets while he hasn’t even told him about his hot new potential love interest, but he knows he can’t just come right out and say it right now when they’re almost completely civil with each other. he finds no good in ruining something that feels nice for now, so he decides to wait. just like how jinyoung can continue to stay in the dark about his ex and his son, both playing very vital roles in his life at the moment.

“and you’re sure?” chanyeol eyes him.

baekhyun pretends to think again for good measure. “yep!” he chirps conclusively. he turns to his son after realizing he hasn’t been completely focusing on him. “oh, look at that. a happy plate! even though most of it’s on your face. let’s get you washed up.”

with the help of the man across from him, he lifts the boy from the seat and its entrapments, opting to slip off the stained shirt on the boy. they shed him of his clothes before bringing him to the bathroom, chanyeol sauntering ahead for get the water at the ideal temperature for yejun after being informed for the billionth time since arriving home that the child has sensitive skin, so please watch how high it gets.

once baekhyun deems it worthy enough for his child of ‘royalty’, he places his son in the bathtub, watching with an proud smile as his toddler makes waves with splashing water.

chanyeol watches from the threshold, admiring baekhyun’s laugh as he gets soaked and as he doesn’t even reprimand yejun for such a disrespectful action, and he doesn’t mind it because it send waves of pride through every nerve in his body, the dopamine in his brain just bursts at how something so mundane could affect him so much that he’s beyond disorientation. he guesses that parents feel that way. he guesses that no matter how rude the venture is, they still struggle to find the need to punish their child, to discipline them. he sees baekhyun close his eyes all the time when he has to yell at the boy for doing something ill-advised, even though it’s a very rare occasion, and he knows it stings baekhyun’s heart, his conscience, his being when he has to do that.

the sense of gratitude for baekhyun stuns him every time he watches his ex-lover handle parenting like a pro, his heart just flutters with contentedness, high-frequented, immeasurable wave lengths of joviality; the passion in being a parent and seeing your offspring’s smile.

he enjoys this life.

“you can come in, you know,” baekhyun’s voice, thick with sarcasm, rips through the air and pulls him from his mental state of euphoria. “no one’s stopping you.” chanyeol nods, inferring that baekhyun is implying that he should come in. “what are you thinking about, huh? you stood there for practically a century and never once blinked.”

the taller’s saunters in and leans against the counter. he could literally sit on the thing due to the height of the vanity being up to his ass, but he decides not to because he deems that as ‘intrusive’ to the unfortunate, luckless bathroom appliance. “nothing, really,” he murmurs. “just about what i’m going to have for dinner tonight if sehun’s absent. the brat basically handed me all the responsibility in terms of his apartment and bills since i’m his new “roommate”. he said a mechanic’s job is decently profitable, but an idol’s is better, therefore it’s my job. i can’t get myself to say no to him.” that was a lie, but also not at the same time because he was really thinking about his family and what shit he has to settle with them, but his mind was filled with thoughts of how beautiful baekhyun looked, how he and yejun just fit together so much. like they’re two puzzles pieces who don’t even need the rest of the game to complete a masterpiece all in itself.

baekhyun laughs. “that sounds like him. he never passes up the opportunity to put his needs in everyone else’s hands.” it comes softly. chanyeol’s words were fundamentally hostile during his testimony against the crybaby, smartass they befriended when said boy was a mere freshmen, but that doesn’t mean he loves sehun any less than he his heart tells him to. the mechanic has not only provided shelter for him, but he consoled (although he was bitter at first) during rough times and, in the giant’s opinion, that’s the best kind of friend one could have. “he’s your best friend, though. you have to love him. you are obligated to always treasure what time you had with him.”

 _but you are my best friend too_ , the giant thinks bitingly. _i have to love you. won’t you let me love you? i’m obligated to treasure my time with you because i know you’ll find someone better than me for you. i hurt you too much, didn’t i?_

chanyeol straightens, shaking the words of his internal monologue away before they threaten to forcefully leave his mouth acrimoniously. “yeah,” he says. “you’re probably right. gotta love the kid.”

after baekhyun gets yejun cleaned up and his demeanor is no longer covered with the sauce of his lunch, they withdraw the child from the bathtub (with a little resistance and a few shouts of _no, papa! yejunnie wants bath!_ and _your fingers are shriveled, they’re like raisins now!_ , and he was finally out and clean, trying to pry the wrinkles away from the skin of his fingers as he mumbles ‘raisin fingers’ over and over again.)

chanyeol opted to let baekhyun take the boy to get dressed so he stays behind and cleans up the excess water from splashes in the bathtub, chuckling as he hears baekhyun persuade yejun into wearing his underwear as well as his clothes.

now that he’s done, he hesitates as he stalks down the narrow hall in the apartment, eyes scanning over the walls. he stops the look at the same pictures healways stops to look, framed photos hanging delicately on the walls.

his favorite photo is the one where baekhyun is with him. it’s baby yejun sitting up on his father’s lap and chanyeol assumes that it was the first time the child sat up and baekhyun just so happened to capture it on camera, probably because of kyungsoo. he’s beaming, the same dimple on the left cheek alongside a rectangular shape, a trait from each of them that chanyeol stops to admire every time he walks through the narrow corridor. it’s his favorite because it’s the only picture on the wall that actually has baekhyun beside his son on them. he loves it.

the other pictures are great too, of course, but that one just has a special place in his heart. there’s numerous images of yejun doing the regular, digitally-preserved moments for a baby, all moments he missed. there’s yejun with kyungsoo, not an unusual sight, and they’re just smiling like happy people do. chanyeol wonders where he was during all of it. well, he knew that—but he wants to know what he was doing at that exact moment, where he was, and what he was thinking.

while the picture of baekhyun and yejun marks his heart in inexpressible, incommunicable ways, the photo he always seems to wander back to the most is the one of his child after his birth, where it looks like his umbilical cord was just then cut and pinned, and he can’t seem to understand why he looks at it so much. maybe because it was a valuable moment in his son’s life that he missed, maybe it was because babies, now that he has one, have also just struck him differently, or maybe it’s because there’s no baekhyun and that’s what makes it slightly disappointing. don’t get him wrong, he would love to see all the videos and pictures of moment and memories he missed, but the moment this photo captured is not with baekhyun, not with the man who carried yejun for nine months, despite the immutable, unalterable broken heart that was hammering in his chest, against his ribs, reminding each and every square inch of his body that there was lingering pain much worse, far more inexplicable than the pain birth tormented him with. 

the baby in the photo, with the pin on its stomach ensuring its life, laying in the translucent cot as he’s being wiped of fluids, a gloved hand covering the family jewels from the camera, it just somehow feels so peculiar. he knows that the heartbeat of a carrier is like a lullaby to their child, they need it, it’s a way to keep them alive with the use of motherly instinct. he guesses baekhyun didn’t— _couldn’t_ —do that. and it was all because of him.

he imagines what it would all be like if his dream was never his dream. maybe he would have a family right now, the old baekhyun who didn’t assure him that they’re friends, and friends only, and maybe they would be living in a suburban home with a white-picket fence and chanyeol would have a job as an office worker or something—but the idea of having such a mundane job, living in neighborhood where life never seems to surprise you, not being what he wanted to be sounded so uncanny to him. but if life had ended that way, he would’ve had his son and the only person who ever seemed to truly support him, the person he left indefinitely shattered by the apparitions of time and heartbreak.

they weren’t even. they couldn’t ever end the way he wanted them to. he isn’t sure if it’s because he makes the wrong decisions, or because the world has some intense craving to watch him suffer. 

sighing with finality, chanyeol walks down the remaining part of the hall, back to the living room, where his son and his carrier are playing.

it seems the child is in a fit of intolerable laughter when he enters the room, and his grin returns instantaneously because the sight is just too beautiful to ignore, so he quickly pulls out his phone and captures the moment. it’s a memory he now has no chance of forgetting. because yejun just seems engaged in whatever happened that he just can’t stop giggling, it’s uncontrollable, even contagious. and baek just looks so incredibly stunning that it’s photo-worthy.

the two sitting in the room haven’t noticed him yet and he takes a few moments to observe.

“i love you so much, yejunnie,” baekhyun coos at his son, eyes sparkling with incalculable affection for his baby, the baby he gave life to. he had a decision to make. one of the hardest anyone could ever do, because it’s between the life or death of his child and he chose life, he chose to raise the boy. and he did it with love. “i love you more than you will ever know.”

the boy looks at him with bright eyes. “i wuv you, too,” his son replies.

“i love you more.”

“i love you...tree-tousand!” yejun remarks in signature infant gibberish.

baekhyun gapes. “i love you more than i’ve ever loved anyone or anything! you can’t compete with that.” he picks the baby up and tickles his side, his son erupting in shrieks. “i won!”

this is the only instance chanyeol will never feel bad hearing those words.

💎

chanyeol can remember autumn here, how the breeze has a bite to it, it nips at his skin and his epidermis just begs to be covered. the leaves fall gracefully, fluttering down and twisting around, every move done immaculately. the intricate veins on each leaf leaving some kind of welcoming feeling behind.

the autumn weather is most prominent in the landscaped part of the town, in the trees of the square where the leaflets age into decorations, like each plant is lit up with the vibrant colors of fall, decorating the trees and ground with their paints. where the river flows through the park and it’s cold enough to have one shivering. he would know. he and two other foolish skyscrapers (aka oh sehun and kim jongin) went diving into the stream, and came out evidently massacred by the brisk waters flowing over layers of bruising rocks. again, he speaks from experience.

his favorite part about fall here, however, is halloween. he spent all four years of high school fooling around with baekhyun and their friends, enraging parents for terrifying their children when they would pop out of the hallows like it was fun. they regretted it every year after being repeatedly beaten to the pulp of a group by angry mothers with sticks and sobbing children whose costumes were even frightening them. halloween was the best time of year in the town, in the streets they used to race through and laugh like life would never clap back at them for all they’ve committed. fall was the season they got to mess around and no one even cared because it was the month of the frights, the part of the year when rumors circulated of spirits and ghouls hiding in every dark corner. none of that was true, of course, it was all a game the whole town liked to play, but it stills sent shivers of adrenaline down his spine.

he is keen on being mesmerized by the colors that the heavens have dropped upon them, wondering what the sight of the colors adorning the ground all over town would look like from space. he is keen on staying focused on the beauty of it all while walking along the sidewalk instead of thinking about what business he must handle.

he doesn’t know what about the thought of his mother knowing about his own child before he ever did horrifies him the most, but he guesses that it’s just his conscience screaming at him while chiding him about his every mistake. he guesses it’s because it’s his mind telling him that if he had stayed, then he’d never have to speak to his parents about any of this. or maybe the absence was a good thing, because he didn’t have to sit through an entire talk about how much of a disappointment he was, how irresponsible he was, and then would probably be kicked out like baekhyun and they’d have to endure together.

he doesn’t know what makes his heart thrum in his chest loudly as his feet drag him up the steps leading to the door. his parents, his family, the people who resented him for being him, are just one knock away. all that could put everything to hell is just a thin piece of wood with a brass lock away from him.

his home looks exactly how it looked before, which was only a little more than two years ago. white siding that’s chipping slightly, the same neutrally stained shutters, the typical flamboyant flowers lining the home, making it look better than it felt on the inside. it all looks the same, yet he feels different coming here.

he hopes they’re home because he really can’t tell, the garage door is closed and it’s not like he can see through solids. he hopes they don’t end up being elusive. he has so many hopes, so much to talk about, and it’s all coming rushing to him at once.

he quickly and subconsciously raises his fist to the prickly wood of the door, to feel the rough wood beneath his knuckles again. he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, goes to knock, but the knock never sounds.

silence ensues.

then, “c-chanyeol?” his eyes fly open and he’s faced with a man he hasn’t seen in god knows how many years, one who looks at him with just as much stupefaction. he feels himself being embraced before he can even comprehend who answered in place of his mother. she was always the one who answered the door when he inhabited the house, his father always being deeply enmeshed in a football game of some kind, it didn’t even matter who the team was because he’s still watch it. “my s-son...” 

awkwardly, he shifts his long limbs to accommodate the position, not sure whether he should hug his father back or not. he came here to talk, he came here to make ends meet with them, and he expected to be thrown out again. not that that ever happened because he was the one to leave. “uh— hey, dad...?”

his heart starts again when he hears a faint _who is it, sweetheart?_ from the kitchen, which is exactly ten feet, two doors down from their location in front of the door. he honestly doesn’t know what to feel, because coming back after quite a while really replenishes some memories he’d rather forget than remember. he left this house for a reason, which was to fulfill his dreams without their input. he left this house to escape his overbearing family. now he just doesn’t know what to do with the things rushing back to him like the splashes of cold water kyungsoo used to launch at him when he zoned out in high school.

his father pulls away, but chanyeol can’t seem to get himself to look him in the eye in fear that it may be the first time he sees his father cry. “look how tall you are! how much have you grown since i last saw you?” but he isn’t paying attention because he sees his mother’s silhouette emerging from the kitchen, stopping in place as her eyes well with tears and he feels more miserable than before.

why did he ever think of coming here?

maybe to sort things out and, he doesn’t know, visit them? it’s been so long.

“you’re really here,” she gasps before she’s lunging at him, too. he’s in the middle of what a group of cavemen would call a cuddle pile, but it’s extremely uncomfortable for him. he doesn’t want to stand her and be embraced from all side, by two people who were a very significant reason for his abandonment. “oh my goodness, my boy. so tall, handsome—“

“can we talk?” he doesn’t even let her finish.

💎

the house is filled with the familiar scent of herbal tea. the couch is as soft as he can remember since he spent many nights downstairs on his own, reading about companies and everything revolving around them. the air is as tense as he can remember it to be. nothing has changed.

“here you go, love,” his mother whispers as she sets a cup of tea down on the table beside he her husband’s chair, then walking over and handing chanyeol a cup of coffee since he never really took a liking to her teas.

chanyeol sips from the cup, black coffee burning his mouth while souring it in a bitter flavor. he clears his throat. “we need to talk.”

his mother nods. “we do. but what would you like to talk about?”

chanyeol lets his eyes flutter closed, keeping his back straight in order not to falter in way of his parents’ eyes. “mom, i know you look at baekhyun at the store and i know what you’re thinking when you do it.”

“oh,” he hears in a soft voice. “i didn’t think he noticed.”

the giant nods. “he does,” he exhales. “he always does. he’s quite observant. he— his son...is my son,” his says quietly and slowly opens his eyes to document his parent’s reactions.

his father faces him incredulously. “you have a son?” the man exasperates. “a son? why didn’t we know about this?!” he spits, rising from his chair. his son, tired, buries his face in his hands. his father’s tone does not sit well with him.

“dad,” he groans. “ _i_ didn’t even know i have a son until just a few months ago. but you knew that already, didn’t you, mom?”

all eyes in the room shoot to the woman sitting mum with a cup of tea held up to her lips. she looks away, lowering her cup with shaky hands. “i-i had the idea that it was, you’re very recognizable, b-but i didn’t know. that’s the only reason i was staring. i hope i didn’t make him uncomfortable.”

“uncomfortable?” chanyeol seethes. “you made him uncomfortable the moment i had to go to him to get all the weight off my shoulders, mom!” he shouts, eyes red with fury. “throughout our entire relationship, i was emotionally constipated and he was my lifeline! i have a son now, and i may not be the most responsible person, but i’m sure as hell not making him feel the way you made me feel.” he sits back, slumping this time to relieve the tension in his body. maybe it’ll help his mind too. but it doesn’t.

his father massages his temples as his mother just looks away guiltily. he can’t tell if they’ve already realized that their treatment of him was what drove him from this place, what motivated him to leave it behind, or if they’re just doing it now. he can’t really tell anymore.

he was wrong. everything has changed.

“look,” mr. park begins. “when you left...we lost a lot of things. we lost you in particular, yoora left, and we realized that we lost ourselves along the way.”

chanyeol stares at them. “okay,” he replies nonchalantly. “but you tell me what the hell thats supposed to do to make up for lost time. i was your son, but i wasn’t your son. you wanted the perfect little boy with perfect hair, the perfect social life, the perfect _everything_! i wasn’t that kind of kid.”

his mother sighs shakily. “we know,” she murmurs. “we’re sorry, chanyeol, and we regret ever doing it to you now. we know it really affected you emotionally, we know it hurt you—“

chanyeol scoffs loudly. “do you?!” he booms. “i was a rebellious child with unruly hair, no friends, and i wanted to a music major, not a football major!” the giant chuckles bitterly. “but none of it satisfied you.”

mr. park cuts his son off before he can begin again, “it’s not that, really,” his father states. “we did it all for a reason. so you wouldn’t end up like us.” the man shrugs grimly.

park chanyeol shakes his head at his father, eyes gleaming with resentment. “i’m just going to ignore that statement. anyway—“

“no,” his mother interjects. “he’s right. your father and i were only doing what we thought was right.”

“but what you did wasn’t—“

his dad nods. " _wasn’t right_. we know. and we’re sorry. hear us out, son, let us explain, please?” his looks up hopefully, his son only grumbling in response. “your mother and i failed as parents. we failed as a couple, too. but it was because we were so young. our parents let us go young, handed us our bags and told us to do what we wanted.”

chanyeol glowers. “and what does this have to do with me?”

his mother plants a hand on his shoulder, telling him to calm down and be quiet. he actually listens, nodding his head to his father to continue whatever kind of ‘explanation’ this is. “your mother and i almost got divorced after we had you. you could ask yoora, she’d probably remember. we stayed together for you guys. but we realized soon enough that we would have two kids’ futures in our hands. it was nurture versus nature.”

his mother nods in agreement. “so we decided that we didn’t want you two to suffer the same fate.”

“and?” chanyeol inquires. “none of this is making sense. for all i know, you could be making up shit to convince me.”

“we’re not lying. this is real,” his mother affirms. “we married young. we had kids young. your father was an artist, sweetheart, an artist.” and the point is? “your life fell apart before it even started. we weren’t prepared. you and baekhyun were so deep in love. you loved music so much. you were so young. and you think we didn’t know you were having sex?” the son blushes, cheeks aflame in a bashful hue. “we knew this would happen. you were always a dreamer. just like we were. we were scared.”

chanyeol eventually begins to piece things together. his mind makes sense of the revelation. his parents were young and reckless. they ran off young, had yoora young, were poor and young, and overall, they failed while too young. he won’t ever understand why they really did it, what was the logic behind the whole arrangement, but he understands a little, teensy bit more. they did it because they saw he was young and in love, just like them; he had a dream and years ahead of him, just like him; he messed around as a teenager, just like them. they did it all to protect him and his sister.

“does it make sense now?” his mother opts to ask. “do you get why we did it?”

chanyeol looks up with watering eyes, nodding gently. “yeah,” he proclaims with a hitched breath. “yeah. i do.”

although the idea had logic, chanyeol doesn’t know, he doesn’t understand. years of feeling neglected have led him to this moment, to watch his parents’ faces fall. their expressions were his motives.

he doesn’t know a lot. he’s definitely even more clueless now. but he knows one thing; no matter how crazy he and baek’s lives ended up, he will never enforce it upon yejun. because that’s not right. it will never be.

learning from how his parents changed his life in a way that’s relatively unforgivable, chanyeol knows he won’t go about parenting that way. he’s a father now. he has been a father, just unknowingly. but now he has a chance, and he wants need memories to made, new things to be done together, new photographs to capture. this time, he wants to be in those photographs too. for baekhyun, for yejun, for their family.

well, whatever you want to call them.


	17. The Fundamentals of Dating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is easily one of my favorites but also one of my least. you'll have to find out why!! anyway, sorry if you notice an a/n at the bottom of any of the chapters, they're there because i come from aff (just to be clear, i am the author, this is JinYouKnow herself) and sometimes forget to erase them. my sincere apologies for those and my mistakes 😭

as if that face that lives on in memory, so strikingly bewitching, couldn’t get any more beautiful, chanyeol seems to prove himself wrong time and time again. baekhyun’s face looks better without being caked with makeup, with eyeliner absent from his already naturally highlighted glimmering orbs, with concealer gone from his clear skin. he never really needed any of those things to make him as gorgeous and eye-catching as he is now. chanyeol used to think that baekhyun could never be more beautiful in high school. all throughout the years when he longed for his best friend before it ever occurred to him that he was in love with him. he just thought that he carried some strange adoration for baekhyun, but he never thought it’d go to the extent that he would love him, that he would kiss him, be intimate with him, leave him, and then eventually find out about the child he never knew about for two years until now.

as if _hey, i can’t seem to find your number in my phone_ wasn’t stupid and cheesy enough, chanyeol could get worse. there were so many lovey-dovey things he’d like to say to baekhyun, like to tell him when he’d least expect it, but he cannot. he wishes he could press his lips against the sweet spot behind baekhyun’s ear because he knows where it is and exactly how he reacts when lips are touched to it. he knows exactly what baekhyun likes to hear be whispered in his ear as he’s being drilled into. he knows exactly the words that baekhyun wants to be told as he mouthes down his neck. he wishes he could just suck the sensitive skin again, tell him the words he wants to hear, pleasure all his sweet spots all over again—make him feel like he used to feel all over again.

as if chanyeol couldn’t love baekhyun anymore than he used to—and still does—, he continues to prove his own ideas wrong. every time he sees baekhyun beam at his son, his heart flutters. every time he hears his voice, his life gets just a little bit brighter. every time they are together, he plunges just a whole foot deeper into a pit. he finds himself falling in love all over again. he finds himself captivated by the same enchanting person he’s loved before, the only person he’s loved before. he’s only been in love once before and his heart doesn’t plan on abandoning that admiration for baekhyun. baek was his first, baek will be eternity. he’s head over _fucking_ heels in love with byun baekhyun—and there’s no joke about that.

if only the past wasn’t the past, baekhyun would still love him back. however, the past is the past and chanyeol can only build off of what he left behind, or lack thereof. for it wasn’t the big, immense details of their history together that left chanyeol blinded from a sea of surreal light, it was rather the occasions that most would deem as minutia he longed for the most. he wished that rewind could be an option on the imaginary remote controlling his life. he wishes he could go back to the times where small, so-called anticlimactic mornings and evenings in bed, wherever they could salvage to get away from their parents to just have a little time, were the best part of the day. it’s amazing how things could go from sublime, to downright hellish.

there has always been things park chanyeol has never known how to do, take dodgeball for example; he never understood any of it, where he was going, or why a bunch of his fellow classmates were throwing foam balls at him. he’s never understood the use of a semicolon and he doesn’t plan to find out because he likes living life the fun way, with things he will never quite fathom. only, love is one thing he has understood since the first time he experienced it. he learned that if you love someone, you would die for them, sacrifice every damn thing you own to help them, would pain yourself to make this person happy. he knew the meaning of love and all that surrounds it since the very first time his hands traced another person’s body—baekhyun’s body. he knew it was love the minute he heard the _i love you_ fall loosely from said boy’s lips and he whispered it back, not out of obligation, but out of genuine willingness.

however, one thing he’s always known how to do was love the things that blemished his heart in indescribable ways. he’s always known how to show others how he feels about them. whether it means writing a song for them, embarrassing himself beyond deciphering, or even eating a worm like he did for the person he thought he liked in kindergarten, he’s always known how to do it. it’s instinctual and not many people can say that.

but why can he only dream of ever confessing to byun baekhyun a fact that is obvious to the naked eye, but not baekhyun himself because he refuses to believe it? one thing about baekhyun that chanyeol knows best is that he can be the most obstinate being to ever have the honor of walking the earth. he knows the little man will get what he wants, and when he doesn’t, that’s when things are really, really shitty. baekhyun insists that whatever’s bothering him doesn’t exist until he pushes everyone else away in self-preservation. baekhyun would do anything to shuffle away the substandard things and rope in the satisfactory ones.

what’s really bad is that chanyeol spends his days and nights, days off and songwriting periods, conceptualizing an idyllic world that consists principally of their modest family and some others. he spends too much time visualizing a painting of them all together, a masterpiece that should be displayed upon a pedestal at the grandest of occasions, art so prestigious it would tower over all others because it was crafted by love. only, that’s impossible if he can’t even work up the nerve to tell baekhyun that the sentiment that once resided in his heart is still there, rent free. 

he was a coward since the very beginning. he still believes he is. he was depleted of all the bravery it took to even walk up to baekhyun and speak such words to him when they met. it no longer existed within him. he wonders sometimes how he could have even said something like that, he’s marveled by the fact that they even became friends after such a risky action, but look where they are. they’re parents. and still, he is stripped of all the intrepidity he once harbored and now he’s a blank canvas waiting for a splotch of paint to taint his being. he is a weakling in a dark world.

if he can’t fess up to his beloved about a simple thing, how can he ever protect them? how can he ever be a sufficient father to his son? how can he ever be an adequate lover to baekhyun? how can he ever be a passable family man and an ideal star? he can’t be. it’s that simple.

in the end, everything boils down to the same question that plagues his conscience on a daily basis; _which one?_ he wonders if baekhyun ever conjectures the same thing.

there is always the voice screaming at him that baekhyun was never his first love. it always tells him that, no, baekhyun came after the thing that embedded itself within his affections—that music happened before baekhyun ever came along.

if he recalls correctly, the first time he knew he wanted to become an idol was in the fifth grade. his mother had shoved him in the car and was persistent on having him learn how to play guitar, piano, whatever he could play that would get him off of the television. she never knew he would get this far. her and his father’s plans seemed to have been faulty by their own decisions, by allowing him to open his eyes to a completely new world of creativity.

from thereon, his mind was wrapped around the cords of a string instrument, then it was percussion, then it was woodwind, and lastly, it was brass. he learnt to feel music, not just hear it. he played until his fingers felt sore and very calloused to a concerning extent. music introduced him to a contemporary world where he was a mere novice, up until he wasn’t. up until he was learning instruments on his own without the lessons because his mother removed him from his classes with the excuse that it was a motherly decision—formulated from her maternal instincts. no matter how much she tried to pull him away from this new reality he lived in, she never could. it was implanted in his brain, and yes, his heart too.

music may have been his saving grace, his everything, but the moment a small boy marched into his life, everything changed. it was actually over music that they first bonded civilly. they communicated fondly. he fell in love like how the winter settles in, in the blink of an eye, before anyone saw it coming. love is unpredictable. however, love is not unreliable. he knows that if you love someone truly and sincerely, you will do obscene things, that is for sure. but that is how you know that it’s real love.

baekhyun showed him a whole new light, not contradictory to music, but this one was different. chanyeol knew from the moment he met baekhyun that he would love him unconditionally and that he couldn’t live without him. baekhyun was a spark in a sunless existence. baekhyun was the first star to shine brighter in his sky, the only star to ever dethrone the melody of song. music was notes on pages, chords to be struck and create beautiful noise, words to be sang that amaze even the unimpressed. while baekhyun was light in itself, a voice that chanyeol swears he could hear in heaven, a smile so stunning that it took his breath away, an existence so bold and conspicuous that he could only hold on tight and pray that no one ever threatens to take it away from him.

it’s not like he deserves baekhyun, he deserves anything except him. but he loves him. his heart beats for him. though, his heart shatters with every action he does for baekhyun. because that voice that was screaming at him, is still screaming at him, tells him that his efforts are a lost cause. they are going to no use. he will always end up on his own in the end. because those who hurt others always get the short end of the stick.

his love for baekhyun is unwarranted. he shouldn’t be trying, even. he was the one who left baekhyun with not even a letter left behind to tell him where he went, or why he went. he acted selfishly. he did the wrong thing, so why is he insisting that baekhyun never left his heart? he knows that baekhyun will never accept him back into his heart that is secured by walls of thick concrete, walls that aren’t to be vanquished.

it feels so right to be compartmentalizing the useless things he once prioritized, such as his job that would take him nowhere others than the frontlines of fame and social superiority, such as his grudges and rancor for himself only to realize that he can’t carry that extra weight while trying to improve himself, such as the idea that all good things come with the dreams he had initially because he learned that that was wrong the minute he fell asleep on his own for the first time in a while his first night in seoul.

but it feels so wrong to be doing everything for baekhyun and yejun without being considerate of the other people in his life. he was inconsiderate when he never actually gave a proper goodbye to his favorite person at the company, junmyeon. he is inconsiderate when he spends so much more time with his humble family than with sehun, a person who oh-so-courageously took him in and cleaned him up, placed bandaids over emotional wounds, despite being the younger of the two. he is inconsiderate as he leaves his fans waiting for something, someone to believe in and idolize. he is inconsiderate.

he must learn to have compromise between the things that matter in his life. he can start out small, perhaps by spending some time with his son individually.

so when his phone vibrates in his pocket and he sees a _hey, do you have any plans tonight? i need someone to watch yejun while i go out tonight._

that text might just be the start of it all.

💎

somewhere in between rationality and irrationality is byun baekhyun. his world, his universe, revolves around impulsive decisions and deliberate thoughts, however, none of it seems to pay off. because either way, something always seems to go wrong. he could take on step forward and end up ten steps back, he could go for three steps to the right to only end up a hundred steps left, and so long down the numeric spectrum he doesn’t want to think about. he’s out of high school and numbers shouldn’t have to be the only thing on his mind.

impulsive decisions that baekhyun has made in the past were ones that affected him for longer than he’d anticipated. ones such as kissing chanyeol back that one day in junior year, where he neglected the life of his son for a few good weeks, where he concluded that, yes, yejun deserved to know his father and everything about him, which led to the giant stumbling right back into his life. back into his soul.

deliberate thoughts, however, were rather uncommon amongst baekhyun. he crafted these decisions with conscientiousness, it wasn’t just an instinctual reaction or a subconscious one either. no, these ideas were ones he pondered on for days upon nights until he could make sense of all the consequences and such. few things that came from him were done when he had some kind of sense within him. the idea of distancing himself from chanyeol was one and he truly believes it was a good decision. but that doesn’t stop the taller from appearing in his dreams, from that face with the most beautiful and sparkly eyes were pleading for him to _just let him back in_. and then yet another instance occurred when baekhyun had to think on it. destroying the walls within would take some time, more from him than anyone else.

what’s currently occupying his deliberations at this moment is the thought of the text he received earlier today, at 8am. that time wouldn’t be weird if he hadn’t been half-asleep when he stumbled out of bed with a concealed squeal of excitement. it was a bad time of day, but it was enough to have him up and making a real breakfast for he and his son.

_hey, it’s jinyoung. we’ve been talking regularly for a while now, and i was wondering if, maybe, you’d want to go out with me tonight? maybe at 7? or whenever you’re available. text me asap._

and then he proceeded to rouse kyungsoo from a deep state of sleep with a phone call and _you won’t fucking believe this, soo!_ to which he responded with a _shut up, you loud bitch_ and then their entire conversation of profanities directed at one another purposely. turns out, baekhyun was calling him to figure out what to answer back. he just couldn’t figure it out. so then kyungsoo woke up jongin. and jongin, ever the natural flirt, had a whole lecture on how to flirt back because baekhyun got a little rusty after so long and, as jongin put it, the high school philanderer was applying the oil to loosen him up.

and it worked.

by 12pm, byun baekhyun had himself a date with lee jinyoung.

now, as he debates whether or not he should wear his earrings to said appointment, he’s stuck in his subconscious, stuck in between irrationality and rationality.

in his head, he iterates the fundamentals of dating in his mind. two years isn’t long for most people, but when you have a son like his own, it’s kind of difficult to remember.

1) conversation; don’t pressure him. stay alert for keywords that may catch your eyes, leading to more conversation. make eye contact. be respectful. as about hobbies, job, etc.

2) have fun; there’s no point in going on a date that doesn't appeal to your taste. if he’s boring, that’s no fun. if he’s rude, that’s a no-no. fun is superior.

3) always offer to pay; offer to pay until he objects, then insist more, then if he’s really a good date, he’ll insist again. in the end, go to pay, only to realize that he’s paid first.

4) stay aware; be careful of what you’re saying and when you’re saying it. context is a key point, but always stare tactful and make sure that what you are talking about is not a potentially sensitive topic, unless he brings it up first.

5) be gentlemanly; or let him be a gentleman, in baekhyun’s case. offer to take his coat if he’s ever in that situation.

6) don’t have the highest expectations; keep your expectation at a moderate level—be open and willing to listen. don’t have high hopes if it’s just a first date.

7) don’t expect a faultless person; everyone is special in their own way, everyone has their flaws and imperfections, but the least you can do is accept them and attempt to get to know them.

8) be truthful and respectful; tell each other the truth about things you feel comfortable discussing, don’t lie and don’t deceive.

9) take them home safely; offer to drive or walk them back home, attend their trip back home. don’t intrude, mind personal space, and make sure they get home safe. enter only if they allow you.

a mental checklist in his mind that he runs over sticks there. and he decides to wear his earrings.

💎

“baekhyun!” he hears from behind him. he just stepped out of his building after dropping yejun off with the boy’s father. he tries to forget chanyeol’s confused eyes when he explained that he was going out to do some business, to which chanyeol questioned him with the excuse that it’s never really business, and that he couldn’t deny. baekhyun just ended up vaguely admitting that he’s going out, however, he didn’t reveal with whom he was going with or where they were going. he pretended to have not seen those curious eyes sweep over him as finished arranging his clothes and the tiny little hairs escaping his strict hairstyle. chanyeol could assume all he wanted—baekhyun has friends, after all.

baekhyun turns around at the sound of the familiar voice resounding off the walls of the buildings alongside the sidewalk, noting it as slightly familiar after only hearing it once. “hi,” says baekhyun with a sweet smile as his tall date approaches him.

“yeah,” the tall man breathes. “you...you look great, baekhyun. absolutely beautiful,” jinyoung compliments, administrating a red tint upon baekhyun’s cheeks as his nimble fingers dance along his forearm nervously.

“t-thank you,” he stammers, grinning slightly. his eyes catch jinyoung’s and he freezes, captivated by the glint of light in the man’s eyes. “um, let’s go?” baekhyun asks, managing to look away before an unwanted memory of another man would be restored.

“yeah.” jinyoung steps back, hands gesturing to his car. it’s a nice car. it has a sleek black finish, freshly tinted windows that exclaim the streetlights, and there’s a little dent down in the bumper on the left side. baekhyun’s likes it. it’s almost perfect, but there’s always a little something left to be repaired. promptly, jinyoung opens the door of the passenger seat for baekhyun, stepping aside as if baekhyun is royalty and needs to be treated like it.

“thanks,” the father replies before his date closes the door and crosses to the other side.

when they arrive at the restaurant after minutes of small talk and some comfortable silence, jinyoung yet again greets baekhyun as if he’s the light of his life, despite barely knowing him. it makes baekhyun feel good. like he’s special. appreciated. and he hasn’t been treated that way in a long time. a long time ago was he acquainted with a man who he thought couldn’t ever get any better, but what he truly should’ve been thinking about was how that man could get any worse.

“have you been here before?” his date asks as they settle across from each other in the restaurant after ordering.

baekhyun nods shortly. “when i was in high school. i came here a lot. it’s been years, though. i don’t usually eat out either,” replies the father before he sips from his drink.

“this is actually my first time being here. i only moved here a few months ago, so i’m a bit of a novice to this town. do you mind enlightening me?”

the request strikes baekhyun differently. he remembers being the new kid once, but that was back when he was in high school and was surrounded by the biggest idiots he’s ever set his eyes on. he remembers being a new person to dating—he’d never experienced it. he remembers being an amateur to relationship, despite wanting to feel what it would be like. he remembers being an unadulterated boy, one who had never opened his legs to another person once in his lifetime. but many years ago, starting in freshmen year, all that changed like a light switch had suddenly been flipped and everything was lit up, he was no longer faced with the darkness. until he was again. he really hopes that the past doesn’t recreate itself.

with a breathy laugh, baekhyun gives a firm nod before saying, “of course. i’m not originally from here either. i moved here when i was 14. i’d be glad to show you this place. but i must tell you that there’s not much to see.”

jinyoung smiles. “i don’t mind.”

“that’s good,” the father says when the waitress approaches them with a tray in hand, marching over to place and differentiate their meals among them. “so, jinyoung, tell me, what do you do for a hobby?”

it's not like they haven't talked about this before over text, but jinyoung told him that he wanted to tell him over a _real_ date where they; 1) create conversation.

the man looks up from his food, taking the time to set his silverware down on the napkin beside his plate. “i’m, uh—i guess you could call me an author.”

baekhyun’s eyes widened and he immediately wondered if he was talking to a famous man. it would make sense; the dark clothing that was deemed as inconspicuous despite being anything but, the fashion, the car, the grammatical correctness. “seriously?”

jinyoung chuckles awkwardly. “well, i’m not exactly an author, but i’m a book editor. i edit books for a living. however, i am writing my own book. i’m halfway through, actually. i guess you could say that’s my hobby.”

baekhyun feels slightly relieved at the statement. he once dated a dreamer, a sentimentalist so caught up in an unrealistic game that he wandered off into a sick world, a dark universe than shines no light upon what lives in the corners of the world—it only survives on the feedings of a fantasist's mind.

“oh,” the father says cheerfully. “then congratulations. i hope to read it one day.”

“if i finish it, that is,” his date chuckles almost bitterly.

“what do you mean?” baekhyun’s eyebrows furrow. “i’m positive you can do it. from what i know about you, you work hard.”

the man across from him smiles handsomely. “thanks, baekhyun. but i guess i’m just really nervous about not getting it done. i don’t really have a lot of time to spare.”

“me neither,” baekhyun admits.

“so what’s yours?”

“my what?”

“your, you know, hobby.”

baekhyun groans. “i don’t have time for hobbies. i have—“ he pauses and catches himself before the words can snake out his lips, until into thin air like the smoke of cigarette just ready to infect whoever is in its path. “i have several jobs that i prioritize. i’m a workaholic in every sense of word.”

“ah,” jinyoung replies with raised eyebrows. “so your hobby would be, what, sleeping after your shifts? getting whatever time in you could just to wake up and submerge yourself with caffeine all over again?” he jokes.

baekhyun laughs because it’s true that you could apply the statement to him some ways, not others. he spends time at his job, with his son, cleaning his house, with his ex-boyfriend, aka father of his son—and at the end of the day, he gets in whatever sleep he can and infests himself with coffee the morning after. his schedule is truly exhausting.

2) have fun.

“yeah.” he clears his throat. “yeah, i guess you could say that.”

“does that mean you have plenty of money to pay for this date?” jinyoung mutters, hands wandering down his thighs to feel around for his wallet. “because i don’t.”

“wait, what?”

jinyoung sighs. “i think i left my wallet at home.”

“are you sure? it might just be in your car—“

“there’s no way it’s in my car,” jinyoung denies. “i’d never leave it in my car. that’s the last place it would ever be. but you work a ton of jobs, you must have money, right?”

 _is this man kidding_? baekhyun wonders as he stares incredulously at the man in front of him. his eyes are wide, his mouth in the formation of an O, his eyebrows raised to their limits as his face becomes red with anger.

“excuse me?” he exclaims. “i work a bunch of jobs because i don’t have money. i’m a workaholic for a reason”—it’s a lie, but it’s true enough—“and you want me to pay for this meal?! you asked me out—“

“baekhyun!” jinyoung intervenes, raising his hands in a motion of surrender with his wallet in hand. “chill. i was only joking. no need to freak out.”

baekhyun gapes. “are you kidding me—i’m gonna kill you! i just embarrassed myself!” he leans back into his seat, hands covering his face as he feels the anger die down and embarrassment creeping in.

barely, but 3) offer to pay.

“alright, let’s get out of here,” jinyoung days as he hands the waitress the money. they exit the restaurant and jinyoung offers to walk for a while.

“i hope you enjoyed the food. it’s...been a while since i’ve been out with anyone, you know?” his date says as they walk down the sidewalk, enjoying this part of town.

baekhyun sighs. “me too.” however, he didn’t know that jinyoung had much experience in the world of dating before. he knew the man is a few years older, 25, but he didn’t know how much background he has in that domain.

“i...uh, i—i’ve had my fair share of relationships, but i just wanted you to know before we walk into anything, baekhyun, that i’ve been married before.” that, he didn’t know. “my wife...died and it’s been a long time, baekhyun, so if this ever evolves into something more—if it will—, i just want you to be aware that i have some problems.”

baekhyun nods, taking it in. he hasn’t ever encountered someone who seems to have lost someone at so young before, but he guess that he’s young, really young, and anything can happen when you’re young.

“i’m so sorry,” baekhyun says solemnly. “i also have some...issues, whatever you want to call them. but i’m not ready to share them right now, if that’s okay. i just need some time.”

“of course.” jinyoung’s indifferent expressions morphs into an understand smile that baekhyun’s rather thankful for. “take your time. this is only the first date.”

4) be aware of what you’re talking about and if it’s sensitive or not.

suddenly, baekhyun feels a slight chill. he regrets not wearing a coat, but the weather was considerably nice today, so he decided not to wear one. now he’s displeased with that idea.

“oh, are you cold?” jinyoung asks, hastily shedding his coat before laying it across baekhyun’s shoulders.

baekhyun blushes. “uh, thank you so much.”

5) be gentlemanly.

damn, this man fits all his standards, or maybe the few he has at the top of his mental checklist. and hell, maybe that’s okay.

because as baekhyun looks at up the man who’s only just slightly shorter than chanyeol—not that he should be the center of baekhyun’s attention—he feels that his mind can be distracted for a minute. he won’t be plagued with the idea that the world is against him. two years was enough to ruin everything.

everything fits his standards—the fundamentals of dating.

but who established these standards? none other than park chanyeol. 


	18. Risky Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little bit of 18+ content here in the flashback, so heed my warning!! sorry for any mistakes!!

“you look beautiful, baekhyun.”

said boy smiles up at his boyfriend, admiring how his eyes are bright with enthusiasm, how his lips curl into the most beautiful smile, how his hair, despite much effort to tame it, is just as untamed as ever. “thank you.”

“so beautiful that if i didn’t have the right mind not to, i would devour you right here, right now. right in the hallway of your home, where your parents and everyone in your neighborhood can watch and be jealous that their sex life isn’t as good as ours,” chanyeol teasingly whispers, enjoying the blush that spreads across baekhyun’s cheeks in beautiful waves of crimson. “they’d be so jealous.”

baekhyun, although flustered, shakes his head and exhales with amusement. “alright, you exhibitionist. can’t believe you kiss your mother with that mouth.”

chanyeol’s nose scrunches. “i don’t want to think of my mom when we’re talking about our sex life here. that’s downright disgusting.”

baekhyun laughs. “then maybe, if you stepped away from my front door and let us go on our planned date, we won’t be thinking about that.” then he shoves chanyeol by his shoulder and grabs his wrist, leading him out of his home while shutting the door behind him. “thanks to you, we’re going to be late.” 

“we’re not going to be late,” chanyeol challenges confidently. “there’s not reservations at a diner in the middle of nowhere, baek. they only do that in the city.” chanyeol opens the door for his boyfriend, letting the smaller settle in the passenger seat with a soft smile.

he turns the key in the ignition when he himself settles in the drivers seat, throwing a quick glance over at his beloved to admire how effortlessly beautiful someone can be before he looks away and the guilty feeling settles in.

no one knew. no one was to know. baekhyun, his parents, yoora, sehun, or kyungsoo, _no one_ had to know that he has a trunk full of luggage currently. it hurt to know this would possibly be the very last time he saw that irresistible face if he made it big enough, if he stood upon that stage with eyes on him as he poured his heart out with passionate lyrics that came from the soul.

he only received the acceptance letter last week. after a short trip to seoul that no one knew about, chanyeol scored himself a spot in the biggest, most popular entertainment company in south korea; sm entertainment. everything was perfect, nothing was out of place—except the temptation to tell baekhyun and his family where he was going and why he would gone for, most likely, forever. but no one could know. his emotions would hold him back from pursuing a dream that has lived within him for who knows how long. he couldn’t have that.

“do you ever think about going to the city, yeol?” baekhyun says suddenly as he leans his forehead against the cold glass of the window, watching the exterior world pass by foot by foot, second by tantalizing second.

chanyeol hesitates, the question striking a chord in him. “uh...yeah. sometimes.” he decides there is no denying what is so ultimately obvious. “do you, baek?”

baekhyun’s breath leaves a spot of fog on the window as he laughs a little. “yeah. with the big buildings and all. i wonder what it would be like to ride a train, much less drive one. it must be amazing, wouldn’t you think?” the boy exclaims with those gorgeous dark eyes blown wide at the idea.

chanyeol nods silently. “of course.”

as they arrive at the diner, they walk hand in hand into the restaurant, taking in the smell of food wafting through the air. the food here is better than it looks. it’s not much, really, it’s just a small business in a nowhere town—but it means something to them. they know everything on the menu, baekhyun especially since he works here.

“hey,” the usual waiter, jongdae, saunters up to the table with a cheshire grin. “not surprised to see you two losers here, what’s the occasion this time, huh? a new gig?” chanyeol rolls his eyes at the indirect insult, knowing he’s getting nowhere with the talent he yields.

“ha ha,” he drawls. “actually, it’s date night. you should know by now.”

the waiter scoffs. “yeah, i was just teasing you. no need to be so sensitive, park. anyways, what can i get you guys? oh—wait. i already know,” jongdae says when he sees the couple begin to speak. “double house salads, no cucumbers. two hamburgers, both all the way. i got you guys.”

baekhyun giggles. “so you’re not as forgetful as we’ve made you out to be.”

“nope,” jongdae replies. “you two shitheads aren’t as original as you think. i’ll be right back with your food,” the midget says and teasingly sticks out his tongue, then walks away to go do who knows what behind the counter with minseok.

it was only minutes of small talk and flirtatious smiles later that their food inhabited their table, exactly how they had ordered too many times before. it was minseok was brought them their food this time with the excuse that jongdae couldn’t bear seeing them be all lovey-dovey with each other at his work.

“he’s such an idiot,” chanyeol mutters as they dig into their food. they never get tired of indulging in the same thing over again because it makes them relive the first date, and the so many that followed suit in writing the novel of their grand love story.

baekhyun hums. “yes, but we love him, no? minseok too. they know exactly what we like.”

the taller can’t help but agree seeing that kind smile on his lover’s face, his pink lips pulled into the most beautiful grin. he watches the way the elder smiles at the taste of his meal, how his eyes contort into crescents, how his auburn hair is so perfectly neat and styled across his forehead, and how that little mole by his upper lip sticks out so amazingly like a sore thumb despite being so tiny.

“what do you want to do tonight, baby?” chanyeol asks after finishing off his meal, wiping his mouth under baekhyun’s command. “we always do something after dinner. just because high school’s over doesn’t mean we still aren’t kids.”

“i don’t know. i miss it, you know? we’ve been out for almost two years and yet, i still find myself nostalgic,” baekhyun replies reminiscently.

chanyeol sighs. “i know. there’s a lot to miss. i can’t believe jongin and kyungsoo already got married.”

the shorter nods and looks his boyfriend in the eyes. “they’re whipped. they have been whipped since day fucking one. i envy them.”

chanyeol freezes. “what do you mean?”

“nothing,” the smaller denies with a shake of his head and tight smile on his lips.

“no,” the giant persists. “i want to know what you mean. what do we lack that they don’t?”

“chanyeol...” baekhyun trails off. “do we have to do this right now?”

“well, i don’t know, do we? you were the one that brought it up, no? i’m not going to be mad. i just want to understand what you mean.”

baekhyun sighs exasperatedly. “all i meant is that they’re different yet so perfect, you know? kyungsoo’s the cliché nerd and jongin’s the overworked jock. they fell in love so perfectly. like as quick as the snap of a finger.”

“are you suggesting that we aren’t—“

“no!” baekhyun quickly interjects. “i’m not saying that. it’s just that...it took a while, you know?”

chanyeol sighs in reply, knowing what he means. it took too long. and, guiltily, he knows it will end too shortly.

“i know. let’s go home, eh?” he hastily pays and they leave, the taller eager to leave behind the toxic ambiance that baekhyun is fortunately unaware of.

the drive to baekhyun’s house is silent, the tension in chanyeol’s car heavy with disappointment and established fury. baekhyun’s heart is limp with the idea that chanyeol is angry at him over his truthful confession. he wasn’t lying when he admitted it to chanyeol, it’s complete honesty from the bottom of his heart, but he sort of regrets it now while knowing that chanyeol doesn’t feel the same.

chanyeol’s heart is racing with the idea that baekhyun is dissatisfied with their relationship, and also with the thought that baekhyun sees them spiraling out into oblivion while their friends are still thriving. little does baekhyun know that shit’s about to get ten times worse. because when baekhyun wakes up tomorrow morning, he will have a whole wave of confusion and anger and sadness hit him like a rock in the face. the world is about to go down around baekhyun, his walls are going to fall again, and he will never expect it.

chanyeol hates himself. but his dreams will never come true if he can’t learn to let go.

arriving in front of the smaller’s home, chanyeol twists the key in the ignition, halting all movements.

no one speaks. everything is eerily silent.

“chanyeol,” baekhyun says suddenly. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it. okay? i’m sorry. please don’t be angry at me,” he pleads wistfully.

chanyeol turns to him and relents with a sigh. “baekhyun, it’s okay—“

“no, it’s not. it wasn’t right of me to say that on our date. i’m not envious of them, alright? there’s just times i wish...we weren’t exactly the same, you know?” 

“baby, it’s okay—“

“i love you, chanyeol. so much. okay? so damn much. and i’ll never be tired of you.”

chanyeol stares at him, dumbfounded. “i don’t doubt that.”

“well, i just wanted to remind you that you are mine. i am yours. i love you so much. i can’t live without and i want to marry you, baby. i want to be yours,” the smaller says wholeheartedly with tears brimming in his eyes, tears that chanyeol wishes to do nothing more than wipe away. they’re tears he won’t be able to wipe away much longer.

“i love you, too. but you’re making this so hard for me...” he trails off, eyes searching baekhyun’s with a longing look.

baekhyun narrows his eyes at him. “making what so ha—hmmmm.” he’s cut off by a big, fat kiss on his lips by his larger boyfriend. it’s not longer before he’s dragged into the taller’s lap by monstrous hands on his hips, clutching the soft flesh to somehow pull them closer together.

“shut up, baby,” the taller says in between kisses. “just shut up. i want to make love to you.”

he kisses him again, tongue and all, baekhyun’s pretty hands snaking around the back of his neck to just get further, and further, until there’s nowhere else to go and their just stuck in that void of contentment.

chanyeol detaches from his swollen pink lips, letting his own press a kiss on the side of baek’s lips, his cheek, trailing down his jawline, until they relocate themselves amongst the unblemished skin of baekhyun’s neck, eliciting a lewd but passionate moan from the smaller.

“c-chanyeol—ugh, if w-we’re going to this, then at least take me inside. m-mom and dad are out.”

the taller wraps his hands around the thick muscle of baekhyun’s thighs, and he’s quick to lift him up and out of the car, for the whole neighborhood to see and hopefully enjoy. he secures the smaller’s thighs around his waist, the motivation to feel each other being the electricity between their touches.

the front door is barely opened as they slip through, slamming in behind them. chanyeol pushes the smaller against the wall, the latter’s head falling back against the surface as the taller suckles at the skin of his neck. his breath ghosts over baekhyun’s clavicle, sending shivers down his spine.

“b-bedroom, please.”

with much struggle and many shrieks of _don’t you dare drop me!_ , they finally make their way into baekhyun’s bedroom, assured that the door is locked and there’s no chance that said boy’s parents will discover their unholy activities if they arrive home unexpectedly.

“do you know what you do to me, baby?” chanyeol whispers huskily against baekhyun’s collarbones. his deep voice, even deeper with indisputable arousal. “you do so many things. you make it so hard, you make me so hard.” he grinds their crotches against each other, the material of their pants causing gratifying friction.

“c-chanyeol, i need you. now—“ he moans out when large hands slip under the fabric of his shirt, running over his sensitive nipples. “s-shit.”

the taller pushes baekhyun’s shirt up until it’s scrunched around his underarms. but his lips are planting themselves upon the pale skin of baekhyun’s taut stomach, traveling from his navel to the valley between his nipples. although he wants to stop there, he continues his journey upwards.

he kisses baekhyun with fervor, so passionate it blows him away. the taller reaches down and fumbles with baekhyun’s jeans, the button causing him to growl deeply.

finally breaking through those restraints, chanyeol gets them unbuttoned, then tries with great devotion to pull them down from their spot of hugging baekhyun’s thighs delectably.

“can’t wait to get these damn things off of you, baby,” he grits out. baekhyun is finally released from those enticing skin-tight pants that chanyeol wishes to do nothing more than rip off of him, expose those thick thighs that make his mouth water.

baekhyun moans when chanyeol pulls way from their fervent kisses with a tug on his bottom lip. the taller leans down to suck at the milky skin of his thighs, admiring it all from his view. “p-please hurry. i n-need you in me—ah!”

chanyeol suckles earnestly at the inside of his spread legs, lips getting closer, and closer, and closer to his final destination with every kiss and sinful inch upwards. “hold on, baby.”

“n-no, please! chanyeol, now!” he sobs with need.

finally deciding to comply, chanyeol pulls way from the now red and bruised skin, adoring his art as his eyes travel up baekhyun’s body until they reach his eyes, gazing at him with pure love and compassion, filled with need and desire.

quickly, chanyeol pulls his shirt over his heads, watching baekhyun’s eyes as they dance over his torso and the flat skin of it. he, with haste, jerks off his pants to only remain in boxer-briefs alongside baekhyun. he reaches over into the smaller’s bedside table for the tube of lube he knows resides there.

“i’ll be fast, baby,” he says and leans down to press a wet kiss to baekhyun’s lips. the taller pulls down baekhyun’s boxer’s, exposing his member. it’s an angry red at the tip, begging to be pleasured by none other than chanyeol, just begging for release.

he lathers his fingers in the cold, translucent substance and makes sure to be careful as his fingers circle baekhyun’s rim before two digits enter him at once, driving a desperate cry out of the smaller. “oh god, p-please!” baekhyun shouts as two thick fingers work him open to accommodate his boyfriend.

it feels like it’s been so long and now he’s so bare. it’s all for chanyeol, though; everything is for chanyeol. his heart inside him beats for chanyeol. his lips form smiles for chanyeol. his body accepts him unconditionally, all for chanyeol. he’s in deep shit now.

soon enough, three fingers reside inside him, tight walls constricting around them with desperation. blunt fingernails trail over the velvety embankments, prodding at his prostate with every given chance.

“f-fuck, just put it in me!”

and chanyeol obeys, reaching for the bottle of lube resting beside baekhyun’s hip. he spreads it over his dick, completely covering it to help baekhyun feel more comfortable and make the whole process less painful.

baekhyun cries out when he feels the tip pressure his entrance, the waterworks begging to come raining down if he doesn’t get filled soon enough. but before they do, chanyeol is in him, filling him up with every inch of his appendage.

“so full...” the smaller trails off while his hands travel to the taller’s shoulders, a deadly grip planted there. after a few minutes of waiting for his body to adjust, baekhyun finally says, “y-you can move.” and so he does.

he starts out of gentle thrusts, which are enough to make baekhyun throw his head back in pleasure and attempt to find purchase on the younger’s back, resulting in ribbons of red running down it. he moans loudly and unabashedly.

chanyeol’s thrusts get harder, so much harder that his hips snap down violently against baekhyun’s, the spread legs allowing him to get deeper. he grunts when the sound of skin slapping resounds through the air, knowing it’s his balls hitting the curve of the elder’s ass. it makes him aware that he won’t last long, and evidently, neither will baekhyun.

he rolls his hips harder and faster at every chant to do so, feeling the heat and wetness of baekhyun engulf him shamelessly in such a tight hold.

“oh my...fuck!” baekhyun screams as the very tip chanyeol’s dick pushes at his prostate relentlessly, generating an entirely new kind of pleasure from inside him. it lights up his insides, makes the tightening in his gut pull tighter and tighter like a drawstring, causes his head to spin with euphoria, and before he knows it, he screaming for release. he’s scratching at every rigid muscle on the giant’s back he can handle. he’s begging for more, for more, for more...

he comes in between their stomachs, staining the both of them. chanyeol continues his ministrations regardless, hips just getting quicker and quicker while baekhyun whimpers with oversensitivity. he tightens around chanyeol, locking his appendage in that sinfully tight grip that makes him want to cry out in both lust and frustration.

the vice grip around his dick as his thrusts continue gets so tight that it triggers his orgasm, gut twisting and balls tightening. he’s releasing in baekhyun before he knows it, the warm liquid eliciting a lewd moan from him at the warmth. chanyeol pulls out with a salacious squelch and collapses beside baekhyun on his bed, covered in both of their sweat. his come leaks out of baekhyun’s entrance but neither regard it as they’re too tired to.

“i love you so much, baby,” chanyeol whispers in his beloved’s ear and pulls his closer. “you are so amazing. i’ll never stop loving you.”

baekhyun nods with a quiet _i love you, too, my giant_ , as he drifts off. chanyeol pulls the covers over both of them, ignoring how their semen feels as it’s drying between their bond.

chanyeol falls asleep feeling heavy with self-loathing.

baekhyun falls asleep with no idea what tomorrow will hold.

they fall asleep together after making love.

they fall asleep without realizing that they never used a condom.

they fall asleep without knowing who will enter their lives next.

💎

that memory runs through chanyeol’s mind like it happened just yesterday. yesterday, he was making to love to baekhyun with the most passion anyone has ever yielded.

that was the night before he left. the last night he felt baekhyun in his embrace.

now baekhyun is in another embrace. apparently, baekhyun thinks he’s dumb enough to believe that his vague answers were believable. that chanyeol totally didn’t see him texting whoever for virtually the whole day. as a young man who’s been in love and never fell out of it, he can read that look like an open book.

baekhyun is going out with someone else.

baekhyun is happy with someone else.

chanyeol acknowledges that his jealousy is unwarranted. his envy is not justifiable because who is he to suddenly return back to his hometown and demand the only person he’s ever loved back into his grasp when he was the one who abandoned him in the first place?

chanyeol has ultimately no right to be jealous of whoever this lucky stranger is to have drawn baekhyun in by his heartstrings, but he hopes they know that they’re fortunate enough to call him their own. or maybe not, he doesn’t know.

perhaps this isn’t jealousy. perhaps this stems from something deeper within chanyeol. perhaps his guilt? or maybe it’s that fact that he saw this coming. it’s the self-consciousness in him that really tells him at moments like these that _he’s too good for you_ and _you were the one that left him in the first place._ perhaps it’s the idea that baekhyun’s found someone possibly more suitable for him than chanyeol ever was that washes over him bitterly.

he’s not sure.

jealousy, or self-consciousness?

he cannot provide the answers his subconscious asks for. he cannot simply answer himself back when he still doesn’t know the real answer to that question.

many will wonder; is this what a man in love looks like?

no, actually. this is a man who gave up love for his own selfish wants and cruelly left someone behind to pick up the mess for him. this is not a man in love, but a man who lost his love and is now in search of such a crucial thing. this is a man, a cowardly man, who watches as the world he tore apart slowly begins to build itself up again until it’s thriving—a beautiful rose garden that was once plagued with thorns, all snipped away to reveal to beauty in things well-hidden by sin.

baekhyun is quite possibly the most captivating person to walk the earth, in chanyeol’s eyes. but of course, that varies in the perspective of every person who carries a taste and preference of their own. beauty is subjective, however, not in baekhyun’s case. even the blind can declare him utterly prepossessing. even the deaf can say his voice has the richest undertone to contradict what venomous things must leave his mouth. even the dumbest of dumb can recognize the difference between what seems to be feigned beauty and what is natural.

why must it be so hard to watch baekhyun revive the shattered pieces within him?

why must it pain him to see his beloved happy in somewhat of a relationship when he wishes to do nothing but make him happy?

why must love hurt, and why does it suddenly feel that way?

baekhyun’s found someone better; his second chance. the world is suddenly muted for chanyeol and in his mind, the only thing he can see is the tears falling from those eyes as it just felt so good, to hold each other and know that, _hey, i’m here for you and i love you more than anyone or anything i know._ back to the days where that’s what happened and what they shared wasn’t just short glances and slight smiles. what they shared were hugs and kisses, not pain and secrets.

but chanyeol soon must face his reality, that he’s sitting here in baekhyun’s living room while yejun is asleep in the nursery and baekhyun’s still texting whoever with a smile on his face, _that beautiful smile_ , and he’s thinking about a man he can no longer have because of his own mistakes.

there will never be the chance to go back, only to chance to step forward.

the world will never make sense to chanyeol. why we want things so much, yet we give them up when we become disinterested. how we love so much and so easily, yet love hurts like hell. when touch feels good for a fraction of a second before it disappears before your eyes. where the universe meets in the cracks of things, the faults, the things we learn from, yet it pours salt on the wound.

not a day goes by where it doesn’t occur to chanyeol the life he could’ve had if fate hadn’t stricken him. he could’ve spent every night with baekhyun like that night that replays like a movie in his thoughts. not a day goes by where it doesn’t occur to him all that he lost and all that he’ll never get back.

just like baekhyun told him at least two months ago, he broke his promise. now he’ll never be able to make that up again.

or maybe he can.

who knows? fate decides itself. it works around the cracks and edges, drifts over the cliffs and trenches, shifts around the potholes and speed bumps.

fate decides itself. a dejected chanyeol doesn’t.

but he doesn’t think so as baekhyun pulls on his jacket in front of the door, mumbling to him that _he’ll be right back and it won’t be long._

if only chanyeol could’ve said the same thing to baekhyun. because he knows that baekhyun comes back every time, he sticks around for the well-being of others. but chanyeol doesn’t. because chanyeol doesn’t belong.

once again, fate decides itself. a dejected chanyeol does not.

💎

“i don’t understand, baekhyun,” jinyoung starts. “how are you still single?”

the younger male laughs, his shoulders shaking like usual, but he doesn’t feel that way inside. “i don’t know. i guess that it’s just been too long.”

“you’re only 22, you have your whole life ahead of you.”

that’s more than true. baekhyun had the option of going to college and everything, but being 20 and pregnant with a missing boyfriend was not an option for a depressed and unsuccessful half-adult who felt like his whole world was just hanging on by a string. he still has his whole life ahead of him. perhaps he can go to college once yejun gets old enough to go to school on his own. maybe if money isn’t as tight then as it now, he can actually fulfill his education and make something out of himself.

“and you’re only 25, you still have your whole life ahead of you. i’m not the only one.” the sit in silence, the crisp air of autumn creeping through the ajar windows of the elder’s home. “um...if you don’t mind, tell me more about your wife.”

jinyoung sighs. “there’s a lot to tell, but i’d be glad to tell you about her. she....she was beautiful. almost perfect. we married right out of high school—“ and at that, baekhyun thinks back on attending his best friend’s wedding, right out of high school, young and naïve, yet still so passionately in love.

“i swore i was going to give everything to her. everything she ever wanted or asked for.” he begins to feel guilty for asking when he sees the tears that rolls down jinyoung’s cheek, slowly wandering down until it falls into oblivion. “i had this idea...that if i worked hard and tirelessly, i would be able to give it all to her. so i worked hard. i was exerting from three in the morning until an extremely late time everyday. and i worked so much that i missed the fact that the color was disappearing from her eyes and that she was getting sick. that’s why i’m only starting my book now. i couldn’t start it then. i worked so hard to become an editor because that was what i’m good at.”

“s-sick?” baekhyun stammers. it’s the only word that he can manage to say without fearing that he will trigger some affronted reaction.

jinyoung stays stoic, his hands fidgeting within his hoodie’s pockets. “y-yeah. i failed to notice that my everything was falling apart every day i wasn’t there to be with her. and...about a month after we discovered her illness, we found out that she was...pregnant.”—pregnant. a word that everyone in baekhyun’s life seems to use too much and it just feels like the word is zeroing in on him. baekhyun was pregnant. kyungsoo was pregnant. hell, even taeyong was pregnant. jinyoung and his wife were pregnant. “the doctors said she and the babies wouldn’t last, not with her terminal illness. but nine months later, my children entered my life. but my wife was taken out. she died during birth.”

baekhyun gapes. “i’m so sorry,” he says sincerely. “i really shouldn’t have asked about her. that was insensitive of me.” his heart beats with the fear that he upset jinyoung, but also with the alleviation of his worries about children. he has his own child, but so does jinyoung.

“no,” jinyoung replies. “you shouldn’t feel bad about asking me. it’s nice to get that off my chest sometimes, you know? it just feels like it’s weighing me down.”

“so, your children? what are they like?”

the elder smiles. “they’re just as beautiful as their mother. two girls. twins. one is named hana while the other is named hanuel. they’re everything to me.” the way he talks about his children inspires baekhyun to want to tell jinyoung about his own, about the boy who lights up his life.

“how old are they?”

“four,” he breathes out with a smile. “four, and they complete me, you know? you probably don’t know. but they’re so perfect, honestly.”

baekhyun smiles sheepishly. “do you ever wonder if people do know the way you feel? like, they know the struggles of...whatever you’re going through?”

“what do you mean?” the way jinyoung has this look of utter confusion on his face leaves baekhyun deciding it’s not time yet. no, not yet. because he’s just getting into something.

“uh, never mind. forget i just said anything.”

jinyoung casts him a strange glance, but shrugs, probably going home to think on it before figuring it out—or maybe he’s not as thoughtful as chanyeol is when it comes to figuring out what baekhyun says. he doesn’t know jinyoung yet, but he knows chanyeol, who is the only person he’s ever fallen for, and all he can do is compare the two when he shouldn’t.

jinyoung is different than chanyeol, and he knows this, despite not being closer with the elder yet. the two have staggering differences.

“you know, baekhyun,” jinyoung says suddenly. “i know we both have pasts with dating. and although you haven’t told me anything yet, which is totally fine, i just wanted to tell you that it’s perfectly fine if you still harbor love for the person you used to be with.”

baekhyun gapes in awe, wondering if somehow jinyoung is as observant and persistent as chanyeol and has dived deep into the thoughts he cannot bear to reveal. “w-what?”

“i’m just saying,” answers the taller. “even years after her death, i still find myself loving my wife. she was my everything for as long as i had her, you know? what i’m saying is...if you still love someone else, i understand,” jinyoung says, a soft smile on his attractive features that just make the revelation all the more better.

in truth, baekhyun has no idea whether or not he still has those feelings for chanyeol. having the younger walk right into his life again has replenished things that shouldn’t be replenished. watching his son and said boy’s father interact like there was never a gap between their existence just mesmerizes him and he always catches himself staring at chanyeol, how his bright aura overpowers the darkness dormant beneath it all.

he hasn’t thought about it all, but thinking now, he might just be a bit more than friends with chanyeol. friends don’t share biological children—as kyungsoo oh-so-blatantly told him one day while they met for coffee and for their children’s encounter with one another. friends don’t promise you their everything and literally give up their dreams for you and your son. friends don’t unknowingly stare holes in the back of each other’s heads, as if begging for attention and affection.

friends don’t share a world who just happens to be formed by a small human with the most amazing of intellects, with the brightest of smiles, with the most incredible of personalities, and then call it a family.

“jinyoung?” the elder hums in response as he sips his wine. this time, baekhyun is sort of glad they’reat the former’s home. and he also cannot believe he missed the fact that jinyoung has children when entering. “what is love?”

the taller looks up with kind eyes. clearing his throat of the bittersweet liquid, he places his wine glass down on the countertop. “well, love is different for every person. there’s many kinds of love. which are you so curious about?”

“um, romantic love, i guess?” he offers, swatting away his own hand as it tries to roam to his lips nervously.

“good choice,” jinyoung says. “romantic love is a different kind of love, compared to its alternatives. romantic love is the feeling that your heart won’t stop beating for a certain person. you just love them too much. there’s a difference between love and a crush, however, as love means you long for that someone even when you are separated by distances so far that they cannot be fathomed. a crush is a fickle little thing. it means you like someone, but your heart does not cry out for them and their every move. now, there’s a whole lot more to love than that, but that’s just a brief explanation for now.”

baekhyun nods with a breathless laugh. “there’s more?”

“oh, plenty more. love has distinctive meanings for each person who experiences it, especially romantic love. like, how when i knew i was in love with my wife for the first time, it was when we were mere children. i knew there was something about her that just drew me in, but i never expected it to be love. not until she had her first kiss with someone else and it was all she talked about, it made my blood flow with bitterness and resentment. i was so enraged by it that we had a fight about it and i kissed her. things just played out like that. you never really expect them to happen.”

“were you always that in love?” baekhyun inquires.

jinyoung laughs. “oh, hell no. we once had a fight so bad that we actually filed divorce papers, but it never actually happened, thank goodness.”

baekhyun blinks. “how did you ever tolerate it? didn’t you ever hurt each other?”

the man across from his sighs and takes another sip from his idle wine glass, the crimson liquid no longer present. “yes. there were times i thought we weren’t supposed to work out. even when she was sick, there were times like that. but, baekhyun, love is not about grudges and past mistakes—it’s about forgiveness. in order to be in love, you must endure the pain that comes with it. it is that way with everything, or else you wouldn’t be doing anything. it’s a sensitive topic for me, but think of it like this; a woman, for example, must go through the pain of birth to deliver her child to this world, to allow it a breath of fresh air. birth hurts like a bitch, but the product of it all is the sweet little baby that lies in your arms so peacefully. so pure you wish you could do everything to never allow anything to taint it. but that’s part of the real world,” jinyoung says straightforwardly, letting his blunt words open up baekhyun’s mind to whole new truth.

love is not all peas and carrots. it’s never going to be easy. there’s going to be times you betray each other, when you are inconsiderate of each other’s feelings, but part of love is facing those mistakes head-on and figuring them out together. part of love is forgiveness and without it, it was never really love at all.

“who is it, baek?” the male asks him, clicking his tongue with a soft smile, as if encouraging the wave of words to come flooding out of baekhyun.

“what?”

“who are you in love with?”

“n-no one.”

“don’t lie to me, baekhyun.”

“i-i’m not l-lying!” he cries, fists clenched so tightly that they turn white and the thin glass he is gripping suddenly cracks.

the blood pours down his palm like the crimson droplets coming from the scars in his heart. they bleed eternally. he is perpetually plagued with the product that leaks from his affections, the drip-drop of blood on those thorns that continue to grow back on those roses because they never go away. the gore than runs from his veins into a pool of nothingness and exposure reflect on the cuts resurfacing in his being as it occurs to him that he may still be in love with a man named chanyeol.

he is still human; no matter how hardened his façade may get, he still bleeds.

“baekhyun!” jinyoung rushes forward, a towel in hand. “i’m sorry for pressuring you. i thought i was doing good things. my intentions are to help you realize that those feeling will still linger, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look past them.”

baekhyun hisses as rough material is pressed to his wound. “i-i can?”

jinyoung nods. “of course. love is a crazy thing, but it is never unreliable. there’s always somewhere you can look, because there will always be someone out there who loves you more than you will ever know, okay? an important part of love is being able to let go and walk away. get out of the dust. okay? i’m sorry this happened. maybe we should call it a night,” the elder suggests, securing the towel around his hand as he steps away from him to retrieve a bandage. “i’ll drive you home, baekhyun.”

he nods silently and lets his date patch up his wound up. he feels the sting but he disregards it. it has no competition against the pain that settles among his shoulders.

love is different for everyone. but most people are able to get over their past.

love lasts forever, especially the love that comes first.

love will not die against a greater force. love will not die against betrayal nor hatred and anger. love is everlasting with the hope that darker forces will never have the chance overtake our beings.

some people can get over their love, look past what’s broken and see with new eyes.

that’s everyone _except_ byun baekhyun.

and maybe park chanyeol too.


	19. History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here, i gift you more 18+ content and some angst. sorry for any mistakes!!

nothing ever seems to make sense to baekhyun anymore. how he could fall again in a simple few months, how he let down those walls unknowingly and let it all in, how he could fall weak to the longing in his heart for one man who scarred it with his absence.

coming home wasn’t like coming home how he usually does. after jinyoung dropped him off with a sorry smile, his hand rested on the doorknob of his apartment with the key already snug in the lock. he just couldn’t move. it’s like everything was shifting—his life was balancing on tectonic plates. the world was shifting beneath him but he couldn’t react, and could only stand still. he stood at his door for a half hour before one of the neighbors walked by with an armful of groceries and a strange look in her eyes.

everything was sugarcoated the minute he stepped into his apartment and noticed the television still on. it frightened him, thinking that the man he’d come to the realization of loving once again had left his child alone, left him alone once more, but there was no possible way a man like chanyeol could ever do such a thing. chanyeol knew better now than to do that, right?

so the sight that greeted him on the couch brought tears to his drooping eyes; it was his child sprawled across his ex’s chest, the boy’s head resting against his wide shoulder. if the situation had not made him tear up, he would’ve been laughing right now at how the child’s head rises and falls with every quivering of the giant’s intakes of breath, amazed at how his toddler was not abruptly awoken by loud snores. and for once, chanyeol had his eyes closed while sleeping, so he looked at peace.

the idea of going back in time surges through him—how he used to imagine chanyeol kissing that baby bump, how it would’ve depleted him into sobs, sobs that are now of pain and agony. he remembers having dreams in the middle of the night, intimate dreams, when his giant pressed his lips to the scar drawn across his stomach from the cesarean delivery, and how it all hurt because chanyeol was not there to witness it in spite of all the drugs they pumped him up with to make things a teeny bit easier. everything was just a painful.

nothing ever came easy to baekhyun, his fate was to remain forever broken-hearted. nothing came simply, nor peacefully, or contentedly. everything had some kind of complication.

he blames himself; how dare he fall victim to manipulation of the giant’s eyes? how dare he play the part of the sailor to the siren, and just get so lost in that starry gaze that he didn’t notice the peril happening around him? that exactly how to describe his life; perilous and littered with the stains of unceasing risk. he had fallen for a man who would be both the life and death of byun baekhyun once again.

he hadn’t responded when jinyoung asked him about who he’s still in love with. he just couldn’t. because he was facing the truth and reality itself. _reality_ , something he can never seem to face. the pressure building up in his being when jinyoung asked him again, told him he couldn’t lie, because it was true, was unendurable and he ended up crushing a fucking wine glass in his hand. he never thought that anger and realization all at once could fool him like that, trigger him and set off an explosive in him they never should’ve risked.

he had not answered jinyoung in the car when the male kept trying to mend the broken communication between them. there was no room for noise in a soundless space, however, so baekhyun tuned they older male out and withstood the urge to let his tears fall. at home, waiting, was his son and the man he was—is—in love with. he just couldn’t get himself to speak.

it’s like a horrible, despicable game of pushes and pulls, where he was the puppet and destiny holds him by controlling strings that he could not function without. it was a monstrosity called poker and he was losing and in preparation to hand over it all. if he traded his heart for immunity, that would mean losing both of the people he’s effortlessly in love with. those whom he cannot survive being deprived of. on the other hand, he a choice to choose between the two. which one? his own flesh and blood? his own child, the human being who he adores, the same one who he carried for nine months with determination to not let a man ruin his life? or a monster who cruelly smirked at him with ill intentions and schemes permeating his oh-so-perfect persona? or was he an apologetic, lovesick man who wandered back to where his heart belongs? either way, baekhyun couldn’t have both. that doesn’t abide by the rules. choose the better deal, the one that will benefit you, or the one that means something to you?

the world is a sick place. choice after choice must tear families, lovers, parents apart until they find it better to hate each other than to be hurt again. the world is a mousetrap and humans are the mice, naïve and baited. we end up trapped within the chains that hold us down. the world is a truly, truly sick place.

why must he choose? why must he thrive with one but wither under the thought of the other? why must the world be his torture room, his electric chair that shocks him painfully at every given chance? the more he is electrocuted, the more he is conscientious about the fact that he cannot, in any way, have both the things he wants.

he’s waiting for fate to strike him, tell him that right when he gets used to something, right as he becomes accustomed, he can no longer have it. and just like that, all he treasures within slips between his fingers.

just like how he and his parents used to love each other, be with each other, see each other, but they slipped through the cracks between his fingers.

peace doesn’t last in a land of darkness and hatred.

“baekhyun?” the giant says deeply, seemingly being suddenly awoken from his state of tranquility. he sounds like he used to when baekhyun used to wake up next to him, low and thick with fatigue. “did you just get home?”

“y-yeah,” the elder stammers. “everyone felt like going home earlier tonight so we agreed.”

chanyeol hums. “so where did you guys go?”

“the bar,” baekhyun stiffly answers. “like usual. i’m not the biggest fan of it, but they really like it, so we always go there. what did you guys do tonight?”

“you’re too considerate of other people, baekhyun,” the giant chuckles. “but we played hide-and-seek together again.”

“oh, that’s his new favorite thing. he wants to play it all the time, even when you’re not here.”

“true,” chanyeol smiles. “but after that, we colored for a little bit and, you know, his was just a bunch of scribbles on a page. i’m surprised you even let him handle markers and crayons. seems like a disaster waiting to happen if you ask me.” his smile is so bright, his dimple is so prominent, and his voice is just as soothing as always, but now, baekhyun takes more time to cherish it.

“ah, well, i wouldn’t if soo hadn’t insisted on getting him started young. he’s really smart,” baekhyun replies, momentarily remembering that soo would kill him if he knew what baekhyun discovered about himself today, so maybe he’ll call him tomorrow. kyungsoo wouldn’t be livid tomorrow (probably).

“very smart. oh, and after that, we had a little lunch and he ate very well. i learned that he is very reactive to anything that has kimchi in it. god, he’s, for lack of a better word, a sweetheart.”

baekhyun bites his lip, glad only the light of the ‘no signal’ phase on the television bounces off the walls so he can hide the blush spreading on his cheeks, because chanyeol’s comment was like saying— _hey, you’ve raised my kid well and i’m super proud of him, he’s really lovely to be around, therefore i’m grateful to you_. “so then what happened?”

chanyeol laughs quietly, trying not to wake the sleeping baby sprawled across his chest. “then we settled down on the couch for a little while and he told me things he likes to do...and some stuff about you, actually. sometime later, he fell asleep when we were watching tv.”

“ah,” baekhyun muses. “spongebob, no?”

chanyeol turns red-faced, a little surprised. “yeah, it was supposed to be a secret. i changed it to some drama before you got here and i fell asleep, but it seems you are quite the detective,” he shyly says and yejun stirs, so an enormous hand gently lays across the child’s back to soothe him in his sleep. “he must be dreaming.”

baekhyun smiles. “what do you think he’s dreaming about? i bet he’s dreaming about animated underwater sea creatures, no thanks to you.”

“nah,” the taller replies. “he’s dreaming about the future. he’s going to be so smart. tall too, thanks to _me_.” he chuckles quietly as baekhyun slaps his arm with a muted _what’s that supposed to mean_? “and really talented. our premature architect.”

baekhyun tilts his head. “so basically, he’s a mini you?”

“no,” chanyeol denies. “he’s caring and kind, and from what i’ve seen so far, he’s not at all selfish. he resembles you in my eyes.” baekhyun’s heart palpitates painfully at those words. does chanyeol still see the good in him? what he knows best about himself is that he’s not always nice, or loving—take this entire situation for example, he rejects the other half to his broken heart, the one that would glue the pieces back together into a whole again. he has done nothing but neglect what his heart longs for and rather was his brain commands him to do, what the voices of his conscience say to him. he has done nothing but disregard chanyeol and all his dedicated efforts because he believed he’s the true victim here. he was victimizing himself, isn’t it time to stop?

baekhyun doesn’t say anything.

“you okay?”

“yeah,” baekhyun breathes. “j-just...”

 _what do i tell him?_ he thinks. _do_ _i just, i don’t know, spout off about everything and just blabber until i can’t anymore?_

“i’m sorry.”

“you’re going out with someone else, right?”

they both look up.

“what?” chanyeol asks.

“n-nothing.”

“seriously, what’d you say?”

baekhyun sighs harder this time and he’s sure that if he does it again, he might just run out of breath. his gaze is fixated anywhere except the giant’s eyes and his fingers frustratedly pinch the bridge of his nose as if kyungsoo’s habits have been rubbing off on him. “i said i’m sorry.”

chanyeol’s eyebrows furrow. “sorry about what?”

“i’m sorry for being the way i am to you,” baekhyun laments solemnly. “it’s just that...after you left, i never expected you to come back. but you did. and believe it or not,” he chuckles, mirthless. “soo and i planned to keep him, yejun, from you. it was a silly plan, i guess. i was too focused on not allowing myself to be hurt again after you left that i wanted to shut out any deviations whatsoever, but i really forgot about what’s best for my son. o-our son.”

chanyeol remains stoic for a moment before breaking out in smile. “i don’t think it’s silly. if i were you, i would’ve done the same thing.”

“why is that?” baekhyun asks inquiringly, the typical suspicion lacing his voice.

“well,” chanyeol begins. “i can’t quite understand what you’ve gone through, or what sehun has told me about it, but i can definitely see why you wouldn’t allow me back in your life.” the younger diverts his gaze and it looks like he’s dreaming. “i was a bad man, baekhyun. i was and i still am, for leaving you in the first place. i knew what it would do to you, a sensitive person who only surrounds himself with the people he truly trusts, and yet, i still did it. i hurt you, baekhyun. i’m the one who should really be sorry.”

“but i’ve done some wrong as well,” baekhyun counters. “you came back. i still was hostile to you, i still rejected you emotionally, despite being in desperate need of financial and emotional support. you wanted to help, and i was still so...bad to you. i’m sorry.”

chanyeol ponders for a moment, leaning back to caress the body laying across his chest. “how about this, we both are sorry. we’ve both made mistakes. i mean, we’re only human,” he laughs with a bitter undertone.

“right,” baekhyun affirms with a nod. “so what did you say?”

the younger taps the index finger of his free hand against the material of the sofa, the soft _thump_ isn’t loud enough to mute baekhyun’s thoughts. yes, he heard what chanyeol said. it was impossible not to when they were both whispering. “i know that you’re going out with someone.”

“oh,” baekhyun says with feigned shock. “i don’t know what to say.”

the taller bites his lips. “it’s okay, you know,” he says. “i was the one who ruined what we had and what we could’ve had. i was the one that marred something that was perfect. it’s my fault. you should be happy.”

“it wasn’t perfect,” baekhyun denies. “we had our flaws. our relationship was falling apart before that. neither one of us were the ideal boyfriend.”

chanyeol sighs. was that true? were they not what they thought they were before he was the catalyst of all things bad in their relationship, the spur of the heartbreak that separated them much farther than distance ever could? “i did ruin something, though. i had you back then. we were happy, or at least somewhere close to content, back then. now, someone else has you,” he mutters.

“that’s not true, chanyeol,” baekhyun tells him. “things were wrong back then. we never told each other the truth. we lacked the basics of a healthy relationship; communication, time, honesty, and sometimes even trust. i can’t just blame you.”

“but i am to blame!” he exclaims quietly, cautious of the boy laying on his chest who was deep in a sea of peaceful slumber. chanyeol wants to yell, wants to shout and cry out to the world from the rooftops like he used to in seoul when the aloneness hit him like a rock, when he was at his calmest and the thought suddenly occurred that _you can’t leave the past behind because it will always come back to bite you_. he feels like he used to before he discovered the escape found in the power of music back in his childhood, he feels congested, like he needs to let his feelings out, but he’s yet again stuck in a compromising situation. “who left? who abandoned you and yejun? i did. who broke his entire family’s heart with his disappearance and separated something that was peaceful before? i did. my existence was the demolition of it all, baekhyun.”

the latter stares at him with a blank look before resting his fists on his hips, which are significantly wider from the effects of time and pregnancy. chanyeol begins to wonder if the elder is just a single weak fiber away from lashing out at him, delivering the punishment he deserves for years of sins he committed both knowingly and unknowingly.

baekhyun is conflicted. there’s one side of him that tells him that, no, it is not all chanyeol’s fault that everything took place. it’s the same side of him that tells him that this is a learning experience. ever since he realized that he’s in love and never fell out of it a mere hour ago, he’s been this way. is this a good thing, or is it our fate to fall apart? that’s the other side of things; where he worries that everything chanyeol does is insincere and that it comes from the feeling of obligation stemmed from within chanyeol. chanyeol is nice, he knows that and has never forgotten it, but he also knows that the aforementioned has a habit of doing things because he feels like it’s his civic duty somehow. what if the entirety of chanyeol’s motivation to be in their lives comes from the idea that he has to, or else he’ll be frowned upon? he, chanyeol, the father of his child, the first love that never truly left him, wouldn’t do that, would he?

“hold on a second,” baekhyun says, leaning forward and carefully scooping his son into his arms before stalking off into the child’s room, leaving the giant dumbfounded. will baekhyun come back? well, he said to wait a minute, so does that mean he will? is he angry? infuriated? livid beyond comprehension? or...maybe even sad? there’s no telling with baekhyun. if there’s one thing that chanyeol has noticed has changed within his child’s carrier, it’s that he’s way better at suppressing his emotions. chanyeol can no longer see them like he used to be able to. heartbreak, pregnancy, and parenthood has made him more vigorous and vigilant. was this his fault? did he cause baekhyun’s inability to express things without them being said?

“okay, i’m back,” the elder says, his voice much clearer as his walks into the room after shutting the door and chanyeol feels the weight of the world he lifted off his shoulders with just his return. “now, you tell me what the fuck you did so wrong that is completely to blame for everything.”

the younger gapes. “i told you. i left this place, you, our child, my family behind. all for a childish dream. you said so yourself a few months ago.”

baekhyun all but laughs, the pain resurfacing in those gorgeous eyes that show some semblance of the sky and all its constellations and signs, stars and planets connected to create the infamous solar system. “what i said a few months ago doesn’t matter when i can’t even think about what life would be like without you now,” he protests. “and dreams are not childish. if people lacked dreams, we would lack creativity and opportunity. just like if your parents never dreamed of having you, they probably still would’ve had another child, but not expectedly. and without your existence, there would be no us. no you and me. no exhilaration in our adolescence and i would probably grow up to become some librarian with a thousand cats. and without us, there would be no yejun. no happiness. no light in a dark world, chanyeol. things are a lot deeper than you are thinking of.”

the taller watches as baekhyun speaks so passionately. what was he meaning? why did he act as if the hurt and pain that came with abandonment was beneficial?

chanyeol blinks. “but you felt agony—“

“chanyeol,” the smaller interrupts. “pain is worth it when happiness is the result.”

before chanyeol can comprehend anything, baekhyun is standing up and walking toward him, small legs working as hard they can. he feels his lips tremble, but they don’t much longer when baekhyun is suddenly in his lap, straddling him and pressing his lips against chanyeol’s.

baekhyun kisses him harshly, tongue against tongue as if they’ve been he’s been awaiting this moment for an eternity, and he has. he embraces chanyeol with all of his might, dragging them as close as they can get to each other. those pretty hands wrap around his shoulders, nails digging into the skin yearningly. it’s teeth against teeth, clashing and messy. but it’s all worth it.

chanyeol doesn’t even feel it. he doesn’t see it. he doesn’t stop it. because baekhyun is kissing him again and this is the one thing he’s been wanting for so long. he completely disregards the fact that baekhyun just returned home from a date with another man who might replace him and might be better than him. he forgets that baekhyun might’ve kissed that man like he’s kissing him now. but he knows that the realization that this cannot happen again will come later, that he will have to work around the consequences and so will baekhyun—all because they kissed. but right now, right when lust and need is getting the better of him, he doesn’t think about the fact that he can never be baekhyun’s again and that baekhyun can never be his, because it didn’t work out the first time. he needs to enjoy what time he has left before the twisted world reaches out its tendrils and pulls him back into that hell that’s void of baekhyun and yejun.

“i love you,” baekhyun says between kisses, lips red and sore as he dives right back and tries to memorize the taste of those lips he hasn’t had in so long. they’re like candy. “i love you so much.”

“i love you, too,” he replies breathlessly and it’s not out of impulse, it’s real, but it might as well be.

“you do?” the smaller gasps as he pulls away, groaning when his lips gets caught between chanyeol’s teeth as if begging for him to come back. “then show me, chanyeol. just like you did two years ago. show me that you love me. don’t just have sex with me, if this plays out how i think it will, don’t just fuck me. make love to me.” and that’s all it takes for baekhyun to end up with his back glued to the couch as the giant indulges himself in the feeling he craved so damn much.

chanyeol laps at baekhyun’s mouth, tongue signaling the smaller to react. baekhyun moans into his mouth, fingers finding purchase in the muscles rolling under the skin of the giant’s back. “i’m going to make love to you,” chanyeol grunts when he pulls away to kiss down the smaller’s jaw, the pepper every inch of his body to make up for the years he was absent and unable to provide the love the elder needed. “you’re going to feel so damn good. you’re going to beg me for more and i’m going to give it to you, because that’s my job. i have to make up for what i did to you.”

the elder throws his head back to allow more access to his neck, the unblemished skin beckoning him to paint it with his lips, mark it with his teeth. it’s like it’s there to pull him closer, to ask more of him. ask, and you shall receive.

he plunges in, rough and messy kisses mapping out every inch of baekhyun’s skin, wandering around. he even pecks at the skin behind baekhyun’s ear, hearing that hitched breath awakens something dormant within him.

baekhyun moans beneath him, his back arching in need. he just wants to feel chanyeol, he wants to tell him to be quicker, to hurry up. but he cannot form any words. it has been too long since he last felt chanyeol’s hands, eyes, lips on his own and now he’s so needy. he’s begging for it without having to ever say anything.

the smaller cries out in desperation when chanyeol jerks away to pull off his shirt, letting those hands fall over the skin so delicately like he’s a doll that needs to be pampered. chanyeol’s enormous hands trace and mold the shape of his body, admiring the skin and the curvaceousness. chanyeol’s lips are back at it in an instant, tattooing his collarbones and the dips, marking him with deep, red butterflies of love.

the taller hunches over as he allows his lips to travel down baekhyun’s chest, sucking and abusing the skin to offer proof to baekhyun that, yes, he loves him too. he never lied about that.

the giant’s hands shape his hips in a clutching manner and his kisses relocate themselves to the smaller’s nipples, hearing him moan, but only then does he begin to realize that they can’t be as loud as he’d like them to be.

“baekhyun,” he says suddenly with a pant. “yejun is here. we can’t wake him up.”

baekhyun groans and throws his head back. “he’ll be fine.”

“no, i don’t want to wake him up. i don’t want to ruin this for us. i can’t ruin this for us,” he insists.

those delicious hands, however, curl pleadingly around his neck and pull his back down into the smaller’s chest. “h-he’s fine. the fan is running and that always keeps him asleep, plus the baby monitor, you dummy.”

with those reassuring words of comfort, chanyeol nips at those rosy buds placed on the smaller’s chest, he sucks harshly at those pretty little things. he paints the pale chest he loves to admire and think about so much a bright pink. he bruises them, bites them. all the while baekhyun can only moan like he means it. he needs this release, they both do.

hands soon thread through his hair, pushing him down. he becomes a bit confused at the gesture, but when his eyes come in contact with the scar drawn across the smaller’s tummy, he understands. this scar baekhyun is begging him to pay attention to was where his son met the earth for the first time, it represents the past that loiters and remains in the present without having to be asked.

as if answering baekhyun’s unspoken prayers, he tends to the scar, rough and calloused fingers gentle in tracing over the skin. he admires it, imagining a day where he would be the one holding baekhyun’s hand through the pain so it would lessen. but he knows that’ll never happen.

he kisses it softly, letting his lips caress the skin lightly. he leaves behind the essence of pure love in its wake, so baekhyun rests assured knowing that whatever happens tomorrow and the day after, chanyeol still loves him.

he marks the scar, he sucks, and bites. he decorates it with the power of his lips. he brushes over the bumpiness of the paler skin, the line that differs and sticks out like a sore thumb in comparison to the rest of baekhyun’s beautiful, supple body.

“chanyeol,” baekhyun gasps. “i need you.”

so chanyeol does things as quick as possible, shedding them of their clothes and the garments that threaten to divide them physically. he cannot have that. they cannot have that.

“you have me, baby.”

carefully, slowly, and lovingly, chanyeol prepares baekhyun with the bottle of lube that can be located between the couch cushions, the same one questioned by chanyeol, but he's only served with the response _you think i'm not prepared for surprises?_ he’s soft with the smaller and he only acts deliberately. he listens and basks in baekhyun’s moans, begs, pleads. he allows the smaller to cry out for him. he only responds back with a gentle kiss on the lips.

and when he finishes stretching baekhyun to take him, he leans in to kiss the elder as he lubes himself up. he swallows the moans that the latter spills when chanyeol enters him in one swift thrust. he remembers that baekhyun used to scold him and tell him to go in quickly so he only has to feel the pain once. baekhyun still feels the pain, but he can’t have that. his hands caress the smaller’s hips, his beautiful shape. he whispers sweet things in his ear that only matter to him and baekhyun.

he allows the smaller to adjust, or else the tightness would become too much for chanyeol himself to endure. baekhyun hugs him in more ways than one.

“you can move.”

and move he does. he thrusts in, gratified by the warmth and the tightness. he snaps his hips only lovingly, only to pleasure baekhyun after years of lasting in the wreckage of a hurricane. chanyeol moves with the sweat rolling down his back, shifting over the muscles. he feels baekhyun’s elation in his own pain, a result of the red and angry scratches adorning his backside.

chanyeol fucks into him, the speed and power of his hips increasing with every push into that amazing, delectable, tight heat. baekhyun moans and throws his head back, his spine arching on pleasure. his reaction shows chanyeol just what he does to the smaller. he wishes he could do it more, recreate this night forever and ever until it becomes implanted in their minds. his reaction set something off in chanyeol that makes him strive to prove to baekhyun that, _i love you, too, and i’ll never stop_. baekhyun needs to know. because who knows what will happen tomorrow? what will be the aftermath of this event? 

“chanyeol!” baekhyun blabbers deliriously. “i-i’m close!”

“come for me, baby,” he murmurs in the smaller’s ear, hands gripping that beautiful slim waist to suppress his release that may come quicker than either of them expected. “come on, let go. feel me, baby, come for me.”

baekhyun’s nails dig into his skin, marking chanyeol _his_ , imprinting perfect half-crescents. chanyeol can feel the elder clamping down around him, imprisoning him in an inescapable, so beautifully warm grip. he hasn’t felt this in so long, is it so bad to enjoy it now?

he thinks of the question while baekhyun releases between them, his post-orgasmic state making chanyeol open his eyes to admire. he watches the sweat roll down the elder’s brow, whose half-lidded eyes showcase his fatigue. he fucks the smaller through it all, reveling in the pleasure that baekhyun’s orgasm gives him. it’s impossible for him to have felt this anywhere else but right here, right now, with byun baekhyun underneath him looking so damn good.

nothing beats baekhyun.

but anything can beat chanyeol.

his own orgasm knocks the breath out of him, tightening everything within him. his gut wrenches, egging his release on. he lets go in baekhyun, forgetting about all his mistakes and all the self-loathing. he takes the time to forget about the world around him, and only that modest atmosphere that surrounds them now.

baekhyun, half-conscious, groans at the feeling of warmth spreading within his walls, breaching the limit. it spills down his thighs when chanyeol pulls out.

he forgets. he ignores.

and history always repeats itself.

💎

the sun shining down on him is what pulls baekhyun from his state of deep sleep that can only be brought on by sex. it casts over his body, covered by a thick blanket.

groaning, baekhyun rolls over on his side, fists coming to rub away the sleepiness from his eyes.

this is most definitely not his room. he always keeps the curtains shut, his comforter is warmer than this, this surface does not compare to the width of his mattress, yet something is alike in comparison; there’s no one beside him.

he realizes where he is, what happened last night and what he said, he almost cries at the dried semen at his thighs. he is sore, very sore, but being alone strikes something in him and, despite his practical immobilization, he jerks up. baekhyun searches every inch, corner, crevice of his apartment, even in yejun’s room, where his baby rests unaffected by the world.

he doesn’t find chanyeol. nothing is left behind.

and for the second time in a span of two years or so, park chanyeol is gone after a night of passionate lovemaking, with nothing left behind.


	20. Epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i found a loophole in my schedule and here's the update i promised.  
> first of all, so sorry for any mistakes throughout this entire story. i started writing it on a mobile phone before i got my laptop fixed and thus why there's so many mistakes.  
> second of all, this is one of my favorite chapters EVER because it is the reason i made a hunhan spin-off that will be posted soon after this is completed, and because i really saw what kind of love i was writing about. when my parents used to fight when i was a little kid, my grandma would always tell my dad when he questioning himself, that this child in front of you is the evidence of your love. it helped, a lot. my grandma is a whole ass philosopher and love her to death, so this chapter was inspired by her words.  
> third of all, guys...we made it on a rec list. HOLY SHIT WE MADE IT ON A REC LIST. my bestie woke up this morning and was searching around for some fics, and she found it on a rec list...and i think i'm going to pass out. THANK YALL SO MUCH. i know my writing isn't much, but we still made it here >-<  
> fourthly, thank you for all your positive comments, they all mean so much to me. i wouldn't have the faith to post this here if it weren't for my lovely commentators on aff, and to see that here to is so incredibly wonderful. thank you all!!

oh sehun lays languidly on his bed, stripped of every garment except his boxers. his back rises and falls with every inhale and ex, the evidence that he is engrossed in deep, extensive sleep, a result of working in the garage until 2am.

he recalls arriving home to an empty apartment, which would’ve been normal if only he knew his best friend since forever wasn’t staying with him. all of park chanyeol’s stuff was gone, missing from his reserved spot on the sofa. all of park chanyeol was gone. this was what the elder had planned the entire time, no?

he lays on his stomach, face buried in the pillow so it muffled his light snores. this was oh sehun, the sweet maknae who holds a special place in every single one of his friends’ hearts. what’s not to love? he’s tall, sweet, adorable, handsome, and in his most righteous opinion, ingenious. everything about oh sehun is attractive and persuasive, right?

the young man sleeps past his alarm clock, which he has snoozed at least three times since it went off at 7am. he values his time alone, his personal space, because he doesn’t have to talk to anybody and thankfully, being blessed with a expressionless bitch-face, hecan doze off and no one ever begins to wonder what he’s doing.

but suddenly, interrupting his much needed sleep, his phone rings.

sehun jerks awake, deranged in all definitions of the word, and he falls. he falls flat off the bed and kisses the floor with his face.

“shit!” he curses, thankful that he no longer lives with his mother or else he would be having his mouth stuffed with soap right now.

his phone continues blaring the same annoying ringtone he liked more than the others, the same one that he now hates. why does this have to happen right now? why did it have to interrupt his perfectly peaceful dream about a certain chinese soccer player named luhan. “god...why?!” he groans, pushing himself up from the floor with the strength he obtained from constant exertion. lifting tires all day had become one way to work out and it’s honestly not that bad if he gets to pick his own schedule. the life of being a mechanic was slightly scary at first, he wondered if people would trust his credentials—as gifted to him by his father who owned the garage and was the main mechanic. he was raised in a garage, working with cars everyday until he learnt and memorized every part of the average vehicle. now, he isn’t the only mechanic, but he’s the most popular one.

💎

“s-sehun...” baekhyun trails, hands shaking like the rest of his body as he holds the phone up to his ear. “he’s g-gone.”

“ _ah—shit! fuck_!” thumping noises echo over the other end, the younger man obviously struggling to do whatever. maybe he’s in bed, but it’s the afternoon already, so why would he be in bed still? maybe because he works his ass off all the damn time and never gives himself a break? yeah, maybe. “ _baekhyun-hyung, say that again. who’s gone_?”

baekhyun lets out a strangled sob. didn’t chanyeol promise? “chanyeol.” was the love he confessed of genuine? was he faking?

“... _what_?”

“he’s gone, sehun,” baekhyun tells him sadly. “again. he left us.”

“ _wait, baekhyun, hold on a second_ ,“ sehun audibly struggles once again. “ _i-it can’t be_...”

“it is,” baekhyun spits. was the younger doubting him now? “he’s gone. these are the exact same tactics he used last time. nothing is here. not a text, not a call, nothing! he lied, didn’t he? and you knew about this?”

sehun will admit that he’d overheard a few of his best friend’s conversations with his manager about coming back. but maybe he’d misunderstood, maybe he’d misheard them. he had the same thought when he saw the giant’s stuff absent from his apartment and the futon arranged neatly, but he didn’t want to believe it. he’ll also admit that he saw the look in the elder’s eyes when sehun mentioned the carrier of his son. it only meant one thing; chanyeol was in love, and sehun knew that the giant never fell out of it. how did these tie together? well, no whipped man in his right mind would leave the person they love, unless it was for a certain reason.

“ _no,"_ he mutters weakly, an almost guilty feeling weighing on him.

baekhyun sniffles. “sehun, don’t lie to me. i won’t be angry if you helped him with this...i promise. i just want to know if he really loves me or if he lied to m-me.”

sehun shakes his head as if it would travel over the line. “ _i had no idea about any of it, baekhyun. i promise. i swear on my life. and i don’t think he lied to you, baekhyun, i really don’t_.”

“well then, explain why he left me! why would he ever leave me if i was what he wanted?” baekhyun asks and then curses, those tears resurfacing. he’s so glad his son is not up at this moment, or else his pure baby would hear him spit a mouthful of profanities at the phone directed to none other than sehun himself.

“ _baekhyun_!“ sehun exclaims. “ _hyung, listen to me. right now. have you tried everything? have you looked around? have you_ —“

“called? texted? emailed? yes! and i’m terrified, sehun...i’m scared. i-i was just getting used to having him be with me, be yejun’s father. what if he’s gone for good, sehun? i’ll be gone for good...”

“ _no_ ,“ sehun asserts, suddenly filled with anger. how could his best friend do this? after so many promises made? after so many hearts broken? how could he do this to baekhyun? to yejun? to...sehun? “ _no, baekhyun, not today. he left you to drown in the in your own pain once, but i’m not letting that happen again. you have to be stronger than this_.“

“strong?!” baekhyun huffs. “what do you know about strong? you spend your time surrounded by a bunch of cars in a garage and then go home to fan-boy over your little soccer player. nothing is going to happen with that, but are you strong enough to face that? no! such a trivial, useless thing, but you still can’t manage to be ‘strong’. so tell me, sehun, what do you know about being strong?” baekhyun exasperates, his words coming out more hostile than expected.

sehun likes to pretend that never got to him, and at most times, it would. but right now, baekhyun is not in his right mind. he knows that when baekhyun is hysterical, he says things he doesn’t actually mean or want to happen, and maybe right now is one of those moments. but he also knows that baekhyun tends to very honest and speak his mind, so he could’ve just gotten truth in the form of an angry confession. however, as upset as he is about the blow, sehun knows it’s not the right time. right now is about chanyeol.

“ _you can’t let him control him like you do_.“

“sehun—“

“ _nuh-uh_ ,“ sehun cuts him off sharply. “ _hyung, if you love someone, you go after them. you of all people should know that. i know you still stayed informed of what happened in seoul when chanyeol was there after he left. i know you knew where he was the entire time and still never took the initiative to chase after him_.“

baekhyun sighs heavily. “no, this isn’t fair. he doesn’t control me, and he’s gone, sehun. gone. maybe it’s supposed to be that way.”

“ _don’t you dare say that_ ,“ the younger hisses, infuriated. this is not the friend he knew. baekhyun was the one who encouraged him to chase after love if he were to ever have it, and luckily, he hadn’t yet, but he’s pretty sure he’s close enough. however, regarding luhan, maybe it’s time to let him go because, like baekhyun himself said, it’s never going to happen. “ _if you end up heartbroken again, don’t you fucking dare blame me. or him. blame yourself. because you have all the opportunities to run after him, yet look at you. defying your own standards_.“

“don’t you dare talk to me that way, oh sehun. you have no idea what i’ve been through—“

“ _don’t i?! you act like soo and i didn’t watch you fall apart because you never chased after him_ ,“ the younger shouts, his voice louder than baekhyun’s ever heard it through the phone, through the air, through anything. “ _it’s no one’s fault other than your own if you didn’t pursue him like you always encouraged me to do with my crushes. i am different from you because you’re in love_.“

baekhyun lets the tears fall harder than before, because was that true? had he just learned that he could’ve solved everything in he, chanyeol’s, and their son’s life if only he’d followed the person he loved like he told others to. baekhyun had been a hypocrite to his own ways, encouraged others but never himself. why was that? why did he let chanyeol go? “i-i’m scared, hunnie...”

the line goes silent for a good while and baekhyun begins to think that sehun hung up on him like he’s done a few times before, but then he hears the incontestable clearing of a throat. “ _if you’re ever scared of love, hyung, go look at your baby_.“

“w-what? why?”

“ _because a child is the product of love, right_?“ sehun questions, despite not being completely educated in the topic of love. he at least knows that much. he knows that a child is conceived in the act of love, every child is a miracle. perhaps to others, it was a mistake, but to them, a child created from an act of love and passion and craving for each other is a baby of love and no one could ever prove that wrong.

baekhyun feels himself nodding before he can even comprehend. “yeah.”

“ _if you ever feel doubtful, ask yourself why your child is there. ask yourself why your baby exists. because you guys loved each other so damn much that it made me fucking sick. you guys weren’t regular people having sex. as disgusting as it is for me to say, you made love. it was when he left, right? when you made yejun? he had to show you one last time that he loved you before he left you. this time, don’t let that love go to waste._ “

the carrier feels himself be diminished into nothing less than a complete train wreck. he sees that his younger friend, who has no experience with love, seems to be taking his advice better than baekhyun himself utilizes it. since when did sehun have the guts out of all of them? sure, sehun has always been straightforward, blunt, relentless, but he’s not deep. he never is. how could someone be this way?

“s-since when did you ever get to be this philosophical, hunnie?” he sniffles, rubbing away at his tears while secretly wishing it wasn’t his own hands wiping them away but chanyeol’s instead. “you’ve never been this way.”

“ _baekhyun_ ,” sehun says seriously. “ _go look at your child_.”

baekhyun is not usually this passive. he doesn’t usually comply, especially when it comes to sehun, but this time he believes that the younger could be going somewhere with this.

he hops up from his position of crouching in the floor and his socked feet carry him to the room where the most peaceful of all people he knows rests.

yejun looks so pure lying there, asleep. he looks like it’s never his fate to grow up alongside the evil in the world; to watch the earth fall apart person by person. how could he ever release his baby, the beautiful child that changed his life forever, into the cruel world?

“ _he looks calm, right_?”

baekhyun clears away the snot, a whole new batch of tears preparing to come flooding down. “y-yeah.”

“ _and, baekhyun...he looks like chanyeol, right_?”

a sob wracks his body. “...y-yes, oh my goodness...h-he does.”

“ _and who did he come from_?”

and hesitantly, “m-me.”

“ _precisely_.”

“sehun,” baekhyun murmurs weakly and turns to leave, shutting the door lightly behind him. “why are you doing this?”

“ _because i’m not going to let a love i worked so hard to mend for you two fuckers go to waste_.”

now, what the hell does that mean? was sehun taking credit for his forgiveness to chanyeol? was he taking credit for all of it? if so, he didn’t deserve it. he was blunt, sure, and he made baekhyun realize a shit-ton of things he didn’t before, but that in no way meant that he had anything to do with them.

“sehun,” baekhyun says lowly, contrary to his sad tone just moments ago. “what are you talking about?”

he hears a dry chuckle over the line. his voice is always like that if it’s not amused, so baekhyun begins to wonder if one of his best friends is just spouting off pointlessly at this moment in time. but why would sehun do that? he knows for sure that sehun does not waste his dear sweet time on nonsense things. he barely even spends time outside of the garage, but he makes time to spam their phones with memes during his lunch break and cackle at how they curse at him for waking a baby, or whatever, he doesn’t really even keep up anymore. but sehun doesn’t waste time. so what is he talking about?

“ _you think that you two meeting again was a coincidence_?” the taller male says. “ _i had nothing to do with that whole gay scandal or whatever, but i know it’s not true_.”

“c-coincidence?” the carrier stumbles over his words. “you mean—“

“ _the grocery store_?” sehun interrupts. “ _yeah. kyungsoo-hyung texted me that you were getting off work when i sent chanyeol to grocery store. i asked soo to make up a lie or some shit. ended up being about banana milk, right_?”

“how did you know this?”

the younger laughs, high in pitch this time. “ _because i knew that if you weren’t going to find each other yourselves, i had to do something. kyungsoo too_.”

but kyungsoo hated chanyeol, with all his heart. or at least that’s what he said. so why did kyungsoo do this?

“ _you’re wondering about kyungsoo, right_?” sehun asks as if he can hear baekhyun’s thoughts. “ _kyungsoo used to be in love with you, but he was tired of seeing you suffer alone. we both were. we knew you needed chanyeol. so we banded together_.”

baekhyun couldn’t believe this. this entire time, he was thinking this all came from fate. he believed it took a revolution to bring them back together, but it actually meant two friends who only wanted the best for him. usually, he would be angry, livid. he would be so upset with them for interfering with his life and his feelings, but he couldn’t get himself to be angry. how could he? they made him realize something he tried to make himself forget; he was in love. but not with jinyoung.

“what exactly did you do?”

“ _oh, nothing too critical. just the meeting to play an inciting incident. then it was at the club. kyungsoo never really intended to slap him, just thought he needed it and i didn’t stop him. if we didn’t love you so much, baek, we would’ve slapped you too_.”

“well, thanks...?”

sehun nervously laughs. “ _you know, you’re kind of freaking me out right now. i thought you’d have tracked me down and killed me by now. only me because you’re scared of kyungsoo_.”

“no promises, oh,” baekhyun states.

“ _anyways_ ,” the younger drawls. “ _after that, we organized your schedules. we planned everything out diligently. i would drag chanyeol-hyung in when you were working to annoy you because i love you, and kyungsoo would introduce the kid. it didn’t exactly go as planned, though, i didn’t meant to drop a cup of water on my balls. it really hurt, though_...”

baekhyun giggles as the tears still roll down. are these what you call thankful tears? “you’re getting sidetracked.”

“ _right_!” sehun exclaims as if his balls were a distracting subject. “ _then kyungsoo was in charge on making sure you two never knew about that. so he encouraged you to go on a date. it was some kind of reverse psychology shit i’ve never heard of, but it was supposed to distract you from chanyeol while also giving you the option to realize that no one else could ever replace chanyeol. i don’t know how he did it, but he did_. _fuck, he scares the hell out of me."_

“wow,” baekhyun whispers. the two really did plan this entire thing. kyungsoo amazed him. why was he not an actor by now? how? he’s so deceiving sometimes. “t-that’s crazy.”

“ _i hope those are happy tears_ ,” sehun says with a little bit of an anxious tone. “ _wouldn’t be worth anything if they aren’t_.”

“they are.”

“ _the whole fight was not a part of our plan, though_ ,” sehun makes sure to inform him. “ _i don’t know how it happened. it just did. maybe that’s your sign of fate, baekhyun. but i did play my part whenever chanyeol was conflicted on how to manage the situation. i explained to him everything about what things were like after he left. you should’ve seen it, baekhyun, i don’t think i’ve ever seen so much regret in someone’s eyes_.

“ _your date was not planned either. it happened that way. again, not sure, but there’s your sign of fate again. he made you realize, right_?”

“y-yes.”

“ _then, there you have it. god works in many ways. jinyoung was your realization. but don’t just leave him hanging, baek_.”

right, jinyoung. how would he ever explain this? he hopes he didn’t get jinyoung’s hopes up. he doesn’t want to tear him down. the man lost his wife, for goodness’ sake, he’s never getting her back. yet baekhyun has the opportunity to get the person he loves back, so why isn’t he jumping on the opportunity already? why not? and how would he ever explain this jinyoung nicely? _just hey, i’m sorry to break it to you, but i’m hopelessly in love with my ex, the father of my child. yes, i have a child. and i love his father and i never stopped. i’m sorry_. no, just no.

“you’re right, damnit,” baekhyun grits. so many revelations at once, how is supposed to handle this? “what do i do, sehun? what do i say?”

“ _well_ ,” the younger says. “ _coming from me, you go for your priorities first. which is getting yejun his father back. then you work everything out. and then you lightly put things to that poor man that you probably hurt_ —“

“not helping,” baekhyun chimes.

“ _right. but anyways, baekhyun, that’s just my advice. i’m not always right. neither is soo, believe it or not. go with your gut. but what you need to do definitely is get chanyeol back before you lose him again_.”

baekhyun feels out of breath for a moment. is he supposed to do this here? over the phone with sehun? he can’t even begin to believe that they’ve had this entire discussion while over the phone like normal people. only, this conversation is anything but normal. this was his epiphany, his realization; he was going to get chanyeol back and the younger was never going to leave him again.

“bye, oh.”

“ _wait, i don’t get a thank you for helping you?_ —“

baekhyun grins, running over to hastily put his shoes on before slipping on his coat. but he pauses to pull out his phone momentarily.

to soo:

_fuck you and oh sehun. i’m dropping yejun off at your house—i have something to do and he cannot be there. i’ll be over soon._

for once, it’s time for him to fix things.


	21. The Chase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is only slightly weird... but hey, i actually really love it.  
> oh, um, and also, not even sure if slight violence is slapping an innocent person who's just trying to do his job, but if you're sensitive to that then heed my warning. sorry for mistakes 💖

the land looks dark as he passes by. gone were the leaves that decorated the trees in zealous colors and diverse patterns. gone was the cool feeling of autumn that lasted shortly and in its place is the coolness of upcoming winter. gone was the fading yet still vibrant blue of the sky and replacing it is the bare aura of the cold.

chanyeol, he’s leaving for good.

why, you may ask. because he has no place in baekhyun’s life. he has no place in baekhyun's home.

he wishes he did, honestly. he wants more than anything else just to be there with them, sitting in the living room again with his son in his arms and baekhyun beside him. but we don’t get everything we want, do we? chanyeol knows more than anyone that that’s true. he wanted lots of things. he wanted the perfect baekhyun, a career in the profession he's dreamt of since the beginning, a supportive family, and so many others things, but he can’t have all of them.

if you’re wondering why he left, it was not for a selfish reason, in his opinion. he thought he was doing what was best...again. he knows himself. he knows he that he is unreliable in all aspects of the word and yet, he still asks for trust. leaving would means sparing baekhyun once more from the pain that would hit like an earthquake if they stayed together. everything comes circling around, doesn’t it? they always end right back up where they started.

he has a life. actually, he has two lives; one with baekhyun and one in seoul that keeps pulling him back to square one.

if it were really up to him, he would never leave. it really wasn’t up to him, was it? he can’t just abandon his career like it never meant anything even though he longs to be with baekhyun and turn this car right back around. if it were really up to him, he wouldn’t be driving back to seoul like the pushover in him always does. he would still be with baekhyun, lying uncomfortably on the sofa as he admires the smaller’s stance while sleeping, checking on his son multiple times during the night because he wasn’t there to do it when yejun was born, so he must do it now.

what’s done is done.

baekhyun is probably hurting. but chanyeol only hopes that the love baekhyun says he has for him is just a figment of his imagination. he hopes that baekhyun was just drunk, despite the fact that the alcohol he tasted on the man’s tongue was faint enough to be from diluted wine. somewhere between the lie that he was intoxicated and the truth that he was not, chanyeol remains hoping for both of them somehow. however, he’ll never know. he plans to never see baekhyun after this and cause more pain for the person of his past that should stay that way, the person he loves so much, and the son he loves so much.

leaving nothing behind the way he did before was such a dickhead thing to do, but it evidently works out in the end. it may hurt them, but it shows real intentions. maybe baekhyun took it as the better idea from many, or maybe baekhyun took it as he was an asshole who abandons his priorities when they’re at the peak of all togetherness and organization. he wishes to do nothing more than to unblock the number and resend all those failed messages that said _i love you_. he’d sent those all morning, but none of them ever came through. probably because he was the one that blocked baekhyun’s number, not the other way around.

the city flies lonesomely, grayer than ever. the monochromatic reflection of every passing vehicle in the street and train on the tracks only emphasizes his own personal reflection. the city is dark for him more than others because it is void of two people he wants nothing more but to have in his arms right now. the city will become old and it already has.

pulling up beside sm’s headquarters, he unbuckles his seatbelt, hops out, and rubs his hands together at the feeling of the brisk air biting his fingertips. thank god he wore a jacket, if only he’d worn gloves as well.

chanyeol spots jaehan through the big and intimidating glass door, watching the man make a futile attempt at flirting with the desk lady, who looks extremely uninterested. sometimes he can’t even believe this man is his manager as informal as he is. he labels the man as arrogant and far too high ambitious for his position. but he would never say that, it’s never done him any good before with his other managers anyway.

his manager turns when he opens the door, an unimpressed expression on his face. “took you long enough.”

he doesn’t hate this company, he actually thanks them for giving him the opportunity to pursue a dream he’s yearned for since forever, but he sometimes can’t just deal with the stress they give him, his manager especially. his likes lee soo-man, but he thinks the man should opt for picking employees who are more qualified for the job. he wants to know who dare throw his best friend out of the company when the boy was trying to tell him the biggest, most important secret of his lifetime.

he abstains from rolling his eyes. “really?” he says. “i just came back and you’re already giving me a hard time?”

“i don’t give you a hard time,” jaehan denies. “i gave you time and you overused it. the scandal was long over about a month ago. how long did your ‘family emergency’ really last?”

chanyeol glowers, not liking the man’s accusatory tone. “are you trying to accuse me of something, jaehan?” in only rare times does he call his manager by his first name, but now is a rare time. this man has no respect for anyone.

“no.” his manager shrugs. “i’m not accusing you of anything. it’s just that i’ve been using my precious time to get you out of shit you shouldn’t be in; perhaps that family of yours?” 

chanyeol pauses. the blood drains from his face, his feels his heart beating quicker. how had his manager known? maybe he wasn’t the best liar, but he could totally fib to his manager’s face and the man would definitely believe it. how had he known he was back home for that very reason? despite the fear surging through him, he takes a calm breath and tries to look at his manager as cluelessly as he can. “what are you talking about?” he sighs. “i’m back, now you’re wasting time, no? saying all these things.”

jaehan stares at him for a moment before cracking a smile with an overly enthusiastic laugh, and being the annoying knee-slapper, it echoes throughout the room while the receptionist just types away at her computer. never in his life was he that happy that their lobby was empty since he entered the door, or rather side of the building where members of the company go. “o-oh, that’s hilarious!”

“is it? because i don’t see what’s so funny.”

“you w-wouldn’t,” the man gasps between hysterical laughter. “you can’t see yourself.” the receptionist finally throws jaehan a disgusted glance, tired of the man already, and chanyeol is not surprised.

“look, jaehan, you have me now. can i just, i don’t know, go?” the manager shrugs, still laughing, so chanyeol drops his shoulders in relief and walks right by him, nodding at the receptionist’s sorry eyes.

he was about to approach the elevator when the man suddenly started talking again. “oh, and, park!” he shouts, chanyeol stiffening before turning around. “your little friend wasn’t very discreet when he came here, what, almost two years?” his manager chuckles. “came right out and said it. and, you see, i wasn’t even your manager then. i was just a low-life employee, but i wasn’t going to let a star on the rise get ruined because of him. his words didn’t even make it to the big guy.”

the words strike a dangerous chord in chanyeol, angry at it all. how dare this man spoil something some precious to him? how dare he take it upon himself to hide things that only matter to chanyeol from him? he feels nothing but detest for this man. this man was nothing but abhorrent himself, so why doesn’t chanyeol return the favor?

it’s not like he didn’t know that sehun made a brave attempt to go and knock some sense into him back then and it ended up being a lost cause because he was never told, he knew it very well after baekhyun told him, but the fact that it was his manager even when the man did not have the rank he has currently, infuriated him. he was enraged by his manager’s unjustified actions to keep him from things that really would’ve changed his life forever.

“are you mad, park?” jaehan smirks.

but that smirk won’t last much longer. not when there’s a booming _you son of a bitch!_ and chanyeol is lunging for him. 

💎

“chanyeol.”

“hm?”

“we need to talk about this.”

“talk about what?”

his boss—a director at the tip top of the company—drops his pen to stare at the giant, an indifferent expression that chanyeol would prefer to not to see on the face of the man who could literally murder someone, throw the blame on him, and thus he’d be charged and arrested without a second thought to the matter, but he’s already dug his own grave and now he can’t get out. “don’t act like that. as if you didn’t just assault an employee here,” he says, but continues right as chanyeol begins to open his mouth. “and don’t deny it just because your manager said it. we have security cameras here. how many times are you going to run one of them off?”

chanyeol folds his arms in dismay, an unpleasant look on his own face. “how many times are you going to make me get a new manager? i’ve told that i’m fine on my own. jaehan will be the last of many.”

“it’s your first day back after a nearly 6-month long break, and you’re going to play that game with me? chanyeol, i don’t have time for this.”

“well then, why am i here?” chanyeol asks. “you could be doing your work and i could be doing mine right now if you hadn’t called this meeting.”

it was when he was walking out the elevator on the top floor after literally punching his manager across his stupid face while the gasping receptionist was left behind to laugh at him and then help him, that chanyeol received a call from lee soo-man, telling him to go to suho’s office. somehow the man had found out about it quicker than chanyeol could pull an escape plan, and since nearly everything in his life in seoul revolves around lee soo-man as well, he had to obey.

the older man narrows his eyes at the rapper sitting across from him, not liking that distant look he has in his eyes. “we both know this had to happen. you do realize that things like this can cost you your career? your name? this company’s name? people don’t idolize a person who acts against others with violence,” kim junmyeon lectures, a lesson he had recited several times in all two years of chanyeol being a newbie here.

“right...” chanyeol mutters. “but i don’t care about that.”

the director gapes, jaw drawn wide with appall. had his own artist just said this to him? right to one of the director’s of the biggest music label in all of south korea? “and why not?!”

“because that’s not the most important thing to me anymore.”

junmyeon buries his face in his hands, letting out a stressed groan. had he drank his coffee this morning, or has he not had enough? “chanyeol,” he says suddenly. “do you remember when you came here about, say, two and a half years ago?” and, oh god, here comes the real lecture. “you auditioned over tape three times until you finally came here for a physical one? do you remember what you said to me that day?”

what did chanyeol tell him? he doesn’t exactly remember, but it must’ve been important if a big guy at the top of the greatest entertainment company in korea remembered it. now he begins to wonder if this is boss’ way of begging him to fess up or whatever, because it’s not happening. he has not one single clue why he’s here right now when he only did the right thing by punching jaehan.

“no,” he answers honestly. one thing he’s learned about the elder is that the man sees past everything. he does not tolerate bending the truth even in the slightest. “i don’t.”

the boss nods, dropping his hands into his lap before looking the rapper right in the eye. “you said to me that day that you were there for a reason. we had asked you all to explain why you’re here and why you think you could make it in the industry. your answer was by far my favorite.”

it was? then why didn’t chanyeol remember it? if it were able to catch the mind of kim junmyeon, then why doesn’t he remember? it was only two years ago.

“you said, ‘i’m here because i have a dream. i want to work with music. i want to inspire people. i must leave a lot of good people behind for this, and i do hope you won’t just accept me because i did that, but because i love them and i’m giving up everything just to be here right now. hopefully, you’ll see that i’m not just a rapper or a singer, but i’m a human, i have flaws, and i’m still here.’ and that’s what made me think that you were fit for the position, chanyeol. because you were so dedicated. and you left a life behind for this. why don’t you care about it now?”

the giant’s fingers tighten around the arms of the chair he’s sitting in, his back as straight as a ruler. now that he’s been told of the words that once gifted him a spot at this company, he remembers it. he had told them to their faces that he will make mistakes two or some years ago. he had admitted that he had done it without asking, without telling the people he loved that he was abandoning them for a life they could not experience alongside him. now he hates himself for those words, for saying them with such confidence, because his one and only mistake was not messing up on stage or missing a move in the dance routine, it was leaving everything he ever loved behind with the mindset that it will embrace him when he returns.

“because i finally realized what i can’t live without,” he says with all certainty. “i was sure back then that i belonged here, making music to share with the world.”

“and what changed?” suho asks, curious.

“everything,” he replies. “everything changed.”

the director watches him, observes him, noticing the way he no longer has his eyes trained on him, how they’re looking away to who knows where. “you have something you want to tell me, chanyeol?”

should he? after all the lies he’s told in the last few months, after all the promises that everything is fine yet stressful, should he? should he put his efforts to protect his family to waste?

then he remembers jaehan’s words; _his words didn’t even make it to the big guy._ that meant junmyeon didn’t hear it either, right?

“actually, yes, junmyeon,” he breathes. “t-the reason i asked for a hiatus is not because of a family emergency...it’s because i met someone there that changed my life, you know?” chanyeol looks up to meet his boss’ eyes, the man raising an eyebrow in confusion. “when i came here more than two years ago, i left someone behind. i left my lover behind without giving him any closure. and in addition to that, i left my son behind.”

“...son?” the director asks, dumbfounded. “when you auditioned for this company, we asked you about that kind of stuff. why are we only hearing about this now?”

chanyeol sighs. “because i only found out about him when i went back home,” he says, closing his eyes. “i apparently was never supposed to find out about him...but things happen, you know?”

suho moves to clench his jaw, obviously displeased by the revelation. he understands, though. one of the artists has himself in a pickle, why wouldn’t he want to stay away from the spotlight while he works things out? “chanyeol,” he says. “you are a very talented man. one of our most talented, if i do say so myself. and i do believe that you will do nothing but good if you stay here, are you saying that you don’t want to be part of the company anymore?”

chanyeol’s gaze shoots to him and although there’s a painful stinging his heart that reminds him that there won’t be any reason to go home anymore after this, because he left everything behind twice and sadly, he played with baekhyun’s feelings unintentionally. if he goes back after this, who knows what will happen? baekhyun could be good and gone off to marry his date with yejun as the ring-bearer. “i—n-no, i’m not.”

kim junmyeon’s eyebrows furrow. “but what about your family? did you bring them with you?”

“uh...no. i’m coming back.”

“what?!” the director shouts suddenly, standing up from his seat. chanyeol looks away again. “you go back, find out about your son, only to leave again? he must be, what, one? two? chanyeol!”

“i know!” chanyeol yells back, tears brimming in his eyes. “but i don’t deserve him! or baekhyun! they’re better off without me...” chanyeol’s head falls and arcs into a bow, disappointed in not only himself but his words as well. how is that his excuse? how is that an excuse at all?

the elder paces, dismayed and crestfallen that a person he’s watched grow in the past two years from a heartbroken boy to a hardworking but lovesick man, has done the unthinkable. chanyeol who stated the first day they crossed paths and the teenager didn’t even know who the director really was and said all those words to him, told him that he’s only _human_ and he makes _mistakes_ and he left someone, a multitude of people, _behind_ to chase a dream he could’ve done both with them or without them, yet he opted for the latter. he could’ve chosen the former, talked to everyone and did everything regardless of their thoughts and opinions, but he left them.

“park,” the man says, gnawing on his lip. had a director, one of an entertainment company to add to that, ever been this way? probably not. “the biggest thing about making bad decisions is that they pay off. you’re always going to go for the more selfish of two options because you’re human and that’s what humans do.”

“fuck,” the younger groans. “i know this, okay? you told me about my audition two years ago and blah, blah, blah—but i can’t hear it anymore, because everywhere i go, i hear it!”

junmyeon wags his finger at chanyeol with a _don’t you even dare_ look. “no, no, no. you need to hear this. a mistake is the best decision ever made because you learn something from it. now, that's not to say you should intentionally make a mistake, but if it happens, try not to look at it as a mistake," he tells him with the same kind voice he uses on everyone. years of practice and patience have lead him to the unsubtle level of stoicism and equilibrium. junmyeon watches regular people with talent grow into stars, he watches how money and fame affects them, but not all the same—he’s seen many kinds of people; those who strive to show the world who they are, those who are just there to be there and be accepted, and those who abuse the privilege of being a global artist. “what did you learn the first time you left? you must reflect on what’s happened and what’s been the result of other decisions, chanyeol. it’s part of life. think about that. think about it all before you make a choice like this.” junmyeon glances down at this watch. “i have lunch with yixing at 4, so i won’t be here any longer. go home, wherever home is right now, and think about this.”

chanyeol nods and hugs the elder goodbye, missing the way the man always had a knack for encouraging people. and, lo and behold, he’s been encouraged. suho is right; he needs to think about things before he comes to a conclusion and mars things even worse than before. “bye, junmyeon,” he says.

“goodbye, chanyeol. and remember to think, but not too much with the brain, with the heart instead. what the heart wants, it gets.” chanyeol watches as the man disappear as he rounds the corner while he just stands there, staffs with paperwork and computers passing by him as if he’s invisible. to some people, he is. if he weren’t a popular rapper, he wouldn’t be anything to them, but to baekhyun? like the elder used to tell them, he would be many things.

he walks through the halls of the headquarters, going down the lift and not enjoying because he’s been squashed by a bunch of ignorant employees. and lastly, as he walks through the doors to reach the parking lot, he watches his car get towed away.

“what the fuck?!” he shouts, frozen in his spot as the truck rolls by, kwon jaehan standing parallel to him as he gets in his own car. his ex-manager smiles patronizingly at him, but all he can do is raise the middle finger back and shout numerous profanities.

that’s how he ends walking to the train station while the rain pours down on him, soaking him through his coat and mask. these are times he questions his actions the most. like, if he had never left early this morning when baekhyun was so beautifully passed out, he wouldn’t be in this situation right now. he would warm next to baekhyun, and quite possibly, he would be _in_ baekhyun. oh, what an amazing thing to feel again. if only the good things could last longer.

approaching the metro station, he begins pondering on the director’s words. _a mistake is the best decision ever made because you learn something from it._ had he learnt something? yes. he learnt what heartbreak and pain really looked like after watching an incomplete baekhyun for the past half a year. he also learned that it was because of him that baekhyun’s heart throbbed painfully. but he did the same over again, didn’t he? don’t we just make the same mistakes all over again, or do we actually learn from them? do we continue until it stops, or do we try our best to cease the problems ourselves? none of these questions could he answer.

his shoes patter against the concrete stairs, echoing off the walls until they finally plop down on the flooring of the station. the tunnel is as fairly bright as he remembers, people walking by with bags thrown over their shoulders and phones held up to their ears. he hears one lady shouting into her phone. he continues making the same route he remembers leads straight to the neighborhood his apartment resides in, ignoring the bright screens casting ads on the walls. if only he had been able to drive his car and had never parked in the fire lane when he’d beefed with his manager only an hour earlier.

chanyeol stands with the crowd, mask covering his face. he waits like a normal citizen does by the train, until the train actually pulls up and the doors slot open, the crowd increasing as people exit the train as well.

he puts his earbuds in as soon as he’s inside, opting to play the ignorance card with his surroundings. he really doesn’t want to stand here for a pretty long while (if you ask him) and listen to babies crying, people shouting at each other over a seat, or the blaring speakers.

but as chanyeol’s gaze wonders not from the inside of his very own train, but the train parallel to his own, he spots a very familiar figure donning a big coat with a huge, an unsurpassable smile on his face, his heart stops.

the train had just made its stop. what the _hell_ was baekhyun doing in seoul? right after chanyeol?

or it couldn’t be baekhyun, he actually has no idea.

but sure enough, when the man turns to glance around at the crowd inside the train, his eyes meet chanyeol’s from inside the other train. chanyeol begins to think he might recognize him, he might see him and come running for him, but he doesn’t. all baekhyun sees is a man with a mask.

baekhyun un-boards like the rest of his fellow train-riders, a little clumsy from inexperience.

for once, chanyeol sees baekhyun, but baekhyun doesn’t recognize him.

for once, chanyeol lets him go.

💎

“what do you mean he’s not here?!” the shout resonates through the lobby of the headquarters, where a few people loiter and stare, but baekhyun cannot find it in himself to care.

“i’m sorry, sir, but mr. park left a little while ago. he doesn’t even produce here, actually. he has his own studio,” the receptionist says.

“i came all this way, and he’s not here?!”baekhyun stresses, his face painted a deep shade of passionate red. he’s pissed, livid, that he came all that way here just to have his chances stripped away from him.

the lady at the desk breathes in, visibly overwhelmed, before opening her eyes and trying her best to appear gentle with him. “i’m sorry. but i can’t tell you about mr. park, either. we use confidentiality here and since mr. park is a celebrity, we must be extra cautious. he won’t be back until tomorrow for his meeting with the directors.”

“well, i don’t have all day!” he protests. “i have a child waiting at home for me. i can’t stay here until tomorrow. chan—mr. park is someone i need to see at this very moment.”

“and i’m sorry, mr...?”

“byun, byun baekhyun.”

“mr. byun, but i can’t allow you to just barge into this company without proper identification. we take serious precautions when it involves our artists. so no, i cannot get mr. park for you.”

baekhyun audibly groans. “can’t you just...call him? i swear i don’t have a criminal record. i promise.”

the receptionist bites back a stressed expression. “no. we don’t usually bother our employees at this time. mr. park is at his apartment, and the address is undisclosed for a reason. now, mr. byun, i’m kindly asking you to leave.”

if only he knew the location of chanyeol’s apartment, he would’ve already been there. but he doesn’t. and the worst part about this is that if he had asked chanyeol more about what life in seoul was like, about what he felt, he would know. but the entire topic was avoided by baekhyun in fear of the restoration of memories he really doesn’t want to remember. he wishes he’d asked chanyeol more about what his side of the story was instead of just sticking to his own. then, maybe everything would’ve been alright.

“ma’am,” baekhyun spits. “wherever park chanyeol is, i need to see him.”

“right, i get that,” the receptionist says. “but i’m afraid i can’t tell you where he is right now. i would let you pass if you weren’t so completely _deranged_ , but it’s my job to supervise,” she adds.

baekhyun gapes. “deranged?! you didn’t just call me deranged! well, i’d like to see what you’re like when you’ve had somebody’s kid, made up with them, fucked them, but they suddenly leave! i’d really like to see what state you’d be in. i doubt you’d be any better, lady. now let me see the father of my child!”

the lady’s eyes widen and she jumps from her seat when baekhyun (maybe or maybe not truly a little deranged) raises a hand in the air. “security!” she shouts, dodging baekhyun’s fist. “come and get this pyscho!”

“psycho?!” baekhyun gasps. “i’m the psycho? huh, lady? well, fuck you!” the brunet reaches for her once more before he’s dragged back by two pairs of muscular arms, two men pulling him into an inescapable hold against his will. “hey! let go of me!”

and accidentally, he’s so angry that he doesn’t notice the fact that he literally just punched a security guard. the men tighten their grip around his body, dragging him away from the lobby full of incredulous onlookers, while the receptionist straightens her pencil skirt snobbishly before sitting back down with a huff.

to hell with everything.

💎

chanyeol sighs at the emptiness of the apartment—the monochromatic loneliness that makes him want to completely redesign the entire room, if he were allowed to do that. the place feels worse than before since there’s no sehun to make fun of him regularly, no kyungsoo to constantly knee him in the crotch, and most importantly, no baekhyun and yejun to play with him. he is revoked of all the things he came to cherish and understand and love.

this room, this building, this entire damn city (with the exception of baekhyun being here) does not make him happy.

his food tastes like shit. going months without ever cooking for himself, eating out with sehun and having baekhyun cook for him, has done him no good in having any individuality or independence whatsoever.

this place is too silent. the jollification in noise and brightness is now a pocket of inexplicable, dreadful silence. he feels trapped between the walls of a reducing space, claustrophobic beneath the surfaces closing in on him without stopping. he swears he could hear an ant crawling across the floor right now if there wasn’t at least the television filling some of the barrenness.

his heart feels numb. filled with a sense of regret and self-loathing, he wants to slap himself. he wants to walk outside and provoke a drunk an alleyway and willing allow them to punch him. anything to distract him from the sensation he feels within. he made a mistake, but aren’t mistakes the best kind of decisions?

chanyeol startles when his phone suddenly buzzes on the table. he reaches over and looks at the number. it’s an unknown number he’s never seen before, not even once in his life, and his company advises that he does not answer phone calls from unspecified callers due to infatuated fans, spam callers, and other potentially dangerous things he’s never had too much concern about. but does he ever really listen to his company? does he really obey them? he literally beat up his strangely incompetent manager mere hours ago. he’s most definitely not a pushover.

“hello?” he answers the phone.

the other line is silent for a moment. but then, “ _uh...c-chanyeol_?”

in fractions of a second, he sits erect in his bed, frozen. “baek?”

“ _yes...um, chanyeol_ —“

“what the hell are you doing in seoul?” he interrupts with the one question that’s been nagging at him since he saw baekhyun on the train, way before he can even control himself.

“ _h-how’d you know i’m here_?” the elder asks on the other end.

“i saw you earlier.”

“ _you did? where_?”

“on the train,” chanyeol answers, his eyes focusing on the wall opposite to him that’s distracting him from the voice telling him to explain to baekhyun exactly why he left again.

“ _oh_ ,” the smaller replies shortly. “ _well then, why didn’t i see you_?”

he hates that they’re speaking so kindly, so normally, as if baekhyun totally didn’t wake up this morning alone covered in the semen chanyeol deemed was too comfortable of him to clean himself, which was actually quite selfish and something he regrets. he hates that baekhyun just so happens to be here the same day he left. coincidence? he thinks not.

“the mask.”

“ _right, well, can i just say something real quick_?”

chanyeol unknowingly nods. “uh...yeah, sure.”

“ _i hate you_.”

it catches the younger by surprise, disliking the words that he receives over the phone. he’s heard those words lots of times, mostly jokingly, but hearing them come so angrily by a small daydream named byun baekhyun makes them all the more painful. 

“w-why?” he doesn’t believe he needs to ask why, and he most certainly doesn’t, but he still does so. all for a reason.

he hears baekhyun bitterly laugh. “ _because you left me, again, chanyeol_!” he cries. “ _i thought this was the last time. i thought last night was supposed to settle things_.”

it was. it really was. but lying next to baekhyun on the couch as the elder slept but the younger lied wide awake, gave him a lot of time for unnecessary thought. he began to wonder if he was good enough to allow himself to be in baekhyun’s life, he questioned whether or not he belonged there. he concluded he didn’t. not after what he did, not after who he abandoned for the sake of some stupid dream that led them to the downfall of their relationship. he labeled himself undeserving.

all of that time led him to sneaking off the couch, avoiding the sleeping male in his arms, pulling on his clothes and gathering what little stuff he had. then he snuck into sehun’s apartment and thank god the younger was probably half-asleep over the engine of a car, because he got out safely. he then proceeded to leave the town. he progressed through the worry and the perception, he traveled back to where he used to convince himself was his “home”. and had committed the same fucking mistake that ruined it all.

“it...was,” he whispers, not even able to convince himself of his words.

“ _well, where were you? when i woke up? when i panicked, but knew in the very back of my mind that you were gone for a second time?! when i worried about what i would do now that you weren’t there to be my emotional support? when i cried over what my baby’s reaction would be to his father’s disappearance? when i called sehun and the little bitch was the only person who could comfort me? where were you then_?!”

chanyeol closes his eyes painfully. “i was gone, baekhyun, and you have no idea how much i hate myself for doing it.”

baekhyun doesn’t answer, he only lingers on the other end, the occasional muffled shuffling around and sporadic jingles—wait, jingle? “ _you’re lucky, chanyeol.”_

“w-why?”

“ _because i’m giving you a second chance to explain yourself after you come pick me up_.”

chanyeol’s eyebrows furrow. “pick you up from—“

“ _three minutes are up, byun!_ ” comes a shout from the other end and a heavy sigh that follows. only one word runs through chanyeol’s mind as the line suddenly goes dead from being hung up without a proper farewell.

chanyeol only knows one place where they offer three minutes on the phone and three minutes only.

 _jail_.


	22. The Art of Trying Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last official chapter to this story!! thank you all for reading, it means so much!! i have loved writing this, i have loved being able to show people my writing, and despite many mistakes and errors, i am very proud.  
> sorry for any mistakes!! 💖

chanyeol has only ever been to a jail once before, and trust him, it was not a pleasant experience.

being the senseless teenager he was when he first moved to seoul, he never suspected it was a big problem to do underage drinking. back in his hometown, it was a normal thing and if the authorities were to ever investigate it, they wouldn’t find anything. kids were, and still are, quite sneaky.

ever wonder how he became acquainted with kim junmyeon? well, the first time was actually at his audition, but he had simply assumed the man was a staff member that was there to show support for potential trainees, but never would he have thought that the man was one of the company’s most prominent directors.

it was one night that chanyeol had used the same fake i.d. he used back in his hometown (which, strangely, no one ever caught on to) to buy soju one lonely night where the lights in the streets were the only thing to accompany him. he never liked being at home, really, especially when he knew where his real home was; definitely not in seoul. so he decided it would be better to drink in the park.

turns out, that was a horrible idea. he was pretty drunk when he encountered a patrolman in the park who was just doing his job. either people in his hometown were just blind, or the patrolman could read his mind, because the officer took him in on underage drinking. there was no warning, which they usually had, especially since the giant had made the dumb decision of leaving a few empty bottles scattered on the grass, which counted as littering. so for the first time in his life, park chanyeol sat in a police car and ended up sleeping in a jail cell.

by the morning, he was hungover and completely disoriented. he had no idea where he was or how he’d ended up there, at a police station.

“park chanyeol,” the officer had muttered, the keys strapped to his leather belt being the only sound to occupy the space after that. “say...are you a trainee at sm entertainment?”

for a moment, chanyeol had been alarmed, thinking this man had done an entire background check on him (which probably actually happened). “uh...yes, why?”

“do you know kim junmyeon?”

as in kim junmyeon, the infamous director he’s heard of, but never really met before? he thought.

“y-yeah.

the police officer raised his eyebrows, relaxing his shoulders to not look so strict. “he’s told me about you before.”

really?! was all he could think of in the moment, completely forgetting about his entire situation. he was shocked, to put it lightly, by the words, but he was also extremely elated to know that junmyeon, rather suho, knew of his existence. “wha—r-really?”

the officer nodded. “yep, he’s a good friend of mine. tells me you’re very talented. it’s a shame to see you here, you know.”

chanyeol bowed his head in shame, disappointed in himself. the officer had probably already told suho about his being arrested for his crimes. what would that mean for his future?

“i know.”

“don’t worry, though, kid,” the officer had said. “junmyeon is very patient and forgiving. you’re lucky he’s on his way here already.”

it took chanyeol a moment to register his words, a little confused by everything and already damaged by his blazing headache. but when he finally understood those words, when it finally dawned on him what the officer had told him, he looked up, appalled.

“w-what?!”

but the officer was long gone down the rows of cells. tattooed men sat across from him, many arrested on drug offenses stayed there, and many were just the homeless folks trying to find a place to stay for the night.

and soon enough, some thirty minutes later, he was released. kim junmyeon, surprisingly the man who he had addressed at his audition, stood in front of him. he doesn’t dare speak, afraid of what he might say and the response he might get.

“i see potential in you, park. so much potential. and as much as my mind tells me to abide by company rules and to take away your traineeship for your senseless actions, i think you’re an amazing person. i’m going to let this go and the superiors will most likely never hear of this, but i don’t want this to happen ever again, okay? i’m giving you a second chance, i expect you to use it wisely,” was what the man had told him as he ushered chanyeol into his car, voice soft and gentle. needless to say, chanyeol was without words and had fanatical gratitude for the director.

thus, an amazing friendship was made between the two, chanyeol always having the man to go to for any problems, because the elder understood him even though chanyeol never fully elaborated his situation back home. and junmyeon always came to chanyeol when he needed help looking for the ideal idol; a person who was talented, smart, mannered, (sorta) responsible, and passionately dedicated to everything.

he had never uncovered quite how junmyeon knew exactly what had happened in the park that very night that ended in iron bracelets, nor had he tried to do so in attempt of forgetting the entire thing ever took place. sure, he wondered how the hell a man was able to walk in and with the snap of his fingers, completely erase a mistake that could've have tainted chanyeol's reputation forever. how he had hid it from the superiors was beyond chanyeol, but he never bothered to find out. because going to jail is not fun and he definitely doesn't want to experience it again.

but going to jail for someone else was even worse.

“baekhyun,” chanyeol had said as he stood up, watching the officer un-cuff the bearer of his child. he scrutinized the way the elder bowed his head shamefully when the officer pats his back, telling him that he should be more careful next time. baekhyun really does need to be more careful.

“what was that?” he asks now that they’re in car, the smaller still remaining mum. “i mean, you don’t get arrested on just anything, especially _public physical assault and illegal loitering_. what the hell happened?”

baekhyun still made no eye contact with him, opting to stare out the window at their surroundings. chanyeol decides it was probably better to give baekhyun some time since he not only experienced what it was like to be incarcerated for the first time, but also because he knows that if he rushes baekhyun, pressures him, he won’t get anything truthful out of him.

the way baekhyun chooses to be quiet, despite being quite loud when he feels like it, reminds chanyeol of when junmyeon asked him to explain his problems in great detail, how he just sat there and refused to answer. he was too shocked then to answer a man who could ruin him with just a snap of his fingers. luckily for him, junmyeon had also been patient. he allowed chanyeol to think things through before confessing. he’d also been very forgiving, as the trusty police officer had promised him, and he only nodded when chanyeol told him about what’d happened and vaguely about his homesickness.

now that he thinks about, chanyeol wants to be like junmyeon. he wants to treat others as if they were his equal and as if he were never their superior. chanyeol wants to be patient while also being determined, he wants to be forgiving while also being disciplinary, to be great while also being humble. suho was the true ideal man; a great thinker, a devoted company head, a gentle mentor, and a faithful husband.

chanyeol has only met yixing, junmyeon’s husband, once, but he already knew why the man had fallen for the director. yixing, too, was very kind and gentle. he spoke softly and smiled at people like he knew them from first glance. that’s what chanyeol likes about the both of them, that despite them not having any kids or younger and less experienced in terms of life people, they were very embracing and were like parents all in themselves.

arriving at the apartment building he had been assigned to, chanyeol parks in the garage, and subconsciously, in the same spot he always does.

“this is it.”

it’s not big, not huge, but he still catches the way baekhyun marvels to himself when they’re in the elevator at the bright lights of the city through the glass walls. he still notes how the smaller’s hands lightly grasp his shirt as they near chanyeol’s floor. he still hears how baekhyun gasps just barely audibly when they walk out and chanyeol leads him down a long hall with nice carpet. and just how big baekhyun’s eyes get when they walk inside his dorm, the one he has all to himself, and he sees the view of the city out of the large glass windows.

“like what you see?” chanyeol says amusedly as if he hadn’t totally abandoned his family for the second time this morning. “right there is the lotte world tower.” he points to the towering building a few miles away from his own, the curve of one of the sides making it easily distinguishable.

baekhyun gasps, his hand covering his mouth. chanyeol watches his reaction from the side, seeing the lights reflect in his beautiful eyes. “really?”

chanyeol smiles and nods. “yep. it’s huge.” and that was all he had to say for a while, leaning back on his heels as he glances out the window as well, watching the cars in the street below roll by like ants in a line formation. the city is staggeringly different than what...he became used to again.

baekhyun swallows for a moment, gulping in what air he can. “i...came here for you.”

“what?”

he turns to chanyeol, seeing the giant’s eyes looking so beautifully wide and sparkly. “i came here for you. i’m not letting you go.”

“baekhyun—“

“no,” the elder spits. “not now. i’m not letting you break our hearts a second— _third_ time.”

chanyeol blinks at him, his entire reasoning for leaving the second time being the very center of the conversation. “baekhyun, you’ll never understand anything.”

“what?!” the smaller shouts, enraged by just the smallest sentence. “what won’t i understand? isn’t that w-what couples are supposed to do together? figure things out?”

“but, baek,” chanyeol says. “we’re not a couple.”

baekhyun steps back, appalled. chanyeol wonders where the completely calm and composed byun baekhyun that was here just moments ago has disappeared to. he understands, he really does. he cannot believe he would say something like that to the face of someone who gave his child life, who gave him love when he wasn’t even there to accept it. gone is the kind, somewhat impatient, partially responsible parent. in his place are the remains of someone whose broken heart tries to revive itself, to beat again.

“b-but we’re just like one, chanyeol...is that not enough for you?” oh, it’s enough. even an overwhelming amount. but it’s of something he cannot have simply in rebuttal of his owns selfish wants. “a c-child, yeol? is that not enough? we can be a family, you just have to let us back in, chanyeol, please...”

but as convincing (and heartbreaking) the tears swimming in baekhyun’s eyes may be, chanyeol stands firm by diverting his gaze. “no, baekhyun. no. you need to go back home and take care of our son.”

“by myself...?” baekhyun asks, his lower lip trembling pitifully. “see, you even identify town as home, don’t you? why can’t you just face it, chanyeol? you don’t belong here!”

“i came here for a reason.” his expression is grim.

“yes, but surrounded by all these lavish things for rich people, things you never see on our side of south korea, you are not you. here, you strive to please everyone else, because you’ve beaten yourself up your entire life, and you didn’t dare listen to me! not once!”

“why would i listen to you?!” chanyeol questions loudly, the words baekhyun says already causing a pulsing in his temple. “why would i listen to you when you had no plan for the future, no plan for anything? i can’t live like that, baekhyun!”

tears sprung from those sparkling eyes, permeating his eyelashes, soaking his cheeks, causing one little droplet of saltiness settle on the very tip of the most adorable button nose he’s ever seen. “because if you had listened to me, you would’ve heard that i loved you more than anyone could! this entire dream you had about being the best blinded you from seeing who and what you already had! if you had listened to me...we could’ve gone to seoul together and you wouldn’t have to be so lonely.”

chanyeol shakes his head, his jaw clenching tightly. there was no way that baekhyun was telling him it was possible they could be together again. in the end, the truth always comes wrapping other’s around its finger, exposing a façade of lies hidden beneath pure goodness. “i’m not lonely. i’m doing what i’m passionate about, baek, i can never get lonely when i have that.”

“you’re wrong,” baekhyun says with a wavering voice, poking at finger at chanyeol’s stiff chest. “you’re completely wrong. i can see it in your eyes when you feel alone. that’s how this place makes you feel.”

“it doesn’t,” he persistently denies.

“it does. i know that it makes you feel that way because i’ve seen those eyes before, yeol. not in you...but myself. i see them in myself every time i look in the damn mirror and think about the future we could’ve had! i’m not blaming you, and i’m not blaming me, but our future could’ve been a hell of a lot better if we had worked things out like couples should!”

“when will you see it, baekhyun?” chanyeol asks, hiding his wavering words behind a cough. the words he has to says next are the words he dreads to say, that any father, husband, boyfriend that loves his family would kill themselves before saying. however, as dreadful as they may be, he has no other words to back himself up. baekhyun has already counter-attacked him with an insurmountable amount of evidence to support his own argument, and chanyeol is left with nothing but a dry spring in a desert to resort to, the one that drips liquid fire, spills horrid poison that doesn't even need pricked flesh to infect the bloodstream. “i don’t love you anymore.” and oh god, how it hurts. how he wishes he could turn back time and pretend he had never said those words. he wishes this was just a vision in his sleep, a nightmare that he could pinch himself and wake up from. but deep down, he knew it wasn’t.

chanyeol is glad that he not looking at baekhyun to see his response, his reaction. can’t he just, he doesn’t know, turn into dust and fly away with the wind?

“how dare you,” is what he hears. “how dare you say those words straight to my face when you touched me last night in a way that any other man could be touching me if i weren’t cautious enough? how dare you! how can you still stand in front of me and say that when our child rests peacefully in my best friend’s arms instead of mine—ours! you son of a bitch!” baekhyun shouts, his voice the loudest chanyeol has ever heard. even louder than the voice baekhyun used to curse at the school bus when it pulled away without him getting on.

“baekhyun,” chanyeol says. “this isn’t a worthy discussion. i don’t want to break your heart even more, trust me. i just... don’t love you anymore.” behind closed eyes, he can feel the building up of tears that would fall if he abruptly opened them. he can feel the way his heart feels as if it’s out of place, as if it’s all the way down in his stomach.

“you can’t say that to me,” baekhyun cries. “y-you can’t. i’ve done...everything for you. do you realize that? i allowed my son, the boy i went through the pain of giving birth to, the boy i spent my dear sweet time working to provide everything for, to see you. i let you into my home, my only safe place. i confessed things to you i would never tell another soul in the world. i opened my already scarred heart up to you, and you abused that opportunity.” chanyeol is sure he falls to his knees when there’s a muffled _plop_. “i love you.”

_i love you._

oh, how he wishes to say it back. how he wishes to fall beside baekhyun and take the carrier into his arms. to let him cry on his shoulders. to let him finally rest with assurance that chanyeol will always be there for him.

_if only he could._

he yearns he could, more than anything. but chanyeol fears that coming back into baekhyun’s life completely, that if they were what they used to be but better, he would end up making a mistake. and it’s more than self-evident to chanyeol that if baekhyun gets hurt once more, he will just end up a skeleton of a person. baekhyun is never prepared to be hurt, he never plans things out, which was one thing that chanyeol has never liked about the way the elder does things, so he becomes more and more vulnerable with every blow.

_if only he could protect him._

if only...he could be there. he would be baekhyun’s guard, he would be the towering shield he used to be when guys used to try things on baekhyun. if he was there, there’s not doubt that there would be no chance that anyone or anything else could tear the bearer of his child apart even more. chanyeol has a responsibility named byun baekhyun. he cares for baekhyun when he isn’t even present. hence why after arriving in seoul, he transferred a large sum of money into baekhyun’s account, so he would spend less time working and more time with their son. he made sure there was enough money so that baekhyun could potentially purchase a car, a new apartment, and quite possibly, a new life. if only chanyeol knew that money cannot buy happiness.

“i love you. why are you doing this?” baekhyun sobs. chanyeol’s eyes can’t bear to open. “i can’t live without you—not again. w-why?”

“you don’t need me.”

“i-i do,” the elder hiccups. “i care about your dreams, but seeing the way you changed from your reappearance to last night, i can tell something isn’t right. chanyeol, i know you. you don’t feel at home here.”

chanyeol clears his throat. “you have no idea how i feel.”

“you act like knowing you since freshmen year of high school doesn’t mean anything. i know you love me...because you never fell out of love with me. just like i never fell out of love with you.”

finally, sorely red eyes meet teary ones, and emotions are surging. neither can tell if it’s love, hate, anger, or sadness. maybe it’s all a mixture.

“this isn’t your home, because wherever we are is your home. yejun and i both. just like wherever you are, i feel home.”

“don’t do this to yourself, baekhyun,” the taller grimly replies. “i am nothing but the man you used to date, the one who broke your heart. i’m the man who left you and yejun behind for my own dreams. i’ll never be anything more than that. besides, you have a boyfriend.”

“a boyfriend?” baekhyun asks confusedly as he rises from his place on the floor. “you mean jinyoung?” chanyeol nods, diverting his gaze. “he’s not my boyfriend. he’s someone i thought would be able to take away my feelings for you. but he can’t. he even helped me realize that i’m still in love with you and that i never stopped being in love with you.”

“why don’t you just go back to him?” chanyeol inquires. “he could give you so much more a life than i could. he wouldn’t break your heart. he’ll be with you while i’m here, doing the same selfish things i always end up doing.” his large hands begin to settle in pockets, but he almost jerks back from surprise when two cold and significantly smaller ones grab his, breaking his aversion to looking baekhyun in the eye. the smaller envelopes chanyeol’s hands on his own, his own calloused skin being notably different than the soft ones.

baekhyun blinks away the remaining tears, letting the ones fallen prior to dry on his cheeks. “do you think i imagine waking up next to him everyday? do you think i visualize a world, a family with him? because i’ll tell you right now, honestly, i don’t. he has two girls, you know? they’re his everything, like...like you and our son are mine. he lost his wife to a terminal illness, she’s gone forever, but you don’t have to be. i mean it when i say i can’t live without you. i can’t think of being with anyone but you. you know me more than my own best friend does, you know that? you know me better than anyone else. you’re my...soulmate. i promise you. and i don’t break promises.”

the tears finally fall, those hands clutch his own, and the trembling structure of his own heart rebuilds itself. never in his life would he have thought that baekhyun imagined having a family with him—meaning more kids together, right? “you wanted a family with me?”

“not wanted. want,” baekhyun breathes with a gleam in his eyes, a soft smile on his face. how can he have sympathy for a man like chanyeol when the giant has ruined everything?

“how do you know i love you?” chanyeol asks curiously.

“because it becomes pretty easy to catch when you’ve seen it in yourself, chanyeol,” baekhyun answers. “when you’ve seen yourself grow from a total dump to an entirely new person, you find that it’s not just the association that makes a difference. it’s the fact that i can say proudly that not once have i ever fallen out of love with you.” his smile is anything but contemptuous. “and i never plan to,” he adds.

“b-baekhyun,” chanyeol stutters over his words. how will he manage to say two sentences, one extremely painful and difficult, and one that makes the butterflies brewing in his stomach flutter, in one day? “i...i’m sorry. leaving again was never to hurt you. it was another horrible decision of mine that i thought would end up doing you good, but that was futile. i feared that i could hurt you again. i thought i was unworthy. i still think i am—“

“shh...” baekhyun admonishes, patting his cheek lightly like a mother to her son. is this the result of parenthood? “you are not unworthy. we both have our faults, like we have said many times in the past. i used to think that yejun was a mistake, but he’s...he’s everything now. i can’t imagine what life would look or be like if i had gone through with the abortion.”

mistake.

“ _a mistake is the best kind of decision ever made because you learn something from it_ ,” he whispers, eyebrows furrowed in thought.

baekhyun looks at him confusedly. “what’d you say?”

“a mistake is the best kind of decision ever made because you learn something from it,” he recites, not noticing how his fingers are knotted with baekhyun’s slender ones.

“oh,” the smaller hums. “where’d you hear that?”

“just from a very important someone who kept me safe while i was here. not as important as you, or yejun, of course, but someone who inspired me to be the best i could be, not push myself past the limits. and...the one to make me realize that...mistakes can have a bright side,” he tells, marveling in the way baekhyun’s eyes light up.

chanyeol only notices how close they when baekhyun rests his chin on the taller’s sternum. “well, how can i thank this person?”

chanyeol laughs softly, looking out at te city whilst smiling dreamily. “by letting me come home with you, if that's alright. by letting me raise our family with you. he would like that.”

“hmm...” baekhyun hums. “maybe. but what do you say, mr. park? no more leaving?”

chanyeol smiles, this time directly at baekhyun, fixating his hands on either side of baekhyun’s face. “no more leaving. i pro—“

“ah,” baekhyun stops him. “don’t promise me anything.”

“well then, what do you want me to do?”

baekhyun grins. “kiss me and tell me you love me.”

“i love you.”

the smaller raises his eyebrows at him for a moment, looking quite smug. “i love you, too.”

he kisses him.

it’s sealed.

💎

the tower comes falling apart before his eyes, blocks of wooden numbers, letters, objects scattered across the floor.

kyungsoo coos while watching the boy pout, his own son, taeoh, curiously poking away at one piece of the contraption that fell to his feet. “that’s alright, yejunnie. you can try again.” the boy nods, still a little crestfallen. “and don’t worry, your papa and dada are on their way back home right this very moment. i just know they are.”

yejun looks at him with those sparkling wide eyes before reaching over and picking up the building blocks. “yejunnie try again,” he repeats in slight gibberish.

kyungsoo smiles, everything part of his entire devious, more so cunning, plan. “that’s right. just keep building.”

he watches as the boy uses chubby hands to pick up each block, one after the next. he sees the gleam in his eyes. he sees the most beautiful thing in a person, a _child,_ the desire to imagine. the intuition that fuels the ability to create, to be the change or difference you want in the world. kyungsoo watches as yejun, a mere toddler, uses the strength of his mind to craft something that may affect him for the rest of his life. 

and at this moment, kyungsoo knew.

the building blocks may come tumbling down, but there’s always a reason to build back up.

**fin.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's an extra chapter for jinyoung's fate and BOOM, a surprise character. i hope you like it.  
> ALSO, i will post a hunhan spin-off for this story would be very happy if you read it as well. there's lots of chanbaek there!!  
> leave me kudos or a comment, truly anything is very appreciated!!


	23. The Raven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise ending here, hope you like it. sorry for any mistakes!! 💖

###  _**'Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"'.** _

the male sighs, elbows perched on the wood of the tall counter. he’s been here all too many times, way too many times for a mere 25-year-old. but what can he say? he’s never had much luck with dating. 

“you sure you want more, man?” the bartender asks skeptically, an eyebrow raised as he gestures with his head towards the scotch. 

the customer nods. “on the rocks,” he replies, swallowing as he gulps down the rest of his last. 

don’t misunderstand. jinyoung is not here because he was in love with baekhyun after only a few weeks of knowing him (he’s not that naïve nor cliché), not because he’s moping over the fact that love is a constant struggle for him, but over the fact that he’s only been in love once and presumes that it’s bound to stay that way. love was meant for jinyoung to experience only once, never again. 

the bartender smiles sadly at him when he hands the customer the glass, watching as the crestfallen, tipsy man washes it down like a glass of water and leaves the ice clinking against the confines of its glass. 

the bar is the place where most people go to get things out of their system if not looking for a good time. while some come to find a hookup for the night, others come to de-stress or drink away a bad memory. sadly, after a long night at the bar, consuming drink after drink, the problem or memory doesn’t always go away. sometimes, it lingers. that’s exactly what’s happening to lee jinyoung right now. 

you must be wondering, why isn’t he at home with his kids? there’s one simple answer: he doesn’t want them to see him like this. ever since that meet-up with baekhyun, a person who he’d deemed promising in the prospects of romance, where the younger told him that jinyoung’s words from only their second date had made him realize something. he confessed that he’d been in love with someone since he’d had his heart broken. he also confessed to having a child, a fucking kid he could’ve told the elder about, and that his son’s father would never leave his heart. 

however, while jinyoung could’ve reacted badly, violently, he understood. because he meant what he said when he said it was okay for baekhyun to still be in love with someone else, since he not only meant it as words of reassurance for the younger, but also as a way for the smaller to escape a relationship he thought he wanted to be in, but really didn’t. 

baekhyun got his happy ending. 

their relationship, if you could even call it that, was minor and never meant to work out. jinyoung was simply made to play the role of the life counselor while baekhyun was the patient in dire need of guidance through a rough patch of pure turmoil. it was a test. jinyoung failed. 

knowing eunji would never return after leaving the hospital with two little girls in his arms who would never have a mother to call their own also made the young father come to the realization that he failed in all the important aspects of his life. he succeeded in school all throughout the duration of it. he secured a job. he made money to support his family. but he lost the most important person he’s ever had the gift of calling his wife and now has two daughters who spend the majority of their days with a babysitter. you really could call him the ultimate complete failure. 

“another one,” he calls, holding up his glass. 

the bartender shoots him a sorry glance. “hey, look, man. we’re about to close up. you look like you’ve got a family waiting for you at home, no? that wedding ring can’t just mean nothing,” the man tells him. jinyoung gulps and glances down at the wedding band wrapped around ring finger of his left hand, how the simple silver contrasts his skin. it reminds him of a promise he once made; a promise he couldn’t fulfill. 

jinyoung nods drunkenly. “t-thanks for the drinks, just put them on my tab. i’ll be on my way.” he shakily gets out of his chair, legs feeling like jelly beneath him. he sees the bartender go to say something in the corner of his eye, but the man is distracted by co-worker handing him the keys and telling him to lock up. so jinyoung walks away while he can. 

he tugs his jacket closer as he shuffles through a crowd outside the bar, the brisk air becoming too much for him. he lets out a shaky breath, the influx of people around him seeming to only overwhelm his already spinning mind. jinyoung hastily pushes away from the claustrophobic herd of people before he gets so dizzy that hysteria seems to overcome him. 

perhaps going out tonight was a horrible idea. he could tell you, it definitely was. there wasn’t anything thinking left to do on the subject. for he had once made a promise to his wife, his precious, amazing, beautiful spouse, that he would obey her written commands in her will if something ever happened. jinyoung never thought something would happen, he thought it was just being extremely precautionary. but she seemingly knew. she knew about it the entire time, wrote in her will that she will bear him children to love and cherish before her disease finally takes her life. 

jinyoung recalls the night he read her will like the back of his hand. it was one evening, after he finally managed to get the twins to bed whilst they were no older than two, that he sat down with a glass of wine and hopes for seeing what his love had left him to fulfill for her. however, none of it was what he was expecting.

eunji confessed in her will that she had known the entire time of her impending death, that her cancer would eventually overtake her and she would succumb to the misery that was she suffering from to the end of her life. she had written that she hoped he would try again when he was ready—to not be troubled with and mourn her absence for the rest of his life. that she wanted him to raise their beautiful girls—the ones she never had the chance to hold—the right way. to give them a good life, to pay attention to them, to love them...and to also be happy. the hardest part about it was that he couldn’t fulfill any of her wishes. 

jinyoung has been bitter since he first read it. because hell, he couldn’t do any of those. he simply could not try again without thinking of her, could not raise their children like she had hoped he would, couldn’t be happy. he could not be anything she wanted him to be. the ring sealing what was once their undying love was only a reminder of those promises he could not keep. 

jinyoung’s breath makes clouds in the coldness of the air, his shoes crunch what’s left of the dead leaves as he stumbles along his way. everything about this world is misery for jinyoung. everything except the small people he also makes promises to; again, promises he cannot keep. it’s nothing but anger at himself he feels when he agrees to something as simple as a walk in the park with his daughters, only to let them down with the excuse that work is too much. he hates to see the way their eyes light up, only to dull themselves all over again. it's every time he sees that sight that he thinks about what life will be like when they grow up and they don’t want him anymore, when they finally come to the understanding that jinyoung was never fit to be a father alone despite the two being the lights of his life. 

cars pass by on the street beside him. he’s new to this town. new to everything about it. he’s sure his kids are having trouble adjusting to a new babysitter, a new home, a new everything, except a new father. no, they have the same bastard to call a dad that they had last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. 

he likes the way this place is quiet. it’s nothing like his home back in daegu. it’s not loud like that city, not crowded and hard to get through. here, everything is just...small and underwhelming. it’s not desolate, but walking through the streets in the dead of night while nearly drunk makes him feel alone. the good kind of alone; the one where your thoughts aren’t pounding at your skull relentlessly. the ones where you almost feel at peace with yourself, but knowing that won’t last long and tomorrow, he’ll wake up to the same thing all over again. the same merciless hangover, the same unfamiliar apartment, and the same pissed babysitter who’ll probably quit this time. 

jinyoung stumbles upon his way, losing balance a couple of times while trying to find his way through the dark. it feels like everything’s hell at the very moment before, like icing on a cake infiltrated with poison, it begins raining. 

precipitation dances along his skin as he just grumbles and continues walking. what a horrible, absolutely disgusting excuse of a father he is. of a person. sure, he gets rejected by a person he barely knew, and he’s walking drunkenly through the rain and who knows what time. the droplets of water are like a million tiny problems that soak his being, making his clothing wet, his shoes fill up with water, and water drenches his hair until single drops are slowly traveling down the tendrils of his bangs. 

jinyoung thinks—in fact, he knows—that if he were to call baekhyun right now, the younger would pick up the phone. just by observing him and talking to him both physically, and not, has made jinyoung come to the understanding that baekhyun may try to be tough and impermeable, but inside he’s delicate (he knew this even before he knew about baekhyun’s situation with his son and the boy’s father) and genuinely considerate of other people. unlike most people would, baekhyun did just not send jinyoung a message that stated they simply were not going anywhere with whatever they had, he wanted to meet up personally. jinyoung values that in a person, however, there will never be another like eunji, and baekhyun is just further proof of the statement. 

the thunder clouds above clap loudly, sending a shiver down the father’s back as he gets colder and colder with the rain. 

looking up, he watches the shock of lightning as it lights up the sky, how it’s like veins through the darkness of the clouds and rain, how terrifying it looks. but how tempting it looks to just want to reach out with his fingertips and touch it, knowing exactly what it will do to him. 

but as he stops in the middle of the road to stare up at the sky like some kind of madman, he doesn’t hear the sloshing of shoes through flooding water from behind him. 

“sir!” someone calls, but jinyoung pays no mind. “sir, you forgot your keys! w-...what are you doing?” someone taps him on the shoulder. 

jinyoung snaps out of his stupor of staring up at the beauty of the sky amid stormy weather, and turns, only to find a smaller man behind him. he recognizes him as the bartender. “e-excuse me?” he slurs slightly, a little unbalanced on his feet. 

the man rushes forward, grabbing him by the shoulders to level him. “i said, you forgot your keys...but i think you’re forgetting a whole lot more than that.” the bartender scrutinizes his unruly state just as jinyoung’s eyes begin to close and the earth starts to move beneath his stationary feet. "holy shit!"

the last thing he hears is the small man cursing before the darkness overtakes him, but there’s no lightning to light up his sky.

**"and my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor**

**shall be lifted—nevermore!"**

a pair of eyes shoot open, a pulsing, busting wave of pain washing over him, through his skill and beneath the skin, through the muscles and tendons, infiltrating the blood flowing through his veins and arteries and capillaries. the ray of sunshine that flashes through windows adorned by no curtains makes him even more repulsed to the thought of opening his eyes. the person sitting next to him--whoever was reading 'the raven' to him word for word in almost a whisper--does not seem to audibly react, but jinyoung is not sure if he, an assumption made by the pitch of his voice, has yet noticed him starting to rouse. 

jinyoung's eyes eventually slide open to squint, his sight first catching a man skimming through what appears to be a poetry book that's sitting in his lap, a large sweater drawn over his shoulders with a fragile pair of glasses sitting on the tip of his nose. 

"poe, huh?" he murmurs, grunting when he feels a pulse in the middle of his forehead, like he could almost feel the blood rushing through his veins there.

the man looks up with a surprised expression, as if he expected jinyoung not to have woken up at all. he was just hungover, right? there was storm last night. all he remembers from it was the smack of thunderclouds, the flash of brutal lightning, and being flooded from head to toe with with rain water. now that jinyoung thinks about it, the man does look a little familiar. 

"y-you're awake!" the man exclaims, almost cutely. "sorry about that, i read to pass time." jinyoung nods, but stops when he begins to feel nauseous. "you must feel terrible. man, you really downed too much last night. i should've stopped you." he closes the book and stands up, walking away before jinyoung can say anything else. 

there's always those moments in life that make you think, _what the hell is happening?_

well, if the editor was honest, he would admit that that's exactly what he's thinking right now. because right now, he's not in his very own house, not with his very own family, in his very own bed, with his very own clothes on. he's in a slightly familiar stranger's bed (fortunately clothed), more hungover than he thought he would be at any point in time, and the short man who read poetry aloud to him has yet to return and answer any questions he has. 

but before he can think anymore of it in that barely functional brain of his, the man rounds the corner again, with a tray in his hands as he carefully balances what it holds. "here, i made some ginger tea. i helps with hangovers and nausea. i have a few alternatives, if you prefer something else." he sets the tray down on the side table, where a clock sits. 

_3:47pm_ , it reads.

fuck.

he averts his eyes, turning to where the poetry guy was handing him the mug with expectant eyes. carefully, as to not trigger any outcome of a long night of drinking, he props himself up on his elbows and accepts the drink before holding it up to his lips. he, despite having consumed this useful beverage time and time again, still grimaces at the bitter taste. "um, thank you...?"

the man widens his eyes cutely, smiling apologetically. "oh, you can call me minseok, and you're welcome. how are you feeling?"

the father exhales. "sick, but the ginger tea really helps." they settle back into silence, the awkward atmosphere just becoming too much to handle at the moment for the young father. he watches from the corner of his eye as minseok holds up a glass of steaming liquid, presumably tea as well, though jinyoung doubts it's ginger for a hangover, and takes a sip. the other man smiles, so then jinyoung knows it's definitely not ginger tea he's drinking. "so, you read poe, huh?" he asks, looking back over to the closed book. 

minseok smiles. "of course. bartending is not all that i do. i've made it a hobby to sit back and read some good poetry to let the earth spin faster. today just happened to be poe."

"you're the bartender?" jinyoung asks. 

"the one that ran out after you last night because you forgot your keys? yeah," he replies with a nod. "couldn't just let you walk out in the rain like that. i have some decency," minseok adds teasingly. 

the editor just chuckles. "how drunk was i?"

"...not that drunk, actually. it just didn't feel right letting you walk out that door. i mean, i knew you'd probably come back tomorrow for your keys after you registered at least a tiny bit about what happened. it was just your...emotional state, i guess," he informs. 

"emotional state?" jinyoung raises an eyebrow. 

"yeah," minseok sighs. "you didn't look good from the moment you walked in-- oh, wait, i'm sorry-- i meant--...what i meant to say was, i just had a bad feeling about you when you walked in. you drank until we were closing, but i'm assuming you have a high alcohol tolerance, thus why you were swallowing that shit down like water. i may serve alcohol for a living, but i'm also quite observant, and you obviously were not in your best state." 

jinyoung's previously blank expression falls, his small smile curving into the kind of frown that his daughters' teachers would say to "turn upside down!", if only that were possible. "i'm fine. thanks for having me, but i'd like to leave now--"

"wait!" the man says, a little too quickly. "you, uh...you can't. you kinda, sorta, maybe, i don't know, broke your foot."

💎

"how the fuck did this happen?" he curses, hissing as the man wraps his foot up more. now, now he's really wondering what the hell is going on and what the hell has happened. one night, he's getting shitfaced drunk like all sad people do when things don't go right for them, and the next he's getting his broken foot (especially why he's wondering what the hell happened) by a small and strangely cute guy who happened to be the bartender who saved his life. 

minseok smiles. "well...you may or may not have fallen on me when i went to go give you your keys. but i also didn't want to be crushed, 'cause you're, like, what? a billion feet tall? so i got out of the way before you could fall on me and then we'd both be in serious conditions. you broke your foot when it got caught on the storm drain." 

jinyoung hums. "that wasn't what i was expecting," he groans. 

"what were you expecting, huh? you snapped your bones when you saved a damsel in distress?" minseok sarcastically offers with a smug grin. 

the editor scoffs, wincing when the bandages are once again pulled a little too tight around his swollen foot. "no," he grits. "i was expecting to have slipped or something--not have caught my foot on a storm drain. that's just embarrassing." 

"oh, please," the bartender replies. "nothing's too embarrassing until you stand on a table when you're drunk and start stripping. you're too lucky." he then laughs, wrapping the last of the lengthy bandage around the other's foot. "and finished. you have to stay here, though. no getting out of bed." 

"why didn't you just take me to the hospital?" jinyoung inquires. "wouldn't that have been easier than having me, a hungover stranger with an injured foot, be in your bed?"

minseok just shrugs. "you really think i would've been able to drag you to the hospital from there? my apartment was, like, two blocks away. the hospital would've been too far. i walk to work everyday and i'll never, ever, without a chance, trust a taxi driver," he explains sheepishly. he, strangely, looks a little guilty. 

jinyoung raises a curious brow. "that's all? there's nothing else?" 

the other man sighs. "fine," he grumbles. "i thought about bringing you there despite the heavy, heavy load i would be carrying, but the rain was also a disadvantage. plus, i haven't been to the hospital in years...and i don't want to go there again. there's someone there i don't want to see." 

jinyoung, like all other people would had they been placed in this situation, makes assumptions. distant family member? backstabbing ex-best friend? disappointed parent? or maybe even a broken lover...? but that's just the author in him getting the best of his thoughts, pulling him toward that need to fathom everything else like it's some sort of mystery novel when he cannot even resolve his own problems. "that's fine. if you're a bartender, how'd you know how to do this...?" he questions. 

minseok only chuckles. "well, you see, i used to have a...friend, or a roommate, i guess is what you could call him, and he wanted to be a doctor. i helped him through the difficult times and assisted him when he studied, and along the way, i picked up on some stuff. i'm also a bartender, so it's a given. you'd be surprised how many drunks i've had to patch up after a bar fight." 

jinyoung opens his mouth to say something, not quite sure what will come out, but before he can, a familiar sound breaks the air. his phone, wherever it is, is ringing. 

"oh, right!" minseok hops up from his seat. "that's your phone. it's fully charged, by the way, as i assumed someone would come calling." he hands the other his phone, the editor's eyes widening at the caller i.d. he casts a glance at minseok, who understands and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him. 

jinyoung clears his throat before answering. "umm...hello?" 

for the next half hour, he squabbles with the babysitter again about having to take care of the girls over night. his babysitter is a middle-aged lady whose husband died of a heart attack many years ago, when he was only 34 years old. she's been alone ever since--no kids to raise, no one to love, and jinyoung guesses that's what makes her as bitter as she is. though, as much as he feels bad for the lady, she can strangely resemble a witch sometimes. 

"alright," he says. the lady just quit. she wants the girls gone before sundown. "alright! j-just give me some time, okay? i'll be there when i can." 

in truth, he had no fucking clue what he's going to do. his babysitter just quit, his children lay in different beds than their own at her house, he has a broken foot and cannot navigate his way around with it. the only choice he has left--the bartender who's an avid reader of poetry and all sorts of literature, the one who learned medical practices from his roommate, and the same one who has a huge aversion to the hospital--a stranger who brought him into his home. someone he doesn't even know.

and to speak of the devil, comes, "everything okay?" the man asks, small frame leaning against the door frame. jinyoung would not describe this man as fragile in any way, but looking at the way the sweater he wears swallows up his frame despite the bulky arms that peek through, he could say that this bartender is quite possibly the cutest he's ever seen. 

the editor sighs. "not really..." he doesn't want to seem desperate for help. if only he could just use a car somewhere, anywhere. then he would be out of minseok's hair. 

"what's going on?" 

"nothing...ugh, nothing. it's just my babysitter. she decided to quit and my girls are with her. she wants me to get them by sundown, but you know, with this and all," he replies with a gesture toward his foot. "i can't be there." 

"you have kids?" minseok asks. jinyoung nods. "what about your spouse? i don't think they would condone your getting drunk." normally, those words would've set the editor ablaze. he acknowledges he has a drinking problem, he knows he does. and typically, he would retaliate, but he can't seem to find it in himself to argue with this man. 

"she...she's not here. not anymore, at least," jinyoung answers. "but you're right. she wouldn't allow me to do this to myself." 

"oh...i'm sorry i asked. but what about your kids? what are you going to do?" 

"i honestly don't know," the editor replies. "i don't have a clue what i'm going to do. i've just been trying to figure everything out lately, but it's so _damn_ hard, and i'm scared that i'm going to lose them..." 

it takes a few minutes. there's just a void of silence that lies in the wake of jinyoung's pleading tone. he stares at his hands in shame, terrified of what this man might think of him. he couldn't believe it--he's wondering what a bartender thinks of him. minseok, obviously, is not just _any_ bartender. he's the bartender that brought jinyoung into his home. 

"i know what you could do," minseok's voice pierces the tension suddenly. "stay with me. just until i can say that your foot has healed significantly. i would love to meet your kids." 

"w-- i can't do that to you," jinyoung says. "you have already been too kind to me. i just need a ride, that's all." 

but minseok stands sturdy, a decisive look on his features. "nope. not until you're better. and that's final." 

"i don't even know you." 

"you don't have to."

jinyoung scoffs. "you realize you're practically kidnapping me, right?" 

minseok shrugs. "well, you tell me if you think anyone's going to know. you spend many nights at the bar, no? how's anyone going to notice your absence?" 

and damn it, it sucks the life out of jinyoung knowing that minseok was right.

and so, jinyoung lives with minseok. 

minseok offers to help--to pick up the girls like he's no total stranger--meets the twins and he thinks they're absolutely adorable.

he meets hana first. the eldest twin is a talker. he notes that she's outgoing and hopeful the first time he sees her pull her sister by the hand and walk up to him, shaking his hand politely. he wonders if this is actually the daughter of the man he saved. she smiles like nothing is wrong with the situation despite acknowledging that her father is rendered immobile by an injured body part. she smiles like everything is fine, even though, based upon minseok's close observations, they aren't. 

next, he meets hanuel. the youngest is smaller, frail with long hair that reaches her lower back. she constantly wears this curious expression, one where she wonders about the world around her. she doesn't say anything, doesn't speak or even make a noise, only reaches up and shakes his hand as well. hanuel smiles gently, though it's barely noticeable, and her dimples show. he thinks that although she's quiet and wide-eyed, she's the most adorable person he's ever seen. 

minseok takes the girls home with him on the bus and they trust him, which may or may not be a good thing, to take them home to their father. he asks them a few questions along the way, some about their dad and some not, but hana only answers. 

everything feels, strangely enough, normal. 

it goes on for two months. minseok utilizes all the space within his limited apartment. jinyoung helps him the best he can. 

the editor struggles a bit, getting scolded every once in a while for getting caught drinking while working over the computer. only, sometimes minseok isn't there to remind him not to. he never does it around the girls. minseok's observations led him to taking the initiative of putting the girls in daycare, where they go while minseok works at the bar and jinyoung does his job of editing pieces of literature. 

jinyoung reads more. more of authors like poe. instead of writing, he reads from minseok's library. 

it's only about a month in that jinyoung's boss finds out about his drinking problems when he contacts the man and he's evidently intoxicated. he gets fired. so, they had to improvise. minseok deems his foot healed, but makes an excuse that he wants to observe the taller to see if he's truly okay. jinyoung wholeheartedly agrees to it with a shy and apologetic smile. he likes that minseok does not control him despite permitting him to live inside the constraints of his home. 

jinyoung wears a brace while working at the bar. i know, i know, not the greatest occupation for someone who struggles laboriously with alcoholism. but minseok said that the best way to get over something is to see the effects of it on others. so minseok limits alcohol inside the home unless it's of his own indulgence and little of jinyoung's, he hides it for that reason. jinyoung struggles. his addiction to a substance that can ruin a man just because his need to forget does not immediately diminish. 

lee jinyoung is most lucky that he gets caught by minseok every time he sneaks out to the back to drink a little. the other man scolds him, though he knows part of it is his own doing since he let the ex-editor work at his place which is, quite literally, a bar where people go to forget and lose their minds. 

he resorts to taking an understanding of the psychological aspects of substance abuse. he reads about it on the internet, begins to understand that it's not good. he draws the line when he comprehends that alcohol is a main cause for liver cancer. he cannot even imagine abandoning his girls. he cannot have them losing both parents in the beginning years of their lives, both to disease. 

he watches as men and women of all kinds pass through the bar in those two months. he sees many who're there just for a good time in a rough patch in their life. and sees many who are there just to put it all aside, all that heavy stuff that weighs them down. he watches some forget, those who drink to try to wash away the memories of some traumatic experience. but those memories never do go away. he watches some do it just to feel on cloud 9, to feel...alive again. but that doesn't always last. 

and soon enough, he's drinking less and less. he still does occasionally, but not because of stress or the need to feel alive, but because wine is the beverage of romance. and fuck it, he feels romantic. 

it's one night that the girls are off to bed that jinyoung sits down with minseok to enjoy a nice, quiet evening, and tells the older man about him. 

"i've got something to tell you," jinyoung says. 

minseok looks up from his plate, grabbing his napkin to formally dab at his face to wash away anything that dirties him. "go ahead." 

jinyoung smiles, liking the way the bartender does everything. the more time he spent with minseok, the more he wondered how the man had ever gone into the profession of being what he is. he's practically a therapist who has his own fair share of drinks from time to time, and he's the most caring of them all he's ever had the honor of meeting. "i like you." 

the smaller's fork falls to his plate. "what?" 

"i think you're a great guy, minseok. and i have some things i need to tell you." 

"okay...?" 

the taller sighs. "my wife, whom i know i haven't shared much about, isn't here anymore. and before you say anything, i know i've told you that before, but i've never elaborated. i've never told you about...my life." 

the smaller straightens, nodding his head. he gestures that he's listening with all his might. he's ready to hear what jinyoung has to say.

"a few years ago, i did have a wife. her name was eunji...she was beautiful. she was my whole life. i knew her since we were kids and i was in love with her since then, that's why i like to think of myself as...romantic. falling in love with my wife made me want to learn more about what it felt like. i've always wanted to be an author, specifically to romance novels.

"when we married, i immediately got to work. i was in college at the same time, working my ass off to pay for everything while she worked her job as well. i worked so hard to make things work for us, so much that i missed everything. i lost too much time with her. i knew from the moment i saw the dimness in her eyes that i had done wrong and hadn't prioritized what was really important, which was her." 

"what happened after that?" minseok asks, leaning his chin against his folded hands with his eyes fixated on jinyoung. 

"i never became an author. i found out she was sick and that she had been for a very, very long time. i spent so much time with her after that, since she made it very clear to me that...uh, she was...dying." he pauses, taking in a breath. "then, we found out she was pregnant. there was a high chance that our children were not supposed to survive, especially since they were twins. she was weak throughout the entire pregnancy, but the day the girls were born was the final straw.

"i held her hand when we first heard the cries of our first daughter. i felt her grip on me slowly begin to become looser as the doctors around me rushed to help her, but she never made it. they were fortunately able to birth hanuel before she could pass as well. i remember crying that night." tears roll down his cheeks, but not in waves, more so in the way of thinking back on an old memory and wishing things could've gone differently. he still cries about it, because his wife was his first and only love. well, that was until he met minseok. 

"my wife died that night. i raised my children on my own. i watched them grow up without someone to call a mother, only a sad excuse for a father like me. i tried getting back out there, tried seeing what the world had for me. but i was never able to get over my love for eunji. to this day, she lives on in my heart as the first person i've ever loved. she was the first person to truly approach me and be bold. she was everything to me," jinyoung finishes in a few breaths, looking up to the elder's reaction. 

"poe," is all minseok says. 

"what?" the other asks. 

minseok nods. "poe," he repeats. "you remind me of him." 

jinyoung's eyebrows furrow. "what? how? he's one of the most gruesome writers in the history of the subject itself--" 

"oh, come on," minseok interjects. "you can't call yourself a book junkie nor an english major if you don't know about poe's life." 

"i do," jinyoung says. "i'm just wondering how that applies to me." 

"that poem--'the raven'. i was reading it to you the day we actually met. did you know that 'the raven' was inspired by poe's wife who died of tuberculosis? her name was virginia. she was less than half his age when they married, him being 27 and her being 13. they were cousins, on top of that." 

"where are you going with this?" jinyoung inquires. 

"you remind me of him because he lost all of his biological family before he even turned 4. he grew up with drinking problems." jinyoung sucks in a breath. "gambling issues, too. lost his fiancée. had commitment issues. got disowned by his foster father. only a few of those apply to you. but then again, when poe finally became happy when he married virginia, everything seemed fine. then she got tuberculosis, passed away, and poe was in a void of darkness after that. he wrote his best works when he was a lost soul looking for a place to be welcomed. he had many failed relationships. years later, poe died. but no one knows quite how he died or what was the actual cause of his death, but there're many theories. poe _struggled_ ," minseok explains. 

jinyoung, still confused, watches the man with curiosity in his eyes. he knew the story of poe, pretty much every writer had to know and read and observe. in fact, poe's real fame occurred after his death. it was like minseok knew more about poe than he did, more about how things work than he did. "i'm still lost." 

the elder grins. "everyone can be a little lost sometimes. but what i'm saying is that you're poe, who witnessed the evils of the world from the moment he was born, and i hope this doesn't sound impersonal, but eunji was virginia. you still have time to do what he did, jinyoung. still have the opportunity to write that amazing piece of work. and who knows, you might just be the next poe." 

"hyung," jinyoung says suddenly. minseok watches him expectantly. as if saying _go on_. "i think you might've misunderstood why i told you my story." the elder only raises a brow. "i told you that story because...though eunji might've been my virginia, i'm no poe. because i'm not going to wallow in my own despair for the rest my life. she may have been my virginia, but i don't think i can love _just_ her much longer..." 

minseok exhales, his chest rising and falling. he tilts his head. "you've taken interest in someone?" 

"not just anyone," jinyoung answers. 

"then, who?" 

"you," the taller says. "i've taken interest in you." 

minseok scrutinizes him, his wide eyes watching every small movement jinyoung makes. he bites his lips, but he never tears his eyes away. they always stay trained on jinyoung. they watch the younger, see the sincerity in his eyes that linger though he finished talking seconds ago. they see underlying hopefulness, the courage, the integrity it took to even build up the motivation to say those words to him face. 

and his heart cracks just a little. seeing the optimism makes it just a little bit worse.

because seconds later, the elder breaks out in laughter, doubling over in his seat as he slaps his thigh. it's almost disgusting. it's horrible. despicable. 

"t-that's funny," minseok gasps through laughter, but those the gasps truly come from the sadness building up inside. "that's really funny. way to make a serious conversation take a real big turn, whew." 

jinyoung stares dumbly at him. "w-what?" 

"well, i hate to spoil the fun, but i think it's time for me to go to bed." the smaller begins to stand up before jinyoung does too, grabbing minseok's hand before he can walk away. 

"i'm not joking, hyung," jinyoung states truthfully. "i promise. it's you that i like. _you_ that i _love_."

minseok stops short of a breath, the words sending a shiver down his spine. he isn't sure if he should be elated by them, or saddened by them. jinyoung will never even begin to comprehend the proudness minseok feels as the younger honestly tells him those words. because he won't ever know.

"my friend," minseok whispers abruptly. "my roommate. the guy who taught me everything i know about how to deal with broken bones, he never taught me how to heal a broken heart. i resent him for that, because he broke mine. he stomped on it, he crushed it, all with just one little word. _no_." 

"hyung, i--" 

minseok holds up his hand. "stop. don't even say anything. it's not your job, or mine, to apologize in his case. he's married now. a doctor, too. it's funny to think that we used to date, used to be the talk of the town. up until the day i thought that maybe, i could ask him to marry me. but he said _no._ " 

jinyoung still holds his hand, clutching it tighter. he tries to hold it closer until minseok breaks away, ripping his hand from jinyoung's hold. "i'm sorry, jinyoung. my answer is no."

the younger male stares at him with tears in his eyes. they sting like the alcohol he used to chug by the bottle, like shots used to when all it took was the tilt of his head and he'd be torturing his throat. they sting, like his heart. with every rejection he's ever received. 

now, now he really knows. lee jinyoung was not made for love. 

"i think your foot's healed," the elder says. "your apartment is still waiting for you. i'll help the girls pack tomorrow morning." 

_'his misery was inexplicable. boiling inside of him. there was a hell blooming within his heart, an uncontrollable wildfire of emotions swirling through him with no plans to stop anytime soon._

_somin searched for a way, a passage to return to the way life used to have. but there, trapped within the walls of dread, there was none. for she was gone, the only light in his life. his lifesaver. his everything._

_now she was a pile of dust at the bottom of the ocean._

_the darkness overpowered the light, the universe became still and perpetually lightless. it was like winter had fallen upon all eight of the planets in the solar system, for the winter hit too early. it hit so hard that the moment the sun stopped shining, everyone, all at once, was dead._

_for it was because of the light, she, the one he adored with every ounce of his being, that everyone was dead. she was gone._

_thus, he was the moon. lone and cold as it orbits earth. he stayed dark._

_his universe died around him. all with her absence._

_the plants withered away, the humans dropped dead on the ground, the animals lay in ruins. the clouds stopped slowly moving, the sky turned black, and there was nothing left._

_as one should always know, though they live in the same sky, the sun was not meant for the moon.'_

as soon as he reaches the 'all about the author' page, he slams the book shut. 

lee jinyoung had finally done it. it was true. he really was poe, marked and weathered by time. but he had accomplished all he was striving for. 

he didn't need to know about who lee jinyoung was, he was lee jinyoung. 

he could not believe the line that started at least ten meters away from his table. he couldn't see the end of it. all these people--these _fans_ \--came to see him. and it was only his first book!

before he knows it, there's people approaching the table, boys and girls alike. this is what he has wanted to feel his entire life. everything revolved around this after eunji went to live with the angels. 

he meets one girl who says that this is her favorite book. she tells him briefly of how his writing has inspired her to do so as well. he smiles at her, taken aback by such a compliment. why would anyone ever idolize him? the biggest failure in life is someone who sits behind a table, selling a book that he wrote with the strength of his own mind. 

he's signing another girl's hat as she spouts off about how not only is he a remarkable writer and inspiration to her, but he also happens to be very handsome and she sort of, maybe, kind of, definitely wants to marry him. 

he's still signing when a hand slaps down on the table, a paper landing in its place. "um, i'm sorry, but she's not finished--" 

when he looks up to confront the rude stranger, it is not a boy-crazy girl his eyes meet, but a small man with a serious yet slightly amused look on his face. a face he hasn't seen in a year. 

"hey, poe. let's talk." 

"what do you want?" 

"i wanted to talk to you about us," minseok says. 

jinyoung scoffs, crossing his arms. "i think you lost the privilege to do that the moment you said no." 

minseok sighs, his face softening. "look--" 

"you do realize what this is, right?" jinyoung interrupts. "this is a book signing. for _me_. i did what you said, tried my best, and look where i am? where i'm supposed to be. i've been fine without you." 

the smaller's face hardens again, his jaw clenching. " _let me finish_ ," minseok grits. "do you remember what happened that night, jinyoung? when i let you explain yourself to me. i listened to you, every word you have to say, and i'm sure if i had enough time to memorize it, i would've by now. but i don't. and now, it's time for you to listen." 

"listen to what?" the author asks. "listen to you connect yourself to some literary legend we all wish we could be? i don't have time for this." 

minseok grabs his arm. "please. just listen to what i have to say." 

jinyoung blankly stares at him for a moment before relenting, signaling to the man to speed it up, because he's got things to do apparently. 

the smaller takes a deep breath. "when i was in high school, i used to have someone who was very important to me. hated him at first, despised how loud and energetic he was. but as i got to know him, i learned that he was more than that. i learned that...that he was everything to me at one point," minseok laments, eyes distant. 

the author clicks his tongue disappointedly. "is that all you had to say to me? if so, i'll be on my way out." 

"no," the smaller says quietly. "please, just listen." he settles against the wall. "the day he asked me out was like a dream come true. there was no doubt he was attractive and talented, too. he had an amazing voice. but he wanted to become a doctor because he wanted to use his life to save people. so, when we got into college, he chose medical courses and i chose literature.

"there used to be these two kids who always ate at the diner we worked at together. every damn time they went on a date, they came there. jongdae--that was his name--he...well, he used to tease them all the time. but in truth, i think he used to be jealous of them. i wasn't the perfect lover, definitely not the perfect boyfriend, and we had a really hard time watching them be so...idyllic.

"we split up halfway through college. that was after the night that i decided that i wanted this, that i wanted to marry, that i _loved_ him, but he said no. just like i said to you. he rejected me. 

"i was heartbroken. i dropped out of school and became a bartender because i couldn't handle the thought of being around him when a few months after we split up, he was with someone else. and god, she was so fucking beautiful, i couldn't believe it. she was better than i was, she would always be.

"i resented him even into adulthood. i never went to the hospital for anything because he was a head doctor and if he found out about me, i knew he would want to talk to me. all the help i gave him went to waste...went to making him successful and making me miserable. he was too friendly, so much that i knew he would approach me had i made an appearance at his work." 

tears flood his cheeks. his eyes are red and resemble the sadness jinyoung felt when minseok said 'no'. everything, jinyoung guesses, is a spiraling situation just itching to get out of hand. he can see, right in the elder's eyes as minseok has seen it in his own, the sincerity behind it. the meaning of his words. he is being honest. 

"i hated him again...up until a few months ago, when he dropped by the bar with a few co-workers and saw me. i was frozen, i couldn't even believe it was him. 

"he requested that i talk with him, so i absently agreed, and that night we spoke over a drink. he explained to me that he had fallen in love with his classmate in college amidst the peak of our relationship. he never cheated on me, but he didn't want to break up with me in fear of what might happen to me after we'd been together for so long. he waited for me to make the first move, but he didn't expect a proposal, so all he said was no. he said he is so very sorry. he told me he was married and happy and that he wished i was happy, too. and for once, i finally understood why he did it. 

"he said that sometimes, when it comes to love, it's better to see yourself be selfish than miserable. he wasn't in love with me anymore, which happens naturally, and he just wanted a happy ending. i do too. and that's exactly why i'm here right now, talking to you." 

jinyoung eyes him with no expression, no emotion, and with just that, he says, "and why is that?" 

minseok's shoulders drop and he lets out a breath and smiles. "because i can now say, without feeling miserable, that i am completely and utterly in love with you. i love everything about you. i love your girls, and i'm hoping that one day, if you'll allow it, they can be my girls too." 

jinyoung stands up, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "and why should i trust that?" 

"because...because i came all the way here to tell you, waited in line for three hours to say this to your face. and i am...so sorry for what happened, jinyoung. i was too scared that the exact same thing would happen and you would fall in love with someone else. that you would be gone and the girls would, too. but i ended up pushing you away. and you have no idea how much i resent myself for that." 

the tall author lets out a sigh, gnawing on his lip before he looks straight at minseok, relishing in the beauty of the elder. and he smiles. but he doesn't laugh. no, he does not make a mockery of minseok's confession. "that's wonderful news to hear." 

minseok smiles hopefully. "yeah?" 

"yeah," jinyoung affirms, stepping forward. "i love you, too. and _you_ have no idea how much i'd like you to be the difference in my life. to be my everything. don't be the raven to my poe, be the juliet to my romeo." 

"but they die--" 

"shut up, it's romantic."

and he shuts him up with a kiss. 

it's no longer _nevermore,_ it's _forevermore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JONGDAE IS NOT THE ENEMY, HE WAS VERY REPSPECTFUL. I LOVE MY BOI AND YOU SHOULD TOO.  
> this is the official end, love you so much!!  
> leave me kudos or a comment, truly anything counts!!


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